Help! How to put someone off?

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ilovecobs

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Hi, this may seem a silly small matter but i'v spent the last two days torn up about it worrying because an old friend wants to move onto the yard im on. Basically, this friend, shes a nice enough person but she CANNOT take the hint and goes on and on so much I end up feeling very 'down' when im around her. Im an upbeat sort of person and I'll tolerate almost anyone and try to look for the best in people but she grates away at my last nerve!!

I'v not seen her in ages and we agreed that she could come to the yard with me for a catchup. Shes now convinced her mum to say she can move on there. It's reduced me to tears, sounds very melodramatic I know and i'm not that sort of person. She has a similar affect on my mum who also comes to the yard everyday and I haven't told my mum yet and i'm dreading it because I love the time I spend with my mum up there and I don't think she would want to come up as much anymore (That actually happened when I was on the same yard as this 'friend' My mum got so sick of her shes was very obvious about it and the girl just did not get it! So my mum changed her work hours! << May seem drastic but u haven't met her. I also no longer was able to enjoy the thing I love more than anything.)

Its taken a lot of trial and error to find a yard where I am truely happy and I'm thinking about being brutally honest and just telling this person but I would like to resolve the matter in a different way. I feel guilty on the girl writing this as she isn't a nasty person or anything

Before you judge me please be aware that i'm 'everyones person' usually and I like pretty much everyone really.
Please just any advice? Thankyou x
One thing is for certain, she moves on and I will not get a seconds peace. (Its actually a busy yard with over 100 stables but everybody up there is brill and I just love it there)
 
I take it your all quite young if mum is involved?
When you say she is coming to the yard do you mean with her horse , or to work, help out etc?

Devious methods such as telling her the yard has strangles are bound to backfire , and won't make you a friend of the YO.

Personally I need quite a the yard I'm at, and It doesn't take much of a grizzly look to make people aware of when I'm not in the mood for a chat.

I think your only option is to tell her what you think tactfully, even something along the lines of your time with your horse or even your mum is important to you and if she came you would not be able to ride with her etc...

But then reading your post, i get the feeling I'm a meaner person than you.
 
mmmmm ok not sure of your age here hun mmmmm if older ( ok aged like me) id say tell it straight but thinking you a lot younger hun- ok you need to make it clear quite firmly hun this is you and your mums space and time (and as a mum with 22yr daughter our horse time either her yard or mine are important) . from start distacne self introduce her to others on yard make a distance - and if that doesnt work get your mum to have a quiet word - sorry mum and daughter time at yards is the damn best and no one gets in way of ours lol
big hugs hun as not nice but be friendly but firm hunxxx
 
and if need a shouldr im here - just pm me and will help where i can - think positive and just enjoy youre time with youre mum - its priceless :)
 
Im 17 and shes 18. My mum comes and helps me with my jobs and shes started riding a little while ago so we share her and it is important to me as unlike a lot of people I know my age I get on great with my parents and I think horses have a lot to do with it. And I agree bm it is priceless! (When talking to this 'friend' the other day she definitely thinks its weird that I like my mum coming with me.) This girl hasn't spoke to YO about moving on yet so I may try and have a word before she does. I'm glad people don't think i'm being stupid :)
 
I'll think of some ingenious way to put her off. I require that gorgeous cob in your siggie in payment though :p
 
Naturally I'll tell her you said that, shes in need of a self esteem boost as the person I posted about aimed a few fat jokes her way, and thats after shes lost 40 KG! She looks better for it now though :)
 
Do you meen she talks to much, inane chatter, or she moans and whinges a lot? Or what?
And if you feel this way about her, why is she a friend?

Right, you need to practise this in a mirror....... you say... "bog off and leave me alone, i'm busy and can't be doing with you mithering me"
Or "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! while griping your hair and closing your eyes, usually scares them off
In all sereosness (sp) why put up with her if you don't like her.
 
The atmosphere on a yard is an odd thing.

It's incredibly important - we pay a shed load of money to keep our expensive horses at the best yards that we can, and in return we hope that we will enjoy all the time that we spend with them.

If you have a sympathetic yard manager or owner I think I'd have a quiet word about the character of some of the potential liveries........
 
No ideas apart from what's been said above about getting her to not move on initially, but if she DOES end up moving on - go down at different times if possible, ride when you know she won't be there, therefore she won't be able to tag on, say your horse is better when riding on your own, or again use the mother and daughter time thing - if she doesn't like that then that's her problem!!...
I know the feeling btw!!!
K x
 
If I were you, i would go to the yard owner and ask Him/her to give you a warning if this person makes an enquiry. Explain that you really struggle with her, and if she does come on, you need time to look for somewhere else.

The owner will have nothing to gain if he/she just takes on one livery to lose another. YO may put the girl off for you.
 
Fii - What you have said makes a lot of sense. When we where on the same farm she would glance at her horse in the field and because he was alive that would be it for him and she would then follow me talking and talking (including plently of complaints) while I was doing my jobs and anything else I wanted to do for a couple of hours and id then go home. She lives sort of near me and she would then be waiting outside my house each day for a lift to the farm. I think I know the problem (other than her) Its my lack of a backbone! Im good at hinting but it just doesn't work with her and its energy wasted. I think I need to be direct. Better start making a papier mashe spine :o
 
Ok. this may sound a little harsh but I have been there with a "friend" like this. Once you have sorted out the yard thing the only way to deal with it is to cut all contact (possibly not permanently) but in myexperience people like this wont get hints and telling them in words of one syllable how you feel will only get you so far. If you do feel the need to keep in contact be very careful about where you meet up. Keep it somewhere neutral and certainly nowhere where you would be upset about this person turning up (because they will) over and over again. Maybe dont physically meet up at all but keep in contact via phone/email etc.

PHRx
 
Bribe the YO to bump them off saying that there is no room on the yard. If there are spare boxes then say that they are due to be filled next week when somone else moves in.
 
If she's so awful why are you friends with her? Or do you like to keep her around for certain situations? Why not have a friend detox and stop seeing people that don't make you feel good. A friend should be someone you are pleased to hear from not someone you dread coming into contact with. Stop leading her on and whining about her behind her back.
 
I would definitely speak to the YO and explain this person is like this and you find it a drag but others may too. If that does not work then I think you have little choice but to be polite but direct and explain that you need to get on with what you are doing and dont have time to chat all day etc. I sympathise actually - this person sounds like an acquantance who in small doses is ok but in large ones is not.
 
Being a YO

I would strongly advise speaking to YO . I have had a few warnings myself of potential liveries being problematic if your happy there and she is happy with you being there say how much this person upsets you and say you have to leave so she will gain one and lose one I am sure she would rather keep you ,I myself would rather keep the ones I have, than bring in one I have been warned about.
This way she will most prob respect you for being honest she wants a happy yard.

Unless she is in the minority who don't care money grabbing and fill the yard to the hoot and over crowd just fr the £££££o
 
Definately tell the YO ;) It sounds like a great, happy yard so maybe your YO cares enough to keep it that way :)

Ditto ^^^, you'd be easy to recognise with your gorgeous cob in your siggy and your location!
 
The_Hooligan said:
How old are you? you sound like a pathetic kid, grow up. harsh but true.
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I think that it is you who sounds like the kid. Harsh, but true. You are not the 'friend' are you? :D

OP, I completely understand your situation, having been in a similar one myself once. I would have a chat with your friend and suggest that it would spoil your friendship if she moved to the yard as you don't like to get too friendly with anyone on the yard as it always leads to problems. Actually, this is often the case as I have witnessed many a time.
 
sprite1978 said:
If I were you, i would go to the yard owner and ask Him/her to give you a warning if this person makes an enquiry. Explain that you really struggle with her, and if she does come on, you need time to look for somewhere else.

The owner will have nothing to gain if he/she just takes on one livery to lose another. YO may put the girl off for you.
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Definitely this. I had a similarish problem when I heard a girl who was awful to me (I mean just nasty and a nightmare) wanted to move to my yard. When my YO mentioned her name and that she wanted to move to her yard to me, I went pale. I simply said that if X moved here, I will have to look for somewhere else but I *really* don't want to. My YO said that's ok, I'll tell her we are full. The relief I tell you!

It is important to stay happy where you are. If X had moved to my yard, I would have been miserable even though I love it there!
 
I would warn the YO and let her do some digging about said person, mine always digs around and often says no. One extra horses livery is not worth an unhappy yard. Or if not and she does turn up the ipod is your friend :) walking round with headphones in so you cant hear her or can ignore her without feeling bad if you do hear her.
Good luck.
 
Op completely understand where you are coming from, i have a friend like that. She is very good at making people feel rubbish and whining for most of the time, she has even made me feel terrible for having such a wonderful OH, which is hardly fair. there are people like this at any age.

Have a word with YO explain the situation and be completely honest that if she comes here you would probably end up leaving.
 
Reminds me of when a person moved on my yard (was dealing horses, great for disease control - not) and it turned out their business partner was the lying thieving barsteward who had robbed my previous yard when they got chucked off, including nicking my beautiful saddle which I'd bought with money left to me by my grandmother. Fortunately they didn't last long as they got the push for non payment of rent but I felt sick every time I went up there.
 
Definitely have a word with the YO, but if she isn't sympathetic then ....

You have to have an honest chat with the girl. Say that the yard is your time with your horse and your mum. If she would like to move onto the yard then fine, but she will have to find her own feet and make her own friends once she gets there and not rely on you. You have aims, ambitions and things of your own to do.

If you want to, you could also ask her what she wants to achieve from her yard move, and suggest people who may be able to help her achieve her ambitions!
 
domane said:
What about telling her to join the H&H forum?

Then she can read your post - problem solved!!! :D
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lol, good idea!
OR has your yard got a "super bitch fire breathing old dragon"?
Every yard has one and sends the most bravest of men scuttling for cover when they are in a "mood"!
Ask her to tell her on your behalf if you find you can't do it or if your friend just won't listen to you.
Oz :)
 
You know what you HAVE to be assertive. Easier said than done I know, but you can do it.

As soon as she comes to you and starts either gossipping/moaning/criticising - put your hand up and with a smile just say "Enought - sorry - don't want to know!" and then just calmly walk away. If she asks you why you're being like this again, quite calmly, explain that you really don't need anything that will undermine your confidence and your happiness around your horses, and so you want only positive, upbeat chit chat please which you'll be glad to partake in.

You know, just lately I've been around someone who has been totally negative about everything I want to do with my horse, even coming up with "And what about if your horse is never good enough?"

Before I punched her I walked away, fuming, and since then I have literally kept my distance and everytime she has come the same negative approach I've actually said to ehr" It must be great being as happy as you!" She really is getting the message. Good luck - DON'T LET HUMANS SPOIL YOUR JOY - EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
I love my friends to bits but doesn't mean I could live with them, nor them with me. There are boundaries to every friendship which need to be respected, it doesn't make you any less friends. Your boundary in this case is yard sharing. If she really wants to move to the yard then its up to the YO and there is not much you can do about it, but you need to have a word with her and ask her to respect your time and space whilst you're there. To be honest though is this person someone you really need in your life at all?? What exactly are you getting from being friends with her?? Life is far to short to be surrounded by negative people IMO, so don't be nasty about it but I wouldn't be afraid to be honest with her either.
 
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