Horses are my only constant. Moan alert. Long

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teachme

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Hi, I've been lurking for ages but decided to join up to have a whinge about things you lot might understand.


I'm 21 (just) and feeling very low. I just feel like my life is going nowhere and yet at my age I should be having the time of my life! I'm currently house bound apart from seeing the horses which fortunately I am able to walk to as I'm not allowed to drive due to illness. It's not even a proper sickly illness or anything but prefer not to talk about that in particular. Being 'ill' and not being able to know for certain what's wrong is putting a big stop on moving forward at the moment but in general everything seems to suck right now.

Everyone always says how lucky I am, and I am honestly so very grateful for the 2 horses I have, but I feel like they are the only thing keeping me going at the minute. I felt a bit down after our last show as it really went very wrong, but i just need a bit more training, and ive already motivated myself but cant start to get on with it as am not allowed to ride due to 'illness'.

I gave up my job last spring because I felt trapped with no progession. I had semi decided to move away from horses but having found no retail jobs (what i thought i might like to do) im considering going back to horses. I have been very very fortunate in that my parents have supported me during my time off and I have spent this past year going to shows with my dressage trainer in exchange for helping them on their yard/riding school. I turned down a nursery apprentice vacancy recently because the money was no better than horses and not really what i wanted to do. I have found a position working in another riding centre and doing bhs exams, still not sure as the money is around 110 a week, which minus petrol and my horses livery leaves me around 10 a week. :( But i just dont know what to do. my dad would prefer me not to do horses anymore but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with looking for other jobs.

I feel so lonely. I used to work on my own at my previous job mucking out kennels/hunt horses (and riding school is shut mondays and staff have day off so i cover this) and now all my friends are off at uni I feel very isolated. I have never ever had a boyfriend (been kissed or done 'it' so i really mean unless you count primary school :rolleyes:) and wish I did. I'm not pretty I have a squarey/roundy face with lifeless dull hair and I just feel yuck about myself. I've never been overly girly about make up and haven't a clue what suits me (girls used to pick on me if i put my eyeshadow on after mascara when trying to fit in when we got changed after pe) I'm also quite short 5ft2 max and look very young! circa 12! :mad: but all my friends have boyfriends and i just never get looked at.

Not really sure what the point of this moan was, just felt like i needed to tell someone and i dont feel like i can tell my friends. (none of them know i have never had a teenage relationship and dont mention boys around me).

Thanks for listening :o
 
Hi there :)
You my friend need time. You need to quit being so hard on yourself. From having similar experiences to you at the age of 18 I know how it feels and I promise it will get better. Just tackle one thing at a time. You dont need to make all these decisions immediately. Your health is whats most important and you need to calm yourself and focus on getting better. This may well take time but if thats whats needed then so be it. Your horses are a source of comfort and everyone on here will know how that feels. They will still be there for you to get going on again when you are ready. Dont put so much pressure on yourself to keep up with what your friends are doing etc. There is no rule that says you have to be like them. Be yourself and look out for number one. It will work out, in time. :) x
 
Firstly, Big hugs XX

Secondly, This might be better in Soapbox or common room but anyway...

I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I think you need to write all your worries down and work out what it is you need to do to solve them...

Giving yourself a little make-over might be a good place to start - maybe pop to a beauty counter in a department store and ask their advice? they are there to sell product so be prepared for that but they should be able to advise on make-up application etc. Even places like Boots and The Body Shop should be able to help too! Just act a bit blonde ;)

Get yourself a haircut - maybe find a salon where they train students and volunteer to be a model??!

Getting a job away from horses might worth a shot... maybe bar work? Might not pay brilliantly but can do wonders for your self esteem and social life!!

Good luck!
 
You need to do what makes YOU happy. If working with horses is what works for you then DO IT! Your dad doesn't live your life. And if you are working on a yard you'll be surrounded by people that have the same interest as you - that's always a good start for friendships to blossom.

Don't worry about boyfriends. You'll bump into one eventually. It's better to wait for Mr Right than to rush off and get your heart broken by Mr Wrong. ( Men are overrated anyway. They have smelly feet and usually moan about the time and money women spend on their horses. Horses are much better, don't complain that you smell "horsey" and don't care if you look like you've been dragged through a hedge!!! :D )

ETA - just noticed the bit about you having £10 left per week, maybe you can take on the odd evening job too? Like bar work at the weekend? That way you can do your BHS stages AND meet people AND have money.
 
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Please try to stop being so hard on yourself. It sounds like you've been through a lot and that you've done the best that you've felt able to do in the situation. Beating yourself up isn't going to help you.

The great thing about realising life isn't what you want it to be is that this gives you the motivation to get out there and do something about it. I know it probably seems like everyone you know has a 'plan' and is sorted, but trust me, they really won't be! Even your friends at uni won't yet know what jobs they'll end up or what direction their lifes will take, and the majority won't yet have met the person they'll want to be with for the rest of their lives. I'm just about to turn 30 and honestly none of my friends are doing now what they thought they would be doing at the age of 21 - so much changes in your 20s. I for one am with a different partner, doing a different job, living in a different part of the country and have a whole different way of life to what I ever would have imagined a decadee ago. People all act like they have it sorted but they really don't ;)

If I were you I'd have a think about what you want to achieve and then take baby steps to get there. What do you want to do for a living in an ideal world? If you don't know that, what sort of thing do you enjoy and maybe people on here can suggest something? Once you decide what you want to do you have to work out how to get there - is there a qualification that would help? Can you get work experience? In the current market experience is everything, and even a few days unpaid work experience can really make your job application stand out when it comes to getting the job you really want.

In the meantime I agree some bar work could be a great opportunity for you - even if it's just in a quiet local where you won't be rushed off your feet it will get you out and talking to people which will help your confidence no end and help you meet new people. Plus there is no such thing as bad work experience! Even if you're applying for a job in retail having shown the commitment and personal skills required to work a bar can be presented favourably, it's all about the spin you put on it :)

Also, without knowing your medical issues this may not be of any use or relevance, but if it is an issue that has a charity campaigning about it then you could try speaking to them for some career guidance as lots of charities have a person dedicated to helping sufferers of particular conditions get back into work and find a suitable job. E.g. I know someone with rare heart condition, and the people from the relevant charity have been amazing at finding her work experience and helping her get what she needs to get back into work.

Good luck, keep talking to us and do what you can to enjoy your lovely horses x
 
I agree with what people have already said! Why don't you book in a makeover at a beauty counter and see what they can do? You can ask for specific looks and help on application! It all comes with time and practise! When I was younger 14/15 I was pretty shy until I told myself enough is enough! At 18 I got myself a bar job and had the time of my life! Hard work and late nights but well worth it... (I met my husband!) and gaine huge amounts of confidence and new friends!
If you want to stick with horses, stick with horses you have so much time! I'm 24 and still have no clue what to do with myself! But something will turn up eventually! Failing that I'll just run off with a rich man but that's another story!
X
 
Hi..I also have had things tough..amongst a few probs in my life I've had cancer and last year I lost my son. If isn't wasn't for my 2 beautiful horses I simply do not know what I would have done. But Hun...something I constantly tell myself is that there's always someone worse off..you need to think of the positive things in your life..the good that you do have. Id also like to recommend a book to you called 'the secret' have no idea if it actually works but at least the reading will give you something to do on dull days! Lol. Hang on in there Hun, life is hard. I know but you've got to look at the good things in you're life. Xx
 
I would definitely agree with all of the above! But mainly the idea of getting a little bar job - even one or two nights a week. I did it (many years ago!) when I was your age; not only was it a bit of extra money, it was a great way to meet people and even hear about other local jobs going (and all the gossip :D ). It was really good fun and, even if you are a bit 'shy' you will end up talking to everyone - it does wonders for your confidence! ;)

Hopefully, there is a nice 'country pub' near you that would give you the odd shift? Worth asking ...
 
Thank you everyone for your advice, i'm really grateful.

I feel a bit daft with the whole illness thing. The specialist did talk about heart surgery and although I'm being brave and telling myself it's actually going to turn out to be something 'simple' like glandular fever, i'm scared that if i end up having surgery i won't be able to carry on with the horses (non horsey family) and i'll lose the only thing thats always there. But on the other hand i am incredibly lucky to have a supportive family should the worst happen, and if not then theres people who may never be as fortunate as me :(
Midnight mayhem - i feel for you completely, you must have had a really tough time and i hope you have every happiness forever more.

I have taken your suggestions and spent this evening tidying up my eyebrows and messing around with the make up i have, and weeding out the plain jane items in my wardrobe. And i'm going to ask my mum about having my hair styled at somewhere new. I think the main problem with the image thing is that when i worked full time mucking out i was very slim and had a slight eating problem which had my size down to a size 6/8 nd i finally felt body confident. Bu now ive stopped i went back to an 8 but since ive been ill ive got podgy - believe me i know a 10 is tiny too, but i think everyone has their own happy medium and an 8 is it for me.

I so want to turn it all around and get a job and 'get a life' so to speak. Despite feeling low the thought of a whole new me does excite me!

I'm going to enquire about the yard with the bhs exams but unfortunately last week i rang round/visited every pub restaurant type in the area and although some took my cv there is no jobs. Not even at the local supermarket.


And i will check out that book suggestion.

Thanks for the support everyone.
 
I can sympathise OP- i had a condition that stopped me doing everything- including my riding a couple of years back. what was most scary was not being able to treat it and just have to hope it went away. fortunately it did after 6 months or barely being able to look after my horses, and they were the only thing that kept me going.

look on the positives, you have the horses and your parents dont seem to be pushing you to sell them or anything. the main thing boys notice is confidence, if you think you are attractive so will they. and with jobs- everyone is finding it hard at the moment, take what you can and build up your relevant experience.
 
Meant to say - sorry I dont know much about the members only areas of this forum.

And although there is no bar work I am looking for any type of work. I know everyone is finding it hars at moment - everyone wants you to have experience which you cant get without a job!!

Guess my absolute ideal is probably most peoples - have a yard, have my 2 plus maybe 1 or 2 to bring up from 3/4 year olds, and then a couple to have for a small amount of time before selling. With any other horses coming in for schooling/competing. So the happily ever after position comes hand in hand with one of those rich men!
Failing that a decent riders position where i can compete, and if not local take and incorporate my own - so a golddust poistion!!
 
It all takes time to sort it out. I had Glandula fever, which turned into chronic fatigue, and it completly kicked me sideways. I was so miserable, it took me hours to do the 45 minute drive to my parents as I had to keep stopping for naps and generally made me feel useless, not helped by so many dr's saying there was nothing wrong, and taking the attitude that as I was a student I was probably out drinking and taking drugs till the early hours so what did I expect!! (yes really)
I would suggest stearing away from working with horses long term, I did it as it was something I could do freelance, but I would say work out what your personal goals are, then how to get there. I am travelling at the moment, and am going to retrain when I come home, but I wish I had done it years ago.
1. Your friends are at uni, would you like to go? It would help bring you out of yourself and introduce you to new people.
2. Little jobs, how much can you do physically? Cleaning, whilst not much fun, is at least as well paid as bar work, and can be quite flexible.
3. Freelancing can be great, but I would recomend doing something other than horses alongside.
4. Equine therapy could be an interesting one, there are lots of courses around that you can do part time and on weekends.
Good luck, and try not to get too down, if you can keep riding that will help, it always made me feel better.
 
First of all big hug.
Beleave it most of life is an act. You act confident on the outside whilist on the inside your not and this applies to lots of people. I would imagine that your illness and isolation is colouring your out look, anyone who has had a long term illness can get bogged down and if you do have gladular fever it can really make a mess of your emotions.
Until you get a 'proper job' and are fully fit how about doing some work for a charity so you get something on your CV and meet people. My daughter filled out her CV by becoming the football club sec although she hates football. I think you have to be logical, what are your core skills and how can you applie them to a job.
Everyone wants to do their dream job but unfortuately life doesn't work that way, you find out what you are good at, see what jobs there are and hopefully at the end of it get a job that pays the bills.
My daughter has a degree in fashion, wanted despirately to work as a designer, no jobs, so she alters and refashions wedding dresses. Not quite what she wanted but it pays the bills.
Where blokes are concerned its best to be picky, theres a lot of frogs out there. My mum always used to say there somebody for everybody and I think thats true.
 
teachme said:
T
I so want to turn it all around and get a job and 'get a life' so to speak. Despite feeling low the thought of a whole new me does excite me!
Click to expand...

Baby steps sweetie...it all just needs to be broken down into individual little baby steps... :)

A while ago I had the year from hell... I didn't just crawl into a rabbit hole I threw myself body and soul into it and refused to notice the world was still turning... Just getting myself out of the house and facing people was a massive step with no idea of what to do with myself... And it was all just too 'big' to think about properly..

A big eyed, yearling filly got me out and about... Horses helped me meet people I could be comfortable with...fast forward a few years and I picked up some voluntary work I was doing before my son got so ill, then lo and behold I dragged my sorry backside into university and am now a FT undergraduate just about to finish my first year - after 25 yrs or more out of education... :eek::D Looking back, things have changed so much and I believe even if we get battered and bruised, when things are tough we should just pat ourselves on the back for muddling through each day... Not give ourselves a hard time for not being where we think we should be...

Get your make over (I had one at Boots and loved it) and break everything down into bite sized pieces... Your health... Your body condition (responsibly!!)... Your work ideas - maybe look at some voluntary options... Your social life - maybe try some assertiveness theories to boost your confidence or think of a hobby that you might like to dabble in in conjunction with the horses... Education - are you done or do you fancy furthering what you have or doing a more general course even if it's something like baking or kite building... There's so, so many options out there and sometimes, particularly if we're feeling low, we just can't see the woods for the trees... Oh, and fellas, particularly when you're young is an often over rated past time - someone will come along when you're as comfortable with your own skin as you want to be with someone else...

And love yourself... Lots... :)

PS...my eldest is 30 and she still gets ID'd and tutted at as a gymslip mum when she's out with her 9 yr old... In time, you'll be very grateful for a youthful appearance... :D
 
Big hugs - things will get better- lots of great advice here and you already sound more positive. Really hope you are OK. More huge hugs.
 
Poop happens to good people. There is a lot of poop in ur life so u must be a very good person. I'm sending hugs coz everyone else covered any suggestions I had. U sound like me at ur age but thinner, I was a 14 plus. Now I have my beautiful boyfriend my house coz dogs and my horses. I also feel quite cute most of the time. U will grow into urself and things will fall into place. Just some of us have to wait for it. Keep trying job wise and try to be positive. It will all happen in good time.
 
I feel for you. When I was 21, I had just graduated uni, been offered a job with a wildlife trust and everything was going to be ok. THEN. My Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given less than 4 months to live. I was living over a hundred miles away and knew I couldn't stay there.
So. I moved back to London, I was unemployed (didnt even have horses to keep me going) and he lasted 14 months. It was horrendous, sometimes I hated him for what he had done. I was his main carer until he reached the stage where he couldnt walk and the cancer ate into his brain, then I got a part time job so my Mum could leave her job to do the main parts. Wiping my own Dad's arse at 22, not being able to leave the house. Not having any money apart from a weekly trip to Starbucks (my best friend made me come otherwise I'd never have left the house) was NOT how I intended to be living.

Then he died in Jan, but my Mum was in a car crash in Easter that left her pretty helpless until Christmas. Again this wasn't exactly the life I pictured for myself.

Its really hard listening to your friends talk about parties, and guys and getting on with your life when you're trapped in this kinda situation. And before this dissolves into a pity party.
I'm now 28 (nearly 29 eeep!) I've been travelling to Italy, Iceland, New Zealand, India, and parts of America. I'm living in a rural village in Spain, studying a MSc in equine Science by distance learning and I'm in a relationship thats lasted 5 years (so far). And I started riding again seriously 3 years ago and have the finances in place to get my own beastie when I decide its time to return to the UK.

I never. Ever. Considered any of this would happen to me, when I was 22 and sobbing into my pillow most nights. I promise you, things seem *****e now but they will get better and unimaginably so. You want them to change and thats the most important thing :)

Hugs.
 
I am sending you the biggest hugs you will evvvvveerrrr have *HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSS*

:)

You will get through it.
I suffered badly with depression when I was 17 and approaching my 20th birthday now so know what it's like.

Accept that it is going to take time.
Get excited about little tiny things (I'm still grinning because I bought a second hand show jacket yesterday!)
Do things that make you feel good.
How about a night club job behind a bar? I did it for a while and it was AMAZING, so much adrenaline and you talk to everyone, boosted my confidence 100%.

We are all here for you, all the posts are very supportive, this little community we have is a very loving one :) *Huggssss again* xxxxx
 
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