Grief, and jumping confidence

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Sprat

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Some of you will know as I mentioned on a previous thread, but I lost my oldest friend a few weeks ago (fatality at Solihull).

I haven't jumped since. I can't get my head around starting to ride properly again. I have got on and had a potter around on my mare, but nothing strenuous. Every time I think of riding, or jumping, all I think of is 'what if...'

I love riding, and my horse is my passion. Why can't I look forward to it? I'm due to jump tonight and I am dreading it, I can't stop thinking about the potential for it all to go wrong. I think grief is a funny thing, and I know everyone deals with it differently, but I didn't think it would manifest itself in this way. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this here. I guess I don't want to voice my worries to friends... They all seem to be back to relative normality with their horses, and I feel like I'm failing with thinking like this.

Clare was an exceptional rider. She was confident, and competent at the level she was riding at. I'm not half the rider she was. If she can have such a terrible accident, being the rider that she was, I feel like I have no hope. How can someone so talented be taken away doing something that she loved, she was good at.

I know it's early days, and I shouldn't beat myself up, but equally I feel like if I don't pull myself out of this soon I'll never go back to it. How do I continue to do what I love without worrying that the worst can happen? Because it did. It was such a rare thing to happen, but it still happened.
 
Really very sorry for your loss Sprat, it must be very upsetting.

Of course grief can affect your confidence as can many other mental or physical issues.

My advice would be to take your time, it is clear in your post that you are having difficulties in coming to terms with this. You will go back to it when you are ready. give yourself a break :)

Why not do some polework for the time being rather than jumping?
 
I was so sorry to hear about your friend, a terrible tragedy.
I think what you are describing is human nature, it would be quite unusual to go through something like this so recently and it have no impact on you in your riding life.
It's been such a short time. I don't think you should measure yourself against what other people are doing - we are all different and this is a very individual reaction.
Don't feel pressure to pick up where you left off. When the time is right you'll be back to it. If you have other things you can enjoy with your horse maybe put a bit of focus into that instead for a while. That might naturally start to ease the trauma and worries without you really noticing.
 
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I think what you are feeling is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process for you. It is different for every individual but very often affects confidence in normal activities, often not even obviously linked to the circumstances of the bereavement. Don't feel that you have to push yourself to jump atm, if you have a trainer booked, explain how you feel about jumping currently and ask for alternative ideas of things to do with your horse. Polework is one idea, your RI might have others but don't allow yourself to be oushed into doing something you are not comfortable with.
 
I am sorry that you lost your friend.

For your lesson, as has been suggested, why not stick to poles? And see how you go?

From a psychological point of view (not sure if this helps) there was a group jumping lesson near me and an acquaintance fell off not badly or dramatically and broke her neck. It was the sort of break that could be mended, and the lady went back to jumping. It was the other people who had been in the lesson who struggled more. So don’t feel bad about feeling affected. (((hugs)))
 
You need to be less hard on yourself, you are still in shock after losing your friend in this sudden and horrible accident. Take things at your own pace, and if that means having a break from riding or jumping for a time, then so be it. You can take it back up again when you feel less wobbly.

‘What ifs’ are very normal. I’m having a ‘what if’ phase at the moment after a very near miss on the roads with a stupid car driver on my very sensible horse.
 
I am sorry to hear about your friend. I agree with everything said above.
I had a fall some years ago and for quite a while I could not watch anyone jump let alone do it myself because I felt that everyone was certain to fall too. It took some time for me to recover.
Tale your time and do not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and although no way near as terrible circumstances, going through a form of grief myself (very unexpected ending of a v.supportive relationship in a shock way - as I said not as bad at all so i'm not trying to compare to your grief) but for me it has knocked my confidence completely with jumping as it was something he really helped me with, despite having not gone near a horse before he met me. I've taken it right back to small jumps and it is helping, Buzz was picking up on me not being 100% so has been having problems too so i'm working on building both of us up again. It's probably going to be a long process again but i'm taking small steps.
Echoing what the others have said, go back to polework and be kind to yourself, there's no rush to get back to where you were and you can do it :)
 
If you'd posted this on an American forum, every single reply so far would have been to get yourself into therapy. We mock the stereotype sometimes but I think we're in the wrong, there. We don't (well, usually) ;) think twice about going to the doctors for a physical hurt, but we rarely take care of our mental health the same way. You've had a massive shock and of course it's going to take some getting over. I feel like a trained professional could really help guide you in your progress, and there should be no shame in seeking one out.

That said, because it's not the norm in our society in quite the same way, I haven't the foggiest how you would go about doing that. Which is just crap, and I do apologise - I hope somebody else has a better idea how! And I wish that looking after our mental health was high enough on our radars that doing so wasn't a total mystery :rolleyes:

My thoughts are with you, anyway. Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no right or wrong way to process grief, and certainly no time limit x
 
It's funny you suggest that Floxie, it is something I had considered and then very quickly dismissed the idea... I feel like her poor husband is coping without speaking to a pro, so what rights does that give me to need to speak to one?

Something to mull over I guess, and look into if I continue to feel like this.

I don't have a lesson tonight, I have a friend coming over to help me jump. I would normally just set fences up and jump alone, however the general consensus is that none of us are to do that anymore (not that it made a blind bit of difference for Clare’s accident, but I understand the thought process behind it). So I asked another of our close friends to come and help me. I’m sure it will be fine, I will start off with canter poles and see how I feel… I almost feel like I shouldn’t lose face by admitting that I’m having a wobble when everyone else seems ok. But then when I put that into text and read it back, it sounds ridiculous. Of course I should be taking it slowly.

I feel so conflicted about what to do with riding. One minute I’m determined to reach the goals I have set myself, and actually do the things I’ve always wanted to, and then other days I just want to sack it all off and never sit on another horse again.
 
Floxie said:
If you'd posted this on an American forum, every single reply so far would have been to get yourself into therapy. We mock the stereotype sometimes but I think we're in the wrong, there. We don't (well, usually) ;) think twice about going to the doctors for a physical hurt, but we rarely take care of our mental health the same way. You've had a massive shock and of course it's going to take some getting over. I feel like a trained professional could really help guide you in your progress, and there should be no shame in seeking one out.

That said, because it's not the norm in our society in quite the same way, I haven't the foggiest how you would go about doing that. Which is just crap, and I do apologise - I hope somebody else has a better idea how! And I wish that looking after our mental health was high enough on our radars that doing so wasn't a total mystery :rolleyes:

My thoughts are with you, anyway. Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no right or wrong way to process grief, and certainly no time limit x
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Ok so @Floxie is probably right and as the Token American responding so far my immediate first thought was that it's a sign in and of itself that your coping strategies could use a hand if you don't feel comfortable talking to your friends about a very normal thing like this.

This may sound extreme but when a person kills themself we're often hear that the closest friends didn't know. Now in no way am I suggesting you're anywhere near that mindset but the point is that we need to find ways to get the feelings out in the open so they can be attended to. If you really badly cut yourself on your arm you would most likely not wrap it up and hide it and just hope that it would mend itself. Injuries can become infected and then help, with meds and bandages or a doctor's visit, may be required. The brain and the mind are no different. They too require help to get back to center. I'm not implying you're crazy or will need long term therapy but grief counselors are very good to make use of in a case like this.

As for your riding I would suggest making yourself NOT jump or even go over a pole. Work on the flat or hack out. Bore yourself and your horse until such point that you're craving to jump something, anything. You shouldn't ask your horse to do anything resembling a jump until you're all in again. Work on your dressage and just let jumping go for a bit.

Hope this helps and know that many of us here were deeply saddened to hear of your friend's passing as it came right as our own eventing community was grieving the loss of a 13 yr old, from xc schooling who was exceptionally talented also. That was a horrible 7 day period.

All my best,

Em
 
Sprat said:
It's funny you suggest that Floxie, it is something I had considered and then very quickly dismissed the idea... I feel like her poor husband is coping without speaking to a pro, so what rights does that give me to need to speak to one?
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there's no rights or wrongs on something like this - he is probably still in shock anyway and may well find it useful in the future, maybe not. everyone is different, everyone deals with things differently and you have to do what works for you.
 
Sprat said:
It's funny you suggest that Floxie, it is something I had considered and then very quickly dismissed the idea... I feel like her poor husband is coping without speaking to a pro, so what rights does that give me to need to speak to one?
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Oh, lovely - it's not about what right you do or don't have, or comparing what you need with what other people need. We all experience grief differently, and all have to deal with it in our own ways, and at our own pace. Although I fully understand - I know I've felt bad for grieving somebody because I didn't know them as well as other people did! We make things very difficult for ourselves sometimes :) Give yourself time to breathe, and know that 'not knowing' is all part and parcel of the process, too.
 
As everyone else says, be kind to yourself. it's very recent for such a shock. Listen to your gut about when to do what, and if you need professional support, get it. (CRUSE do bereavement support, that might be somewhere to start?) I have a friend who lost their spouse suddenly and unexpectedly. They said that it was about a month before they were un-numb enough to even begin to do what they thought would be normal grieving, and it was after that point that they went for counselling. But their GP gave support before that point as well as the family/friend support channels, so your friend's poor husband is hopefully well surrounded with help, whereas you are more "alone" in your grief, especially in how it is affecting your horse-life.
 
I understand something of how you are feeling, I lost a good friend to a freak hacking accident, she'd been for a ride & was about 100 metres from home, just walking when something startled the horse from behind so it jumped forwards, she fell off the back & was killed.
Give yourself some time & try to just enjoy being around your horse.
A strange thing happend about 3 years after her death when I hadn't thought about her for sometime, I was out hacking when I thought about her & was over come with grief, I was also on my way back from a hack (although further away from home). I found myself walking along the road sobbing for about 5 minutes; I still cry about her somtimes.
It hasn't put me off riding but I do take safety more seriously now.
So give yourself time, cry, swap funny stories with friends & stick to what you feel comfortable doing.
 
BunnyDog said:
Ok so @Floxie

As for your riding I would suggest making yourself NOT jump or even go over a pole. Work on the flat or hack out. Bore yourself and your horse until such point that you're craving to jump something, anything. You shouldn't ask your horse to do anything resembling a jump until you're all in again. Work on your dressage and just let jumping go for a bit.
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I would very much agree with this.

After such a terrible shock, you need time to process it all. Maybe your friends aren't coping well either, but you all are worried to show yourselves as 'that one'. Talking, whether in a peer group or a professional is the way to go.

There is no hurry for you to jump, or even ride.

Many years ago, a friend of mine passed away during a lesson. She was just walking, and was gone before she fell off. I wasn't there, but arrived immediately after. Her husband talked to me for a good few months (even though I'd never met him before), as he knew we were friends, about her, and the things she liked to do with her horse. He found a lot of comfort from that.
 
Of course you are grieving and we all grieve differently there's no standard way is there but I wonder if you may also be recognising the vulnerability and yes, the mortality of being human in addition to losing your best friend? In 2003 my daughter's much loved trainer had a rotational fall eventing in the Cotswolds, many tears were shed over the next few weeks and I saw my confident gung ho 13 yr old daughter struggle with her riding. She never admitted she was afraid, she was happy to do flatwork but very tentative jumping and wasn't keen to go XC. We talked quite a lot about what was, a terrible accident and gradually I think she realised that you can't remove accidents from your life and still live life to the full. I apologise if I have written anything that you find unhelpful, my daughter was in a different situation to you but tbh I am not surprised that your confidence has been badly knocked. FWIW, given time to come to terms with what happened, daughter's confidence came back and we were able to talk about her funny talented trainer with affection rather than sorrow. My thoughts are with you at this sad time.
 
Matthew pushed his boundaries and went for a ride on Eric. That was right for him at the time. :) All we can ever do is live in the moment....none of us know what is around the corner.....be it a sudden illness, a traffic accident or god knows what. Unfortunately, four of my friends have died in horse-related accidents over the years. All of them loved their horses and were more than competent to do what they were doing at the time. Enjoy your horse, live in the moment and don't worry about tomorrow. That may sound strange, but this comes from someone who is towards the end of their life expectancy as opposed to being at the start. Knowing Clare you will know the health scare that she went through a couple of years ago. If we worried too much about the 'what ifs' we would never even get out of bed. Clare pushed herself to do what she did on Eric....I'm sure she wouldn't want you to give up your enjoyment of your horse. Look after yourself, but live NOW! :)

NB Have deliberated much as to whether to post this as a public message or to message you but want to keep this as generic as possible as I don't know you.
 
Grief is suffocating and paralysing - and when you are in its clutches it is no time even to be trying to make decisions or push yourself. Do only what you feel comfortable with and time will do the rest.
 
I really understand this. My jumping mojo took an absolute dive after two riders I knew, Caroline Pratt and Ian Olding, died going cross country. What it must be like if it was someone really close to you is almost unimaginable. Go easy on yourself. Do as little or as much as feels right. Give yourself time.

I'm so sorry you lost your friend. I hope time will make it less painful.


.


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Grief is astounding no matter the relation. You lost your friend in circumstances that you too could die, thats terrifying to anyone. My aunt (not in any way horsey) passed last year after a freak happening and after it i will freely admit i didn't look at my horses. Livery horse was out 24/7 and YO kept an eye on him, i then booked a rider/horse sitter for him for a while. My home horses were turfed out and i didn't look at them once. My neighbour and dad made sure they were living etc but i had no interest in them, esp the mare my aunt was integral in me getting which started off my miniature horse fad. That horse...i adore her so much but i literally would have let someone take her away and shoot her because looking at her would have broken me. It was just grief.

There was no one moment it changed, i just "had" to go back to the yard one day and then i moved yards so again had to be there and it just slipped back in, i remember my first ride feeling a lot more monumental that it realistically was or should have been. At home my little mare...i just ignored her for a while then one day i went to her and just broke down and realized how much i loved her so i said sorry to her.

It all just takes time, but the most important thing about that is to take it at your own pace and in your own time. Pressuring yourself to do something just because you are bound by something monetary or obligatory is never going to work. Do it when YOU want to, when YOU feel ready. There is no quick fix, no remedy. Just time.

Talk to someone, process it all, be with those who knew her also and to talk about her fondly. Eventually you will come to the realization she would want you to continue progressing and doing things you love, but only you can decide when the time is right to get back to that.

And i understand the guilt of feeling you should not be the one feeling the grief as much, but there is no cap on grief. You feel it as you feel it and thats is all there is to it.
 
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losing someone you love is never easy. when it happens suddenly and without explanation it is even worse. please don't beat yourself up. take time, your friend would not want you to feel pressured to perform. you need to ride, jump and importantly compete when you feel ready. if that means you do nothing for six months or more so be it. be assured your friend is with you and always will be
 
gunnergundog said:
Matthew pushed his boundaries and went for a ride on Eric. That was right for him at the time. :) All we can ever do is live in the moment....none of us know what is around the corner.....be it a sudden illness, a traffic accident or god knows what. Unfortunately, four of my friends have died in horse-related accidents over the years. All of them loved their horses and were more than competent to do what they were doing at the time. Enjoy your horse, live in the moment and don't worry about tomorrow. That may sound strange, but this comes from someone who is towards the end of their life expectancy as opposed to being at the start. Knowing Clare you will know the health scare that she went through a couple of years ago. If we worried too much about the 'what ifs' we would never even get out of bed. Clare pushed herself to do what she did on Eric....I'm sure she wouldn't want you to give up your enjoyment of your horse. Look after yourself, but live NOW! :)

NB Have deliberated much as to whether to post this as a public message or to message you but want to keep this as generic as possible as I don't know you.
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beautifully written
 
equi said:
Grief is astounding no matter the relation. You lost your friend in circumstances that you too could die, thats terrifying to anyone. My aunt (not in any way horsey) passed last year after a freak happening and after it i will freely admit i didn't look at my horses. Livery horse was out 24/7 and YO kept an eye on him, i then booked a rider/horse sitter for him for a while. My home horses were turfed out and i didn't look at them once. My neighbour and dad made sure they were living etc but i had no interest in them, esp the mare my aunt was integral in me getting which started off my miniature horse fad. That horse...i adore her so much but i literally would have let someone take her away and shoot her because looking at her would have broken me. It was just grief.

There was no one moment it changed, i just "had" to go back to the yard one day and then i moved yards so again had to be there and it just slipped back in, i remember my first ride feeling a lot more monumental that it realistically was or should have been. At home my little mare...i just ignored her for a while then one day i went to her and just broke down and realized how much i loved her so i said sorry to her.
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I am feeling like this at the moment... I can't seem to connect to my mare and that in itself is upsetting me. It's not her fault, but I can't find the enthusiasm to be around her. And then I feel guilty because I shouldn't feel that way, she is a living thing that relies on me. And she's such a sensitive little soul herself that she knows something isn't right.
 
Sprat said:
I am feeling like this at the moment... I can't seem to connect to my mare and that in itself is upsetting me. It's not her fault, but I can't find the enthusiasm to be around her. And then I feel guilty because I shouldn't feel that way, she is a living thing that relies on me. And she's such a sensitive little soul herself that she knows something isn't right.
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This is your way of dealing. It will change, eventually. Try not to be harsh on yourself - after all, I bet you wouldn't judge if it was someone else on here saying the same thing! Give yourself some "time away" as far as is possible, even if it means finding a sharer/carer for a little while. Try and remember that everything you are feeling is normal and to be expected, and it will get better in time, however long that time is.
 
The sad reality here is that horses and riding are dangerous, we all know it, we all choose to accept it in order to do what we love doing....but...I think when something like this happens to someone we know who was doing something we do, it is bound to hit home hard and make us re evaluate our own feelings. We all push to the back of our minds the inherant dangers that go with horses, Im quite sure that a huge percentage of us would give up if we sat and thought about things for too long. The thing is, it was an accident, on any other day it might have happened differently, you will never know. I dont think you should feel guilty about your feelings, its a perfectly natural reaction to an awful event, we all have our own set of demons at work which give us our different perspectives on things. You need to take your time, ask for help if you need it and if it means you ride differently in future so be it. Things change for us all. Read Lucinda Greens interview following her recent fall, even she admits she is having a wobble (if Ive read it correctly) She says she has watched it back, cant see how she could have done things differently and has no idea why it happened, the end result seems to be that she is giving up the ride on that particular horse and isnt rushing into another. Now I know shes no longer in the first flush, but she is a far better rider that most of us will ever be x
 
Do you think that when some thing really dreadful happens to a person we are strongly connected to that there is an element of guilt in doing anything that we would normally enjoy? As in, how can we actually be happy, relaxed, in control of our emotions in this situation?
To jump your own horse with these mixed emotions swirling round would, to my mind, put yourself in great danger. Time is a great healer and gradually every thing will smooth out and you can begin again. My sympathies to you and all feeling the loss.
 
Hi Sprat- I dont really use these forums anymore, but was browsing and felt the need to speak up. I work at Solihull RC, I was the chief xc steward that day and was therefore at the forefront of the tragedy.

If you want to speak to someone, please do message me. It's been an awful time for everyone involved, but please dont think twice about talking to a professional- it affected some of us deeply, and we have had professional help.

All I can say is it was a total freak accident. Getting on the back of a horse has always, and will always be a huge risk. I haven't jumped a xc jump since, and dont know if I will again, but that's ok! Theres no rush, and no shame in taking a step back and reevaluating things.

Obviously I dont have much advice on how to get over the confidence issue as I'm in the same boat, I just wanted to say that I've been told to talk to people about it to help me cope, so I wanted to reach out and let you know I'm here to talk to.

Sophie xx
 
Thank you all for your kind words. I've mulled this over since posting the thread and it's given me a lot to think about.

I was schooling a couple of days ago, and there was a little x pole up in the school. With a friend there to help, I decided to jump. It was fine, and strangely I felt more confident than I have done in a long time (even before Clare's accident). I think I'm now sort of in the headspace of 'life is too short'. I've booked a jump lesson next week which I'm quietly looking forward to, but will be taking it slowly for a while.

I may have posted before about my hacking woes with my mare, she can be a nightmare to hack following an incident with a motorcross bike, she is now terrified of vehicles coming towards her. With this new found confidence, (and very last minute so I couldn't change my mind) I took her out round the village yesterday with a friend. We actually had a nice time, with minimal issues and I really enjoyed myself.

I think the way I'm currently feeling will change, I'm sure it will come and go in waves, as will the grief. I think once the funeral is out of the way, I will speak to someone, if not a counsellor, perhaps a confidence coach or something similar.
 
Well done - do it for Clare
My friend's family took great comfort from the fact that she died (at the age of only 32) doing something that she loved, it's horrible to lose a loved one so young but there are worse ways to go. A confidence coach sounds like a good idea
 
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