Hovis' friday diary

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Hovis_and_SidsMum

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Dear diary
I do not know what I have done to my father. I try to be a good boy, not tread on his toes, try not to laugh when he gets bitten by the biting fence and what do I get in return? Nearly killed that’s what. But more on that in a minute.
As I told you last week Dad took me jumping on Saturday back to the place where mum likes to flash her knickers. Thankfully she managed to keep her underwear under wraps this time and Dad and I were left to do some jumping. Now the course is on grass and quite spread out which I like as it means I can get a lot of speed up between jumps. And I do mean a LOT. This didn’t go down well with Dad, who unlike mum does like to canter courses - just it appears not at warp speed. Three rounds later I think he’d finally come around to my way of thinking and was letting me get on with my job. Well either that or he was too exhausted to fight with me anymore? Either way we did ok but I didn’t make the jump off – mum said I only kissed the pole that fell. This is incorrect as I kicked it with my foot and last time I kissed something I swear it involved tongues? Mum is strange…..
On the way home we had a drama as there was a big dog running about in the road. Because my mum and dad are so nice they parked the horse box in the middle of the road and went after the dog. Excuse me?! How is it ok to use me and my executive accommodation to stop oncoming traffic? Anyway mum caught the dog and it turned out to be one of the doggies that chase foxes. They’d be out exercising and he’d got left behind. Ooops. Anyway Mum and Dad got him back to where he lived so that all ended well.
I had the day off on Sunday to recover – more likely for dads arms to go back to normal length. Then on Monday Dad and I went for a hack – on our own……..again. But this time he truly tried to kill me. We went the route where we have to cross the metal snakes lair TWICE! At the first crossing all was well although I swear I saw mum in her car at the side of the road? Then we cut across a big field towards the other end of the lair. We were just coming to the end of the field when a metal insect came towards us! It was like a big yellow metal spider! It had huge arms and I swear fangs, it had certainly already eaten a man as I could see him in its belly………. I tried to get us away but Dad was obviously in the mood to die so made me go past it. Apparently this breed is called a crop sprayer and isn’t dangerous – yeeaah RIGHT! Tell that to the bloke it had eaten! Then as we approached the second crossing there was a beeping noise and the gates to the snakes home shut. What happened next was so traumatic I will have nightmares for weeks. TWO great big snakes went past, then a big red Hovis eating tractor snuck up behind us and three smiling assassins on those bike things joined it. It was terrifying. Dad kept insisting that I had to stay where I was and I can tell you I was not keen on that idea AT ALL. Then as the snakes lair opened again a BUS came the other way! By this time I was seriously thinking of jumping into mums car with her and demanding a lift home. I can man up with the best of them but this was utter madness! If it was a test of my toughness I submit. Call me a pansy and dress me in dresses but don’t make me do that again. EVER. Then as we got past all these horrible things the big spraying thing in the field wee’d on me……… By this stage I was so stressed I didn’t really care but the indignity of it will stay with me for life. Not that my life will be very much longer if Dad has his way. He is a LOON. Mum please get sound soon – you may be weird but at least I don’t think you want to finish me off.
Then yesterday to confirm his desire to kill me Dad took me in the school in 200 degree heat and made me do TRANSITIONS. Lots and lots and lots and lots of them. Even walk to canter. When I didn’t do it really quick he hit me on the bum with a whip! Now I’m sorry but for a big boy like me it takes some effort to switch from front wheel to rear wheel drive so less of the whip father dearest. Mind you mum wasn’t much better – she reckons that someone called Carl Nester says you should do 100 transitions per schooling session. Great my mother is taking riding advice from big bird……. I am DOOMED.
 
Brilliant Hovis, just brilliant.
PS. Did you know that your Mum has borrowed your logon and plastered the forum with pictures of you, now we all know what the hooves behind the keyboard look like and may I say, what a seriously hunky boy you are. Life is so not fair sometimes, literary talent and good looks, you are so wasted doing transitions:)
 
Poor poor boy, sounds like you need your mothers love after all those scary things, but hey you did it so you can't be too much of a pansy !

As for the transitions, it will help you carry yourself better so you look even better to all the mares ;)

Nice one Hovis, bought a smile to my Friday as usual :D
 
MyBoyChe said:
Brilliant Hovis, just brilliant.
PS. Did you know that your Mum has borrowed your logon and plastered the forum with pictures of you, now we all know what the hooves behind the keyboard look like and may I say, what a seriously hunky boy you are. Life is so not fair sometimes, literary talent and good looks, you are so wasted doing transitions:)
Click to expand...

I wasn't aware of this no. Has knowing what I look like put you off?
I agree I am wasted doing transitions, I don't care what that Nester man says they are PANTS. Can I come and live with you?
 
No Hovis, I am not put off at all, you are one seriously handsome horse. It would be a pleasure to have you come and live with my little TB although I think you should really stay where you are, you know, your Mum would be heartbroken if you left, she loves you loads. Im sure you will come up with a plan to put an end to all this schooling stuff and I look forward to reading about it.
 
Hovis

I have been drooling over your pics - you are one good looking chap - shame we can't make babies.

You were very cute as a baby, bit like me, big head and knees and skinhead legs. Now we are in our full hairy glory and have turned out to be swans.

Think you would like my Dad, he is a huge softy and his fav way of spending time with me is to go for a nice walk and let me eat the juicy grass on the bridleway and cuddle me. Next year he is going to do something called western riding with me.

Love you, you big hunk

Farra Clydesdale xxx
 
Hi Hovis,
Just lent the laptop to some of the horses, they wanted to talk to you.
TG x

~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Hovis

Just wanted to say that, as a ladyhorse, I think you are quite handsome! Would you like to come to the haybar with me sometime?

Bonnie Coblet xx
~~~~~~~~~~~
Hovis,

I am borrowing this log on from Bonnie Coblet and thelwell_girl.

I would just like to say that I share your outrage at having to do transitions! TG was sitting on me on Wednesday and I swear she did 50,000 transitions in the space of the lesson. It was kinda fun, but she made me WORK! I was very annoyed that she decided to do this, but afterwards we had some cuddle time in my stable as she took my tack off. After she put my leg warmers away we had a bit of a snuggle and a mint or two :) I'm sure your Mum and Dad do this after scary things with you (and who doesn't like MINTS!) :)

Carrots,

Dawi the Welsh D
 
Hovis_and_SidsMum said:
I wasn't aware of this no. Has knowing what I look like put you off?
I agree I am wasted doing transitions, I don't care what that Nester man says they are PANTS. Can I come and live with you?
Click to expand...

Certainly not, it just reinforces that only silly racehorse types actually enjoy transitions, and that a lesser horse would have been much more of a pansy about the snake and the giant spider (and lets face it, who ACTUALLY like spiders?).

Carrots, Ron
 
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