Honest breed marketing

DabDab

DabDab

Thinks the luddites had a point...
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Just for fun (because the forum feels tense) - honest marketing for your breed of dog...

Kelpies -
Ever wondered what a collie fed entirely on blue smarties would be like? Well I have the dog for you!



Do you ever feel like people pay too much attention to what you say? Then get yourself a Westie and your problems will be solved!



Jack Russells - the perfect partner for days when you wake up and feel the need to choose violence.


Feel free to add yours 😁
 
Are you clinically insane? Love being covered in bruises? Hate having any actual money/going on holiday/doing normal things? Don't want any friends? Enjoy hoovering and mopping every single damn day? Love finding hair in the fridge? Want to be regarded as the Crazy Neighbour? Fancy getting involved in very difficult, niche activities to occupy your pet so that it won't eat your furniture/you/every other dog in the locality? How about developing an encyclopedic knowledge of pedigrees and bloodlines so you can figure out WTF is wrong with THIS one?

Get a German Shepherd!
*cries*
 
CorvusCorax said:
The Final Boss of Honest Breed Marketing:

Just get a Labrador. I don't care. You're not listening. Just get an effing Labrador.
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gallopingby said:
Try an Italian Spinone, also known as an ‘a what dog’ as in what breed is that? They’re also excellent at rearranging the contents of your fridge, usually on the kitchen floor 😀
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Ever been in a dog park and forgotten which Labrador is yours? Get a Spinone.
 
Looking for a rare breed? The long haired Dalmatian ( also known as the English setter) could be the dog for you especially if you enjoy experimenting with the latest technology / tracking system able to locate over a wide area. This breed whilst loveable and loyal enjoys selective hearing and was bred to cover great distances using its highly developed senses.
 
Would you like a dog that crashes through undergrowth in hot pursuit of who knows what like a spaniel yet has the stubbornness, clingyness and utter disregard of any human instructions (& the the snoring) of a pug? Would you also like your dog to have an obscene amount of entitlement because they once read an article saying they were allowed in royal palaces? Try a Cavalier! It’s ok, when the heart failure starts you might be able to catch up with it as it sods off over the horizon having gone temporarily deaf… again! (What do you mean mine’s a weird genetic throwback & they’re not all like that?!)

Plus a few slightly savage bonus ones for fun…


Not fussed if any part of your dog actually functions? Enjoy Eau de malassezia whilst struggling to hear the TV over the sound of your dog breathing? Get a Frenchie!

Would you really like a hellhound but your flat just isn’t big enough? Do you wish to be owned and ruled over by a being possessed by a spirit of pure spite and hatred that weighs less than the average cat? Get a chihuahua!
 
Want to brush up on your sewing skills? Didn't really like that furniture anyway? Enjoy dog hairs in your food and all round your house? Thought you'd get a sporty dog, though you'd not quite planned for Tigger on steroids? Get an Australian shepherd puppy!
Whatch them bounce around your living room, using the sofas for parcours and the cushions as chew toys. If you're lucky they will never grow out of the high pitched, attention getting, bark. But they are cute, fluffy and loyal enough that you will regularly trip over them. They enjoy reading and watching TV with you, meaning you can't see much of either the book or the TV. They will also ensure you are clean by regularly licking any exposed skin.
If you are male, please take care, they have an uncanny ability of putting their paws exactly where they shouldn't.
 
Fancy a dog that looks grumpy as f*** with eyebrows and a beard that collects debris at every opportunity? That when you ask it to go outside in the rain gives you the evil side eye? That has no concept of personal space and follows you wherever you go especially to the loo? That operates it's own neighbourhood watch and vocally alerts you to every passing cat, person or pigeon....very loudly? That when doing so the "off" button no longer works? That invades territory like a Russian and claims the top of every sofa as its own whilst fulfilling its neighbourhood watch activities? If you do get a Miniature Schnauzer!
 
Want to look stupid every days of your life ? Want people to ask you if you are Colombo's wife ( old tv series so going on) ?

Want to explore hedges, usually backwards, having the whole neighbourourg's cats, running away when you arrive ?

Want to be thrown out of obedience class ? Want to make the trainer using clickers utterlly ridicoulus ?

Want to say to people, or yes, she is a hunting dog, she loves running around in the forest scenting only have her to flop down and refuse to move....

Do you want people to stop by, while you are walking asking if you need a lift ? If you want a dog that altought has enormous ears never listen to you but can
spot and hear a pray from a mile..

If you fancy tellling people that they have ( fouines) wild ferrets eating the cables under their bonnet of their car.

But if you fancy a wonderful, lovable, comical dog and have very big sens of houmour, get a Basset Hound or even two ! As hound, they go in pair, so you double the trouble ! 😍
 
Want 48+kg of dog curled up on your lap, want a dog that is your shadow even when you need the loo, want a dog that walks slowly in front of you, whilst looking back, to protect you from danger but making sure you are following incase back up is needed, want to Hoover vast quantities of hair every day and get through sacks of food at a rate of knots … but is a loyal companion you cannot imagine life without.
Get several Great Swiss Mountain dogs.😂
 
Want that big dog bark, but light on space? A guard dog that’s so insecure that anything that moves could be a threat? The tenacity and determination to be convinced they could take down animals three times their size? A dog that will track and search for fun, but only sometimes begrudgingly for what you want them going after? All in the most hilarious, charming (at least while home with their family), bearded package? Get a standard wirehaired dachshund! You’ll spend many a day trying to convince them they need to pee even though it’s raining, and get arthritic hands keeping them looking smart rather than like a scruff bag - all while fielding questions like “what’s that sausage crossed with?”


Cockers: For when a springer is too easy.
 
Cinnamontoast said:
When ours have wound us up (rare, because they’re super dogs, really) it’s ’Next time we’re getting a Yorkshire terrier’. Constant threat! 🤣
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I generally threaten to trade mine in for a poodle. Best said within dad's hearing because it sets him off; he has weird ideas about what constitutes a "manly" dog. (Please don't tell him that my small fluffy aussie in a bright pink harness is probably not the most "manly" of dogs, though now I come to think of it, he does prefer walking Monster to Liberty.)

PS: nothing against poodles, I just like winding my dad up
 
gallopingby said:
Looking for a rare breed? The long haired Dalmatian ( also known as the English setter) could be the dog for you especially if you enjoy experimenting with the latest technology / tracking system able to locate over a wide area. This breed whilst loveable and loyal enjoys selective hearing and was bred to cover great distances using its highly developed senses.
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The number of times mine get called long haired dalmatians!!

I was going to say - excellent re-call, if you're happy to wait until they have finished their important dog business. And you'll never be lonely again as you will have a companion every single place you go to...
 
Want a dog with the extraordinary powers of Jack Reacher's time keeping skills? Who's day runs to the minute of each mealtime.

Want a dog with the uncanny skill of knowing when it's the last five minutes of a TV show or film and that 'yes' they must go to the toilet now!

Want a dog that needs five minutes of rampaging around the garden like a demented hyena before bed?

Or perhaps a dog who insists that a whole double bed is theirs, giving little room for the actual occupant except for the very edge of said bed.

This is a breed who's loyal and lovable, who's not afraid of the side eye, large dogs, or male intruders.

Think it's for you?

Get a Bichon!
 
Want to spend thousands on a rare breed that looks like the cheapest, scruffiest mongrel? Want a dog that is on constant alert for things to kill or shout at? Want a dog that will jump to eye level just because you haven't acknowledged it's presence in the last 5 minutes? Want a dog that loves the whole entire world and assumes all of its jokes are hilarious - get an Irish Terrier!
 
blackcob said:
When you go for your routine blood tests and the nurse asks you if everything is ok at home. 😬
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Have to confess that I wrote the opening post hot off being flatten by an over-enthusiastic recall by Mr Kelp (he then merrily latched onto the rope pull in my hand while I was still on my ar5e)
 
Planning to do a full reno on your home in 2 years? Does your garden need a 'Battle of the Somme' vibe? Will the cuteness of a puppy that resembles nothing more than a pyjama case and who will lull you into complacency by being a loving, intelligent angel who soaks up training like a sponge for the first 6 months appeal? Are you stubborn enough to grit your teeth- expanding your vocabulary while swearing a lot, really A LOT - when adolescent @rseholery hits and all that training goes out the window, every request is met by backchat and they do all their teething on your abode? Behaviour generally improves within 6 - 8 months (if you are very persistent and lucky)
Can you cope with looks of horror and the fact that some parents feel that their children are safer on the carriageway of the main road rather than pass your on lead dog on the pavement? Do you need to save on winter heating bills with a 40kg+ lap dog - you'll just sweat this time of year though...
Have you got a sense of humour, you'll need it as you'll have a dog that goes from grown up and serious to clowny pup in a flash and back again and can you appreciate resistance training and balance work (for you) as you'll be leaned on at very regular intervals ;)
As they get older, especially the bitches IME, you'll eventually realise that they have trained their person to perfection, using only R+ and that not only will you do their bidding, you'll be thrilled to do so.

Get a Rottweiler.
 
Cinnamontoast said:
Want to stand round looking really dodgy in the park whilst holding 2 leads and no dogs in sight because you have spaniels and they're ploughing through (rather than round) the undergrowth? Want to appal the children in the kiddie park as your dog retrieves an unasked for pigeon? Get a springer!
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Ours retrieved the next door neighbours’ Yorkie, was the only time the bl00dy little thing stopped yapping!
And our friend’s ESS retrieved a bloke’s model airplane when he landed it in the same field as she was training in 🤣
 
Rumtytum said:
Ours retrieved the next door neighbours’ Yorkie, was the only time the bl00dy little thing stopped yapping!
And our friend’s ESS retrieved a bloke’s model airplane when he landed it in the same field as she was training in 🤣
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Brig, original big dog, absolutely loved remote control cars. There was a bloke with one who seemed to constantly be in the big field with one when we took him out. Gave Brig excellent exercise! 😱🤣
 
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