Help with advertisement

[TheBlackMoth]

We have put Lita up for sale on Horsemart and I am having a debate with my daughter about the wording of the advertisement.

I would appreciate any opinions on the advertisement. The advertisement number is HM834E39H

Thanks in advance.

Nuala

 

[vennessa]

I am the worst at adverts but what sticks out to me is the offers bit. I think you will get stupid offers from everyone to try it on a bit. Personally i think i would save that for viewers. You could end up with dealers makeing offers and selling on.
Lovely horse.

 

[AmyMay]

I would re-word at as follows;

Eyecatching 16.1hh 6 year old black Belgian Warmblood mare. Exceptionally well–bred – by Parco (Darco) out of a Ramiro Z mare. Thrives on work and competition, therefore would suit an experienced competition home to allow her to excel. Hacks out alone or in company, confident in traffic and sensible on the roads. Good to catch, load, shoe, clip, etc, and lives in or out. No vices. Has performed excellently at all competitions – won and placed in showing classes, placed in show jumping and dressage, has competed cross country and done cross country schooling.

A sweet mare, only for sale due to unfortunate change of circumstances. Would also consider full loan to the right home. Tack and rugs available.

She sounds smashin!!

 

[vennessa]

[ QUOTE ]
I would re-word at as follows;

Eyecatching 16.1hh 6 year old black Belgian Warmblood mare. Exceptionally well–bred – by Parco (Darco) out of a Ramiro Z mare. Thrives on work and competition, therefore would suit an experienced competition home to allow her to excel. Hacks out alone or in company, confident in traffic and sensible on the roads. Good to catch, load, shoe, clip, etc, and lives in or out. No vices. Has performed excellently at all competitions – won and placed in showing classes, placed in show jumping and dressage, has competed cross country and done cross country schooling.

A sweet mare, only for sale due to unfortunate change of circumstances. Would also consider full loan to the right home. Tack and rugs available.

She sounds smashin!!

[/ QUOTE ]
Well put

 

[dixie]

I think Amymay's reads much better.

Also I would say that I don't like the first photo. Have you got any of her jumping. The last head shot is stunning though and she sounds a lovely horse.

 

[Smash]

Like Amymay's version, but that 'has performed excellently' part grates on me and doesn't quite flow, but that's more personal taste than a major issue.
I would like to see a jumping photo, instead of the first picture.

 

[TheBlackMoth]

QR

Thanks for the help. We will change the text later tonight. She is a lovely horse - just want her to go to a good home but I take your point about the offers accepted and will remove it.