Gutted - How do you recover from a heartwrenching loss of a partnership

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Gutted - How do you recover from a heartwrenching loss of a partnership

I've been loaning a horse since about 6 weeks ago. He was advertised as a loan, but the owner made it clear she wanted to sell him. My thoughts were: get to know the horse, form a bond, have some lessons on him to develop a partnership, then if he feels like the right horse for me I would buy him.

Unfortunately, the horse has a neurological condition called Shivers. It is quite a severe case, but does not affect him when he is working. However, when getting him ready, he stamps his feet, and loses his balance, and he will regularly clutch a hind leg up to his stomach while the rest of his body is shaking, picking up his feet to pick them out is tricky. He also has a large sarcoid on his sheath. He is almost 12 years old, an advanced horse. He is lovely in every other way.

I've fallen in love with the horse, have really formed a bond with him, and decided I wanted to buy him. I rang my vet last week to discuss some news about my young horse (out in a field recovering from PSD - proximal suspensory desmitis), and I decided to talk to him about this new horse that I want to buy. My vet basically said two things:
  • 1) On a personal level he would not recommend it, considering I already have one horse out in the field with a problem. He was adamant that I not buy another horse with a problem, as he knows what I have been through.
  • 2) From the veterinary perspective, he said that shivers deteriorates with age, and that it can be ok for a couple of years. But once it starts to decline, it goes very quickly. He said it was a big risk and told me not to do it.

I went to speak to the owner in person the next day, and in as gentle (and apologetically) a way as possible, told her what my vet had said. She stood glaring at me with hostility, then said it was fine, and walked away.

I arrived on Saturday to ride, and the owner came up to me and very coldly told she does not want me riding him anymore, and that she is cancelling the loan.
I was extremely upset, and tried my hardest not to burst into tears, although I did within a few minutes afterwards. I have really bonded with the horse, and put a lot of effort into making it work with the horse, and to get him to trust me etc. I really fell in love with him. I feel so gutted about the situation, I've lost the ride / loan on a lovely horse, I've lost the bond with the horse, the owner now hates my guts. I thought we were friends, we had got on so well, I thought I had made a new best mate.

Although it is hard, my vet made a justifiable point. My friends all agree with what he said, and they say the owner was just angry that it is yet another person who will not buy her horse. At the end of the day, I took him on loan, he was advertised as a loan. And he has health problems that will make it extremely difficult to find a buyer. She has struggled to find anyone to buy him - for all the same reasons.

I would still happily take him, and in doing so, he would get a home for life, I would then become responsible for decisions about his health, I would be taking on the costs for his retirement until the day he dies, and I would also be taking on the vets costs, because it would all be excluded from insurance.
Therefore I am unwilling to pay the £12K that is being asked for the horse. I was offered a deal to have him for £8K. But considering everything, it is still too high. There is another thread on here about shivers, and the vast majority of respondents said that a horse with shivers isn't worth more than £1,500. The owner is however adamant about the money she gets for him, this is non-negotiable, as she needs the money.

I feel so down now, so much that I thought maybe I should just quit riding. I cannot bear to get attached to another animal and have it taken away from me. What would you do? How do you recover from such a heartwrenching loss?

Thanks for listening / reading...
 
Harsh words from me I'm afraid, get over it and move on. You vet gave you super sound advice. He is not your horse, ergo not your problem. You would struggle to get insurance on him, and could be looking at huge costly bills not too far down the line. There are plenty of other lovely horses out there, to loan and buy.
Don't give up on your riding over one woman who was willing to pass a potentially serious problem onto you!
 
Oh my god. There is no way on earth that anyone in their right mind would pay ANYTHING for a horse with shivers, let alone in the thousands!! I have had the misfortune to be involved in three horses with shivers. He may well be up to work now, but that could all change tomorrow. At any time, he may become dangerous to be around (as there will be a risk of him falling, staggering, squashing you against the floor or wall)

I'm sorry you have bonded with him and it is such a shame in circumstances like this, as he sounds like a lovely horse. The owner needs to be realistic, the horses I have known have all ended up being PTS as two of them were high valued competition horses, and the owners running businesses and claimed loss of use. The third belonged to a dealer who wasn't able to pass him on.

It is very sad but I would definitely advise against parting with any money for him, and move on.
 
The reason the owner got nasty, is that she had hoped to off-load her horse with his medical problems onto you. I suspect she is gutted, but you have made the CORRECT decision. That is way too much money to pay for a horse with so much wrong with it.
 
First of all, big hugs to you!

Your vet is absolutely right. You absolutely don't need a horse with shivers. Especially at that price. Did you know he had shivers when you took him with a view to buy? If yes, and then you found out more about it, I could understand why the owner is upset perhaps. Having said that, she is deluded if she thinks anyone would buy it for that price with shivers.

I know its upsetting, but as Joanne said, you just have to move on and find yourself another horse. Its a great time to buy now, so you should find something wonderful - especially with £8k! Buying horses is a minefield, and can be quite disheatening, but its worth it once you've found the right horse, and this one wasn't right. Shivers is a bit like MS in a human... Good luck. You will find something else you love...xx
 
The woman should be ashamed trying to sell a horse with that sort of condition for that price. If you're offering a permanent loan home she should be incredibly grateful, not rude. Sad to say that if I was you I would walk away from this horse.
 
I'm so sorry you're feeling down.

On the practical side....you know it makes sense not to spend a large amount of money on a horse with a degenerative issue. If the owner were to gift him to you, or ask for a nominal fee, that would be a different issue.

All I can say is....there will be a lovely horse out there for you, without health issues, just waiting for you to find him.

I lost my horse this summer to colic- we had been together for years, and I didn't think I would feel the same about another horse. I have bought another one, I did like him to start with but now we are truly bonding and I am starting to love him. He will never replace my previous horse....they are similar but also very different in many ways.

You will get over this horse you know- don't beat yourself up about it.
 
Really sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I went through a similar thing a few months back. I bought my horse in february, who was sold as a happy hacker, jumping pony, generally good sort etc. Tried him out he was fine. Asked all the questions i could ask etc. I got him home and after a week, he turned out to be a nightmare, he could napp for england. He would buck, rear, leap, plunge, rein snatch, etc. I persevered with him for 5 months or so.....untill after a fun ride he lost the plot completely, had me off badly 3 times and then for a month after that just wouldnt settle. He had turned dangerous to ride. But, he was lovely in the stable and perfect to lead, catch and he was a loveable sod basically.
I traced all back through his history talking to all of his owners previous. It transpired this was always the case and the person who sold him to me had lied trhough their teeth. So in july i decided that he had to go to someone else. He had had one owner who was the only person that he had ever got on with, and she wanted him back. So i have put him out on long term loan to her. It broke my heart to make that decision and see him go. I loved him to bits and was so gutted that i couldnt work the problems through.
But, i know its a cliche....but time is a healer. I cried for weeks, and even now i feel really down about the situation. But it was totally the right thing to do.
Because of that horse, i ended up at a livery yard run by my instructor and people who i have known for years. Someone there had a lovely mare and she offered her to me on loan and that is working out fine and my horse is happy in his new home.

If this woman takes this horse away from you, she may well try to get £8k for it, i notice that you said you would pay £8k for him.....but realistically, like you have been advised, a horse with shivers really isnt going to fetch anything like that sort of money.
So, when she realises this, she may well offer the horse back to you on loan or for alot less money.
I know you are not trying to get him cheap, but her being silly in this way may make her realise that when she trys to sell him etc, she will never get the money she is asking, so will have to rethink her options and if she reduced the price considerably, it would mean you had money in reserve should he need treatment in the future.

Its a horrible thing to have something we love taken away from us, but sometimes that time apart gives us chance to re-evaluate a situation, so that we can think clearly what is best to do and what is right for all concerned.

I really hope that you end up having the horse you love back and that its owner sees sense.

I didnt think i could go on and get another horse for a while, but the second i rode my new horse i knew she was perfect and i was able to forget all of the bad stuff and concentrate on the good stuff

Failing that.....wine and chocolate helps ;-)
 
I am sorry I have to agree, you just need to forget about it and move one. Over the years I have had a few loan horses that I had fallen in love with. We had such a great partnership and they have all been taken away from me. One mare came to me with so many problems, we went through a hell of a lot together and she was sold on....fortunately she doesn't work half as well with the new people as she did with me :)

This woman was willing to sell her horse with a potentially serious problem to you and for how much!!! The vet is right, shivers deteriorates with age and I have known of a few horses with shivers that were pts eventually due to becoming too dangerous to themselves and others around them.. If he is already showing a severe case of shivers then my guess is you would struggle for insurance for him. I suspect the owner was angry as she was hoping to load the horse onto you and for a nice sum of money...she would be lucky to ever fetch even a couple of grand for a horse with shivers.

You have only had him about 6 weeks, and although you may have fallen in love there are plenty of other lovely horses out there, as much as I would like to....I don't believe that there is only one horse for you.

I would suggest start looking for another horse/ride other people's horses to forget about him. Good luck in your new search and who knows...maybe once this woman realises she can't sell him she may offer you to loan him again :)
 
Poor you - I do sympathize.
There are two things to look at. First, the owner is 'shooting the messenger' as she hasn't come to terms with the fact that no one realistically will spend that amount on a horse without involving a vet, and no one will pay that for a horse that shivers and has a sarcoid.
You could tactfully write her a letter explaining that you would still like to loan him and that you understand her disappointment......
Then, whatever the outcome, you can feel that you have given it your best shot, for the horse's sake , in trying to maintain your connection with him.
And the ' heartwrenching' bit is very hard but time WILL help and you will look back on it as another bl**dy character building thing and horses in your life mean huge ups and downs.
 
What a horrible thing to happen.

Firstly, if the situation is as you describe then the owner sounds as nutty as squirrel pooh. However fabulous he is, a horse with shivers and a sarcoid isn't worth £12k, or £8k for that matter. Heartbreaking though it is, I think that the less you are entangled with her the better.

If you really want to take the horse on then you could give her a bit of time to calm down and think things through, then offer to buy him for a nominal price. Since she has ended the loan she will have to start paying for the horse's keep herself, and may realise that she's losing money every week she keeps him.

However, I think your vet has given you some sound advice. I'm sure you can see for yourself what the likely outcome would be if you bought this horse. With my logical hat on, I would be walking away.

It is so hard to leave a horse behind once you have bonded. All I can say is that I hope you won't give up riding, and that there will be others. Years ago I fell head over heels in love with a horse I had on loan and tried to buy him, but the sale fell through for various reasons. BUT if I had bought that horse, I wouldn't have met the one I DID buy, who I wasn't smitten with from the start but turned out to be one in a million.
 
Nutty as squirrel poo! How funny, never heard that before!

As someone said, she may well try to sell the horse, but will no doubt fail at that price, so if you told her you would be happy to have the horse on loan, she may come back to you when she calms down. I wouldn't buy it at any price though. Shivers is very sad, but its a can of worms really, and I'd avoid it if I were you. I still think you'd be ebst finding something else to buy that would be all yours, and never taken away from you..
 
Thanks to all of you for the advice, the sympathy, the hugs, wine & chocolate.
Brandy, thanks for sharing your experiences with me. Actually the horse does stagger, and almost fall over. On Saturday when I went to bandage a hind leg, he clutched it up quickly and hit me in the head with it. I always have to be careful when being around him, and keep an eye out for him staggering etc, I have worried been about being knocked over by an unexpected stagger.

Honey08, thanks for your reply and the hugs :) In answer to your question, I did know about the shivers from the beginning...but because I didn't have any personal experience of it, I didn't think it was a biggie. My plan was to get to know the horse, and if he was right for me, then I would speak to my vet about buying him. In all honesty, I don't have a problem with the shivers at all. I accepted it as part and parcel of this lovely horse. The future Risk is the issue, not the shivers. My gut tells me that £8K is a lot to pay for such a big risk...I hadn't realised it was like MS in humans, thx for letting me know.

Ozpoz, I'm sure you're right, I think there was probably an element of the owner hoping that a vet would not be involved / or a vetting done. She did tell me he would definitely pass a vetting, and a flexion test, because he holds his legs up to stomach all by himself....

Thanks everyone for all your support! :) I am starting to feel it was the right decision, and that I should just get over it and move on.
 
What a horrible situation. Everybody is right to say move on, however, it seems like most are beating up horses with shivers. Yes, this can deteriorate, however, a lot of cases don’t. I have known quite a few top competition horses that have been fine until their early 20's and this has never affected their performance and the condition hasn't gotten worse over time. The problem with the potential horse you were looking at is that it sounds like a very bad case of shivers and you would need to know if this has been getting worse, and by the sounds of it, I don’t think the owner would be truthful with you. For £8-12k and horse with shivers & sarcoids, I would be wanting something close to GP Level as you just dont know.
 
It is very sad for you I know, but really in just 6 weeks you haven't build that strong a bond with him. You are in the honeymoon phase and are concentrating on his good points. As many have said, the horse is virtually valueless and the owner will end up broke if she carries on trying to sell him for anything at all. It sounds like she is very short of money and was hoping to use him to fill the cash-flow gap. While she persists in believing he is worth stupid money she is forking out for his keep etc, and spending more and more money she clearly hasn't got. In her shoes I'd be grateful to find him a kind home who will take him free of charge. Cut your ties and walk away for your own good. I could write a textbook on what it takes to maintain a horse with a neurological condition.

The sad fact of horses is that they break your wallet and your heart equally.
 
Sorry to hear about all of this.

Firstly the owner is totally MAD to be asking 12k for a horse that has shivers! She should be looking for a home a good home that will take on a horse like this. As others have said, shivers does get worse as the horse gets older as well as severe bouts of it.

I can send you hugs and say that your vet is right.

What was in your loan agreement? Usually owners and the loaner have a notice period and just can't take the horse back! That's unreasonable!
 
Loan is what is it says and lucky you the owner took it away, wait till she cann't sell it and offer meat money for him, because at the moment horses aren't selling and if things are as bad as they say more horses will be on the market come Xmas time.
 
Pedantic said:
12k 8k :eek: for a horse with this problem, what planet is she on......
Click to expand...

^^ this!

Straight to the point here, move on.. plenty more horses out there that need a good loving home WITHOUT this problem (which in my mind is a death sentence anyway). Owner sounds 'difficult', but she probably thought you would buy horse and she would get rid, so easy for her. Now its turned on her, and she won't know what to do.
Sad for the horse though, but chin up. x
 
What a horrible thing to happen!
If you have £8k available to spend on a horse you will be able to buy yourself a wonderful animal with extremely good quality tack, in this current climate, which you will be able to 'bond' with.
The best thing for you to do is move on.
 
Lots of hugs!!

I recently lost my horse very suddenly and we had such a bond it was amazing the way I felt to be around him was just un-describable we had something very special and it was taken away from me so cruely and painfully!

I can't tell you how you can recover as I haven't yet and sometimes I don't think anyone does recover after losing a partnership. But you have to keep yourself busy, and don't give up horses you will regret it! Keep in contact with someone with horses and go and have a play with them or perhaps have some lessons at a riding school, but I found keeping in contact with horses helped me immensly.

Talk about it aswell don't push it to the back of your mind and bottle it up, trust me I did this and broke down in college in front of everyone!! Even if you just burst into tears when you talk about it. I would try and forget about him and go and look at some horses for sale, you'll make it worse if you go and see him occasionally as you need to move away from him.

Lots and lots of hugs and if you need anyone to talk to feel free to PM me.
 
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