Hovis' Friday diary

Hovis_and_SidsMum

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Dear Diary
I know it is the season of Christmas madness and I should be feeling love towards all men / women but honest to god I think my mother has totally lost the plot.
The weather has continued to play havoc with mothers plans to work me to the size of a TB which suits me fine. Being cold enough to freeze my dingle dangly bits off is not fun but it is almost preferable to being made to prance around in circles like a big hairy fairy.
Aunty Sam managed to get me out for a hack last weekend accompanied by the biggest fairy of them all my supposed wingman Hot Stepper. The boy is about as solid as a wing on a paper plane..... In the rain. I wouldn't trust him to save me from the tractors of terror - he'd be too busy practising his high kneed prancing. Needless to say after not doing too much work last week I was a little keen and reports when back to mum that I was being a strong, bolshy opinionated big git. Personally I didn't see the problem but mother was not amused.

She desperately wanted to work me earlier in the week but alas the school was frozen. Oh dear. How I cried. No really I did that wind was biting and made my eyes water. I like to think it made my big brown eyes all soft and emotional. Dolly told me I looked like I'd got conjunctivitis. I do sometimes wonder what I see in that girl.....
Anyway on weds aunt Sarah took Hot Stepper into the school and judged it hard but not unreadable. Alas mother had not got her riding clothes on so instead out came the lunge line. After getting me all tied up in my lunging gear mum then thought the school was in fact too hard to lunge me in small circles. So not to be deterred she jogged around the school for 30 minutes making me trot up on the outside track. Seriously. I haven't been so embarrassed since Herman the german fondled my man sausage in public. Mother was breathing like an asthmatic on a trampoline, I was steaming like a pair of wet socks in a sauna and Dolly was nearly falling over from laughing. Mum didn't seem to care and pointed out something was better than nothing. FOR WHO?! It was the horse equivalent of having your mother skip down the road with you to school wearing her nightie and singing always look on the bring side of life. The other horses think she's barking mad. She may have been saving my joints but the last shreds of my street cred are down the toilet. I want to curl up and die.
Even cool new shoes man looked at her yesterday as if she needed a nice new coat: one that does up at the back and has nice cuff detailing.
I am at least hoping to go out for. Aback both tomorrow and Sunday but I swear if she makes me put on antlers on anything else I will be looking for a new secretary - mum wont be able to type after I've buried her in a ditch.......


Yours dying of embarrassment
 
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Jenni_

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Morning Hovis!

Don't worry, I tore the ligaments in my ankle getting Dash in from the field and he had to carry me back, sobbing and making funny puffy-pain relieving noises. By the look on his face I think he was telling everyone he had me on day release....

So in comparison I don't think you have any reason to be embarassed!
 

TrasaM

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Dear Hovis. You are not alone. This time of year humans become a tad strange. I suspect that they are not getting sufficient exercise or turnout and this has a very negative effect on their behaviour. I'm a similar build to your good self and I am starving. Ive tried telling them by constantly grabbing every bit of greenery I come across when I go out but that blasted woman just insists I'm a greedy git.
I've got a few tips for you old chap. Listen carefully. The best way to get these annoying humans off your back so you can trundle off and have a quiet graze without any nagging, is to drag them through a conveniently placed hedge or just use the fence to wipe them off. Throw in a few good bucks first so that they are already a bit shaken up. Remember to look suitably contrite when they catch up. Big brown eyes are a major bonus here so you should be ok. It'll be difficult for them to believe that it was deliberate. Good luck and remember, we are not fat, we are big boned. Don't let them get you down :D
 

Dollysox

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Poor Hovis! Haven't you worked out yet that mums are specifically there to embarass you? I strongly suspect that antlers and tinsel will be on the agenda at some point in the next couple of weeks!
 

FanyDuChamp

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Hi Hovis,
What you need now is some new wing horses/ponies, little ones who will help your mum keep her attentions on someone else so you can chat up Dolly. Where to find these small helpers, well ask mum she may know of some.
Ever devoted
Fany xx
 

DarenCogdon

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Dear Hovis

Your mum made me aware of your diary entries, so I've ended up buying the books!

Look forward to reading more of your (mis)adventures soon! :)
 
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