Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear diary
Its official.
My mother has lost the plot.
Completely and totally lost it.
Last year when the white stuff came it was apparent that it killed horses. For this reason we were all kept inside safe and sound until the white stuff gave up lying in wait and left. All good sensible stuff, carried out by my sensible mum and sensible aunties.
This year I think mum has had too many blows to the head. She made me GO OUTSIDE in the middle of the advance of the enemy white stuff. It sneakily tried to blind me by flying in my eyes, deafen me by blowing in my ears, crippled me by holding on to my feet, starve me by hiding all the grass and my mother LEFT me in it!
The other day we stayed in for a few hours then mum took me in the menage and tried to make me run with her in it. Do i look retarded? It was bad enough mum was leaping about in the snow looking like she was out on day release without expecting me to do the same. Prancing about like a great lemon poof in the white stuff may make for "lovely pictures" but they do little for a boys street cred....
Yesterday the white stuff had laid such seige to the drive I was sure that we would all stay in safe and warm but no! Boss lady Sarah took down some of the fencing so we could walk around the long way - and boy was it a lloooooonnnngggg way - to our fields. What is with these people?
We walked out to the fields in twos (I went with Dolly which was the only good thing as I got to oggle her butt from 6 inches) and we were nearly dead by the time we got there. The snow was up to my knees, past my mums knees, very deep and very cold! Mum was sounding like she was making a dirty phone call by the time we got halfway round and I seriously could not think of a single thing that could have been waiting for me in that field that would have made that trip worth it. Well other than my lovely and much missed fit mare. Covered in molasses. Holding a bag of carrots. Huummm. Excuse me while I wipe off the drool from the side of my mouth, its not a good look and knowing my luck will freeze my face to the stable door. I do not want to spend the day looking like a stuck on Garfield.
By the time we got to the field I'd probably lost more calories than I was going to eat that day - it was like the outdoor pursuit equivalent of celery - more effort than its worth. I had cold feathers, 6 inch sillettos, a runny nose and a serious aversion to that white stuff. Then I see all that slog was for a haynets worth of hay spread out on the snow. WTF?! I nearly DIED and all I get is HAY? The very least I was expecting was carrots, a cup of that stuff mum drinks and an hour with Dolls. Hubba hubba, I'd warm her up! By breathing heavily on her obviously - I was far too pooped for anything more than that
Then blow me to come in in the afternoon we had to repeat the entire performance. Hah! Not likely! I came in like an exocet on speed. Well tried to. The combination of Dad on the end of the rope, the white stuff launching a sustained attack on visibility, a badly timed spook and a large snow drift put pay to that idea........ If anyone asks I was making a horse angel alright?
Today is not much better although because it is very icy mum has said I'm not going out until mid morning. I'm planning on burying so far under my bed that she can't see me in the vain hope of not having to do the snow marathon again. I'm hoping that by breathing in I can disguise myself as a bank?
Failing that has anyone got room in a suitcase thats travelling somewhere hot?
Its official.
My mother has lost the plot.
Completely and totally lost it.
Last year when the white stuff came it was apparent that it killed horses. For this reason we were all kept inside safe and sound until the white stuff gave up lying in wait and left. All good sensible stuff, carried out by my sensible mum and sensible aunties.
This year I think mum has had too many blows to the head. She made me GO OUTSIDE in the middle of the advance of the enemy white stuff. It sneakily tried to blind me by flying in my eyes, deafen me by blowing in my ears, crippled me by holding on to my feet, starve me by hiding all the grass and my mother LEFT me in it!
The other day we stayed in for a few hours then mum took me in the menage and tried to make me run with her in it. Do i look retarded? It was bad enough mum was leaping about in the snow looking like she was out on day release without expecting me to do the same. Prancing about like a great lemon poof in the white stuff may make for "lovely pictures" but they do little for a boys street cred....
Yesterday the white stuff had laid such seige to the drive I was sure that we would all stay in safe and warm but no! Boss lady Sarah took down some of the fencing so we could walk around the long way - and boy was it a lloooooonnnngggg way - to our fields. What is with these people?
We walked out to the fields in twos (I went with Dolly which was the only good thing as I got to oggle her butt from 6 inches) and we were nearly dead by the time we got there. The snow was up to my knees, past my mums knees, very deep and very cold! Mum was sounding like she was making a dirty phone call by the time we got halfway round and I seriously could not think of a single thing that could have been waiting for me in that field that would have made that trip worth it. Well other than my lovely and much missed fit mare. Covered in molasses. Holding a bag of carrots. Huummm. Excuse me while I wipe off the drool from the side of my mouth, its not a good look and knowing my luck will freeze my face to the stable door. I do not want to spend the day looking like a stuck on Garfield.
By the time we got to the field I'd probably lost more calories than I was going to eat that day - it was like the outdoor pursuit equivalent of celery - more effort than its worth. I had cold feathers, 6 inch sillettos, a runny nose and a serious aversion to that white stuff. Then I see all that slog was for a haynets worth of hay spread out on the snow. WTF?! I nearly DIED and all I get is HAY? The very least I was expecting was carrots, a cup of that stuff mum drinks and an hour with Dolls. Hubba hubba, I'd warm her up! By breathing heavily on her obviously - I was far too pooped for anything more than that
Then blow me to come in in the afternoon we had to repeat the entire performance. Hah! Not likely! I came in like an exocet on speed. Well tried to. The combination of Dad on the end of the rope, the white stuff launching a sustained attack on visibility, a badly timed spook and a large snow drift put pay to that idea........ If anyone asks I was making a horse angel alright?
Today is not much better although because it is very icy mum has said I'm not going out until mid morning. I'm planning on burying so far under my bed that she can't see me in the vain hope of not having to do the snow marathon again. I'm hoping that by breathing in I can disguise myself as a bank?
Failing that has anyone got room in a suitcase thats travelling somewhere hot?
.
