Horses, Pregnancy and Feeling Woefully Inadequate

PercyMum

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Just after other peoples experiences/thoughts/HHO vibes and kicks-up-the-arse!!

I'm 6 months pregnant, it wasn't planned and I'm not exactly delighted about the whole thing but I'll make the best of it and I'm sure once he's arrived, it'll be great. I just wondered how other people felt if they had horses whilst pregnant? I really thought that I would be fit and healthy through the whole thing and ride my way through till the end, or until I got too big. However, I started off with a chest infection and post-viral fatigue, followed by turbo Morning Sickness (turned into the same thing the Duchess of Cambridge had and was really very poorly) but I still rode (badly); the poor horses came out of the school with vom on them more than a few times :S. Then I had really painful issues with my pelvis and my core muscles not 'giving way' for the baby. Again, I kept riding but was sensible. Midwife and Osteo all happy that I kept riding, as I also have spinal damage and riding keeps me mobile and relatively pain-free.

Now my stomach muscles are cramping badly when I ride - definitely a 'muscle' thing not a 'baby' thing but I have decided to stop riding, and now I feel utterly crap about myself and that I'm some kind of failure. I know I am probably being silly but I read H&H and hear about people hunting and doing dressage tests on their due date and just think I must be so rubbish and pathetic. I have the horses at home and am still mucking out and doing all the yard work, and lunging but its exhausting. This year was supposed to finally be 'my' year for competing, as both horses are tricky and took a long time to rehab after they were rescued/rehomed, so I guess I feel a bit seen off that I missed out as I was so ill. I know they can do next year instead but again, I feel like I have failed somehow.

I just wanted to be fit, active and healthy through my pregnancy but instead I feel tired, sore, in pain, miserable and like I'm letting the horses down. I do have a sharer who is fab so the horses are getting exercised at least 4 times a week (1-2 x hack/ride and lead, 2 school and 1-2 Lunge) so I know I am being ridiculous. I'm petrified of damage post-birth, especially as I have to play a charity polo match 9 weeks after my due date and I REALLY don't want to let the team down.

Oh gawd, I know I am being a whiney cow but did anyone else feel like this? What did you do to get over it?
 

StarcatcherWilliam

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I think you need to give yourself a break and stop giving yourself such a hard time! My situation is slightly different. I lost my horse in Feb and fell pregnant in May. It was very much planned but I have spent a lot of the pregnancy in deep depression because I feel that I will never manage to have a horse again and I'm almost in mourning about it! Like you, I wanted to stay fit during pregnancy but it's not as easy as that. I had to stop running very early in second trimester because it caused too much ligament pain in abdominal area. I'm still fairly active- I do lots of walking and a bit of strength training but I know that riding would have been out of the question for me.

Try to embrace the pregnancy and go with your body. I don't think you should put pressure on yourself regarding events after the birth. The most important thing is you and your baby and you'll just have to see how you feel when the time comes.

I certainly don't think you're being whingey by the way, just heaping way too much pressure on yourself. Pregnancy is hard enough as it is!
 

Bav

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The way you're feeling is totally normal I felt exactly the same and then it made me feel selfish that I was concerned about my horses when I'm carrying an unborn child. Even now, my little girl is 17months old and we are trying 'kind of' for a second but I still get that feeling of dread at the thought of not being around to ride, to be able to compete when we've been doing so well. And then again I kick myself for being selfish and feeling as though I care more about riding then having kids.

I'd like to say it gets better but it doesn't. However you'll muddle through as us horsey people are resilient! I'm lucky I have my mum who can look after the little she-devil at the drop of a hat so I can ride but even then I know tons of people that manage to compete two horses with children and whilst working full time. Everything will work out, don't put too much stress on yourself and just remember, you've only got three months (ish) left, that's nothing in the grand scheme that is life. At least you're pregnant through the winter so fingers crossed you'll have the summer to play ponies!
 

GemG

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You're not alone! Been through the pregnancy/give birth thing twice (now have two beautiful girls, a five year old and a two year old!)

Remember pregnancy can be different (easy to difficult) for each woman and each pregnancy can be very different for the same person.

Stop putting yourself under so much pressure. You will not be able to do the same things as you used to simple! I managed to ride and school (decently) in until 8 months but then it became clear my body was saying 'stop', so I did. First pregnancy I didn't ride much at all. Both very different.

I would never plan an 'event' (such as a match or even a lesson) 9 weeks post birth. It's far too much pressure to get on with it. You have no idea how you will be during/post birth and it's a massive thing for your body and mind to deal with! (Each to their own though).. You won't be letting anybody down, you've just had a baby! Plus I breastfed on demand with both exclusively (the babies would not entertain a bottle!) , which I found impossible to fit in with riding consistently. Although have a read through "hot to trot" 's posts on here (or look up materna-venting) .. Hilarious (she is an inspiration). I didn't ride until probably 8-9 months post birth. With first birth I don't think I sat down properly for that sort of time period (second easier!).

I haven't competed for about 3 years at all due to children (work/no time) .. But it does get easier. A lot depends on your support network/family, your set up, your expectations etc. I just can't do it all.

But do have a good moan on here... It makes you feel better and there are others that will totally get where your coming from.

Just try and thing long term. Right now you will feel your missing out and it will be an age, but time passes and babies become kids and eventually (I hope) you will get your time and energy (?) back !!

Please do try and chill out and do have a rant and stop feeling like you have to be Wonder Woman, you are being one just carrying a baby and managing to still 'do' the horses, let alone anything else!

But it is a complete compromise on everything.
 
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GemG

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* I still feel a twinge of jealousy (that's awful isn't it!) when horsey pals are off competing/ going to clinics / travelling to beach rides / going away XC schooling or something, when I'm struggling just to get mine fit, just through lack of time etc.

Then feel guilty as I have two wonderful, funny, lovely children.

Guilt-guilt!
 

Tory27

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I’m not sure if this is going to be much help but I'm suffering a tad too, but in a non-horsey way. I’m just over 7 months, work full time, have 4 horses two in work. Still riding as much as possible, mucking out 4 stables each day all normal routine stuff. Aside from the morning sickness for the first 4 months (I too was chundering my guts up whilst riding leaning off the side of my horse). I've been pretty lucky and have felt completely fine physically and mentally.

Now heres where I’m struggling. My hubby is fantastic. Loves my horses, hasn’t stopped me from riding, helps with everything and is very excited about baba coming into the world (our first child) However since my 'bump' appeared which was around 6 months he won’t come anywhere near me sexually. Any physical affection has gone, vanished. He touches my tummy and thats as far as it goes. I’ve told him many times sex cannot do any harm to baby, this has been backed up by midwife 'its good for you both' but nope! It’s now starting to get me down a bit, I feel ugly, unattractive, fat and frumpy!! And I’m fed up of being told oh aren’t you glowing… really!! Its been a month now and to be honest I cant see anything happening in the bedroom dept. I try but fail and then feel stupid and embarrassed so give up. Ive come to the conclusion its a man thing, (hope he gets out if it) Men ‘say’ they love to see a pregnant woman they're so attractive but it does not go any further - well is my case anyway.

But like you PercyMum although we can’t have it all we do still have our horses. Whether that’s spending time on their backs or on the ground, they aren’t judging us, or worried that we're not riding them every day they’re just grateful we are they to take care of them. Nothing nicer than stroking those fluffy noses and having a horsey cuddle. If I didnt have horses and was pregnant Ida gone bonkers ages ago!! They are my escape especially when baby has been born. The freedom. (not that i wont miss baby but im sure all new mums and mums need a break) If there is one thing im learning with this pregnancy business there are no instructions for anything - no right or wrong.

Hope you feel better, not long now and hope all continues to go well for you.
 

PercyMum

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Thanks all. I'm just finding it really hard to accept I can't do everything anymore. Ironically, when sprog is here, I think it'll be fine. He's booked in for childcare 3 days a week (0730 to 1800), a day with my parents and us look after him whilst working from home. I won't be b/f so that will be easier too. The horses are kept at home so I should be ok to get up and sort the animals out while hubbie deals with sproglet. I get home from work at 1630 so I can get afternoon stables done and a horse exercised while OH picks up child after work, then we juggle it so I can get the other one worked and do bedtime etc. I accept that this might not always run smoothly to plan but at least we have a system in place. Weekends I can still compete as OH will more than happily care for sproglet (well, it is his too!!). Might be more of an issue when little one is a toddler but I guess I will deal with that when the time comes. Its just this stage I am struggling with. Scared of losing fitness, mobility, not being able to get back onboard straight after, inadequate as can't ride as it hurts... Doesn't help that I'm ex-military and we tend to have the mind-set that you just 'push on through' when things are tough or hurt. And to not be able to (like now) is a big fat fail.

Sigh.

Tory27 - I'm so sorry for you! I can't get the OH to leave me alone (sorry) but I am in no mood at all as I feel something akin to a walrus; I can't roll over properly without it hurting, therefore I'm grunting like a warthog everytime I move, my chest is so sore and hurts so much that I want to punch anything or anyone that comes near them and I feel like I have similar dimensions to Moby Dick so feel about as sexy as a cold shower!!!
 

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I have never had children but I did have a horsey friend with hyperemesis and based on that you seem to be doing exceptionally well just to do the horses let alone ride! All things pass, your horse will be fine and you can pick it up later when the time is right. Cut yourself some slack! X
 

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Give yourself a break OP! I'm 23 weeks now & still riding - was 5 days a week until the clocks changed & ive been doing BD throughout. But.... Apart from tiredness & some nausea early on, I've had a lovely pregnancy so far. I've only put on 10lb in weight although my balance & shape are changing now. I love riding & also love being pregnant. I have days when I don't feel like riding, so I don't. No point pushing yourself. I've stopped competing now as started to find it too tiring and stressful so wasn't enjoying it.

My horse is on full livery so I don't really have any of the mundane jobs apart from a bit at weekends. That helps as it means I can just enjoy riding. I can only just do u my breeches now though & am definitely finding it harder to ride correctly.

Mine is going out on loan in a few weeks, prob for a couple of years, so am trying to make the most of him right now!
 

MileAMinute

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I had to sell my horse when pregnant as I couldn't have both. I broke him in and trusted him with my life. Trust me, your guilt is nothing compared to mine, and my daughter is now 18 months and I still Google him every week!

Give yourself a break. Having a baby is hard, and once they are born it only gets harder.
 

SusieT

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I know very very few people who at 6 months pregnant would be comfortable riding.
enjoy the break, turn the horses away and enjoy them being fat and fluffy!
 

mariew

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I have a two year old (child) and am just about riding a couple of times / week. I had all intentions, but if you don't have an amazing backup around you it is simply not that easy to ride. To be honest i wouldn't make lots of plans for when after you have had the baby because physically it's exhausting, and you just don't know how you'll feel.

I had a c-section and there was no way i could ride for 3 months, and even after that my muscles were nowhere near what they were and they're still a bit weird. I love my girlie to bits, but in hindsight i would have been much better off putting her out on loan for a couple of years, because even though she's on full livery there is always a mental preassure to do stuff and in reality, you can't do it all.

If you take a step back and look at the time line of your life, the first bit when they are really little is such a small part of that, the horses can wait for a year or two. You'll be fine, the horses will be fine.
 

Peregrine Falcon

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STOP!!! Right there. No woman who grows a new life inside her should feel a failure. Everyone will have a different experience and we are all unique. No-one is superwoman and sometimes you have to take a step back, view things from the outside and take a check on those reins.

Pregnancy, birth and parenthood doesn't come with a proper manual. It is up to you to pick what works for you and your situation. Don't get putting pressure on yourself to do things because you think you should be doing them or could be doing them.

and now........chillax!!!! :D
 

abbijay

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Thanks all. I'm just finding it really hard to accept I can't do everything anymore. Ironically, when sprog is here, I think it'll be fine. He's booked in for childcare 3 days a week (0730 to 1800), a day with my parents and us look after him whilst working from home. I won't be b/f so that will be easier too. The horses are kept at home so I should be ok to get up and sort the animals out while hubbie deals with sproglet. I get home from work at 1630 so I can get afternoon stables done and a horse exercised while OH picks up child after work, then we juggle it so I can get the other one worked and do bedtime etc. I accept that this might not always run smoothly to plan but at least we have a system in place. Weekends I can still compete as OH will more than happily care for sproglet (well, it is his too!!). Might be more of an issue when little one is a toddler but I guess I will deal with that when the time comes. Its just this stage I am struggling with. Scared of losing fitness, mobility, not being able to get back onboard straight after, inadequate as can't ride as it hurts... Doesn't help that I'm ex-military and we tend to have the mind-set that you just 'push on through' when things are tough or hurt. And to not be able to (like now) is a big fat fail.

Sigh.
I'm competitive, driven and like to push myself to the edge much like you but... There are things that are more important than sticking to a plan and "achieving" things. Namely, you are growing a very precious little person and time with that little person will be important too.
I can empathise with your feelings about this not exactly being the "plan" you were working on but you need to make peace with that one sooner rather than later. My hubby and I decided to see what happened but weren't "actively" trying. 2 weeks later I was pregnant, at the 12 week scan we found out it was twins! I love them dearly but I never contemplated twins and while it's so nice being considered "special" by some in so many ways I just wanted to be like everyone else - I couldn't just meet other mums for coffee as my double buggy wouldn't fit through the door! I couldn't afford to join any of the baby classes as it was double the price but I couldn't manage 2 children to do the activities and after paying for 2 lots of nappies, clothes, milk, etc I just couldn't find the money. I still find myself quite jealous of friends with only one child because I couldn't do any of the stuff they did but nothing will change that now and I'm making a big effort to do more fun things with the kids now they're older (3 1/2). I know you might not want to but it might be worth talking to a professional about this so you don't put yourself through years of guilt.
When it comes to after the birth prepare yourself for the world never being the same again! You will still want to compete and do all the things that you used to but suddenly have about 4 other responsibilities and it's not as simple as it was before. I hope your plan works really well but even the best child in the world will put spanners in the works. Good luck with it all!

Tory - I think we bumped uglies 3 times during my entire pregnancy: I was exhausted, vomitty or with dodgy hips throughout! Well done for even contemplating it.
 

honetpot

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STOP!!! Right there. No woman who grows a new life inside her should feel a failure. Everyone will have a different experience and we are all unique. No-one is superwoman and sometimes you have to take a step back, view things from the outside and take a check on those reins.

Pregnancy, birth and parenthood doesn't come with a proper manual. It is up to you to pick what works for you and your situation. Don't get putting pressure on yourself to do things because you think you should be doing them or could be doing them.

and now........chillax!!!! :D

Exactly. We are told we are supposed to cope, have plan, be good at everything. First thing to do is through that out the window. You will find a way but it will probably be a different way, which is your way that fits for you.
When you get that baby you will wonder how you produced anything so perfect, and then the next few months wondering how someone so small can cause so much chaos. So doing something like mucking out and filling a hay net in peace will become heaven. Enjoy the peace while you can.
 

Nudibranch

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As has been said here lots, you can't do everything! Take the pressure off and turn them away. I had to stop riding at 6 weeks due to hospitalisation with OHSS. Oh would have talked me out of it anyway. ..he's an obstetrician and far too risk aware. I then developed spd so even walking was hard. I got back in my 5yo 7 weeks after baby was born but have stopped again as babs is now more aware and playful and while newborns sleep for England, older babies don't. I have surprised myself in that I don't want to just hand him over and go off riding...he's too precious and they grow so fast. I can pick up the horses again any time - even the youngster will be fine turned away a bit longer. My baby will only be a baby once, and 12 months maternity leave will fly by!
 

Moomin1

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Seriously, take it easy. We've all felt those feelings and it's normal. I carried on looking after my horse on DIY whilst pregnant and still do (my LG is 2). I went through a range of emotions before and after my daughter's birth and often felt sad at not having the same amount of time for my horse as I used to, and coupled with guilt at feeling that when I have a little girl who 'should' be my only interest. Reality is... 2yrs on and I have a horse who has been on 5mths box rest with me looking after her, with daughter in tow, and I have found complete happiness in my situation. Had someone said to me just after my LG was born that my horse was going to end up on long term box rest I would have had a breakdown most likely. But it's been perfectly manageable and enjoyable. My point being don't try to analyse how you may or may not feel or manage after your baby is born..things always work out :)
 

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Echo what everyone else has said.

And don't plan anything with horses for after birth, as either you'll end up not doing it and feeling bad or the ruddy horse will go lame! It's hard to feel like you want to do everything, and that you should be doing everything. I also wouldn't plan to get rid if your new one quote so much when they're born, you may find your priorities change significantly.

If you want to be fit pre and post birth I would really recommend sone yoga or pilates for pre/post natal. I did a pilates class tonight on the spring wall and it was brilliant. My physio recommends pilates for 6 months post birth too, as from experience you may feel ok, but your body goes through a lot and not looking after it and strengthening it properly afterwards can lead to others issues.

And try and relax and enjoy it, if you don't you'll blink and you'll miss it advyou can't get this time back x
 

Katastrophy

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I'm almost a year post birth and my plans went out of the window 18 months ago! I felt uncomfortable riding at 5 months (fast/fittening work) but drove him 6 months gone at the national Championships. Once that was done I had no reason to keep him going and my sharers rode him to keep him ticking over. It was easy for me to do the basics and not a huge amount else. However, after baby arrived, my life turned upside down. I've stood at the yard looking at our 17 tonner, the carriages, the huge amount of kit I have, the trailer and not least the homebred pride & joy and cried. Not for any other reason than guilt. I struggle to leave her with anyone, I have been resentful that I feel that way. I then feel guilty that I feel resentful and that just makes me feel bad. I've struggled with the most perfect baby that I could have, who has slept straight through from 10 weeks, who has had her moments but in essence is perfect.

Next point to make- I had a pretty awful birth. Forceps and a hell of a lot of stitches. Some issues afterwards and managed to make it onto my horse at 6 weeks after birth- at which point I walked around the arena, tried to trot and wet myself, got off and cried in the car. I've probably ridden 10 times since, though he has been driven more often by me and clients.

I'm not the same person that I was, I've changed. I still have moments when I look at it all and the guilt overwhelms me. The times when I don't understand why I can be so selfish to want to have it all myself when we struggle at home to make ends meet. I'll struggle for some time, I think, but right now, it's all staying and my standards have had to change- my horse doesn't need to be immaculate. In the winter, as long as he has turnout it's not the end of the world that he's not worked and the bed has to be clean but not measured with a spirit level.

Good luck, try not to be too hard on yourself, and remember that horses don't mind being second fiddle for a while!
 

mytwofriends

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You will have years and years to ride after your baby is born. The pregnancy might seem like it's dragging on for ever, but it's not in the broad scheme of things.

Look after yourself, look after your baby after the birth, then re-evaluate. Your priorities will most likely change in any case, you'll get your shape/fitness back for the most part, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

I've had three kids, they're all in their 20's now. Time flies by. Enjoy it.
 

stencilface

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Oh yeah, give up on having a really clean horse now!

Mini SF is now 3 and does enjoy coming to brush the horses with me and ride her pony sometimes. She's not that bothered though (stop holding onto me mummy!) and I'm not inclined to make her til the spring comes now!!
 

Goldenstar

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I don't have kids but have observed all my horsey friends going through this .
First thing those who hunted on the Wednesday did a dressage test on Sunday and gave birth on Monday are very very rare .
Pregnancy is something you are not in full control of you have to go with the way your body wants it to be .
You need to embrace this and just go with it and if you can't ride you can't it sounds like you have a good system in place for your horses with your sharer so there's no problem there .
You just have to relax and embrace what life throws at you , I have seen this go all sorts of ways from those who seamlessly get the baby ingrated into their horsy life to those who have no interest in a horse from the moment they set eyes on the Baby .
Relax go with the flow rest and be kind to your self .
 

CPayne

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As others have said, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself but I know the feeling and hated being unable to do things whilst I was pregnant, although I was lucky enough to be able to keep riding. On a practical note, have a look at this website http://www.epi-no.co.uk I used one for both of my pregnancies and was back riding after a week. I'm sure it helped to prevent downstairs issues and makes you do your pelvic floor excercises too. I also did antenatal yoga and carried on swimming but was still shocked by the loss of muscle tone. I felt quite strange on my first ride back, just hacking, but I rode until 39 weeks and I guess had become used to the gradual change in weight/balance, so it was a shock to be without a bump and I felt a bit all over the place.
Anyway, as Goldenstar says, "relax, go with the flow, rest and be kind to yourself".
 

pippixox

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Very interesting thread to read. I am currently at home with my 10 week old baby boy.
He was much planned but still did not make it easy. To be honest I thought it would take a bit longer to get pregnant! But it only took a few months. i dedided not to ride my 5 yo ponies who I had only backed last summer. I still rode my mare until just after 12 week scan as then it felt real! She has her moments! Rode my old boy until nearly 7 months as he is so trust worthy, but then he got ill (cyst on brain) and to be honest my hips/pelvis started hurting too much. I at first felt guilty. But my horses loved being turned away for the spring & summer.

I got back on my mare 1 month post birth (had stitches from episiotomy but they felt fine by then)- she had 7 months off by then but was great and well behaved. But to be honest riding once a week is a luxury and at first I sometimes did not have the energy as my boy has only recently started sleeping better!

I have recently had to start medication for post-natal depression. I must admit it makes me want to run away from my little boy some days and sell all the horses. But I know it is brain chemicals messed up & things will improve. As a whole I think things would be far worse if I did not have the horses to get us out of the house every day.

Regarding bedroom activities! We were still active even days before birth. Just only certain positions worked! Lol! Were as now with sleep deprivation and depression I don't know when I will ever feel like it again. Poor hubby- I have ridden my horse more :p
 

PercyMum

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Thanks all - especially for the tip about the Epi-No!!

I know I am putting pressure on myself and I get that its a relatively short time. For me though, I don't have all the time in the world to ride after the birth. I have a degenerative spinal and knee conditions which, worst case, will prevent me from riding in a few years time. So I do feel under huge pressure to squeeze all my fun in while I can. I know my priorities may change, and of course, sprog will become top of the list. But equally I know how important riding and the freedom it gives me is too. Perhaps this is why I am taking it so hard that I can't ride at present and why I feel it is so important to get back onboard asap.
 

Katastrophy

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Please trust me that the more pressure that you put on yourself to get back on, the harder everything gets. I understand the limited time frame, more than you might imagine, but please don't put yourself under pressure that not essential. Look after yourself and your little one and a month or two won't make any difference. Honestly! Xx
 
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