Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear diary
Since I used last weeks diary to impart our important news then I have two weeks on antics to bring you up to speed on. I shall try to summarise as best I can.
I have been out a few more time shacking with Aunty Sarah, Dad and here comes the Hot Stepper. He is still behaving like a large fruit tart and being scared of stupid things. Why do I have to accompany the lunatics out hacking? Mum doesnt make me do these things its all Dads doing. Anyway I lived to tell the tale so I suppose all is well.
I also saw Evil Army Man in his other guise as Evil Army Man who does teeth. Frilly had her teeth done too and was jumping about like a fairy on an electric fence. I then showed her how real men do it by having the electric tools in my mouth and standing rock still. My feet didnt move a millimetre. This was mainly due to mum telling me if I embarrassed her by behaving like a twit I was not having any tea. In my case such a threat does focus my mind .. EAM said once again what a dude I was but suggested I was looking like Id out on a tiny bit of weight. Great! Thanks you evil evil man. Mum will now starve me again to ensure my muscled perfection (in her eyes) is restored. A boy can go off someone rather quickly.
The following day I went out hacking with my main wingman Billy and my lord did we need each other! We were trotting along down quite a busy road when we all heard something coming behind us. Aunty C turned round and quietly suggested we all might want to get off the road as something unusual was coming. Quick as a flash we piled into a gateway and turned round to see what contraption had made the usually unflappable Aunty C think twice. It was a pair of stairs. Big stairs. On wheels. Being pulled by the big yellow short truck thing. Mum said they were airline steps but how she knew who owned them I have no idea. All I know is they were very odd. We then chased them up the road (well trotted after them) until we turned off to go down the bridleway. All was going fine til we rode through a gang of very large black flies who attacked me and blinded mum. Luckily I saved the day and rescued us from this ambush but it was a close run thing.
The next day Dad took me out on my own (which I am not a fan of anyway) it was very very windy and things had changed. I dont know who the two smiling idiots on all the banners were but why did they have to have so many banners, flags and bunting things up for them? Was it a big birthday aprty? I was not keen on any of this because I think the whole village had been invited the flags and things were EVERYWHERE. I was not a happy boy I can tell you.
So after subjecting me to such trauma the least I thought they could do was give me the next day off alas mother had other ideas and I was forced to play the role of seaside donkey for the day. Well I was forced to let uncle Lee and Aunty Jess ride me. By ride I mean cling on whilst dad forces me to walk round on the end of the leadrope and occasionally have a small trot which usually ends up with Aunty Jess screaming like a banshee in my ear and promptly nearly falling off. I mean what an insult to an international show jumping and xc legend I bet that Moorlands Dorrito bloke doesnt have to give rides to muppets? I may not know who my Dad was but is there any need to treat me like muffin the mule?
Since then I have had a few days off as mum has been away so boss lady Sarah has been looking after me. Bliss. Ive moved fields, have more grass and have not worked. This is all due to change the afternnon the dreaded D word has been mentioned and I think mum is learning a test. I think mother should really learn to ride before she takes and tests but heh no one ever asks me.
So all that remains to say is a very big thank you to those of you who have had the intelligence to buy my book. What geniuses you are for wanting to see more of my talent and for helping the poor horses. One of you highly intelligent people has suggested I should run for prime minister an excellent sentiment that my mother doesnt appear to echo. But just in case I am allowed to run I have come up with the following ideas:
1. An AV vote (Alternative vegetation) answering the big question should we be also be allowed swede in addition to carrots
2. A ban on anything not NHS (Not Hovis Style). This will include pink rugs, anything diamante and overreach boots
3. This will be captured under a QUANGO. Quite Ugly And Naff Gear Offense and be punishable by parents being forced to wear matchy matchy pink shellsuits and bling to see how they like it
4. A ban on any further cuts hair cuts that is. Big bushy manes and unruly feathers should be permitted and any basin cuts will result in mothers been locked in the casa del pero.
5. I also want the EURO Enormous Unending Repast Offered for all.
I need to work on these but have appointed Tom, Billy and Hot Stepper as my campaign managers so I will begin my plan for global domination as soon as I have finished writing this, oh and got Dolly to scratch that bit on my bum I cant reach ..and possibly had a roll or two. Thining of these things takes time. Laters.
Since I used last weeks diary to impart our important news then I have two weeks on antics to bring you up to speed on. I shall try to summarise as best I can.
I have been out a few more time shacking with Aunty Sarah, Dad and here comes the Hot Stepper. He is still behaving like a large fruit tart and being scared of stupid things. Why do I have to accompany the lunatics out hacking? Mum doesnt make me do these things its all Dads doing. Anyway I lived to tell the tale so I suppose all is well.
I also saw Evil Army Man in his other guise as Evil Army Man who does teeth. Frilly had her teeth done too and was jumping about like a fairy on an electric fence. I then showed her how real men do it by having the electric tools in my mouth and standing rock still. My feet didnt move a millimetre. This was mainly due to mum telling me if I embarrassed her by behaving like a twit I was not having any tea. In my case such a threat does focus my mind .. EAM said once again what a dude I was but suggested I was looking like Id out on a tiny bit of weight. Great! Thanks you evil evil man. Mum will now starve me again to ensure my muscled perfection (in her eyes) is restored. A boy can go off someone rather quickly.
The following day I went out hacking with my main wingman Billy and my lord did we need each other! We were trotting along down quite a busy road when we all heard something coming behind us. Aunty C turned round and quietly suggested we all might want to get off the road as something unusual was coming. Quick as a flash we piled into a gateway and turned round to see what contraption had made the usually unflappable Aunty C think twice. It was a pair of stairs. Big stairs. On wheels. Being pulled by the big yellow short truck thing. Mum said they were airline steps but how she knew who owned them I have no idea. All I know is they were very odd. We then chased them up the road (well trotted after them) until we turned off to go down the bridleway. All was going fine til we rode through a gang of very large black flies who attacked me and blinded mum. Luckily I saved the day and rescued us from this ambush but it was a close run thing.
The next day Dad took me out on my own (which I am not a fan of anyway) it was very very windy and things had changed. I dont know who the two smiling idiots on all the banners were but why did they have to have so many banners, flags and bunting things up for them? Was it a big birthday aprty? I was not keen on any of this because I think the whole village had been invited the flags and things were EVERYWHERE. I was not a happy boy I can tell you.
So after subjecting me to such trauma the least I thought they could do was give me the next day off alas mother had other ideas and I was forced to play the role of seaside donkey for the day. Well I was forced to let uncle Lee and Aunty Jess ride me. By ride I mean cling on whilst dad forces me to walk round on the end of the leadrope and occasionally have a small trot which usually ends up with Aunty Jess screaming like a banshee in my ear and promptly nearly falling off. I mean what an insult to an international show jumping and xc legend I bet that Moorlands Dorrito bloke doesnt have to give rides to muppets? I may not know who my Dad was but is there any need to treat me like muffin the mule?
Since then I have had a few days off as mum has been away so boss lady Sarah has been looking after me. Bliss. Ive moved fields, have more grass and have not worked. This is all due to change the afternnon the dreaded D word has been mentioned and I think mum is learning a test. I think mother should really learn to ride before she takes and tests but heh no one ever asks me.
So all that remains to say is a very big thank you to those of you who have had the intelligence to buy my book. What geniuses you are for wanting to see more of my talent and for helping the poor horses. One of you highly intelligent people has suggested I should run for prime minister an excellent sentiment that my mother doesnt appear to echo. But just in case I am allowed to run I have come up with the following ideas:
1. An AV vote (Alternative vegetation) answering the big question should we be also be allowed swede in addition to carrots
2. A ban on anything not NHS (Not Hovis Style). This will include pink rugs, anything diamante and overreach boots
3. This will be captured under a QUANGO. Quite Ugly And Naff Gear Offense and be punishable by parents being forced to wear matchy matchy pink shellsuits and bling to see how they like it
4. A ban on any further cuts hair cuts that is. Big bushy manes and unruly feathers should be permitted and any basin cuts will result in mothers been locked in the casa del pero.
5. I also want the EURO Enormous Unending Repast Offered for all.
I need to work on these but have appointed Tom, Billy and Hot Stepper as my campaign managers so I will begin my plan for global domination as soon as I have finished writing this, oh and got Dolly to scratch that bit on my bum I cant reach ..and possibly had a roll or two. Thining of these things takes time. Laters.
