help me get over this situation please

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mar2505

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Help, I am slowly getting my confidence back to the extent that i even went to a show the other month however I just cannot hack out. To make it worse I have a friend who hacks out my horse and I walk with her and I always seem to say thats ok then when we get back to the yard and she leaves i end up in floods of tears knowing that deep down I have the perfect horse and that I should have hacked out instead of her. Problem is I am fine when I sit at home in the evening imagining the perfect hack but when I am on the yard and given a get out excuse ie to let her ride then I take it. Today she said my horse was a bit forward going so perhaps she should stay on him so I heaved a sigh of relief and agreed, now I am so upset. She now wants a lesson on him tomorrow which will be good for him but another day I cannot ride him. However i dont want to say no as she is so helpful to me in building my confidence. All advice gratefully received and thanks
 
just take it slowly and assess why your afraid to ride.... also dont let her take over your horse... she may be helpful, but in the end you will have np time for him yourself... she should be helping you by saying good things about him, not that he is forward going etc.

Get yourself some lessons instead of her and take it from there.... the very best of luck to you.
 
I didn't like hacking my last horse as he could be spooky, but I got my o/h to accompany me on his mountain bike & he was a lot better like that. Could your friend bike / walk & you follow along behind? My horse used to take a lead from the bike as if it were another horse - but the bike is safer than another horse as there is no possibility of it going nuts & causing chaos.
 
This will make you laugh but she is quite happy to walk with me but the moment she gives me an excuse I take it. Its strange but i do almost feel that she does not encourage me as she realy enjoys riding my horse and i suspect controlling me. Trouble is with my confidence i am reluctant to distance her friendship as most people think i am quite silly for being so nervous when my horse is so bombproof.
 
hhmm I did think when I read your post that it sounds like your friend like riding your horse a bit too much. Ditto the you riding your pony out and someone going with you on a bike, you need more confidence, if you are nervous you will make your pony spooky through your body language. Don't stress about it, just take it a step at a time. You've made it too a show, I'm way too scared to do that!!!
 
Have confidence in yourself! You can do it.

Maybe next time you school go for a little hack at the end, just walking for 5 minutes or so to cool off, then gradually build up from there.
 
Ditto about someone going out walking alongside while you ride and about getting some lessons to boost your confidence. The more you do it the more you will become confident in how well your horse behaves. To start with could you possibly swap over part way round !.

Is there anyone else that you could ask to walk alongside you, so you are not so reliant on your friend ?.

Just start off going out for 10 mins and gradually build it up if that helps.
 
I always used to love hacking everywhere.....but since an accident riding (not hacking I might add) I do not enjoy it anymore, because I lack bravery now. I am doing short hacks on my own now but I can't say I am enjoying them yet!!

I think you need to come up with a structured plan of how to tackle this problem. Something along the lines of; Get your friend hacking your horse out so your horse is happy to hack and not spooky, then get your friend to lead you out on a short hack a number of times until you feel happy. Only then take the lead rein away and do it yourself. Stick to the same short hack and then gradually increase the distance from home when you feel more confident. Don't push yourself to increase the distance/goal too fast.

I find that a lot of thoughts go through my head when hacking, along the lines of 'He's gonna spook if something flies out of htat hedge', 'What happens if a noisy car speeds past, he will jump at it', etc, etc. You need to take your mind away from the worst possibilities by challenging negative thoughts and thinking about other things. It may sound crazy but I sing to my horse and chat to him about what I am going to do that evening and that helps.....Be positive....you can make steps forward.....
 
I must admit that my first thought was that your friend is (albeit maybe subconciously) planting a seed of doubt in your mind. I came off Clyde in December and realised that on his won he is NOT bombroof. So, my OH bought a bike and came out with me. It worked, Clyde and I both gained confidence because, as someone else here said, a bike will not spook and do something silly. Say to yourself, do you or do you not want to ride your horse? If you do, then YOU ride him. He sounds lovely, just like Clyde. Give him the chance to prove it to you. If your friend has her way, you will never really make the effort! Good luck!
 
I know what you mean about jumping at any excuse not to do it - I was in a very similar place about a year ago.

One little thing that really helped me when I started trying to go out on my own was to set mental 'gates' at various points on the ride, and before I left the yard, to decide which one was 'locked' and I wouldn't be able to go past,even if I did want to.

So, for example, the first gate was just 10 yards up the lane, and the first time I went out, it was locked, so I could only go 10 yards up the lane and come back.

The next time, that gate was open, but the next one, 100 yards or so further on, was locked.

Ok, so maybe I've just made myself sound like a nutter, but it really helped me get my head round things, and realise that I could do it.
 
I can totally understand where you are coming from, I had a horse on loan last year after I had to have my mare put to sleep. The loan horse was a nightmare and was all the bad things you can think of. He totally wiped out my confidence. I have now bought a lovely andalusian gelding who is a baby and very green. Every day we do something new and my confidence is growing, the girls at my yard are great so much so they actually lead me around the school whilst I rode him.

If your friend really wanted to help you, it would be her doing the walking not you, he is YOUR HORSE, dont let her take him over. You should have the lessons on him. Suggest to your friend that it is time you started to ride your horse, so if he is forward going that is great at least you know he is not going to stop and refuse to move, a horse needs to go forward otherwise you will not travel any where!

The very best of luck, keep us up to date

Hugs
 
Could you not have an intensive course with an instructor who could spend time with you to build your confidence. Perhaps away from your own yard, so you dont feel watched etc and even on another horse.

Sometimes it is the fear of doing things wrong and worrying that can make it worse, especially if you have a capable friend who takes control etc, it can make you feel more inferior.
 
I know how you feel as I'm now back riding after 15 years and lack confidence even though I have my AI so could do it once! Just go out for a quick walk up the road then back again and gradualy build it up ultra, ultra slowly. Whatever you do don't set yourself up to fail as if something goes wrong on a hack it will really knock your confidence. As above have some leassons and better still get your instructor to hack out with you if poss. Or of course, if you really dislike hacking then just don't hack! It's not the end of the world is it - no need to beat yourself up over it just enjoy what you do. Good luck mate .
 
i know might sound silly but can you not take a lead rope and half way through the hack swap over and have her walk with you riding and the lead rope clipped to the bit rings. this might give you reassurance that if something untoward happens you are not in sole control?
this helped me when learning bareback, although felt about five years old was worth it, lol
 
I don't hack. Would like to sometime but am not pressuring myself anymore. It will happen when it happens. Horse gets plenty of turnout. Let your friend do the hacking and you do what you enjoy. Everyones a winner then.
 
I'm a non-rider but two things struck me on reading your post. First of all, she may not realise it, but your friend is not helping your confidence by saying that your horse was too forward for you to ride today as this kind of implies you're not good enough to ride a forward horse. Also, it seems to me that you are waiting for her to say that your horse is perfect today and you won't have any problems - which is asking too much of anyone! What do you do with your horse? (for example, I'd be too scared to even get on one or even groom it and so would 99% of the rest of the world). Concentrate on improving what you can do (going to a show sounds pretty brilliant to me) and forget about hacking out for a while.
 
Hi,
I would not be too quick to think that your friend is enjoying your horse a bit too much and wants you to stay unconfident. When I lost my nerve following an accident, I thought a good friend of mine was doing this too but actually I was projecting my own sense of inadequacy onto her which was understandable but unfair of me.

Your friend could be genuinelly trying to help... perhaps your horse was feeling a bit full of himself and she wanted to make sure you only had positive experiences on him if she knows how a) nervous you feel and b) how you really want to get over this?

I would advise to not worry about it too much and take things slowly. Also try to visualise going hacking when you are safe at home - visualise things going wrong as well as things going great and try to go through in your head how you will handle each situation and how that will make you feel. That way you will start to build up coping strategies for potential problems (like a motorbike appearing or your horse spooking or whatever frightens you to think about) and they won't seem so insurmountable.

Your friend probably wants to help you, don't be too quick to assume she is trying to put you off riding your horse - I nearly lost a good mate feeling this way... fortunately she was understanding enough to realise that I was just upset myself and she forgave me!
 
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