Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear diary
I am writing this early today as I might not survive to write it later. My mother is about to put me to certain death and so as I write, with tears in my eyes, its been nice knowing you all.
This all started on Tuesday when to quote my mother I blotted my copy book according to wise Tom this means pooing on a page. How I managed this I have no idea my version of events is somewhat different. Dad and Aunty Sarah decided to take me and Hot Stepper out for a hack on Tuesday evening. Now Im not speaking to the prancing pillock anyway as he has copped off with Dolly and she is swooning over him. All because hes been put in the field next to her. How this is fair I have NO idea but the high stepping traitor was not in my good books. Anyway we got halfway down the track and there it was a GIANT orange thing blocking our path. I immediately took control of the situation turned round and high tailed it for home. Alas Dad was once again in idiot mode and so a 5 minute battle of wills ensued in which he wanted to go past it and I didnt. Hot Stepper was similarly not keen and as a result tragically a lot of onions in the field were killed. Now at this point I have to point out that despite Dads description I did NOT rear. My back end went down a rut and so the front end may have felt like it came up a bit its not my fault its the see-saw effect .
Anyway Dad and Aunty Sarah decided that too many onions were dying in vain so they turned us round and went back. Phew thought I. Alas no. After 40 minutes beasting in the school Dad and Mum armed with a lunge line, a very large whip and some treats frog marched me back to the orange machine of death and made me spend 30 minutes going past it, up to it and generally cavort around it. I was NOT impressed but by this stage had accepted my fate.
So every night this week after we have finished prancing round cones like some sort of ballet dancing traffic warden, mum has got off me and made me walk down to the orange machine of death. I have to admit by this stage I had realised that perhaps it wasnt going to kill me but heh if mum wants to give me treats for going near it then thats fine. Last night however I may have revealed Im not that scared of it and actually turned it on. I was getting a bit cocky and mouthed one of the lever things. Cue a sudden funny noise, mum squeaking like a startled vole and frantically trying to figure out which lever it was Id pressed. Oooopppppps.
Mind you I was less than impressed with mother yesterday as it was. Firstly she drags me inside and subjects me to 40 minutes of scrubbing my feathers, the backs of my knees and my legs. I was NOT amused. Even less so when I realised shed used a different shampoo and now I smell like a coconut poof every time I move. Then she put me outside in the pouring rain so I resembled a drowned rat there is no wonder my pulling power has vanished. THEN Herman the German needle man came and stuck a whacking great needle in my neck. All in all Ive had better days. Even mum telling me that my book was in Horse Magazine didnt cheer me up although Herman has now realised he treats a mega star. Geez thats only taken him 3 years to realise whats up with the man? All this fame is not impressing the ladies though Frilly is just being a tart with anything with a tail and Dolly has gone off with Hot Stepper boy. Life sucks.
Mind you life might be about to come to an end this morning as mum has informed me that come Hell or High Water Im riding past the orange machine of death this morning. Now since the high water arrived yesterday I can only assume that Hell is due today. Id heard people say my mother was a witch (or was it a B it started with?) but this is insane. So if I dont make it past the great big scary thing with the hissing metal pipe work and the cascade of water or indeed Hell does arrive, its been nice writing to you.
A very nervous Hovis signing out.
I am writing this early today as I might not survive to write it later. My mother is about to put me to certain death and so as I write, with tears in my eyes, its been nice knowing you all.
This all started on Tuesday when to quote my mother I blotted my copy book according to wise Tom this means pooing on a page. How I managed this I have no idea my version of events is somewhat different. Dad and Aunty Sarah decided to take me and Hot Stepper out for a hack on Tuesday evening. Now Im not speaking to the prancing pillock anyway as he has copped off with Dolly and she is swooning over him. All because hes been put in the field next to her. How this is fair I have NO idea but the high stepping traitor was not in my good books. Anyway we got halfway down the track and there it was a GIANT orange thing blocking our path. I immediately took control of the situation turned round and high tailed it for home. Alas Dad was once again in idiot mode and so a 5 minute battle of wills ensued in which he wanted to go past it and I didnt. Hot Stepper was similarly not keen and as a result tragically a lot of onions in the field were killed. Now at this point I have to point out that despite Dads description I did NOT rear. My back end went down a rut and so the front end may have felt like it came up a bit its not my fault its the see-saw effect .
Anyway Dad and Aunty Sarah decided that too many onions were dying in vain so they turned us round and went back. Phew thought I. Alas no. After 40 minutes beasting in the school Dad and Mum armed with a lunge line, a very large whip and some treats frog marched me back to the orange machine of death and made me spend 30 minutes going past it, up to it and generally cavort around it. I was NOT impressed but by this stage had accepted my fate.
So every night this week after we have finished prancing round cones like some sort of ballet dancing traffic warden, mum has got off me and made me walk down to the orange machine of death. I have to admit by this stage I had realised that perhaps it wasnt going to kill me but heh if mum wants to give me treats for going near it then thats fine. Last night however I may have revealed Im not that scared of it and actually turned it on. I was getting a bit cocky and mouthed one of the lever things. Cue a sudden funny noise, mum squeaking like a startled vole and frantically trying to figure out which lever it was Id pressed. Oooopppppps.
Mind you I was less than impressed with mother yesterday as it was. Firstly she drags me inside and subjects me to 40 minutes of scrubbing my feathers, the backs of my knees and my legs. I was NOT amused. Even less so when I realised shed used a different shampoo and now I smell like a coconut poof every time I move. Then she put me outside in the pouring rain so I resembled a drowned rat there is no wonder my pulling power has vanished. THEN Herman the German needle man came and stuck a whacking great needle in my neck. All in all Ive had better days. Even mum telling me that my book was in Horse Magazine didnt cheer me up although Herman has now realised he treats a mega star. Geez thats only taken him 3 years to realise whats up with the man? All this fame is not impressing the ladies though Frilly is just being a tart with anything with a tail and Dolly has gone off with Hot Stepper boy. Life sucks.
Mind you life might be about to come to an end this morning as mum has informed me that come Hell or High Water Im riding past the orange machine of death this morning. Now since the high water arrived yesterday I can only assume that Hell is due today. Id heard people say my mother was a witch (or was it a B it started with?) but this is insane. So if I dont make it past the great big scary thing with the hissing metal pipe work and the cascade of water or indeed Hell does arrive, its been nice writing to you.
A very nervous Hovis signing out.
