Help... When does it start to sink in?

Hannah92

Hannah92

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Last november a really close family friend got diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She had chemo which made her really ill to try and reduce the tumor size. No luck so on christmas day she underwent a historectomy *sp!* and then more chemo. They told her this had worked and she only had to have one more cycle of chemo. However she got really ill again, worse than before. Tests revealed that it had spread to liver/stomach/lungs. They put her through more chemo but this week told us that it is not going to work, they have withdrawn all treatment and given her 6 weeks max.
Shes a single mum with an 18 yo daughter, she is only 52 herself. She is like my 2nd mum she has always been here for me. I just cant imagine life without her. It just hasnt sunk in, today S (her daughter) & I had to go to the hospice to sort out all the funeral arrangements. Its so surreal... we all know its happening... we are dealing with it... yet inside i cant believe it its like denial.
Does it just suddenly click... is there a day when you realise that they are going and they arnt coming back?
It would just be nice to make it all better plus AS' start in a week! All so stressful!
 
I haven't been in your position fortunately but it must be really grim. i don't think it will sink in until the funeral, or so a good friend of mine told me (she has just lost her dad to cancer) Thinking of you
 
Everyone deals with traumas in different ways, please be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to get used to it/grief at your own pace, there are no right or wrong time scales. So sorry x
 
How awful...For you and her family! I haven't been in that position either so can't help...

I hope someone that has been through it can offer advice / support...

Sorry for you all

xx
 
Hannah so so sorry for you and S.
When my mum died i was in denial and was so angry - with everyone - God - the world - everything.
It really is just time that will heal you - look after yourself and S - you have each other and that will help.
Eventually you will be able to remember all of the good times and not just the grief.
Take care. x
 
As Benji1 said, dealing with this kind of situation is so individual there are no time limits you can set. I'm so sorry for you all!

It may seem a bit irrelavent atm, or maybe you have already delt with it? But make sure you and your friends college/school is aware of what is going on. It will be important to get the support from them and for the purpose of the A-level exams that a fair grade will be given to you considering the circumstances.

Thinking of you xxx
 
I'm so sorry. Don't worry - it's very normal for this news to seem unreal. It often takes people a long time to come to terms with it and everyone reacts differently. Disbelief, numbness, anger, pain are all part of process, so just go with it however it takes you.
Make the most of the time still left with her and take comfort in all the good memories as you will always have those. People say these things and they sound trite at the time but they are true.
My biggest piece of advice would be to pay attention to each day at the moment as it's so easy to become focussed on the shock of the news and all the accompanying upset and lose sight of the person and relationships. Spend time with her if you can and remember it's OK to be all over the place emotionally. There's no right or wrong way to be. Everyone's different and that's fine.
Take care.
 
I'm so sorry to hear of your sad news. I lost my dad to cancer 6 weeks ago. He was very poorly last October and we were told then it was a matter of weeks, yet he lasted another 5 months.
I know what you mean about it being surreal. Although my dad has now died I still can hardly believe that it has happened.

All you can do is spend as much time with your friend as possible. I did that with my dad, we had lots of laughs (it is possible) and I'm so pleased that I had that extra time with him.
It's a horrible situation but I think the feelings of denial you have are perfectly natural and is natures way of helping you deal with it.

Life can be sad and it's so unfair that your friend has had to suffer like she has. You must all be shellshocked, stick together and you'll gain strength from each other.
 
Hi Hannah,

I am so sorry to hear your news.

The others have said already what emotions you'll probably be feeling, but as they've said too, each reaction will be individual to you and your friend's daughter.

My suggestion would be to use the time you have left together to make a memory book - write down things that matter to you all, things that you'd like to say, pictures of horses you love and those of each other - let her and you both express what you are feeling: let her write down what advice she'd like to pass on to you both for situations where she won't be there - the stories she was saving for later....

EVERYTHING you want to say to each other, however silly and even if it makes you cry (which it will, I am afraid).

Things that make you all laugh, things you will miss, blokes you fancy, songs you like, shared memories...

I wish I could say it will make it better, but it may help by giving you all something positive to do; something for her to leave, and something for you both to have for the future.

Thinking of you at an awful time...

Kate

PS CRUSE (bereavement charity) are brilliant.
 
Sorry to hear your sad news - the Macmillan nurses offer excellent support to families - can provide counsellors.... Be strong if you can and have a good cry when you need to x
 
I am so sorry to hear this, it must be awful for you. Things like this always seem surreal to me, do not put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. My thoughts are with you and your friend. I do not think there is anything that can be said, you just need to take each day as it comes x
 
I like kate's idea, wish i had thought of that when it would have been useful!

I think it is different for everyone, but my brother was ill with cancer for nearly 2 years and kept bouncing back, and it rarely felt real, even though he was on the brink several times before bouncing back. It was actually several months after the funeral it hit me. I think the numbness can be kind of good. Maybe that's why it's there.

So sorry there's nothing we can do to help, but don't dwell on the future, make the most of the here and now and try to do things, no matter how little, that you will all remember as being happy times. Watch funny films, maybe try to get out a little to somewhere nice and peaceful, play silly games or whatever else she enjoys. She will probably be going through the same numb feeling, and i found that keeping laughter alive was the best medicine for everyone and made those times more real in a good way. Even when my brother wasn't really with us, we tried to keep a positive atmosphere, and it helped us, and eachother, as well as him.

Big hugs xx
 
To be honest I dont really think it does sink in until they are gone. I lost my mum 4 years ago, it was all very sudden one day she was here the next she was in hospital on a life support machine. She had a blood clot in her small intestine which had caused just under 2 meters of it to 'die' which had led to toximia. They operated and removed the dead intestine but her body had produced so much of is own anti inflammatrie that the lining of her lungs had thickened so much and so she was'nt absorbing enough oxygen. She was on a life support for 3 weeks and on 100% oxygen but the lining still had'nt went down. It was hard because if they had eased off the sedation she would be awake and knowing what was going on around her. It was hard to make the disission to turn her oxygen down and let her slip away because to me she was only asleep, she was'nt dying!
I still have'nt been able to bring myself to delete her name and number from my mobile, and sometimes when I go round and see my brother I forget myself and expect my mum to be sat in her chair (my bro now lives in my mums house). You just need to be there for your friends daughter and you will both help each other to get through it. Just try and remember the good times that you all shared x.
 
I lost my friend just over 4 years ago. We knew for a few months that she wouldn't be around for long. I was in denial, I would look at her and just couldn't imagine the world without her in it. We would go out to the shops with her in her wheelchair and had a right laugh, we would also sit with a coffee and talk quite frankly about things which made us cry. I don't think it was until the final few weeks when she was in the hospice that I really believed that it was for real.
All I could think was 'it's just not fair', she had 2 children 4 and 7.
So sorry about your friend. All I would say is just try to spend lots of happy times with her and enjoy the time you have left together.
 
be there for eachother, thats the best thing you can do! my dad died very suddenly 4 years ago, he had a pulminary embalism which killed him prety much instantly and he was found by the police in his flat after neighbours were suspicous that he hadnt been out for his mail, being only 15 at the time and in gcse's it didnt go down well, but my family were amazing, even writing this now iv got tears down my face so its never really sunk in with me but sometimes a good cry makes u feel better, treasure the good times and support eachother. the day after i found out i was down the yard clipping my horse, i couldnt bear to be sat around the house doing nothing, iv done school, done college and doing uni this year and i know thats what he would have wanted and would be proud!! i belive in spirits and all that jazz through the experiences me and my mum have had so there not really going anywhere, they will always be with you!!
huge hug!
 
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