Hovis_and_SidsMum
Well-Known Member
Dear diary
I have decided that the man upstairs is not a man. It's a woman. It has to be. Only a woman could decide to listen to our pleas to end the down pour only to send such an arctic blast my ginggang goolies have frozen off. It's not funny. A boy has dangly bits that could get frost bitten, talking two octaves higher with a frozen chippolata is no way to attract the ladies.
The combination of the wet then the freezing cold has had it's up side though, mum has been unable to beast me senseless as the school has been so flooded that we were thinking of entering ourselves into the next water polo championships. Although I did draw e line at wearing one of those hats that make you look bald.
She did manage to lunge me last night so I suspect the weekend may bring all sorts of horrors.
Talking of horrors. It's nearly that time of year again and I think it's high time we discussed the situation. You know what I'm talking about, that's right kissmuss. And you humans infernal desire to decorate our stables and even worse us.
Here are some rules you might want to think about:
1. Tinsel is for trees. I am not a tree. Thus making me go out in public with sparkly rope stuff tied to me is cruel. I look like I have been mugged by a bunch of festive maypole dancers. It's not necessary. Period.
2. I am a horse. I am not an elf, santas helper, a reindeer or any other festive type creature. Wearing antlers is not cute it's a breach of my equine rights. After the last session of being made to sport them it took six months for Dolly to stop singing there's a moose loose about this hoose every time I walked past.
3. Going out to any form of event dressed as the above creatures accompanied by either parent dressed in inappropriate clothing is plain wrong. Seeing my mother in jodphurs is bad enough, seeing her prancing about in green tights like Robin Hood in drag is enough to give a boy nightmares.
4. My stable is my castle. I do not tell you how to decorate your bedroom so get your baubles and sparkly stuff and stick them up your chimney. I want to attract women into my man cave not look like I'm opening the shop front for effeminate equines.
5. I like presents. The bigger the better. I do not like presents wrapped in girlie coloured paper in a sock. That is teasing and more importantly makes me look like I have an undergarment fetish. Being referred to as a stocking sniffer is not helpful in the girl pulling department.
6. Talking of pulling - crackers. I am a) not a performing seal and b) not fond of things that make cracking noises in my face. If I wanted to be assaulted by a loud noise and funny smell I'd stand down wind from Hot Stepper after he's had speedi beet...
So before you festoon your faithful steed in sparkly rope and "endearing" antlers just remember we horses have rights, even at Christmas..........
Laters. Xx
I have decided that the man upstairs is not a man. It's a woman. It has to be. Only a woman could decide to listen to our pleas to end the down pour only to send such an arctic blast my ginggang goolies have frozen off. It's not funny. A boy has dangly bits that could get frost bitten, talking two octaves higher with a frozen chippolata is no way to attract the ladies.
The combination of the wet then the freezing cold has had it's up side though, mum has been unable to beast me senseless as the school has been so flooded that we were thinking of entering ourselves into the next water polo championships. Although I did draw e line at wearing one of those hats that make you look bald.
She did manage to lunge me last night so I suspect the weekend may bring all sorts of horrors.
Talking of horrors. It's nearly that time of year again and I think it's high time we discussed the situation. You know what I'm talking about, that's right kissmuss. And you humans infernal desire to decorate our stables and even worse us.
Here are some rules you might want to think about:
1. Tinsel is for trees. I am not a tree. Thus making me go out in public with sparkly rope stuff tied to me is cruel. I look like I have been mugged by a bunch of festive maypole dancers. It's not necessary. Period.
2. I am a horse. I am not an elf, santas helper, a reindeer or any other festive type creature. Wearing antlers is not cute it's a breach of my equine rights. After the last session of being made to sport them it took six months for Dolly to stop singing there's a moose loose about this hoose every time I walked past.
3. Going out to any form of event dressed as the above creatures accompanied by either parent dressed in inappropriate clothing is plain wrong. Seeing my mother in jodphurs is bad enough, seeing her prancing about in green tights like Robin Hood in drag is enough to give a boy nightmares.
4. My stable is my castle. I do not tell you how to decorate your bedroom so get your baubles and sparkly stuff and stick them up your chimney. I want to attract women into my man cave not look like I'm opening the shop front for effeminate equines.
5. I like presents. The bigger the better. I do not like presents wrapped in girlie coloured paper in a sock. That is teasing and more importantly makes me look like I have an undergarment fetish. Being referred to as a stocking sniffer is not helpful in the girl pulling department.
6. Talking of pulling - crackers. I am a) not a performing seal and b) not fond of things that make cracking noises in my face. If I wanted to be assaulted by a loud noise and funny smell I'd stand down wind from Hot Stepper after he's had speedi beet...
So before you festoon your faithful steed in sparkly rope and "endearing" antlers just remember we horses have rights, even at Christmas..........
Laters. Xx
as always.
