Guilty & numb after PTS

Hippophilia

Hippophilia

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My 26 year old mare was PTS last Friday after two bad lami attacks within the past month. Even with painkillers she was obviously sore and was very reluctant to walk so I am sure I did the right thing but I am still wracked with guilt. When not feeling guilty I just feel numb. I didn't stay with her at the end as I couldn't find child care for my 2 year old daughter (my OH is away for work for a couple of weeks and we have no family nearby). I was there until the vet arrived. I'm wondering if I'm having trouble processing things as I didn't stay. Has anyone else had this reaction?
 
Hun I stayed with Baby to end but I still had dreadful feeling of guilt fir sometime. Guilt for doing it. Guilt for saying goodbye. Just guilt. It is part of grieving and in time it will lessen i promise you that. Hold in your heart you were a brave loving owner and no horse could ask for more. Let the tears flow and you will find that you will start to smile through when you think of her Big big hugs xx
 
I was racked with guilt after putting my mare to sleep and I stayed with her throughout. So I don't think it makes much difference whether you stay or not. You will feel guilty. It is part of grieving.
 
My son's loan pony was PTS after being diagnosed with cushings last year. She had lost all interest, wouldn't eat and had melanomas too. I couldn't stay, a friend of mine kindly held her for me.

It's all part of the grieving process, you'll go through many emotions but stay strong. It is difficult at first and the fact that your OH is away I guess you're missing his support.

Sending hugs.
 
It's not always advisable to stay. Some people (me in this instance) go so badly to pieces they end up upsetting their horse and have to go.

You are missing your mare, you have latched onto " I let her down as I wasn't there" ..don't. Your mare didn't know she was going to be PTS, your 2 YO would have certainly known if you had left them alone. You are going to grieve but don't make an unecessary rod for your back.
 
I haven't had one of my own PTS so can't comment on whether you stayed or not has a part to do with it.
However what I can say is, as the others have said, that guilt is part of the grieving process. But, remember this, you did the best thing for your mare. You will never forget her, but in time you will be able to look back with fond memories of your time together.

Big hugs to you ((()))
 
I had my 27 year old TB PTS when I was pregnant. I had her for about 6 years, never ridden her but acquired her from an owner who lost interest when she could no longer jump... Beautiful, lovely, gentle girl. She was lying in the field looking sorry for herself. The vet said she probably wouldn't get up... She got up and ran to me as I couldn't go to her as I was on crutches... Put her in the stable, she was in beautiful condition but her eyes were sad? She didn't pass urine or poo, so I asked the vet to PTS while she was OK. Yes, she could have gone on for months as her body weight was excellent, but would she have been in pain...YES...My husband and I were with her and to be honest, she looked grateful.Wish she had met the baby but never feel guilty. She had a lot of happy, retired years with lots of love and food xx
 
its grief,horrible and sad. numbness and feelings of guilt are normal emotions. big hugs to you.have been there too and wouldnt wish it on anyone,its like losing family.
 
i didn't stay with my boy, i waited until the vet arrived and then my husband walked him to wear he was PTS.
i feel relief that i know he is no longer in pain and that makes me feel guilty. i'm also slightly guilty because i feel i should have made the decision sooner rather than leave it until i had no choice. but then i tell myself no he was doing good, no lameness and was happy and when the day came it was sadly just one of those things. hope that makes sense? it was only just under 8 weeks ago that i said my goodbyes.
 
Aw bless you. So sorry to hear this. It does take a long time to get over, but she had a long life and you did the best for her at the end. Almost a year ago I had a 5 yr old PTS and still feel so guilty about it because he had not had a chance to begin his life yet, but I know deep down it was the right thing to do. Hugs to you.
 
Thanks for your kind words. The week before was very long and I was quite emotional, although everything seemed quite clear-cut and I felt I was making the best choice for her. Everything just seems a bit messier now, and u can't help but feel I let her down. I've not been up to the yard since she went but I have to go and pack up all her stuff on Saturday. Not looking forward to it but maybe things will click in for me and I can start to deal with it all.
 
I think this is just part of the grieving process. It's quite normal to feel irrational guilt. Don't be hard on yourself - you did the right thing. Hope u feel a bit better soon
 
Wagtail said:
I was racked with guilt after putting my mare to sleep and I stayed with her throughout. So I don't think it makes much difference whether you stay or not. You will feel guilty. It is part of grieving.
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^^This, even though we are doing it for all the right reasons, it is still choosing to end a life. It is easier in some respects if a horse just dies as there is no guilt of having to make a decision attached. You've got to focus on the fact that it saved your horse from suffering which is a wonderful gift to be able to give them.
 
I had Carrie PTS at 20 because the only option to save her was surgery and I knew it would kill her in the long run.

I have been torn up ever since (it's 11 years next month :( ). I regret that I didn't beg them to operate. That I didn't make the vets save my horse, instead, I asked them to kill her. That I let go of her (not really my choice, my mother held me back) and that I wasn't holding her as she died. But you know what? I have this memory of my horse looking at me, dozy from sedation and weary from pain and she looked at me as if to say "can I go now?" - and I will never regret saying "yes".

You knew her time had come, she'd have let you know somehow she was ready, and whatever your regrets now, do not ever regret releasing her from pain. It is what she wanted more than you there/not there.

*hugs*
 
Hippophilia I’ve been thinking of you as you may remember I had my horse PTS just a couple of weeks before yours. My feelings are up, down and all over the place. Guilt is just one of the many feelings we have to deal with, wondering if we could have/should have done anything differently – in your head you and I both know we did the right thing, in our hearts we simply just miss them and that is something that will take much longer to deal with. I never realised quite how much time I used to spend with my boy just generally faffing about and being with him and I’m totally lost without him. It’s not easy, but then it‘s just a reflection of what they meant to us. XXX
 
You have nothing to feel guilty about, you made exactly the right decision for your mare at exactly the right time but as others have said, the feelings are part of the grieving process.

"This too shall pass"
 
Bless your heart. I stayed with my two boys when they when put to sleep, but I still felt guilty, even though I knew it was the only option for them. It is all part of the grieving process. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She was in pain, and like the caring owner you are, you put her first, and set her free. I know you go over and over in your head all the "what ifs" but believe me, you did the right thing for her.Eventually it will pass. it does get easier, and that by no means, means you will forget her. She will always be there in your heart, just like my two boys are for me. Big, big hugs to you. xx
 
cinnamontoast said:
Don't feel guilty, you said she was sore and you did the bravest and kindest thing for her. Big hugs, this is a horribly hard time for you.
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Totally this!
What you have done for your lovely mare was the hardest but kindest thing and the last way to stop her suffering.
I had one pts two weeks ago and I chose for the first time ever not to be present because I let him go before he got too bad. I thought long and hard about it and came to the conclusion my previous "have to be the one holding" attitude is actually wrong. The important thing is the person who cared and loved during life.
Big hugs xx
 
In my experience the guilt is absolutely normal, even when you have the horse pts for the best possible reasons. My vet essentially told me to have my first horse put down, I know I did the right thing, but I was staggered at how guilty I felt about it. You made the right call, what you are feeling is totally normal and it will get better.
 
The guilt will get better. I felt guilty for around 3 months after putting my girl to sleep. Much of that was because she was so bright and full of life on the day, and certainly not 'suffering'. But I had only just got her sound after two years of fighting laminitis. Though I doubt it would have lasted very long as it never did. But she then redid a shoulder tendon injury by doing the splits in the field. I saw it happen. The vet told me it would take months of box rest to come right again. It just wouldn't have been fair on her as she would have to be on box rest on very meagre rations. And even then, if the shoulder came right and the laminitis stayed away, the shoulder would have been too unstable to ever allow her proper turnout again. But she didn't know this. All she knew was that she was happy on the day, and 'Mum' had finally come to her senses and given her loads of haylage and a bucket of racing mix. She was in horsey heaven. Even when sedated, she did not stop munching her feed. Not until the lethal injection hit her. I stayed with her, but the memory of her actual death still haunts me. It was not terrible, but it was not quite as peaceful as I had hoped it would be. And to be honest, I don't think she cared who was holding her, as that feed was the only thing on her mind. So whilst I would do the same again and always be there, I don't think it is for everyone, and I don't think anything less of people who cannot face being there. It does not mean they love their animals any less. And after all, they are the ones that are left behind, with the memory of the animal's last moments. I would like to erase that from my mind and only remember the good times.

So you should not feel guilty. But of course you will, but those feelings will fade away slowly, I promise you.
 
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