How can I stop my daughter crying - I just don't know what to say

Ravenwood

Ravenwood

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She's in floods and floods of tears and it's all my fault. In November we were offered a pony on loan and my daughter has worked so hard with her all through this shite winter, riding whenever she could, schooling, attending every PC rally going. She won her first W&T, she came 6th in her first Prelim against adults (beat me!), she started jumping and turned the pony into a super fit wonderful pony.

This pony is adorable, beautiful, kind natured, naughty, cheeky and mischeiveous.

The owners circumstances changed and now they require the pony back which they are perfectly entitled to do so - its their pony. This is all my fault, I should never, ever have taken a pony on loan. I should have known this could/would happen and its was ridiculously unfair of me to put my daughter in this position. I feel so god awful guilty and upset for her. I just don't know what to say.

I told my daughter a week ago that the pony was going and she has been so blase and cavalier about it - I should have known she wasn't allowing herself to think about it but now it has all come out as pony is going Saturday morning and she is inconsolable
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She will get over it! When she has calmed down a bit remind her of the fun she has had and how much she has learnt this winter. She is now ready to take on a pony of her own (start saving) and will be much better at dealing with it after this experienc.
 
I think it's vey off of someone to loan their pony out in time for all the hard work and expense of winter just to take it back in time for the reward of summer! Can't you appeal to their better nature and ask to keep it until at least the end of the summer hols?!
Only other option is to buy her her own I guess!!
My advice to all loaners would be to have a minimum fixed period covering both summer & winter, so its fair to both parties, otherwise we'd all be loaning our horses out in October and asking for them back in April !!.
 
Awww what a shame
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Maybe if you can go pony shopping asap it will help her, and it will be all her own.
Even start looking at the adverts etc.

I cried when my loan pony went back and I was 15 lol.
 
I remember when I was in the situation your daughter is in..I sobbed and sobbed until I couldnt cry anymore...and every day I cried a bit less until I got over it. She will be ok
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I cannot blame the owners - something very unforeseen happened and I can understand why they want her back. This is the risk you take when having a pony on loan.
 
OK - well at 12, I think, harsh as it sounds, she is just going to have to dust herself down and get over it. You will have taught her a valuable life lesson. Try talking about some of the great riders who have had horses pulled from under them on the verge of the Olympics, or Badminton.
Had she been like 7 I would have said hugs and treats, but 12, to me, is get real time.
She will cry, but she will always have good memories. She does need to learn to move on, and stay positive.
Don't blame yourself, or you'll teach her to blame herself.
Don't abuse the loaner, you'll teach her to blame everyone but herself.
Just accept it, and if you can afford to look for one to buy, get involved in that. If you can't it's look for a loan time again. With all the joys and miseries that entails!
Some of the best riders in the world came up via that route (and so did I, but I'm utter rubbish, so that doesn't help!) - school of hard knocks. Polishes them like diamonds.

Just my opinion, obviously.
 
orr poor girl I really feel for you and her, but its really not your fault nor is it the owners, its just one of those things. I'm sure after a few days she will still be sad but will feel better also.
Remind her how well she's done with the pony and keep your eye out for another possible loan perhaps? longer term. I know you wouldn't want it to happen again though so your in sticky position.
I'm sure something will come up though, if she's good rider and 100 % committed then someone somewhere will sort you out with something surely.

Don't beat yourself up about it, have a good chat with her and like everyone said, go and have a look around and see whats out there to take her mind of it.
 
I am sorry Skewbald but I think it is a bit harsh to say at twelve it is get real time.
To be perfectly honest I don't think at 7 a child can fully appreciate the loss of a pony, maybe throw a tantrum or two but I doubt they have the mental capacity to accept loss as in they won't see that animal again or be involved in its care.
I think it is much harder on a 12 year old to be perfectly honest.
At that age girls are hormonal. Their bodies are going through so much both physically and mentally and have feelings that no 7 year old could never understand unless they had a very early puberty.
I am not being picky or personal but I just think your comment is a tad unjust towards the girl. Were you yourself not 12 years of age then at some stage?
Can you not remember how puberty was for you?
I have a daughter who is just a little bit older than she and I can state now that I have had a rollercoaster of emotions with her for the past two years.
Girls at that age can form strong attachments to friends, family and anything they love.
In this case the pony as it seems.
Her blase response was probably denial a little like how some people don't show emotion or cry when someone dies or something bad happens to them.
Ravenwood don't feel guilty it is not your fault it is just a sad fact of loaning. I have a horse on loan, permanent that is. I would never have agreed to anything less as I simply get too attached to let go of the things I grow to love, unless through death or on welfare grounds which is very different ( although hard).
I would try not to be too despondent and I would seriously think about what others have said. Your daughter clearly shows she is committed to riding so why don't you consider buying a pony instead. That way the decision to let go if you have to ( size or other reasons) lies with yourself and your daughter and not others.
In the meantime could you not just take your daughter out for a shopping spree ( if she likes it that is) to try and take her mind off it all for a little while until you can think ahead.
I hope you get yourselves sorted though and I am sorry to hear both you and your daughter are upset
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hugs ((( )))
Cazx
 
It is reality check time! Over the 30 years I have kept horses I have lost count to the number that I have said 'goodbye' to in one way or another....

If your daughter is planning a life with horses she needs to get used to the fact that horses come in to our lives, and then leave again.

Tell her that she has proved herself with this pony, and that you admire her comittment, skill and horsemanship.

Say that you were thinking it was time that she moved up a level anyway... and take her shopping for a new one. The new one will be lovely too, just in different ways.
 
I was twelve, and I had to ride borrowed ponies. Therefore I had to learn to take the rough with the smooth.
I have two daughters, one of whom is nearly twelve. She has to ride loaned ponies.
I am sorry you think my comments unjust, but it is just exactly what I would say to my daughter, and strange as it may seem, I do what I believe to be best for my children, in the round, I don't set out to be mean, I do set out to prepare them for life.
I am afraid I also will not encourage my daughter to use hormones as an excuse, as my mother did not encourage me to do so. I see far, far too much of that sort of thing. Good servants but poor masters, hormones.
But we are all entitled to our opinion, I did stress mine was just that, and you are of course entitled to think I am 'unjust' though frankly I think it a strange choice of word.
 
Firstly, it is not your fault. These things happen. Presumably at some point your daughter would have outgrown the pony anyway, so maybe the day you have to give him back has just come a bit quicker than expected. In some ways it makes me glad I didn't get my own horse until I was an adult so have never had to worry about outgrowing them.
I've given 3 much loved loan horses back. I appreciate its probably easier as an adult, but it does still hurt a lot. However, with time we get over things and move on.
I agree with many of the others, that if you are in a position to buy her a pony she will soon have a new focus although I'm sure she'll never forget her loan pony.
 
Oh it is a conundrum - do you buy a pony with the potential risk of daughter not bothering with it, or loan one to see how things go? Without the gift of second sight, you weren't to know how this was going to turn out. Many laons go on for ever! I think at 12 your daughter is at an age where it will hurt enormously; old enough to have strong emotions and to have really bonded with the horse, too young for teenage resilience. I do feel terribly sorry for her, but it isn't your fault. Make sure you have lots of photos of the pony, and a lock of hair. So sad.
 
QR

I am 27 and if my loan horse was taken away I would cry!!

A 12 year old child isn't going to be rational, have a heart
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i know it is very difficult for her but surely she knew that this could happen? i had a loan pony when i was 11 and from the word go my mum told me that they could ring up any day and ask for him back.
 
Its a shame they couldn't have given you more notice.

Can you find her a ride on another pony/horse in the immediate future? perhaps someone who has GCSEs coming up and can't ride every day ?

Stick an advert up in a couple of local tack shops, and ask around.
 
QR: - I must just stress again that I do not blame the owners at all or bear any grudge - no one can predict the future.

My daughter and I have discussed how beneficial Holly has been and improved my daughters riding no end - we have had loads of fun with this pony in the short time we have had her.

We have a 15hh who is a fantastic hack and hunter but absolutely hates PC, shows, jumping or any kind of schooling - she switches off and goes to sleep! However now my daughter is a much better and stronger rider (thanks to the pony) we will have another crack at the other this summer and see how we go.

Thank you to everyone for your kind and wise replies.
 
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If its possible, buy her a pony?

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I hope it is possible. My daughter was 13 when this happened to us. she has also worked so hard getting pony fit and working nicely then nasty horrid owners saw ££££ and broke her heart..

We were incredibly lucky and found a complete stranger to let us pay monthly ( post dated cheques with card number on) for an £800 pony who then became the most important thing in her life.
 
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QR

I am 27 and if my loan horse was taken away I would cry!!

A 12 year old child isn't going to be rational, have a heart
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But we are not talking to a 12 year old child, we are talking to her mother.
It is a mother's job to teach a child to grow up, face the world with a smile, take it on, and beat it at its own game.
I can. I must. I ought. I will.
No point crying over spilt milk, ducky. Fried egg sandwich, onward and upward! Zara will never know what hit her!
Next!
I *do* feel sorry for the child. Like I feel sorry for mine when sh*t happens. I just don't dwell on it. Group Hug and on to the next challenge.
 
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Its a shame they couldn't have given you more notice.



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How do you know how much notice they gave?..
 
Now that I do find offensive.
I am not abusive about you because of your opinion!
I find all this bleeding heart stuff absolutely bally useless, but you're all entitled to your opinions as I keep on saying.

My children are thankfully very happy to have me as their mother, as I was glad to have mine, who also talked a lot of sense.

I don't think there's any need to be personal and rude, to be honest.
 
This happened to me when I was about 11. He was the pony of a lifetime, taught me so much and I loved him dearly.

All I can say is, she will get over it but it will take time. Oh and she will probably take it out on you, as girls do
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I hope you find her something else soon.xx
 
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