Hovis' friday diary

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Hovis_and_SidsMum

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Dear diary
I have a new career. Apparently I am about to get a suit and a job in the city – Monty tells me that’s what people who are total bankers do. I know I am a good banker because mum has spent most of this week telling me so – she’s SO insightful is my mum.
As you’ll know from my entry on Monday we lost dear old Timmy at the weekend so everyone started the week quite subdued. Aunty Sarah took me out for a ride on Monday which I thought was cool – until I realised we were test driving a new bit. Pants! Apparently someone has told mum that whilst the Pelham she had me in is ok I’m still leaning on her hands. Damn right I am!! Do you know how heavy my head is? Mum is a big strong girl – she can hold me up when I get tired – after all all she’s done is sit on me whilst I got tired!
Anyway I found out later this week who’s daft idea that was – but more on that in a moment.
Mum rode me on Tuesday and weds and that’s when she told me that I’m destined for a career in the city. “You great big banker” she shouted several times. She told me quite a lot so I think this means she’s very impressed!
Impressed is not what I was yesterday. Depressed more like. HE came. Evil army man who I swear is trying to turn me into Combat Clydesdale. Apparently this new bit was his idea – I should have guessed – I swear the man sits all day trying to figure out new ways to ruin my fun. He brought his girlfriend with him yesterday; she is in foal and is a very nice lady. She said I was handsome, cool, charming, sexy, beautiful, smart....... ok maybe she didn’t say ALL those things but I’m sure she was thinking them. She liked me more than poof bags so she can come again.
Under her influence even GI Just No Fun said I was cool and was nice about me too – “aha!” I thought “He’s coming round” – then he ruined it by suggesting I would look great pulling a cart. Now there was just no need for comments like that. Ok my ancestors pulled carts, I admit that, but his ancestors swung in trees and picked fleas out of each others hair. Do you see me mentioning that?! Hum?
Anyway yesterday we spent doing circles. CIRCLES? What happened to jumping? Apparently mum hasn’t been well all week but since she just sits there, points me at the jump and shuts her eyes, I fail to see what that had to do with anything? And why does she need to be able to turn me in small circles in canter? At what point hurtling around a jumping course like an unstoppable force of nature do we need to be able to do pretty circles? I wish mum would stop bathing me in funny smelling shampoos –I swear its making people think I should be treated like a big girl.
To make matters worse poof bags and fit mare went off together in the lorry and he told me later GI Jo had taken them to the cross country course. Life is SO unfair!! I LOVE XC! It’s my forte (d’ya like my big words?!). Poofy is the dressage circle queen and I am the Destroyer the XC machine. He wets himself if he sees a stick in the road – these delicate types are not meant to be allowed onto cross country courses – that should be left to real men……like me!
To make things even more depressing Fit mare is well into poof bags at the minute and has taken to calling out to him all the time. Life sucks. We have got a date this afternoon but I swear if she mentions that dark brooding plank of a brother of mine even once I’m so going to bite her scrumptious bum…………
 
Bite her bum Hovis!!
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She is just not worthy of you and as for Poof Bags - well you know what we think of him
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Sorry to hear your mum is trying to make you do those circles - my mum does that to and I pretend I can't canter small circles
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.......but she says thats rollocks (something to do with boats I think?
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) as I can spin on a sixpence in canter when we are playing in the fields..........
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Inca xxx
 
Dear Hovis,

I think you need to start treating your mum with a bit more respect. She feeds you, loves you and only makes you do a little bit of exercise everyday (think how big your chunky clydesdale bum would get if she didn't
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)

I have tried the disrespect thing and well, I have failed. It didn't get me the life of pampered luxury I would so like to become accustomed to. Instead I got sold. I leave for pastures new next week and I fear that I will never be able to read your diaries again.
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Take care Hovis and love to Poof Bags,

India xx
 
Darling Hovis

Bite the bitch - I hate her.

If you would like, I can show you the shoulder move I use on Stinky if I feel he is getting too much hay, being a girl of ample proportions, the minute my shoulder hits him, he goes flying - great fun.
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I am in big trouble. Mummy said that as it is a bit cooler and windy, we can come out of our body bags. To celebrate, I gave Stinky the grooming of his life and got a bit carried away and have removed 3" of his mane - I think the spiky bits standing up look cool, but Mummy screamed at said some very nasty things about me.

To make it worse, the nice vet came out and apparently I am now only 1/10 lame so back to work. I did try trampling fat midget last night when she led me back to the stables - I was hungry, so ended up doing 5 mins on that long rein which I am not happy with.

Now Daddy is going to start the NH lessons again - having to go backwards between poles and letting him think I am submitting and he is in charge is a bit of a bore.

Finally I am sorry about Timmy, I do believe that one day, all us Clydesdales will meet up in clydie heaven and it will be nice to meet Timmy and Cairo, perhaps we can gang up and do the shoulder move over the huge pile of haylege so we can eat the lot?

Keep well my big hunky boy

Farra Clydesdale xxxx
 
Dear Hovis,

I understand your frustration about the canter circles. I'm getting lots of those too at the moment, and if I don't start cantering quick enough, I get smacked! Also the Carrot Lady doesn't like it if I try to make different, more interesting shapes than circles; she can pull something horrible.

Carrots,
the Spooky Pony
 
My Dearest Darling Hovis,

Whilst I am generally not in favour of Trade, a lady has her standards after l, a big banker does sound rather grand! Human has taken to complaint about a 'cooking hitch' - I think she was trying to communicate something to me; she obviously has yet to realize the amount of concentration it takes to spin, reverse at high speed and passage sideways, especially that early in the morning. I have to say that her choice of expletives when I attempted to carve a new root through a six foot hedge was somewhat choice; I think it might have been after the fourth attempt to mimic a hedgehog that the air grew distinctly blue - apparently Human does not appreciate Piaffes Amongst the Brambly Hedge. Just no fun.

I have to say, I would simply love to see your manly self hurtling across a cross country course. Maybe suggest that GI Joe put his terribly vulgar little self where his mouth is and he take you? Just an idea, but one I am sure will warm the cockles of your heart. Poofbags could never cope.

Well my dearest, I am afraid I must rest now. Human had taken to speed work to try and keep my interest... I think she was a little put out when, after galloping up the drive I was not the slightest bit out of breath. I really must insist though that Human learns the aids for 'gallop' - I simply cannot be seen out on The Field with someone whose idea of the gallop aid is to lean toward and shout in my ear 'Come on Dizz! You can do it!'. The point is Human, I know I can 'do it, but the question has to be 'can you?'.

So, sweetest Hovis, I hope this communique found you well and not suffering any nasty side effects - please don't work too hard at being a banker.

Warmest regards,

The Dizzy One xx
 
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