Horses, kids and work? Insane or achievable?

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now_loves_mares

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Hopefully you lovely lot can put some perspective on things for me, as I'm having a bad day
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My OH and I have been together for 9 years. In this time, we've never really talked about having children. However this year the blasted biological clock started ticking, perhaps co-incidentally as I turned 35
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Aware that this is the age at which fertility starts to become officially worse, I suddenly feel that this is really important.

OH says he does wants kids, but the long and the short of it is that he wants me to choose between that and keeping the horses. I have two lovely mares that I keep at home. OH was quite immune to the whole thing until we moved here, now he sees what a commitment it is. He doesn't see how I can possibly manage to do both; as he rightly points out, his mountain bike can live in the shed, ready to perform when it suits, but my horses take slightly more effort
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. He also points out that all his friends with children say it's such a massive commitment and they have no time for anything else. Am I being naive in thinking that when you've been used to horses being a commitment since you were 10, this isn't such a culture shock for horsey folk
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I'm a stubborn mule at the best of times, so I would really appreciate your stories, good and bad. Would having the horses on livery be better or worse? Would selling my horses make me feel empty, or resentful of my child? Is it possible to make it work; Or is it really an either/or decision? As per the title, I also have a full time job. I am relatively well paid so might manage to cut my hours a little bit; but would certainly have to work the equivalent of 4 days a week.

I have tried to keep the post quite "factual" rather than emotional; which I realise might make it sound rather cold. It's not that way at all, I'm gong round and round in circles with this heart-wrenching decision, so just wanted to calmly "talk it through" with you lot
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I have 1 horse a full time job, and a 17 year old daughter.....
I don't have time for a man
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Seriously i can't give you any good advice as i didn't get my first horse until 8 years ago
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Hope you find a solution
xx
 
yes it can be done although depends what you do with your horses.i have 2 children now 15 and 12 and currently have 3 horses,but at least one throughout both pregnancies.i think if they are at home its much easier and means you can pop in and out and adjust your routine around babies and youngsters.forgot to say have worked throughout too as a nurse .you just have to be very organised and accept things will have to adapt.my horses were roughed off in pregnancy then hacked out and brought back into work.it was lovley to escape for a while and i think they have kept me sane.having a supportive partner helps too .every one is different but i would have struggled to give my horses up .admittedly we would have pots of money but my children have never gone without and i now have the joy of a horsey daughter.
 
you can do it, but it is hard i have 4 horses/ponies but look after another 2 and have three children they are ages 2,4, and 6 so all very young. they all help which does help as well.
i only work two days now but i was doing 4 last year, mine are all on diy livery so i do do all the work.
people think i am mad, yes it is hard but i would not change it i love my kids and i love seeing them enjoy being around these wonderful animals.
 
I know lot's of people with horses,kids and a full time job-me included. It is difficult juggling everything but it is do-able.
The one advantage you have is that your mares are at home.
Livery is just another expense you could probably do without.
I would be reluctant to get rid of your horses because you are/will be pregnant.Maybe find a sharer to help you out. I can see OH point but at the end of the day it has to be your decision to keep or sell them.No harm in making a decision after the event you will know then if you have the time or even the inclination to carry on
 
When i had my daughter i had a full time job, dog, cats and 4 horses. My yard was 5 miles away in one direction and work 20 in the other. It was very hard work, i used to have to get up at 4.30 each day and i didnt get sat down until 10ish at night. I chose to have my daughter and it was pretty hard going, but, i wanted to keep my horses and it does get alot easier. My daughter now nearly 17 and i now have my horsey freedom back, almost!!
 
I think you probably could manage it but its a tough decision...
Don't sell your horses unless its your decision and dont be pushed into it because you will be unhappy unless its been totally your choice
 
Thanks for your replies, and thanks for being non-judgemental. A lot of people (the non-horsey kind
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) think it incredibly selfish to want both
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I did wonder about a sharer. The main problem right now is that my OH seem to want an all or nothing decision. In my head I was thinking of it more as an organic process, where we just go along and see how it all works out, but he likes things to be quite settled; I'm happier with the "wait and see" mentality. My mum already mentioned that she could have them at hers while I was pregnant. I know life would be tough sometimes; but I think the way OH sees it is he'd have to pick up the slack
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Annoyingly, very few of my horsey friends have kids and vice-versa. The only one that does, makes her living from horses and lives 1/2 a mile from her Mum. This now makes OH think it's the only way it can work
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i have i set of twin girls now aged 3, have a part time job and studying full time course in nursing aswell as having a horse. Its been very tough but i think if i didn't have her i'll be going insane, its "my time". I had the chance when the girls were 1 to give a break as my other horse was pts but couldn't bare to think my life without horses. It was a struggle at first but i had a lot of help and support from friends with the horse and the girls. I'm guessing it will be a little easier for you what with the horses at home and i swear by routines that helped me alot. You'll be fine and i'm sure things will fall into place without realising. Good luck in what you decide
 
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I think you probably could manage it but its a tough decision...
Don't sell your horses unless its your decision and dont be pushed into it because you will be unhappy unless its been totally your choice

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This is what worries me. The one time in the last 25 years I didn't have a horse, I was pretty close to asking the doctor if I might have depression
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I honestly don't know how people spend their time if they don't have horses - I hated it
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Hi ya!

Speaking as a mother of twins! I can tell you that it is doable just hard work! I work 5 days a week 9 till 3 and have one horse on diy livery. I have a very understanding husband!

Will say I'm not sure if I could cope with two horses. Financially it was tough at the start with childminders costs etc but now my girls are at school it is so much easier!

Good luck with what ever you decide to do!

Sorry it's brief but I am on my phone to do this!!
 
Provided your finances will allow for children and horses, then I think you should give it a go.

You won't know whether it's manageable or not until you've tried, and it would be such a shame to sell your horses now as you clearly adore them and they bring you a lot of happiness.

It will undoubtedly be tricky to fit everything in to the day, but that's always the case and horsey people just find a way of fitting everything in
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Your OH's non-horsey friends can't imagine a way to fit everything in because they've never experienced trying to fit everything in, and probably do weird things like shopping and socialising which we don't have time for
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People who have never had hobbies who then have children invariably say that they take up all their time, but that's because they allow the children to take up all of their time!

I think with a bit of thought and flexibility then it could be manageable, you might just have to do things a bit differently.
 
I bought my mare before I became pregnant but I had the advantage of having her in full livery when I got too big to anything and once the baby was born. It might help to get some support with the hroses once you become pregant. The first few weeks with a baby you do just want to curl up with them and your OH but you will soon get restless again! I think it is doable with a supportive partner and firm routines and I think a life around horses, or any animal, is good for children. I don't think you are being selfish at all - we don't stop being individuals just becuase we become mums!
 
thanks everyone - is it wrong that right now I think I love you all more than my OH LOL
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Megan2006, that is what I thought, but wondered if it was just me that thought horsey folk do things differently
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Am writing this in the bath so better stop before netbook falls in with me
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You lot are really helping though - at least if I know it can be done it will make convincing OH easier.

Indiat - thanks, that's what I really needed to hear
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I'd get rid of the man frankly!!

I had two small children with their own ponies, full time job & horse eventing. Did everything poorly & house was a tip but perfectly acheivable - I pretty much didn't have an OH so definitely acheivable if you ditch the OH.
 
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I'd get rid of the man frankly!!

I had two small children with their own ponies, full time job & horse eventing. Did everything poorly & house was a tip but perfectly acheivable - I pretty much didn't have an OH so definitely acheivable if you ditch the OH.

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Hmmm - the small problem being that having the child in the first place might be difficult without him
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And despite how it might be sounding on this post, he's quite nice really! He just isn't used to the constant state of unrest and full-on bedlam that often occurs around horses.
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I understand your dilemma. As others have said it is hard but doable... heres my situation. 6 yr old daughter, and 3 1/2 yr old son. Had horses when I was younger and was over the moon when we moved to a place with some stables and a few acres 4 1/2 years ago. I have 3 horses now (a little one for the children, a retired chap, and a mare that I ride) I work 2 days a week, ride once / twice a week. Keep it all very low maintenance - out 24/7, field shelter with haybarns, kept the horses on flexible routine so they get fed when I can get outside! They are happy and live a very natural life. I get my me time. Admittedly I get up before the rest of the family at about 6am to poo pick etc and get everything done especially in winter but I love that time despite sacrificing sleep!

My OH is very un horsey but will throw feeds/ hay out etc if needs be and i also have a couple of people who help me out when we are away to feed etc. I dont ride as much as I like but my time will come when youngest starts school.

The trick is that I make sure the horses most definitely take 2nd place to fanily life so my OH doesnt resent them or the time that it does take out for me roughly an hour per day where he may have to pick up the slack (i.e. if I didnt have horses the house may be cleaner, dinner less burnt, children more entertained or I might be more neatly groomed myself).

I dont take the p*ss by leaving him with all the childcare when he is at home so I can do my hobby and I make sure that I give him some time to do stuff he wants for his time.

I pay for it all and I also dont spend time nor money on other hobbies like other mums do so I feel justified in doing what I do. It is a committment and I understand what your OH says about his bke - mine says exactly the same - but horses are my thing and he has come to accept it. I would be very resentful of him if he told me I had to give it up but I would if it did compromise my families life, however I do feel I am a better person/ mother / wife because of the enjoyment my horses give me.

Phew - big glass of a nice Shiraz if you got that far (as you can tell its a topic close to my heart!)
 
Twobays - thank you for your reply, you've hit on a few of the issues that are clearly bothering him, and to a lesser extent me. I think he envisages that every waking hour I'll be off doing horse things, and he'll be left with all the chores and nappy changing. Of course that's not my intention but I know I'll need his support once in a while; I can't promise him it'll never happen. What worries me is that I'll end up overcompensating, and never asking him to give me a couple of hours at the weekend to go off and do fun horse stuff, for fear of an "I told you so"...
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Hey, what a tough dilemma to be pondering.
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I have similar scary thoughts- Mr FigJam is incredibly broody and although I do want a family with him, the thought of having to give up my hobby (selfishly!) is one of the biggest worries for me regarding it.
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I would truly be lost without having my horse in my life and the thought of having to give it up while pregnant is depressing enough, never mind the thought of not being back in the saddle asap after. It's not something we've properly discussed, but I'd hope Mr FigJam would support a way of keeping on my horse as well as having a family. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't shop (other than for my horse!) and I don't go out- my horse is my "me" time and my social life. (does that make me a total saddo?!)

I think as long as you have a good support group (OH, family, friends etc) who can babysit for a couple hours while you ride or look after the horses it's do-able. Having them at home must make life much easier and really cut down on the time away from baby required as you don't have the house to yard commute, so I'd say home better than livery.

Good luck with the decision making.
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Also- as others have said, either a holiday, short term loan or sharer would be good things to consider. I already have a sharer and would probably look to take on a second short term one while I was out of the saddle to keep mine ticking over as she's older, so a long holiday probably not so good for her.
 
You're welcome, sorry about all the spelling mistakes!
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Since becoming a mother the people who really drive me crazy are all these 'perfect parents' who devote themselves 24/7 to their kids and tut at anyone else having a life. Tell your OH that having a life makes you the interesting, fascinating person he wanted to be with in the first place, and you will be the kind of mum that a son or daughter will adore. My two daughters are both horsey and love hanging out at our child friendly yard. My having interests and hobbies opens up the world for them and makes me a much happier person. Ask him what kind of life he wants for his children - would he like them to be stuck in front of a playstation all weekend or hanging out in shopping centres or would he like them out in the country side, having fun, learning some valuable life lessons about confidence, assertiveness, compassion and nurturing and making friends with real people rather than facebook friends? My OH was like yours at one stage, but having two strong, athletic girls who cheerfully sit up on my 15h mare and canter her around an arena has really make him change his attitude. He told my mother-in-law off the other day when she made noises about how much my mare cost by saying, "you just don't get it mother, Velvet is a lifestyle, not a hobby." Me and the girls were cheering in another room! He doesn't begrude a penny or a minute as he is so proud of the way his girls are turning out.

Here endeth the lesson, congrats if any of you got this far without falling asleep or puking!!
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QR - I have a term time job (but full time in term time), 6 year old child and a horse for me and pony for her. It is very very hard!! Especially now that it gets dark so quickly. I found, when my daughter was a baby, that i just could not manage and had to loan my horse out for a year while i get my head around being a mum and got into some kind of routine. It didn't help that my yard was a long way from home. I would imagine that had i been in your situation, with the horses at home, i would have managed ok though, as you can pop in and out of your house as and when you need to etc.
My husband is totally unhorsey. It has been an ongoing battle with him, he moans that i am always at the horses, and like twobays said, it's about strikng a balance, getting up at the crack of dawn to go for a quick hack, asking other family members like grandparents wo have her for a couple of hours so i can ride, things like that, and always making sure i do make time for hubby -Saturdays me and my daughter spend the whole day at the yard, sundays we go up really early, get everything done, spend the day with hubby then back to the yard last thing to put the horses away. i would think very carefully before allowing him to make you choose. it would be awful to resent him, or your child, for making you give up what you love doing.
Good luck!
 
I put my mare in foal to coincide with my son being born!! the hospitial said i crossed my legs till she foaled, our son was born 4 days after the foal, 2 weeks late!! the day we came out of hospitial we were out with the horses,they were on livery at the time, when he was 2 we moved to our own place, this i thought would be easier but at least on the livery yard there was always someone about to watch him for 5 mins. i worked less, 3 days a week, but it was all fantastic. my son now 12 rides, i now dont!! my OH worked away a lot and we just managed, my parents lived quite close but they have busy lives so not that much help there. you just kind of fit it all in because you want to.
 
QR...

Insane...yes. Achievable...hell yes!

I have 2 kids, 3 horses and a full time job. OH works shifts. My horses are kept on DIY livery about 2 miles from home.

You just need to be organised thats all.

Kids can be brought up around horses and love getting mucky and helping out.

Plus frankly.....the horses will be your life-line to sanity- you will need time to yourself for a hour or so to go out for a hack or something. The fact that they are at home should make it easier....
 
Also, don't underestimate the length of time it can take to get pregnant! I know you're thinking about the future, if and when it happens, but I sold my gelding because we had just got married and were trying for a family (I was 29) and I thought i would be pregnant within a few months. 2 years later and no joy, and may take quite a while longer yet! So, I have bought another horse (and so has my husband), as I realised I was putting my life "on hold" waiting to get pregnant. I still face the same dilemma as you, if and when the time comes (and i still think, and worry, about it a lot, same as you) but I've decided I'll carry on as normal and make decisions when I have to. So don't make any rash decisions!
Good luck. I think it helps to know there are others in the same boat, I know it keeps me sane when I'm out at 5.15 am in the dark, poo-picking by the light of my head torch.
 
I am so glad I found this thread and other like minded people. I am 18 weeks pregnant with 1st baby, still riding, horses on DIY (however have one for sale) , full time job as a nurse have a completely non horsey OH, work collegues, friends and mother who constantly tell me how i will struggle to fit it all in, and tbh sometimes make me feel selfish for wanting to carry on, so much that i rarely talk about anything horse related when I am with them. Yes I probably will struggle, but yes horse ownership is definatley a lifestyle, and from having done it long enough it automatically becomes part of the routine!
 
I think it depends on lots of factors - such as how far away your work is, how often you want to ride and compete, whether you are happy to have your horses living out, whether you have facilities like a school, what family/childcare you have available nearby, whether you like your house to look pristine, how much time you need/want to spend with your OH etc.

If the horses live out and you are content to ride occasionally then you should be fine. But if you have two stabled, in regular ridden work and you want to compete them as well, then it is going to be a lot harder to fit everything in.
 
HI everyone,

a bit late back to this thread (stoopid work and their mean rules about "appropriate" internet use
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Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who took their time to reply. You've given me the confidence to have another conversation with OH where I can tell him it IS possible! I'm under no illusions about this being easy, but then the best things in life never are.

Just don't blame me when I am back on here 9,12,18 months from now saying "aaaahhhh I'm going mad, my baby never sleeps and my horses are both lame"
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