horses and OH's

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impresario08

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I am currently on a break from horses due to personal circumstances but am thinking of getting back into them as there is a big gap in my life. However I've received a surprisingly negative response from my boyfriend telling me to remember what I gave them up in the first place…! Has anyone been in a similar situation?
 
Afraid not any help as I have an amazingly supportive bf. I've always told him horses was here before him and will be here a long time after, he appreciates that but also has a soft spot for them so enjoys being around them. I never really 'get' why peoples OH's would try and stop them having horses, apart from if it was financial reasons. A relationship without individual hobbies IMO can't be a healthy one. If you want and can afford a horse, get the horse! If he cares about you that much he will support you and want you to be happy.
 
I haven't, but maybe he's got a point if it was a serious issue that made you give them up. Without knowing what made you give them up it's hard to say (that's not fishing for info, just saying it's hard to assess the situation). Only you know if it's genuine concern rather than him enjoying having you round more without them and therefore being selfish.

How big a part of your life were they before? If you owned one or more would looking for a share be a good compromise? Both financially and time-wise it would be less demanding if that's what the problem was.

Listen to his concerns of course, and if they're coming from a good place, make sure you're better equipped to deal with horses again, but ultimately it's your decision.
 
my DH is the one who encourages me to keep going when I feel down. He's persuaded me not to sell my youngster recently but to keep going with him back him and enjoy him for the rest of his life.
 
My husband has NO interest in horses, but he accepts that they make me really happy so just goes along with it all. I think some people just have non negotiables in their lives, and horse people are like that. if any of my boyfriends had voiced strong disapproval for my hobby, then i'd have to say they'd be out the door. Horses last a lot longer than most boyfriends do! My poor hubby has just been ground down to accept the fact there's always gonna be horses around, and that i'l always be spending a lot of time with them.
 
Why did you give them up in the first place?

I couldn't be with someone who was so against my hobby.

The only time there has ever been any kind of query over it is with my current horse. She is a bit of a handful and we intend on adding to our family in the next couple of years he has said he wouldn't be happy for me to be riding her whilst pregnant - fair enough. My step daughter is really getting into riding now and I do wonder if I should consider selling/loaning my girl and looking for something more suitable for kids to be around.
 
I had a horse when I first met my husband but then had to sell him for various reasons. I kept riding, having a couple of shares etc. A few years ago I bought my own again and to be honest, it never even crossed my mind to ask if my husband minded! I pay for her with my own money, she lives out and doesn't take up excessive amounts of my time (I only very rarely compete) so why would it be up to him whether I bought one or not?

Remember, if it doesn't work out (with the horse!), you can always sell up again.
 
My ex was incredibly unsupportive - would have tantrums about me riding, took the mick out of it, refused to be involved, got jealous (!) of the horse, 'banned' me from coming to his house if I'd been near a horse (as in chucking feed over the door on my way to his - as I moved to ride a horse closer to his house, so I could still fit in a full time job, a horse, friends and him...). It came down to 'it's me or the horse' and he really didn't like the answer.

Current OH is amazing, I couldn't ask for anyone better. It makes so much of a difference - having someone that close to you being negative/outwardly despondent can be really energy-sucking and will always be a sore point (in my experience). I'd never pick a boy over a horse again - I don't believe you should sacrifice something you love for someone - and if they expect that, then they don't deserve you.

Maybe have a chat with your OH about what he's worried about, and be honest about all of it. Was he supportive when you had horses before?
 
I had a break and in that time I met my current partner so he knew I was horsey but I didn't own or even ride at the time he met me. When I talked about buying my own again his only concern was financial really from my point of view, as long as I could afford it it was up to me, but he did keep saying "why don't you just ride someone elses!" I obviously have my own again now for the past 6 months and he likes that I have a hobby of my own so we're not in each others pockets and am independant.

It all depends on why you gave up before, sit down and do some serious number crunching if it was financial - although it's imperative to do that anyway! :)
 
My husband says he hates horses. He says I should sell them and buy a quad bike, erm no. However I often catch him feeding them or patting them and recently when I had a little disagreement with my chestnut mare and seriously considered parting with her he said don't as he liked her and she wasn't any bother!

It depends on many factors but really it isn't his choice, it is yours. If you don't want the full time commitment of a horse why not have lessons or get a share horse and see how you feel from there.
 
my OH is far from supportive and hates that i would rather spend a day off work at the horses than with him but he knows if it came down to choosing i wouldnt choose him.
i guess in your posistion it depends why you gave up but ill bet a huge portion of us on here have given up for various reasons at some point in our lives
 
impresario08 said:
I am currently on a break from horses due to personal circumstances but am thinking of getting back into them as there is a big gap in my life. However I've received a surprisingly negative response from my boyfriend telling me to remember what I gave them up in the first place…! Has anyone been in a similar situation?
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MY horse came before my boyfriend now hubby. Not much help except my life my choice - you cannot let a man come between your dreams and his demanding.
 
I had a boyfriend who was negative about horses. He did not like that it took time away from me and him, he did not like my friends either and I suspect for the same reason. I ignored him and did what I wanted but previous posters are right it does sap your energy to be around such negativity. It was always difficult because if he wanted to go out I was expected to fit the horse around what he wanted to do. He would never help out if I was ill. My current OH does not like pets in general but likes my horses now he has got to know them. He even said I can have a cat or dog if I want which is a bigger deal because it is in the house. He helps with my horses, rides a little and asks after them. He said if one day I got run over and died he would keep them because they would remind him of me and because he likes the old one a lot. He worries about if there is too much expense or if I get injured by a horse but that never translates into pressure to sell up. I would not have another boyfriend who was negative about horse ownership because it is a horrible experience to live with them. I would talk with yours more OP and find out if he has horse jealousy or not.
 
My OH isn't exactly supportive of my mare. I think he sees her as a waste of money and that I was much better off when i was riding a friends.

On the other hand he knows if it was my horse or him I'd choose the horse. Not because I don't love him but because I don't see why I should have to choose between them.

As the years have gone on he's getting better...
 
It depends why you gave them up, your OH could well be right but it's impossible to say without knowing the reasons. It's ok if you don't want to divulge, but I'm not going to criticise him when I don't know the story.
 
My husband comes from a completely non-horsey background, but did take up riding a few years back, just so he could come with me- although he came off my old horse at full gallop and now is convinced they're dangerous. That said, he does sometimes say things like 'I wish I could ride better'. To be honest, he's just a bloke and not that into it.

He does like that I have a hobby that gets me out doing something, but he doesn't like that it becomes a bit 'all consuming' i.e. out at comps weekends etc. We just have a deal that if he feels its becoming a bit much, he says so, and I back off a little. Its about compromise. I wouldn't ever give them up for him, but he is a part of my life too, therefore room has to made for him.

He also isn't keen on the cost! But i tend to keep that quiet from him ;)
 
My ex (farmer!) hated horses, however I did catch him patting the big orange one, and before I passed my test (if nobody else available) he would tow the trailer and take pictures at shows etc. he wouldn't come to the yard and hang around etc he would rather sit in the car but he didn't begrudge me having them - he did just like to whinge about horses in general and how they wasted grazing and didn't pay road tax etc but he knew what would happen if he spoke against mine. He did come to the farm when I nearly lost my little one to colic - he was useless though as he nearly passed out when the vet gave her a nosebleed...
The one I'm sort of seeing (complicated as also has been my best friend forever!!!) is fab, never been horsey but farmers boy, was scared stiff of them to start with but will lead mine to the field, or my friends, help carrying tack, make his feed up, help at shows and gets on really well with the other people at the yard so will come socialising at the pub after shows. And will call me to ask how I've got on at shows etc when he's not around - the support makes a huge amount of difference, like I said the last one would tolerate the horses but wasn't that supportive, whereas new one is actually helpful!
 
Firefly9410 said:
. My current OH does not like pets in general but likes my horses now he has got to know them. He even said I can have a cat or dog if I want which is a bigger deal because it is in the house. He helps with my horses, rides a little and asks after them. He said if one day I got run over and died he would keep them because they would remind him of me and because he likes the old one a lot. .
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This is so touching. It is clear that your current OH adores you - so much so that he is prepared to accept a lifestyle that he would not have chosen himself, for you. That is really lovely.
 
My partner (farmer) is very supportive. Never comments the amount of time I spend doing my horsey stuff. He works alot and I keep myself busy doing my own thing - it works well. I couldn't imagine being with someone who wasn't supportive of any hobby I did. I think its important in a relationship.
 
My OH has taken to mucking out once a week to give me a break, I'm on DiY yard, it's better than flowers or chocs, just to ride, groom and potter without being on full speed is bliss, he was totally non horsey, he's also askes my show jump trainer to teach him the spacing for some of the grids/exercises I do, so he can replicate for me, he appreciates how happy horses make me and is so supportive and encouraging and actually getting quite knowledgeable lol
 
I met my husband 15 years ago and could not have got myself a bigger townie if I had tried, but he was an animal lover thank goodness.

After a little while I took him on to the yard, he was completely awestruck at the 18h heavyweight show hunter that was towering above him. Sadly the hunter mistook a thumb for a carrot and bit him. Moving onto to meet the retired hunter who would only speak to people he liked resulted in a turned bottom and a fart. Finally the little hunter who was everyone's friend, he planted his tongue on the husbands face and backed it up with a sneeze.

After that baptism of fire I took him to meet my mother for lunch, she is a bit of a dragon, but a clean plate appeases her and then he did the washing up so that was ok.

I can remember thinking I will never see him again, but 15 years on he has supported me through some tragic equine losses and severe illness for me. The only problem now is he considers himself equine savvy when really it is just luck that he has never been flattened. I watch him cleaning the barn out with Ted, Alice and Dim Tim break dancing around him and shut my eyes in horror.

I do think a balance has to be achieved, it cannot be all horses so I do set aside days when we go and do 'things' lunch, trip on the railway, a walk etc.
 
Luckily my OH is very supportive. I don't really have time for a horse of my own right now but he actively encourages me to keep riding and sharing etc. He is currently looking at 4x4s so that I have a towing vehicle for when the kids are both at school, as in his head this is when we will buy a horse. I'm hoping it'll be a bit sooner and I have a cunning plan - he has said he wants to learn to ride well enough to hack out with me on my 30th birthday in July. Hopefully he will fall in love with riding/horses so much that one will appear shortly afterwards, ha ha!

I don't think I could be in a relationship where each of us didn't have a separate hobby. I think it's so important to have time apart to do something you enjoy, then you really relish the quality time you spend together and always have something to talk about :)
 
I am not sure I would be able to cope with such a negative response. My OH is totally non horsey, he does however love animals, which I think helps. He is frightened of my horses so stays clear, he does not help out, but excepts my hobby and what time I spend with them, however I am always careful to to put aside time to spend with him. He is a golfer so that helps. I really could not spare the energy to entertain someone, as an adult they should really look after themselves.
 
my OH is brilliant luckily, he had never even had a small furry as a kid let alone dogs, horses etc. I didn't have a horse when we met as I was still a student. He was forewarned it would happen but he admits he had no idea how much of my time it would take up (and disposable income!). Two dogs, cat, 4 horses, poultry, waterfowl, moving to the sticks to a smallholding later and he's into the whole way of life. He has his own hobby (and kids) but he's very supportive, kicks me up the butt now and then and helped me through losing my old horse. He did think he was invincible until he was head butted (by accident) last year which set back his confidence a bit on the ground.
The only 'problem' now is that he won't fall into that 'honestly dear, an ancient horse box is an investment' ploy :)

It depends on why you gave them up in the first place-if it was a huge drain on you emotionally for example, or even financially then maybe he'd be right to voice a concern?
 
I think its all about compromise & understanding that as your life moves on and your in a serious relationship things do change. When I met my OH I had owned horses for 25 years and had 3 at the time, as we got more serious & decided on having a family etc I realised I couldn't keep 3 horses and still dedicate time to my OH and think about kids and running a home etc. I have sold 2 of my horses but have 2 lovely kids in replace :) my OH is not horses u at all but understands they are part d me and now us. I balance things as best I can and time spend with my family comes 1st before time with the horse, but I manage to have this balance just right. (I'm run ragged though)
 
I have 3 kids, 3 dogs, 1 horse and 1 husband.... Hubby moans about time I spend with my horse but when the chips are down he totally supports me. Due to an injured horse The last 3 months have seen me at the yard 7 days a week for a minimum of 4 hours (I'm on part livery and meant to have a day off every weekend for family time) and bless him he has born it with good grace!
It is hard to carve time out for hobbies on weekends especially if you have kids, but being with my horse makes me a much nicer wife/mum. During a recent argument he said "what if I said it's me or the horse" and I said "I really wouldn't go down that road" he looked a little concerned ��
Anyway going back to OP, I can see why he would be concerned about returning to horses for financial reasons and the time constraints BUT the question is will he be supportive if you move forward with it?
 
kathantoinette said:
My partner (farmer) is very supportive. Never comments the amount of time I spend doing my horsey stuff. He works alot and I keep myself busy doing my own thing - it works well. I couldn't imagine being with someone who wasn't supportive of any hobby I did. I think its important in a relationship.
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Same here. Partner is a very very busy farmer but would do anything he could to help and is fond of my animals and genuinely interested in speaking about them.
 
thanks all :) in terms of reasons, it was more the grieving of my old horse was clouding my enjoyment at the time, I had some nasty vet bills to pay off from said old horse, and the winter blues of horse ownership had set in. I also wasn't happy at my yard.
 
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