FinnishLapphund
There's no cow on the ice
The borrowed time since we found out she had cancer in her liver ran out this Friday. Like our years together, these last weeks have just flown by.
When she was loose she loved to run as fast as she could, she usually galloped out in the garden to pee in the mornings when the other 2 trotted/walked, but she was always well-behaved, and patient when on the lead. She was attentive, obedient, smart, easy-going, and undemanding to live with. She liked to slide down along your side to ensure there would be no air between you if she wanted a cuddle, and could hold paw for hours.
Even though having access to a gnaw bone and toy basket, she liked having a spare collection of gnaw bones and toys in under my sofa/bed where she usually slept. If her collection was removed, completely or partly, and put back in the basket during the weekly cleaning, she could later the same and/or next day be seen to take discrete trips to the basket to refill her collection.
Any cat toys which disappeared after briefly being left unattended on a floor, could, with a few rare exceptions, always be found in under my sofa/bed.
I have to admit that when her sister Blomma was diagnosed with Diabetes Insipidus in September 2020, I began to presume Blomma, and their mother Jonna, would die first, and I would one day have sweet little healthy Beata left for at least some more time. I've had enough pets to know better, but when I early this year noticed Blomma had begun to sleep deeper like an old dog, whilst Beata still slept like usual, I stupidly fell deeper into the trap of unconsciously thinking Beata had more time than Blomma left.
Now, it is instead Beata, and Jonna, that is gone, and adorable Blomma that is left.
I have to say it's been such an emotional roller coaster. It was the 10th of May we found out Beata's liver values was bad, one of them was so high it was off the chart. The 16th of May, we did a follow up ultrasound which revealed that her liver was so huge her kidneys had had to move themselves, and the liver looked so bad the vet couldn't tell where the tumour was, only that she was sure there was a tumour somewhere in all the bad looking areas. There was also at least 2 or 3 cysts filled with fluids. I asked if I needed to euthanise that day, but the vet said "No, she's too happy and perky, just come back when you feel it is time."
At first, the special food made her so well, it was difficult to believe she was sick. Then Jonna died the 1st of June, nearly 17 years old, and for the next around 2 weeks Beata and Blomma seemed okay-ish, but e.g. every time it was for a walk, it was as if Beata found it a bit odd that she now was the first dog to get her lead on.
Then Beata seemed to get used to now being first, and one evening after they'd eaten (don't remember if it was some treats, or a meal), Blomma decided to happily roll around in the large grey dogbed, and after that it was as if things where back to completely normal.
Around 3 weeks ago, Beata's liver problem caused her stomach to get upset, and we switched from Hepatic vet food, to Gastrointestinal vet food, which helped with her stomach, and isn't too bad for the liver. Soon after that, she began to refuse or be less eager to eat some things she'd always eaten, like her daily evening carrot, which she's gotten her whole life. When she refused the carrot, I thought that the end would come soon, but next morning she ate breakfast like usual. In fact, the stuff she wanted to eat, like the wet version of the gastro food, she ate very eagerly.
So I replaced the evening carrots with broccoli, and that was fine for over a week. One day she didn't eat a meal, and I set my alarm to go up and call my vet the next morning, but some hours later she pooped on the last walk of the day, ate the evening broccoli when we came home + some extra food for the meal she had missed, and I changed my alarm back to the usual time again.
Then she stopped eating broccoli, and I thought This is it. But in the morning she happily galloped out in the garden for a pee before breakfast as usual, and sniffed and was interested out on walks, so after going the day preparing myself for that it was probably her last day/days, I tried replacing the evening broccoli with peas, which she liked, and I changed my mind again thinking it wasn't quite time yet.
Some times she walked slowly when out on a walk, and made me start to plan to call the vet, only to moments later be her usual perky self. As said, it's been an emotional roller coaster.
She ate all her meals yesterday, and also her daily gnaw bone went down. But this morning she only trotted out in the garden, and even though she licked her mouth when she saw her breakfast bowl, once I put it down, she stopped 10-20cm away, and hesitated for a while. Eventually she started eating, and cleaned out the bowl. For once I didn't jump straight to This is it, without only thought Maybe.
But next meal some hours later it was the same hesitation, even though she had just both peed and pooped. So I made the call to the vet.
Since we didn't need to talk to a vet to discuss any options, they could squeeze us in. When we got there, she sniffed around and peed before going in. She went up on the scale, and she had gone up around 2,5 kg since May, and not much or any of that was fat, so I presume it was her liver + possible new tumours. She spat out the usual treats she happily ate the day before, so instead I fed her lots of small pieces of dried treats made of ox liver, until she got too tired to eat.
I'm so grateful for this borrowed time with Beata, and I'm so grateful Jonna and Beata didn't need to be euthanised together. I'm so grateful that I at least for the moment still have adorable Blomma left (and Cilla the cat), but the house feels so empty tonight. Selfishly I have to admit that Beata loved me the most, whereas Blomma loves my mum, and dad, as much as me (and food, she really loves food).
Besides grateful, I'm feeling heartbroken, and numb at the same time. I've cried so much my eyes hurt, and only the thought of having to already take up the stones to bury Beata close to Jonna hurts. But having had her (and Jonna) in my life is worth all this pain.
Thank you so much to anyone managing to read this essay all the way to the end.
Thank you most of all to my sweet little Beata for 14 years, 1 month, and 9 days of love and joy together.
Beata some days ago
Blomma to the left, and Beata to the right from our last walk Thursday evening when we passed a house with a very strong outdoor lamp
When she was loose she loved to run as fast as she could, she usually galloped out in the garden to pee in the mornings when the other 2 trotted/walked, but she was always well-behaved, and patient when on the lead. She was attentive, obedient, smart, easy-going, and undemanding to live with. She liked to slide down along your side to ensure there would be no air between you if she wanted a cuddle, and could hold paw for hours.
Even though having access to a gnaw bone and toy basket, she liked having a spare collection of gnaw bones and toys in under my sofa/bed where she usually slept. If her collection was removed, completely or partly, and put back in the basket during the weekly cleaning, she could later the same and/or next day be seen to take discrete trips to the basket to refill her collection.
Any cat toys which disappeared after briefly being left unattended on a floor, could, with a few rare exceptions, always be found in under my sofa/bed.
I have to admit that when her sister Blomma was diagnosed with Diabetes Insipidus in September 2020, I began to presume Blomma, and their mother Jonna, would die first, and I would one day have sweet little healthy Beata left for at least some more time. I've had enough pets to know better, but when I early this year noticed Blomma had begun to sleep deeper like an old dog, whilst Beata still slept like usual, I stupidly fell deeper into the trap of unconsciously thinking Beata had more time than Blomma left.
Now, it is instead Beata, and Jonna, that is gone, and adorable Blomma that is left.
I have to say it's been such an emotional roller coaster. It was the 10th of May we found out Beata's liver values was bad, one of them was so high it was off the chart. The 16th of May, we did a follow up ultrasound which revealed that her liver was so huge her kidneys had had to move themselves, and the liver looked so bad the vet couldn't tell where the tumour was, only that she was sure there was a tumour somewhere in all the bad looking areas. There was also at least 2 or 3 cysts filled with fluids. I asked if I needed to euthanise that day, but the vet said "No, she's too happy and perky, just come back when you feel it is time."
At first, the special food made her so well, it was difficult to believe she was sick. Then Jonna died the 1st of June, nearly 17 years old, and for the next around 2 weeks Beata and Blomma seemed okay-ish, but e.g. every time it was for a walk, it was as if Beata found it a bit odd that she now was the first dog to get her lead on.
Then Beata seemed to get used to now being first, and one evening after they'd eaten (don't remember if it was some treats, or a meal), Blomma decided to happily roll around in the large grey dogbed, and after that it was as if things where back to completely normal.
Around 3 weeks ago, Beata's liver problem caused her stomach to get upset, and we switched from Hepatic vet food, to Gastrointestinal vet food, which helped with her stomach, and isn't too bad for the liver. Soon after that, she began to refuse or be less eager to eat some things she'd always eaten, like her daily evening carrot, which she's gotten her whole life. When she refused the carrot, I thought that the end would come soon, but next morning she ate breakfast like usual. In fact, the stuff she wanted to eat, like the wet version of the gastro food, she ate very eagerly.
So I replaced the evening carrots with broccoli, and that was fine for over a week. One day she didn't eat a meal, and I set my alarm to go up and call my vet the next morning, but some hours later she pooped on the last walk of the day, ate the evening broccoli when we came home + some extra food for the meal she had missed, and I changed my alarm back to the usual time again.
Then she stopped eating broccoli, and I thought This is it. But in the morning she happily galloped out in the garden for a pee before breakfast as usual, and sniffed and was interested out on walks, so after going the day preparing myself for that it was probably her last day/days, I tried replacing the evening broccoli with peas, which she liked, and I changed my mind again thinking it wasn't quite time yet.
Some times she walked slowly when out on a walk, and made me start to plan to call the vet, only to moments later be her usual perky self. As said, it's been an emotional roller coaster.
She ate all her meals yesterday, and also her daily gnaw bone went down. But this morning she only trotted out in the garden, and even though she licked her mouth when she saw her breakfast bowl, once I put it down, she stopped 10-20cm away, and hesitated for a while. Eventually she started eating, and cleaned out the bowl. For once I didn't jump straight to This is it, without only thought Maybe.
But next meal some hours later it was the same hesitation, even though she had just both peed and pooped. So I made the call to the vet.
Since we didn't need to talk to a vet to discuss any options, they could squeeze us in. When we got there, she sniffed around and peed before going in. She went up on the scale, and she had gone up around 2,5 kg since May, and not much or any of that was fat, so I presume it was her liver + possible new tumours. She spat out the usual treats she happily ate the day before, so instead I fed her lots of small pieces of dried treats made of ox liver, until she got too tired to eat.
I'm so grateful for this borrowed time with Beata, and I'm so grateful Jonna and Beata didn't need to be euthanised together. I'm so grateful that I at least for the moment still have adorable Blomma left (and Cilla the cat), but the house feels so empty tonight. Selfishly I have to admit that Beata loved me the most, whereas Blomma loves my mum, and dad, as much as me (and food, she really loves food).
Besides grateful, I'm feeling heartbroken, and numb at the same time. I've cried so much my eyes hurt, and only the thought of having to already take up the stones to bury Beata close to Jonna hurts. But having had her (and Jonna) in my life is worth all this pain.
Thank you so much to anyone managing to read this essay all the way to the end.
Thank you most of all to my sweet little Beata for 14 years, 1 month, and 9 days of love and joy together.
Beata some days ago
Blomma to the left, and Beata to the right from our last walk Thursday evening when we passed a house with a very strong outdoor lamp
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