Help children deal with grief over pony

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carolineg

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:( Any advice gratefully received. After looking after our shetland for 10 years at the age of 30 she has had enough, having battled with cushings and now blindness. We have made the decision to have her pts on Friday afternoon. She was my 12 and 14yr old daughters first pony and we all adore her. She is being pts at home in our field and will be buried there, we're going to plant a tree by her and put a bench there so we can sit and 'talk' to her. This is the first pony I have lost and at 37 yrs old I'm finding it as hard as my children. Has anyone been through similar? How do I help them cope? I said they shouldn't be with her when she goes but should say goodbye first, is this right? Help please .....
 
So sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, apart from being there for them, nothing but time will make them feel better, let them spoil her rotten this week but its not something anyone can make better for you or them x
 
I don't know from a child's perspective but I'm 19 and lost my darling Teddy 2 months ago, he was the first horse I lost and were it not for him I wouldnt still be riding, he gave me back everything and I will owe him everything forever. Everyone said to me to not stay with him that I didn't want to see him go down, well there was no way I could leave him, he went by injection and I stayed with him the entire time, I'm sure he knew I was there and i just stroked him and spoke to him the whole way looking after him. I strongly believe had I not been with him I'd have found it much harder to cope than I am currently. I think you should explain how and what will happen and give them the choice. If you have any questions about it feel free to PM me i know how hard this is xx
 
Don't worry too much, children can be very resilient and deal with death better than adults, this is the right thing for your pony. Your own grief may be harder to deal with.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss :(

I've not ever been in that situation yet, but I can imagine it must feel awful.

What a lovely idea about the bench!

Perhaps let them give her a good groom and a pamper before she goes, make her look pretty, perhaps plaits in her mane or ribbons etc. Let them spoil her and make her and them feel special.

Then you could maybe make them each (and yourself of course!) a little keepsake box, with a bit of tail/mane, a photo and a shoe (if shod) or a brush/rosette that she won. They mightn't want to look at it straight away, but keep it safe and one day they'll want to.

Another idea is an album or a scrapbook of photos?

Keep your chin up, you're being very brave to make that decision, and I'll be thinking of you all xx
 
I think give them the choice of whether they want to be there or not - they will probably choose not, but at least they have made the decision.
My 12 yr old daughter asked to be present when our mare was pts, 12 weeks after having a foal. I held the mare (I wanted to be with her, holding her at the end) and Catherine watched from a way back. We went together to stroke her and say goodbye after the event. The knacker man advised that we didn't stay to watch her put on to the lorry, so we took the foal and our other mare up to the field, sat in the grass and cried together. It was very tough on us both, but Catherine was glad that she was there, as she said that what she had imagined had been far worse than the actual event. She found it to be very quick and very peaceful. She was a very mature child for her years, though. Only you know how your children will react.
Very sorry to hear about your pony. You must have looked after her so well to have got her to this great age and she is obviously well loved. I hope that all goes as smoothly as these sad things can xx. She will remain in your hearts forever and this is the final kind thing that we can do for our beloved animals. Will be thinking of you all on Friday xxx
 
carolineg said:
:( I said they shouldn't be with her when she goes but should say goodbye first, is this right? Help please .....
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As others have said- make a Keepsake box with photo's mane/tail etc

I would say better the children did not watch- only personal opinion-I have held friends horses/ponies for them at The Last Moment - Let them remember her as she is now

xXx
 
I think you should explain how and what will happen and give them the choice.
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Thanks for your kind words everyone, my girls are very mature I was just worried about them seeing her go down. We have cut some hair from her tail and they are going to have a bracelet made with it. I love the photo album idea and the box - thankyou. I just need to hold it together, we're waiting til friday so they havent got school the next day and we'll brush her together every day until then and generally spoil her. Thanks again.
 
It is awful when you have to make that decision, there has been some good advice already offered, on a purely practical level, speaking from experience, when the time comes if you can pts somewhere outside, my OH had to deal with a pony that had been pts in a stable. The owner was totally distraught and he asked for her to be taken home as to remove the pony from the stable would have made things much worse as it was so undignified.
 
I certainly wouldn't want the children present. For the vets sake as much as the kids. Let them say a last goodbye in the morning.

As others have said - kids are very reliant. The important thing is to talk about it.
 
Im very sorry. I would say that although its nice to be with them at the end for children it could be very traumatic.
I had to have my old mare pts and it was done by injection and im sorry to say the vet didnt do a very good job. It didnt go smoothly and was very upseting.
I still struggle with the memory of it and im much older.
I would hate to think of your children having that memory.
I know it rarely goes wrong and its not likely to in your case but mabe itsbest for them to say goodbye afterwards
 
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I had my boy put down 2 years ago. My children were the same age as yours are now. They came to the yard with my parents to say goodbye and when the Vet arrived, my parents took them home. As much as they said they wanted to stay, I made sure they didn't, and afterwards they said they were glad they didn't see it.

They were pretty good with dealing with their grief really. I let them talk about him if they wanted to, and also cried with them. I would just "be there" for your children and let them deal with it in their own way. You'll never get over losing your horse, but you will learn to live with it.

I'll be thinking of you all of Friday.

xx
 
Great advice from other posters. I would add that if you feel that you are going to struggle to hold it together for the children is there anyone else you can ask to help them through it at the time she is PTS? The reason I ask is that, as a farmer's kid, I grew up knowing that PTS was part of life, my parents never made a big deal of it, explaining that it was the natural way of things when animals get old and/or ill. We were never kept away from animals being euthanased (that I remember); we either stayed or we didn't depending if we wanted to. I am ever grateful for the way my parents treated us with regards to euthanasia,it made it so much easier when I had to make decisions as an adult. I'm not suggesting that your children are necessarily there for the 'deed' (only you/they can decide that) but it might make it easier for them, and for you, if someone else is able to be there for your children to help them deal with it.

Good luck, I hope it goes as smoothly as it can.
 
Don't let them watch- let them say goodbye, and then just offer hugs and let them chat as and when. Children are tremendously resilient. Try and plan it so they have at least the weekend to get the worst of the sudden crying when you remember the pony is dead out the way, but they will be fine. Honest!
 
When I lost my horse at 16 I was upset for a long time afterwards, and whenever mum and I talked about him we would cry. The vets didnt give us the option to be there if I remember rightly, althougg different circumstances. Having never been with an animal in that moment until recently I am unsure what I would choose for myself if I go back, as when I did eventually witness it, it was somehow reassuring that that is all it is, whereas if you dont see you dont really *know* in the same way.

The one thing that REALLY helped me was my yard owner's insistance that I sit on another horse. If I hadn't, I would have brooded and when I started riding regularly again I wasn't doing the 'am I being unfaithful getting on another horse' thing. Whist I wasnt ready to own again for a long time, I think its important to keep them involved with horses now if possible. Sounds as if you own others anyway?
 
The other thing I meant to say is if its injection let them say goodbye once the deeds done. My daughters 7 & has done that with the shetland she rode when little, our dog & a few hamsters & mice, I think it makes it easier to accept it. Whether they are there for the deed is your choice but I echo the advice of others that neither you nor they should watch the removal.
 
as with the other posters I would let your children say goodbye the morning or night before, and then have it done when they are at school sometimes it does go wrong, and personally I wouldn't want my own daughter to have those memories. To be honest I doubt your vet would be very happy about them being there either.
 
Not related in horses, but animals/pets in general...

When I was younger the family dog had to be Pts at home as she had collapsed (dogs worshipped at home), my mam took me and my brother to the stables, and made us say goodbye to the dog and gave us a hug and a kiss. While we were out dad stayed with the dog while the vet came to PTS. We were told later that day that Helga had gone to heaven and we both wrote he a poem, kept it in a memory box along with a collar and photos.

Memory boxes are very comforting to me and it's something I still do now whenever I lose an animal/person. There is no cure, but time and keeping busy helps. The best help is usually the addition of a new puppy a week or do after!
 
A friend sent me a link the other day, http//bayintegratedmarketing.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/a-dogs-purpose-from-a-6-year-old/ I think it is worth a look and maybe a way to make sense of it to children. It made sense to me :)
Best wishes to you all for Friday, so sorry for your loss and I hope the event goes as smoothly as these things can.
 
So sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can. The bench and a tree is a lovely idea! We got a little statue and painted some pebbles to say "Holly" when my cat went (Ok, I'm 22, but childish things help me when I'm upset)
Will be thinking of you, your kids and your pony *hugs*
 
When we had a little one put to sleep a few years ago, my children were all thirteen years old and under. They spent the last week spoiling her rotten. She was allowed to eat yummy grass, have buckets of food, carrots, polos etc and my children groomed her so much she shone like a new penny (She adored children). The day before they spent all day with her until it was time to say goodnight and tuck her up in her stable, they took photographs and cut keepsakes of her mane and tail. I swear that if a pony could smile, she would have been grinning from ear to ear, she died with the love of four children surrounding her memory.

She was put to sleep the following morning with just myself, my husband and the vet there. I didn't feel it would achieve anything at their age to remember her going down and taking her last breath. The photos of them all cuddling her and smiling was testament to that. It was another three years, when my eldest was 16 years old that I allowed her to be part of it and to be there.
 
horsemadmum1 said:
Don't worry too much, children can be very resilient and deal with death better than adults, this is the right thing for your pony. Your own grief may be harder to deal with.
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Completely agree with the above. My daughter was about 7 the first time we lost one.She saw the body, said her goodbyes and got on with her life. I on the other hand was complete mess for ages (said pony was my first ever horse and id had him a very long time.)

Next time was worse It was more her pony. That morning she spent hours plaiting and grooming. She wasnt present for the act but we brought her back after. This was heart wrenching as she lay clinging to her crying for a long time. I believe saying goodbye helped her deal with it and would certainly do it again.
As above she did bounce back much quicker than id ever have expected. Kids are amazing- it will probably be very tough for you so big hugs xx
 
I've never not been with a family pet whilst it's pts. I think you owe it to them to be there and i'll do the same with Ronnie when the time comes, although hopefully not for ages, and any other animal I have in-between times. I'd definitely let them stay if they want to.

Apart from my Rabbit, Guinea pig and Hamster who died of natural causes we never had any family pets pts when I was really young. In the case of these 3, after being found dead, all were stroked and cuddled before being placed in a box and buried at the bottom of our garden. We would plant a nice pansy or some daffodil bulbs planted on top. All three of them went in Channel Shoe boxes and tissue paper pinched from my Auntie!!

I was 12 when my spaniel died and stayed to witness it, it's obviously not a really young age, but young enough for it to still really effect you. My mum drove frantically to the vets and I had Daisy spaniel on my lap on the back seat. I couldn't have just parted company and waited outside and my mum never even bothered to ask, knowing I would refuse. I had her little head in my hand as they injected. She went very peacefully.

At 16, I had to take our cat to the vets to be put down. My mum had been away on a short trip and was due back the day after so I had to call a relative to come and collect me and take us to the vets (I was too young to drive). After coming downstairs one morning I found little black Pudds cat just not looking 'quite right'. She was 19 and I was always keeping a close eye on her so I didn't miss her 'telling me it was her time' and that morning I was pretty sure she'd had enough. Again I wrapped her in a blanket and sat with her on the back seat of the car and took her in. She was a tiny tiny cat, and the vet confirmed that within the last 4 hours she had become severely dehydrated and her kidneys had begun to fail. they positioned her facing me and her tail towards the vet so I crouched down and had my face near hers so I could whisper to her. She purred and stared me in the eye the entire time the needle went it, they had to inject her twice because she just wouldn't leave me. Her purrs got quieter and her little head just flopped slowly into my hand. My mum was sad that she didn't get to say goodbye, but trusted me 110% to make the right decision. I'm glad she did, because otherwise I hate to think what kind of pain our little cat would have been in trying to 'save her'.
 
Don't really have any advice but just wanted to say what a lucky pony to have been loved by you and two little girls - will be thinking of you xx
 
Sitting reading these posts with tears streaming down my face and my nose dripping in my cup of tea , our pony is 15 and i dread the day [ hopefully a long way off ] that she has to be pts . my 12 year old daughter lives and breathes for her pony and i love her to the moon and back aswell, we have lost several much loved dogs in the past and i have always had them pts at home and held them .
Pony is the first family pet that has actually belonged to my daughter and will be very hard to replace as she is perfect , i would do as most suggest and keep some hair and make a memory box , will be thinking of you on friday so sad x
 
I read this at lunchtime at work with tears but couldnt respond. Be honest to your children explain what will happen gently but how what is happening its the greatest show of love to your very special ponyand leave the door open for them to ask more questions if they want. Share thier tears with hugs and let them speak open about thier memories. in time you will be sharing memories with smiles. Whilst so so sad you will find they will "come to terms" probably quicker than you and will grow from the experience in later life - I love the saying " better to have loved than never have loved at all" and thats what you and your children have done - you have loved a very special friend and isnt that an amazing feeling

Whether to let them be there? only you can answer as you know your little ones - if my daughter had asked when younger I would have said yes but she choose to not be - there is no right or wrong answer

My thoughts are with you all at this sad time - dont be afraid to cry in front of your children be honest how you feel and just have big loving arms to comfort

What a lovely mum to your pony you have been and a loving caring mum to your children - Big hugs from me xxxx
 
I'm sorry that it has come to the time, but unfortunately it will come for all animals :(

I would say the most important thing is that no-one who is with the horse at the time is upset/cries etc as animals are too sensitive & will pick up that something is wrong. Spoiling them with a packet of their favourite treats always seems right.

My first memory (aged 18months) is of my mother's horse being pts (old age) but I didn't understand at that age. I lost my rescue pony when I was 4 and just said goodbye before although still didn't understand properly I think saying goodbye was right, I was probably too young for a body. At 7 I lost another pony from Cushins and was better able to say goodbye beforehand. At 12 I lost yet another pony, from cancer this time and 'made' the decision myself to pts. Obviously mum would have made if I hadn't but it was my pony and I think knowing all the information and 'making' the decision helped me. This time I said goodbye before and after and I feel I was old enough for this but didn't watch him actually being pts. I have seen horses pts, however it has always been easier when the horse/pony has needed pts from old age rather than other reasons such as colic etc. (We have had homed a number of rescues). I still have pieces of mane from my ponies/horses.

Personally I find injection easier to watch than shooting although I've had both used, however it will of course depend on whether you want the horse cremated or eaten by hunt dogs. (Some people think this is barbaric, some as nature intended). I'm guessing that only injection is an option since I guess your little mare is on medication. I hope Friday goes smoothly for you all x
 
I agree with Ashleigh_ and Mc nally we have always been there when our horses have been pts, but you know your child best and I am sure will make the right choice.

I am afraid your post made me cry we lost one of ours last week to twisted gut and as I posted I dont like them being taken away, but I have to be there to see them off just to make sure everything is done right silly I know but just cannot help it.

As for trying to help them through let them cry and be sad we are possibly one of the most unemotional families about most things but when we lose one of ours we are all sad and and we were taught from an early age it is ok to be sad and upset and to miss them.

We were also taught it is part of life and it hurts but it is good to talk about them enjoy them and to remember all the funny cute nice things they did.

It will take a long time and you have days where something silly makes you cry, I am still bursting in to tears at the silliest things and it was my dads horse , they are such a big part of your life and it really does leave a little hole in your heart every time you loose one, I am sure as a family you will support one another and children can understand death more than we think they can.

Thinking of you and your family and bless you all.
 
I second the memory box idea - I have one for my mare & I was 50 when she was pts! Let the children decide what they would like to put in it. There may be things that aren't obvious & you wouldn't think of, but they feel are linked to the pony in some way. It will also help them feel part of the process in a non scarey way.
 
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