Honest but funny sales ad

[rachk89]

So if you were hypothetically going to sell your horse what do you think the ad would say if you were honest? We all know we would probably leave a horses bad habits off but I saw an ad recently that was actually quite honest and thought "what would I put for my horse"? Thought this would be a bit of fun as I can imagine some 'ads' will be funny.

Here is my horse's ad:

16.2hh (for now) 7 year old muddy grey gelding. Oldenburg X Connemara.

Very uphill horse, movement that without having a 6 pack will give you a stitch and throw you out of the saddle. This powerful movement will be good for dressage if you can sit to his trot without dislocating your hips. Can jump but not well and will sometimes give a good jump other times will leap frog over it again throwing you out of the saddle. Only rears or bucks with men on occasion. Frightened of small dogs and cats. Good to hack although if he sees a line of fallen trees you may find yourself in cross country mode quickly as he will want to jump them. Not good to shoe, bath, clip or lunge and can be led but best not with another horse. He 'spooks' but it is more a look of fear or a slight increase in pace nothing more.

Suitable for even people needing some confidence though as he is a kind horse when ridden just no ground manners to speak of.


So what would you put for your horse/s?

 

[Cowpony]

14.2 Welsh x KWPN mare, 13 years old. Breeding means she is extremely difficult to fit a saddle to, so expect to ride in discomfort yourself if you manage to find one that fits her.

Mainly white coloured mud-magnet, so don't enter any showing in winter. Or spring. Or a wet summer. Looks fantastic when clean in the summer - her coat glows like a Persil advert.

Lovely forward ride when she feels like it. A very keen jumper, rarely has a pole, but you do need to keep her firmly between hand and leg if you want any control. Loves xc, but look out if the course designer has put straw bales under any of the jumps, she believes they are about to eat her. Will do a nice dressage test, although she doesn't really see the point, has won a few unaffiliated, just moved up to novice.

Good to box, shoe, for vet and dentist. Note the absence of any comment about catching. Usually OK but an absolute pain in the derriere when the spring grass comes through.

Polite and well mannered, not a nasty bone in her body, and I love her to bits! :angel:

 

[hibshobby]

Not for my horse, but the best I've ever seen was a genuine ad a few years ago. Along the lines of ..
"Hunter for sale - bay gelding, lovely ride, stays all day, never strong or silly, jumps anything asked with manners to die for when out. Complete and utter **stard in the stable. Hence price."
I can imagine the groom smiling when writing the advert !

 

[Deltaflyer]

15.1 very pretty registered ISH rising 8 with bags of character. Mostly Connemara with just enough cob to give him a mahoosive moustache and hairy legs. Registered as a skewbald but is actually grey and white which means in a few years time he'll be all white. The plus side, he does seem to keep himself very clean (Maybe that's my obsessive grooming!)

Can be sharp as a knife or a lazy little git depending on his mood. Loves jumping and X-Country and does a nice dressage test. Lovely uphill canter and very comfortable in trot. Has been placed in showing and WH classes. Prefers bombing about to schooling sensibly but has been known to actually knuckle down and produce some stunning flat work.

Exceptionally kind nature and superb temperament. Not a bad bone in his body. Loves being groomed and will show you the extra itchy bits that need scratching.

Lives on fresh air so cheap to feed. In fact, he tends to get a little bit podgy when the grass comes through so loads of opportunity to ride to keep his weight down.

Good to load and travel in trailer or lorry, easy to clip, don't even need to tie him up, in fact, he loves being clipped. Excellent for farrier and will stand to be brushed by screechy four year old little girls with pink brushes!

 

[Merrymoles]

Worried 15.2 cob who thinks the world is out to get him most of the time. Bites occasionally when not reminded of his manners and makes horrid faces but sometimes has a moment of complete affection for his owner. Good for farrier and to load but complete git to clip or even groom the bits he doesn't like.

Spends his life on his forehand, can be very forward going, prefers to trot at about 100 miles an hour. However, does love to please, is good at lateral work if his brain is engaged and will take on new challenges and "scary" things if introduced gradually. Prefers hacking but does work in the school when he has to.

Good doer who could live out permanently (and has done) but loves his stable and spends every night lying down and packing his wood pellets into ridges. Stays pretty clean for a largely white coloured.

Loves builders.

 

[Crugeran Celt]

Extremely handsome 15.1hh bay 14 year Welsh sect d gelding, just as well he looks good because that's all he has got going fof him. Open to offers or I could pay you to take him off my hands.

 

[Fools Motto]

15 hands if she hears the hunting horn, 14.2 if she is bored stiff, dark brown mare with white flecks in her coat making her look greasy. Celebrated her 20th birthday yesterday, currently looks it, but ride ride her and you'll think she is 5. Loves to jump, true confidence giver, long as there are no mole hills or random mouldy straw bales for example near by - monsters didn't you know?? Can go very nicely on the flat, but you need to be fit, with good leg muscles to get the best out of her, or you won't move. At all. Hacks alone well, fab with all traffic, spooks at random flowers, leaves or drain covers and good in company but this can cause dancing and prancing.. (see ref hunting). Good to lunge. Very fussy eater. Good to load (but not unload!) clip and worm. Hates vets. Will threaten to exterminate them. Doesn't tie up, and can be rude with the farrier. Bribe with polos. Has been known to buck when stabled, kick and lean on stable walls. For that reason, and the safety of the stable, currently lives out. Always good to catch.

 

[Mrs G]

Very handsome, athletic 9yr old TB gelding. Excellent competition prospect (if you can survive the warm up and stay in the saddle). Active hind leg (bucks), big-moving (leaps). Sensitive to your aids (tap him with a crop and he'll send you flying). Established high school movements including levade and capriole (whether you want them or not). Lives in or out (as long as he's got PLENTY to eat, and it's not raining, or too muddy, or too cold, or too hot, or there's lots of flies). Loads himself (even into complete strangers trailers/boxes if they leave the ramp down). Good to hack (surprisingly), good to lunge (after the first 20mins of bronking), good to shoe (but don't bother because he'll pull them off in a couple of days), good to clip (apart from near his ears or flanks or chest or girth). Priceless.

 

[Ben2684]

16.2 ISH flea bitten grey, so don't have any hope of him looking anything other than beige September to May as likes mud and sleeps with his poo as a pillow.

Good to do in all ways, honest and friendly. A nice person. stands like a dream for the farrier, bizarrely enjoys being clipped and loads perfectly. No real quirks at all-yard favourite Can be lazy but can also go from standstill to warp speed as it suits, this is not necessarily when it suits you. Bombproof in heavy traffic, has been ridden regularly on busy roads and kept near an airport so used to loud noises and planes etc.

Terrified of the things that you would not expect (logs/rocks/bushes/rubbish all have teeth you know!!) but never does anything too drastic.

Enjoys flatwork, loves jumping, has been teaching nervous wimpy rider for the last two years to actually ride and not just be a passenger.

Will do ANYTHING for a carrot/bit of Apple/mint. serious horse in a million

Price: deoends on how well he has behaved in the lesson/out riding on that day, some days 10,000 would be a bargain, other days, I'd pay you you to take him!!

 

[ShadowHunter]

14.2hh 8 yo tri-coloured Irish cob mare. Very pretty head with the backend the size of a barge. Hacks alone, great in traffic however other animals are to be avoided like the plague; dogs are fine. Can trot faster than a train; very downhill in canter. Nappy b*gger when stabled, even just over night. Can jump but has perfected the game of dodge the jump. Generally lazy in the school. Good to handle on the ground however will tank whenever she feels like it. Type of horse to take a mile if given an inch. Brilliant to clip, farrier, travel etc. Good Luck!

 

[AdorableAlice]

Tricky to break

Bombproof with blow up dolls, a type hard to find.

 

[zaminda]

Mercifully only 13.2 grey arab mare. Thinks humans are for walking over if they don't set boundaries. Usually good to catch, when she feels like it, awful when she doesn't. Loves her current farrier, but has taken against some in the past. Dislikes the clippers intensely. Loads beautifully, in fact if she doesn't check the vehicle is safe.
Fab to ride, but only ever been ridden by me, and doesn't like strangers much. Will jump whatever you ask her to, but is fragile, so best to not do much. Has a preference for galloping over all else. Known as scruffy grey pony, or cross patch depending on her mood. Far too much like her owner.

 

[Hanson]

15'3, well was when younger. Absolute barsteward to ride, even now at 23 when he feels like a 'slinky' going down hill, with the added spook...and trip due to age adding a whole new terror to ridden exercise.

100% shoe, catch and load as this requires no effort on his part. Adores being fussed, especially by vet (expensively, no half measures, should have been on the stage).

 

[cobsandbassets]

14.3 traditional 8yo skewbald cob mare. Looks filthy and uncared for except in very dry weather due to excess of white bits and liking for mud. Never mareish but contrary in so many other ways. Looks like a plod but that's an act. Totally awful to clip and rude with farrier but loads like a dream to owner's astonishment. Bought by middle aged lady to take her sedately into retirement. Pah!

 

[Catherine94]

17hh Cleveland Bay mare. Occasionally likes a cuddle, but will spend most of her time pulling faces at you from across the yard. Barges through gateways and drags who ever is leading her where ever she goes. Only does things that she wants to. Any attempt to persuade her otherwise will be met with planting, reversing and stomping of the feet.

3 lovely paces, but you have no say at what pace/speed you move at, thats always up to her. Perfect in traffic including lorries and tractors, but terrified of drains, her own shadow, white flowers and many other inanimate objects that she encounters on a daily basis. Bold, scopey jump, but sometimes decides at the last minute that you should test the jump without her before she goes over it.

Brilliant with vet/farrier/clippers but will have you chasing after her for hours at bring in time if she feels like it and will choose the worst possible times do decide she doesn't like the trailer.

Very opinionated, but loads of talent and provides plenty of laughs

(I love her really )

 

[BBP]

Stunning but uninsurable and mentally unstable Andalusian x. 14hh, too hot and unpredictable for children to ride, fine for highly competent adult as long as you don't mind if you live or die...he won't tell you which of these will happen til the furthest point from home but you'll be glad he's small when he's having an episode. Suit someone who enjoys flying kites rather than leading ponies due to aerial tendencies. Legs like a stick insect. Falls over a lot, no sense of self preservation.

Would suit equally mentally unstable individual to continue his trick training. He shows a great talent for this which is just as well because he is too ridiculous to reliably do any grown up activities. Very intelligent and highly trainable if you want a pony that chases sticks and plays football, not so much if you want one you can hack out on. Probably smarter than you are.

But he's pretty. So there's that.

(Just as well I'm never going to sell him, even if that means giving up riding, he's the most fun person I know and my best mate).

 

[laura_nash]

14.3 piebald gelding. Built like a tank, pretty head, almost no neck. Loves food and anything that involves standing still. Will do anything for food, so perfect to load, clip, shoe, catch, travel etc. Lives on fresh air - too well, you will need a muzzle! Goes barefoot if you keep him off the spring grass. Adores fuss, cuddles, scratches, having his legs washed, will lower his head for trimming. Has been bargy, food aggressive and rude in the past. Can now be led by a four year old (under supervision) but will revert with regular novice handling.

Lives happily in or out, very friendly and well-socialised and can be turned out with anything providing there is enough to eat, but becomes mad bully if not enough food. Only been lame once in 7 years, has ROA which is only non-routine contact with vet in that time. Hacks out alone or in company, perfect in any traffic. Very brave, doesn't spook at static objects and totally fearless with dogs, but doesn't like noises he can't see the source of. Usually well behaved but has been known to get into a race with faster horses, not be able to stop in time and run head first into a fence. Totally lazy, can go well in the school but will have a tantrum first to make sure you are serious. This can involve bucking, but not very un-seating ones. Prefers to slop along with the rider going red in the face. Will not jump anything that falls down if you hit it.

 

[gothdolly]

4 year old Piebald cob, 13.3hh at withers, 14.1hh at croup. One wall eye. Pigeon toe-ed and cow hocked. Walks all over owner given half the chance. 3 solid paces (walk, trot and flat out gallop). Unable to bend at all. Bombproof as he is only interested in things that are edible. Capable of supreme loveliness and affection!

 

[flirtygerty]

16 2 WB mare, very pretty dappled bay, built like a tank, needs reminded of stable manners, or you get squashed, unflappable under saddle, a plod till you find her GO button, then watch her go, loves the sound of hounds or horn, falls easily in love and not even a rope round her nose will stop her tanking off back to her pretty boy, gloves reccomended, needs tying up for grooming etc or she just walks off, now in her 20's unlikely to change

 

[KittenInTheTree]

Seller has lost the will to draft an advert due to one too many bitter past experiences of being mucked about whilst selling, and has decided to keep the horse after all.

 

[Lintel]

8 year old Highland gelding.
Sometimes a novice ride- dependant on mood.
Needs an experienced rider- dependant on mood and place
Very much traffic proof.. Not monster on hedge proof - dependant on mood.
Well schooled - when in the mood.
Is a jumping machine- when in the mood.
Very lazy and green- when not in the mood.
Has a monster buck- when in an excitable/annoyed mood.
Loves a snog about the face - try to wash it on the other hand you'll be visiting A&E.
Needs weight management- and regular new haynets as he tears them all open. - Will go to the ends of the earth for a treat.
Leans on the farrier, walks away from the vet, travels like there's an elephant in the trailer(though always remains in same place), would be hell on earth to clip due to volume of hair.


But who would I be kidding... He was supposed to be sold a long time along and has been threatened to be sold more times than I could count.
But I'll never be able sell my big lump of labrador style pony. I love him too much!

 

[Lintel]

Stunning but uninsurable and mentally unstable Andalusian x. 14hh, too hot and unpredictable for children to ride, fine for highly competent adult as long as you don't mind if you live or die...he won't tell you which of these will happen til the furthest point from home but you'll be glad he's small when he's having an episode. Suit someone who enjoys flying kites rather than leading ponies due to aerial tendencies. Legs like a stick insect. Falls over a lot, no sense of self preservation.

Would suit equally mentally unstable individual to continue his trick training. He shows a great talent for this which is just as well because he is too ridiculous to reliably do any grown up activities. Very intelligent and highly trainable if you want a pony that chases sticks and plays football, not so much if you want one you can hack out on. Probably smarter than you are.

But he's pretty. So there's that.

(Just as well I'm never going to sell him, even if that means giving up riding, he's the most fun person I know and my best mate).

Haha.
He sounds like me... Now what if our horses described us.

 

[gothdolly]

Haha.
He sounds like me... Now what if our horses described us.

I was just thinking "thank God that Shadow is not trying to condition score ME on a public forum!"

 

[Pocketr@cket]

Extremely handsome 15.1hh bay 14 year Welsh sect d gelding, just as well he looks good because that's all he has got going fof him. Open to offers or I could pay you to take him off my hands.

I must have his mother/sister/daughter

 

[LadyGascoyne]

Chestnut Thoroughbred mare for sale.

Would make a lovely handbag.

 

[sunnyone]

My first horse.
Bay IDx 15h 1 mare. Was easy to break at home, and would allow anybody who was a novice or competent to ride her. Half competents dumped within 100 yards.
Awful to catch if not suppertime. Knew all the tricks and would use them. Never plan on a quick ride. Taught me patience though as she was never allowed to win.
Liked water in rivers,sea etc, just not in puddles.
Had a super jump, including 5 foot hedges when cattle were in view. Calf minding a speciality.
Would go all day, do 30 miles or more and still be cantering up hill.
Proven security tester, you'd left it loose or unlocked. She'd find the weakness and show you.
Would not be stolen as would not go through a gate with people she did not recognise.(Assuming they'd got her there in the first place).
Good with farrier unless at competition and shoeing judge just yanks at her leg!
100% traffic including trains and city centres. Excellent to load and travel.
The most fun you could ever want from 1 horse.
Price paid £85. Never sold on.

 

[C1airey]

Half price if you can catch him.

All yours if you can actually hang on to him.

 

[Toffee44]

14.1 and 3/4hh welsh x Hackney 14yo mare.

Green in the school due to owners laziness but can be chucked over jumps with lots of enthusiasm. Loves hacking alone or in company, good in traffic. Safe bombproof hack until you come across a puddle at speed and expect a 6ft jump to the left or right or over (no warning it makes a fun guess). Fun forward going hack in competent hands, if your a nervous novice chances are she will leave you for dead. She just knows. No joy riders who haven't a clue I don't want a call an ambulance.


Good with farrier (cold shoe only), hit and miss when loading but if you tell her to "stop being a ****" (those words exactly) she goes in and sulks.
Good doer lives in or out.
Ready to go, up to date with shoes, worm and vet.

Only takes 2 years to form an amazing bond and she stops rearing and stressing after that.

 

[turnbuckle]

16.1 ISH, 8YO, Cruising lines, TB type.

3 fantastic paces, scopey jump (has been likened to a Harrier jump-jet).

Wasted in present home, would happily turn his hoof to eventing/SJ/dressage (provided you ask him tactfully and keep him amused).

Hunts in a snaffle, has looked after timid middle-aged rider, although that includes looking concerned while said rider heads off to A&E.

Fantastic with machinery, cars, helicopters and stock. (Provided stock is well-behaved and gives advance warning that it's round the corner). Humans on foot...now they want worrying about.

Lives in or out, good do-er. No need to worry about haylage quality, he'll eat it.

Lovely to handle, great sense of craic which only rarely includes a playful nip.

Brilliant to catch. Ditto to shoe if he likes the farrier. Loading? He'll either load himself or you can count on a good hour and raised blood pressure on both sides. Will clip without sedation if you're brave. A pig to nurse.

Overall, a special horse. VERY special, sometimes.........

 

[windand rain]

12.2hh registered dartmoor Shines like patent leather suffers from laminitis on average every 5 years, delightful to handle on the ground once caught up and tied tightly to a very strong post. Loves children but cannot eat a whole one. Excellent at throwing with his teeth does a fine line in picking anyone under 5ft tall up and throwing them over the nearest fence. Bites kicks and is a superb rodeo pony for the adventurous rider. High expectations of great dressage scores with the potential to go to grand prix as he has the most amazing paces when you can get him to move forwards at all. Jumps are a total puzzle to him he is certain they are there to eat.
Good points you can keep him in a field with a bit of thread he is terrified of electric tape He gives great kisses if you fuss him for several hours first and he is very pretty. Must be sold to a great 5 star home as will teach any child to ride or die in the process

Just as well I love him but he isnt going from me alive I could never forgive myself if he hurt someone else