Horse related personal issue- advice?

[clevergirl]

So I bought some land, and a friend of mine was very keen to move his horse off the livery yard we met at. I thought "great, my horse will have a friend and I won't have to buy him a pony!" so we worked out a small fee for me to do AM feeding and kind of treat it like an assisted livery situation. Shame on me for not thinking more about the "side effects" of not being mentally prepared to run what's basically a livery with a friend as a client.

I didn't realize how emotionally draining it would be to have people at my house every day, and also his horse is rude, disruptive and a bit of a pain to deal with. I go through nearly 2 bales of hay per day (of which my horse eats like 25%; other horse is already overweight and shouldn't be eating 1.5 bales per day in addition to grazing IMHO), along with a barrage of "ideas" to build stuff for the horses on my land that I'm actually not too keen on- I would like to get more of my own horses in the future and preserve some of my existing grazing for when that day comes, not building more outdoor feeders and hard standing and an arena. The horse's owner is super nice though and I value him as a friend, which makes it tricky.

The ultimate passive aggressive move would be to just push back building the stable block and arena until he gets tired of riding in an unlit field... I would like to be more direct, but I'm SO bad at confrontation and struggling to find a way to preserve our friendship but also keep my little dream farm to myself a bit more before I get too resentful. Any ideas?

 

[be positive]

It is difficult and whatever you do may mean the friendship becomes strained or worse but it is your land and home so you should feel comfortable not resentful of his presence, as for what to do you must do something before it becomes a real strain on the friendship and you will become more resentful as time goes on.
I think the best thing would be to sit down over a drink/ coffee and put it simply, say you want to buy another and use the land for your own without having a livery, you can give him a decent notice period and see what he says, if he is offended you may lose his friendship, if he is a true friend he will understand and realise it is time to move on, either way you will make it clear as subtle hints will probably be ignored and add to your current issues with him, while you wait for him to move on make sure he pays for the hay even if the horse doesn't need it unless you split them up then he has to pay his way, charging a proper rate may be another way to push him out, you could say you have totaled up the costs and realised you are losing money so have to cut back/ put the price up.

 

[MagicMelon]

Can't you just say you can't afford to build anything else right now and pretend that yes eventually you might be able to, unless you're rich in which case that wont work... but you could just say that long term you'd like to buy more horses so you're not sure if you can spare the land for an arena etc. right now. With regards to the hay, do the horses come in at night? If so, do they really need the hay during the day (if your horse is barely eating it and the other one is fat then probably not?), if not then just dont give hay during day and just give equal haynets at night in stables? I guess you have to work out if you'll get used to having him about, it would be handy to have someone to hack out with? And potentially do your horse if you go on holiday? Weigh up the good and bad things? I think its hard if you've only just moved there as effectively he's given up his livery space and had to stress his horse out moving it etc. I'd only be a bit bummed that I'd then have to move my horse again.

 

[Greylegs]

How close a "friend" is your friend? ... if you know what I mean? If he's a partner/boyfriend (or has the potential to be), then you need to work together as partners to resolve this. If he's just someone you met at your old yard, then you really have to put your brave pants on and tell him you're unhappy with things as they stand and could you have a meaningful chat about how things are managed. Tell him you're not about to start building anything just yet (regardless of whether you can afford it or not) as you want to see how things settle down. Point out that you are not a livery yard, just a friend with a field who's actually doing him a huge favour. If he wants better facilities such as an arena, he needs to move back to a more formal arrangement with a livery yard which has them.

Not an easy situation.

 

[Lizzie66]

Can't you just say you can't afford to build anything else right now and pretend that yes eventually you might be able to, unless you're rich in which case that wont work... but you could just say that long term you'd like to buy more horses so you're not sure if you can spare the land for an arena etc. right now. With regards to the hay, do the horses come in at night? If so, do they really need the hay during the day (if your horse is barely eating it and the other one is fat then probably not?), if not then just dont give hay during day and just give equal haynets at night in stables? I guess you have to work out if you'll get used to having him about, it would be handy to have someone to hack out with? And potentially do your horse if you go on holiday? Weigh up the good and bad things? I think its hard if you've only just moved there as effectively he's given up his livery space and had to stress his horse out moving it etc. I'd only be a bit bummed that I'd then have to move my horse again.

This sounds like good advice, as being totally on your own can get lonely.

List the good and the bad, then list what can be done to improve the bad.

Hay situation then as per MM or failing that put so many aside for the week, double net his horses hay to slow it down
Barging horse then teach it some manners with you, they soon learn
Someone at the house all the time, then start to meet him on the yard and then make it clear which evenings/days you are happy to socialise afterwards and which that you are going to be doing something else when you have finished.(ie going shopping, having a bit of me time, whatever).
When he suggests things for your land say that's something to consider for the future, hopefully he will forget.

You were friendly enough with this person to be happy for them to come with you so you just need to get some boundaries established.

 

[Limbo1]

It is definitely had to share your land and space with another person. I have a livery and it took time to get used to it. She is usually fine and has become a friend but there is always tension. Hay is always the issue!! She like to give adlib hay in the winter but I have ponies as well as a horse. This means either I have to separate mine, they get fat etc. Last winter we muddled through with hay at night (they live out) with the ponies in another field then all together during day so ponies did not get as long to eat.

My livery often makes suggestions for things, I know she wants another field shelter and some other things! If it is easy like replacing fencing wire with tape I say lets do it together or "feel free to do it". If it is big I usually plead poverty.

ON balance I like having someone around and it works well for holidays etc. Try it a bit longer but don't be a pushover.

 

[dixie]

You need to either set boundaries or get rid. You need to put your foot down about building various things unless YOU want them, unless he's going to put his hand in his pocket - and there are potentially planning issues anyway.

If you decide he needs to go then you could say that there are issues with insurance and rates.

 

[Goldenstar]

Be bold ,
Just tell him , we are friends I value your friendship but I find I need to have my home to myself .
Then be prepared to offer him time to find a place at a difficult time of year .
I always find excuses and half lies just make for people trying to negotiate.
Honesty straight and Unvarnished gets a better result .

 

[AmyMay]

Be bold ,
Just tell him , we are friends I value your friendship but I find I need to have my home to myself .
Then be prepared to offer him time to find a place at a difficult time of year .
I always find excuses and half lies just make for people trying to negotiate.
Honesty straight and Unvarnished gets a better result .

I absolutely agree.

 

[GirlFriday]

Alternatively, and I'm usually one for being bold but do recognise it doesn't suit everyone...

Are you paying income tax/do you have change of use to run the land as a business/pay business rates/etc?

If not then you're probably breaking a few laws and you could always 'find this out' and 'be forced to give notice' as it isn't practical for you to turn it into an official enterprise?

That may be both true and useful but also not at all personal?

 

[Clodagh]

Alternatively, and I'm usually one for being bold but do recognise it doesn't suit everyone...

Are you paying income tax/do you have change of use to run the land as a business/pay business rates/etc?

If not then you're probably breaking a few laws and you could always 'find this out' and 'be forced to give notice' as it isn't practical for you to turn it into an official enterprise?

That may be both true and useful but also not at all personal?

That is a good idea. Also, you really are not covered by insurance so if his horse tramples you and breaks something you cannot claim anything. I would do that. I fell out with my friend who I had here as a livery, although we have sort of made up we are not the same.

 

[Wagtail]

Alternatively, and I'm usually one for being bold but do recognise it doesn't suit everyone...

Are you paying income tax/do you have change of use to run the land as a business/pay business rates/etc?

If not then you're probably breaking a few laws and you could always 'find this out' and 'be forced to give notice' as it isn't practical for you to turn it into an official enterprise?

That may be both true and useful but also not at all personal?

This is a really good idea. By law you should be assessed for business rates. Say you had someone call round from the council. This happens frequently. When I first moved here, even before I had taken on liveries I got an unannounced visit. I had to think on my feet and tell them how many stables were for my own personal use and how many I intended to use for potential liveries. Also, my arena was assessed and actually works out far higher rateable value than all of my stables! Tack rooms, rest rooms, any rooms or spaces that would be used by clients are assessed too.

 

[millikins]

I sympathise but agree with the advice you need to be up front and honest, and be prepared to lose a friend. I've recently had a similar experience, invited a friend to share my rented yard, not allowed to sub let so only asked for small payment, then they bought daughter a pony we were selling so ended up with a lazy, sulky teenager too. Opportunity to buy yard came up and despite hints, formal discussions etc it just wasn't working and I asked them to go, I used the excuse that we wanted the space to buy a project, but it's just lovely having the place for my daughter and me.