Grief, how do you cope?

L

Llwyncwn

Well-Known Member
Joined
16 November 2006
Messages
3,461
Location
Muckheap
Visit site
Being in the midst of it and not coping too well, I would love to know how other people cope, especially on the day and each day thereafter, where do your thoughts take you, do you block it or let it overwhelm you. Is there guilt even though there is nothing to feel guilty about. Do you question your faith and beliefs.

Box_of_Frogs (forum member) cried with me yesterday and I felt like she was a handrail to hold onto while the ground was shaking beneath me.

Please tell me when your faith has been tested and how you dealt with it on a personal basis.

Hx
 
i still grieve in one case 16 months on and 6 months on respectively. on the day and for weeks after i was beside myself. i would sit at work in a total daze, people covered for me , my boss was fantastic. I would love to say it gets better, i havent found that, i find that it becomes more bearable, but just today i have been in floods of tears.
sorry if this is not what you were expecting to hear, i havent yet got over my losses and im not sure when/if i will.

all i can say is big hugs have a drink and raise a glass to the lost but certainly not forgotten xxxxxxxxx
 
I think the main thing is that you have to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to grieve for as long as it takes. The guilt thing is completely natural, we seem to manage to make ourselves feel guilty for things that we have done/not done in the past and whether things would have been different if we had done things differently. The times my faith has been tested have both been when my parents died, so not horsey or animal orientated, but not any different I don't think, I blocked it totally in both cases and still find it hard to think about my mum especially, 15 years later. If I am honest I don't think I ever grieved for her and find it easier not to think too much because then I realise just how much I miss her.

You need to take one day at a time and just get through each one the best you can, gradually your grief will become easier to cope with but for now just take care of yourself. xx
 
Last edited:
I have found grief and guilt to be such closely linked feelings, i have lost both my parents and three horses and in all cases guilt has haunted me as in could i have done more did i make the right descisions at the time.
Grief is a totally overwelming emotion that i find very difficult to deal with, time does help but then some little thing can remind you and it feels like yesterday again...
 
All the emotions you have described are perfectly natural and normal when you experience grief, not that that helps I know. I'm sorry to hear that you are facing this.

I faced a time quite a few years ago where the bottom fell out of my world completely, I felt like a zombie in a dream world while everyone continued with their 'normal' life. I also felt quite resentful that people couldn't appreciate what I was going through and then felt guilty for feeling like that. I don't think I dealt with it particularly well as such, but I got through it, and that is all you need to do, just take each day at a time, even each hour and accept that you are going to feel wretched at some points. At the same time though I found it helpful to have 'me' time where I could just relax and switch off and try to appreciate my surroundings and appreciate what I had. I used to find night times the hardest. There is no 'right' way to feel or way to act as we are all individual and get through it the best that we can.

But, there are a few sayings that are true, that the darkest hour is just before the dawn, and that out of everything negative comes something positive. It took a while for me to realise the positives, but they were there, the whole experience made me stronger as an individual, more compassionate towards others going through similar things and more understanding about loss and the fear of loss. Time is a great healer, and one day you look back with love and remember all the happy and good times instead of focusing on the sense of loss.

As for my personal beliefs, if anything they were strengthened and I felt I was given great support spiritually. I firmly believe that our consciousness/energy continues on after the death of our physical bodies.

I hope that you get through the coming days with love and support, it will get easier, sending my best wishes to you. x
 
I lost my horse, the following month my ovaries went (planned), the following month we lost Mum, a month later I lost my dog.

I coped by crying, pretty solidly for three months. By the time Mozart died, I couldn't cry any more. Was numb and stayed numb for nearly two years.

Hugs hunny. There are no right ways.
 
My faith has been tested big time since our accident. I felt last year I began with grieving for Benson, and ended with grieving for my gran, she died the week before xmas, and was cremated today.
I have cried, ranted, screamed, everything. It made me feel better for a while.
The one really strong thing that has got me through this is seeing a councellor and talking. Not bottling it up. Letting me feelings come out when they are ready to.
I have been throught the guilt of loosing Benson, the sorrow, the anger.
I have felt let down by so much and by so many.

But, I feel now I am finally coming through the other side, a light at the end of a long black tunnel as the saying goes.
I can now smile at the memories instead of crying with them.
I do believe in the end my faith kept me strong. The will of God will not take you where the grace of God will not protect you.
Give yourdelf time to grieve, dont rush it. Be kind to yourself, and stay safe.
 
Last edited:
It affects us all differently and I am still grieving for my losses in many many ways, I do sit quietly sometimes and just cry my eyes out then get up and get on with things again....I can be at work, home shops anywhere, I miss my lad sooooo very much and would give my right arm to have him back but I know that won't happen ever, but the pain I feel is soo raw still.

I didn't really have anyone around me at the time that truely understood what I was going through I felt alone I shut myself away from those that cared about me sometimes as I was going through it myself....or so it seemed.

I broke down majorly after about 5days and couldn't stop myself til I couldn't cry anymore.

Please do not beat your self up about it, it does take some time to grieve and you should allow yourself this time too...it's natural to feel the way you are.

Big big hugs.....all I can say is it does ease eventually.
 
I'm a month down the line (for my dog).

I cope, I think, because I have to. I have children - they're teenagers, but I still feel I should be the 'strong Mom' in front of them (although I have snuck out and cried over the washing up on more than one occasion).

The first week was the hardest. It was a physical hurt and I frequently had to stop what I was doing to draw breath around the ache in my heart. But on the other hand, I had to keep going. I'm self-employed so I couldn't just go 'sod it' for a couple of weeks. I had to continue to do the best I could for my customers. As Touchstone said, I do feel like I'm functioning in a different zone to everyone else a lot of the time.

I've been depressed before and I didn't want to have to crawl back out of that dark tunnel again, so I try very hard not to give in to it totally. I'll cry, and hurt, then I'll pick myself up and carry on. Few people know the true pain I feel. I find myself having to supress thoughts of her, which I hate doing, to be able to function. I want to be able to think about her, and talk about her, with happiness and joy, not pain and sorrow.

Christmas was very hard. Having time off work, but the weather was too bad to spend lots of time with the horses, not enough to do, too much time to think.

I have guilt. Even though there was nothing else I could have done, no different choices to make. I know that, and yet a tiny voice says 'perhaps you could have ...' I squash that voice. If I thought for one moment there was something else I could have done that meant she was still with me, it would crush me.

I know she was with me the day after she died. When I was in the bath, her usual place was to lay outside the bathroom door, then when I got out, I'd sit on the stairs and we'd have a private cuddle. On that day, I could hear a dog outside the door - hear the snuffling and scratching and those little noises they make. I thought my other dog, Shadow, had taken up her post.

When I got out the bath there was no dog there, just a warm patch on the carpet, but when I spoke to my son he said Shadow had been asleep on the sofa the whole time.
 
Oh Dear, hun...... I went through this ( still going through it) a month ago.

All I can say is DO NOT COPE, you do what you feel has to be done to let you accept.

I could not cry for nearly 2 weeks.

I got the call, and everyone thought I was ok, and not as bad as they thought I would be, but my loss was soo quick... and I was in such shock.

The morning it happened, I had melt down for about 5 mins, but for some reason could not cry.

It was soo hard, I got to him, and was told he was in a coma, as soon as he heard my voice, he started to try to get up, all I can now think is, if I had tried a bit longer with him, would he have gotten up, did I give up too soon?

I know in my head that he would not have, he was trying for me, for me to have kept him, he would have only suffered, but that does not make my heart think otherwise :(.

2 weeks later, the greif came out in floods, and I could not stop it... but for that, it healed a little and I now truley know that it was for the best and although I miss him beyond anything, it was the right time, and at least that morning is over shadowed with the happy memories Ihave of him.

Sorry for the epic, but wanted you to know that there are people here that loss is also a raw thing and that we understand and are here for you xxxxx
 
I never stop grieving for my lost animals - they meant so much to me. I have written books about some of them, and I have found that helped the process immensely.
 
I really feel for you.

There is no way to cope with grief. You feel guilty, sad, angry, cry all the time for no reason (but you do have a reason).

I was so devestated when my mare (long, long story) but ended up stuck in a gate and I had her put down there and then.
I ended up not even wanting to go to the field or yard anymore because her blood was still on the gate.
I had 3 other horses, so I had no choice to continue.

I stopped riding them, sold my beloved Jesse, put the other 2 into livery (one was her young son a 4 year old) and I sold my lorry and car, quit my job and left the county.

Weird - hell yes.

But for me, I had no choice, the vets fee's, the hell we went through that year was just killing me.

It took me 2 years before I came back to live in the Uk. I am now back in the saddle and loving it :)

I am shedding a few tears just writing this, but time is a great healer :)

Dont rush yourself. Dont pretend nothing is wrong. Talk to someone. Remember the good times.

It will get better.

Thinking of you
 
I dont know!!

I lost my boy on the 31st september of this year due to a fractured shoulder he was only 12 !! He did it in his stable and i have cried nearly everyday!! I am not coping very well!! But i think to myself i did the very best for him and tried my very best to keep him!! (Selfish in a way) But i wanted to give him the very best chance of getting better and coming home!! He had his shoulder flushed everyday (costing £250 a go) to try and ease the infection in it this went on for 9 weeks!! I should have let him go but there was hope he was ment to be comin home on the bank holiday monday!! But the staff failed him the whole weekend and he went down hill and infection took over!! The one thing i will never get my head around or know is how he did it!! His stable is empty and will be for a while!!

I dont think i will ever get over the loss of my beautiful boy who was snatched away from me!! And i hope it gets easier for you! They say time is a good healer i will let you know!1
I am sending Massive hugs your way (((Hug)))

I was not with him when he was PTS i was around the other side of the building and i said something and he put his ears forward and he was looking for me ( My sisters was watching) When i went to see him after his ears where forward and he looked like he was galloping away!! I just WISH i had of been there for him and his final moments i really do i feel like i let him down!!
 
Last edited:
Oh H, you are having a crappy time, I know you have other things on your plate, and now losing Tara puts a lid on it all. I was so sad to hear of her illness and passing.

As the others say, just take things one day at a time, don't feel you have to cope, or put a brave face on, you don't, Tara was a part of your life and her going will leave a gaping, hurting hole in your middle.

I have a reputation for being a coldhearted, uncaring bitch, I'm not, I just don't do emotion very well - although I was pretty well unhinged at the kindness of people when I had to have Ali pts. (Remember my little white arab?)

Solitude works for me. What I did in Wales was go to the top of my mountain and rant and rave at the powers that be, bawl my eyes out for an hour or so and then come back down and not mention anything again. Here, I have a huge spreading hemlock tree that I go and sit under in the forest.

Faith? Hmmm, I am agnostic, but I choose to believe in life after death, I don't care what others think, but for me, a being cannot simply cease to exist on all planes, whether there is somewhere else or not is irrelevant, but it helps me hugely to believe that there is another place

Thinking of you.
 
Last edited:
after watching my mums horse that we'd had for years have a violent reaction to a sedation injection (fitting and screaming - something i never want to hear or see again) i helped load her body onto the crematoriums truck said good bye stayed strong for mum till she left the yard then sat in her stable and bawled my eyes out for ages. i stayed in that state for days but tried to support mum.
i kept going in the stable and just looking at the horse shaped dent in the shavings bed it took me a week to move it i felt like it was removing her.
i now stay strong whenever shes mentioned but it still is a horrible memory that will stay with me forever.
keep the good memories in your heart they will last forever !!!
and yes i feel foolish as im in floods writing this.
 
hch4971 said:
I think the main thing is that you have to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to grieve for as long as it takes. The guilt thing is completely natural, we seem to manage to make ourselves feel guilty for things that we have done/not done in the past and whether things would have been different if we had done things differently. The times my faith has been tested have both been when my parents died, so not horsey or animal orientated, but not any different I don't think, I blocked it totally in both cases and still find it hard to think about my mum especially, 15 years later. If I am honest I don't think I ever grieved for her and find it easier not to think too much because then I realise just how much I miss her.

You need to take one day at a time and just get through each one the best you can, gradually your grief will become easier to cope with but for now just take care of yourself. xx
Click to expand...

Echo this completely although I was just two when my Mother died from TB so I didn't know her and it was way back, 60 years ago, people didn't pander to death as much as they do now, you never talked about it I suppose because back then, they were still used to losing people from the war, it was the norm, you just got on with things and that's how I have to deal with it too, it's built into me. I've always wanted to know more about her but Dad wouldn't talk about it; he's been dead 21 years now and I still miss him more than anything but the funny thing is I now miss not knowing my Mum more and I well up just thinking about her.
Death of anyone or anything takes people so many different ways, you just have to cope with it the best you can because you can't put the clock back sadly. In my case, it's move on and get on with things, no point worrying or brooding about something you can't change; it doesn't mean I'm hard hearted at all, just realistic after living so long.

Hugs, it's never easy whenever it happens for anyone.
 
Oh H. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Tara came to you that day and whispered to you that she was very ill and you heard her and you did everything you could have done. You WILL think you've seen her in the fields, you WILL hear her at the door, you WILL feel her presence in the house. The very essence of that beautiful dog will stay around you for as long as you need her. When you are able to, let her go and cherish your happy memories. In the meantime, please please use your broad-shouldered friends to lean on - it's what you would do for them. Talking and talking about it is the way I cope. The more I talk about scary things, the less frightening they become. But that may not work for you. Take it slowly, be kind to yourself. And remember to keep an open mind and an open heart because another door WILL open in the future. Sending you hugs and love xxx
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top