How can I stop my daughter crying - I just don't know what to say

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I am so glad you are not my mother! The child is 12, gor goodness sake.
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Do you know, this has upset me so much, (and I am not easily upset,) that before I go to bed, I felt I had to say my piece.

I am aware, having been on both ends of the deal, that a girl of this age will be hysterical with rage and sadness.

But the OP is not the child in question *she is her mother* and the difference between you and me, is that I don't believe her mother will be doing her any favours by wailing and gnashing her teeth alongside her.
Any mother worthy of the name will, *of course* dispense cuddles, tea and sympathy to some extent, but 12 year old girls do not *need* any help to be overdramatic and full of woe, they manage it perfectly adequately on their own. Mum's job is to be chipper, keep looking to the future, and teach her daughter to take the rough with the smooth, and come up smiling.
I never said the kid wouldn't be heartbroken, I was talking to the mother.
Little children cry when they skin their knees. You don't cry with them, you find a Jammy Dodger and a plaster. In that order!
 
I'm sorry your daughter is upset and that you feel bad Ravenwood. Hopefully she will get on with your other horse or I'm sure another loan pony will come along if you pass the word around. Unfortunately it's the wrong time of year otherwise you could have had a trekking pony on winter loan. Girls get so fond of 'their' ponies!
 
I really feel for both of you.We are in the same position but fortunately have just been offered a extension of our loan for another year.I must admit we were very worried and feeling extremely nervous .Our owner wont sell us the horse because she feels my daughter will need to move onto something bigger pony is 14 2 and she wants to have control.
We had same problem as you previously about 2 years ago when my daughter was the same age and as you can see it all worked out for the best.This current pony is the best ever she is competing against 16 h horses at local shows and beating them and pc club which she would never have done on old loan pony.There is always something good to come out of something bad try and keep you spirits up.
We laugh about old pony now something I thought she would never be able to do it was real first love .
 
hugs to your daughter, I can understand that this must be hard for you both. I had a pony 'on loan' from the age of 7 to the age of 8....I had got him from jumping 2ft at a push to jumping 3ft6 + (12.2hh pony!). It all came to ahead when i had decided to take him on a sponsered ride, her daughter hadn't ridden for a good few months and without warning she turned up on the morning of the sponsered ride, her daughter in her riding gear...etc and said (although she had allready agreed to letting me take him!) that her daughter was going to ride, and I wasn't allowed to take himto the sponsered ride (everythign was allready in the lorry and we were nearly ready to go
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) My mum said there and then that she could find another rider for him, I was only 8 and that was VERY unfair of her... I know i cried, but i had good memories to hold onto, and they are what your daughter needs to hold onto, she needs to realise she may be losing something, but think of the experience she has gained, think about all the possibilites that pony has opened up for her! SHe needs to see the positive side of what is happening, which won't be easy at the moment, but it will get easier....honest.
 
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Any mother worthy of the name will, *of course* dispense cuddles, tea and sympathy to some extent, but 12 year old girls do not *need* any help to be overdramatic and full of woe, they manage it perfectly adequately on their own. Mum's job is to be chipper, keep looking to the future, and teach her daughter to take the rough with the smooth, and come up smiling.


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Thank you for the advice Skewbald on how to be a good Mother! You will be pleased to know that my daughter did indeed go to sleep with a smile on her face because we talked about getting the other pony going - looking to the future.

May I also point out though that you do not know my daughter and she is not over dramatic, over emotional or hysterical. In fact she is a very mature and well balanced child (perhaps that is because I am already a good mother) who is understandably upset about the imminent loss of her pony.
 
I think it's a GOOD thing that she's upset (Gosh, that sounds awful doesnt it?) because it shows her love and dedication for her ponies. And you should be proud to have a daughter who has a heart. I would arther have a child who threw themselves wholeheartedly into what they loved than one who went forth with a cold heart and no soul.

Criticising parenting skills is really below the belt...

anyway... pony shopping is the way to go. Maybe something via pony club?? Buy her a copy of horsemart and let her circle what she likes the look of. Make it very grown up for her...

I imagine the owners didnt do this on the spur of the moment, or through malice or anything, it would have to have been for very good reason, so letting your daughter know this might help.

Maybe the owner could write her a nice letter / card thanking her and praising her for the hard work she's done over the winter?

Hugs to your daughter xxx
 
I am very sorry for your daughter same thing happened to me when i was 18 and it was heart breaking but she'll get over it.

It does make me feel terrible though having just asked my loaners for my mare back, as things were not working out but they only had 3 mths to bond rather than leaving it and then making the decision to take her back. Just hope me doing so earlier makes it easier for the daughter in the long run, its a hrd thing to do from both sides of the fence thats for sure, hope your daughter feels better soon.
 
Blimey, Ravenwood, I had not intention of saying you weren't a good mother.

I was pretty cheesed off that because I tried to explain my personal opinion that mum needed to stay positive, Sooty saw fit to say 'I'm glad you're not my mother'

I do indeed feel very sorry for your daughter, you asked not, 'how bad does my daughter feel' but 'how can I stop her from crying' - I gave my opinion.

I won't do so again.
 
OK... I've read this a couple of times now and because a few people on this forum may know that the pony Ravenwood has on loan is mine I feel I'd just like to point out a couple of things...

As Ravenwood has pointed out, my circumstances have changed. I put my daughters' (also 12) pony out on loan as she had started riding my horse. My horse was pts at Christmas, leaving me and my daughter mortified and my daughter with nothing to ride. Its taken me till a few weeks back to ask for Holly back and it was extrememly hard and not something I'll ever be doing again..

Ravenwood and her daughter have done a fantastic job getting Holly fit and out and about but she was only overweight and unfit when they took her on, not useless. I did not send her away for the winter to get educated...she was already educated!

If this had happened at any other time of the year it would have been the same...in fact I was expecting her to have been handed back in the winter anyway.

Ravenwood was given plenty of notice. It was their choice as to when (within reason) the loan ended..they chose this Saturday..

I feel DREADFUL...even more so after this thread but I have my 12 yr old to think about too..

Sorry if that seems like a rant...but in that this is a public forum and people know the people/pony involved I thought I'd add my little bit even though I know I should've said nothing..
 
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Criticising parenting skills is really below the belt...



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I hope that wasn't aimed at me?

I didn't criticise anyone's parenting skills, I don't know either the mother or the daughter. I responded to a post saying 'how do I stop my daughter crying' by offering <font color="red"> my opinion </font> that the mum's job is to stay positive, and encourage her daughter to look to the future, which it seems, is exactly what ravenwood was doing.

I was then slated for not understanding how a 12 year old girl feels, which is total rubbish as a) I was one b) I have one and c) I happen to run a guide unit with quite a lot of them.

My oft repeated point is that, while I feel sorry for the child, and understand exactly how she feels, and I don't expect <font color="red"> the child </font> to be thinking 'never mind, chin up, soon be back in the ribbons!', I do happen to think <font color="red"> personally </font> that is the best attitude for a mother to take. An opinion, which was sought on a public message board.

Having offered my opinion, <font color="red"> I </font> had <font color="red"> my </font> parenting skills sneered at by Sooty saying 'I'm glad you're not my mother' - and yes, you are right. That is way below the belt.
 
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OK... I've read this a couple of times now and because a few people on this forum may know that the pony Ravenwood has on loan is mine I feel I'd just like to point out a couple of things...

As Ravenwood has pointed out, my circumstances have changed. I put my daughters' (also 12) pony out on loan as she had started riding my horse. My horse was pts at Christmas, leaving me and my daughter mortified and my daughter with nothing to ride. Its taken me till a few weeks back to ask for Holly back and it was extrememly hard and not something I'll ever be doing again..

Ravenwood and her daughter have done a fantastic job getting Holly fit and out and about but she was only overweight and unfit when they took her on, not useless. I did not send her away for the winter to get educated...she was already educated!

If this had happened at any other time of the year it would have been the same...in fact I was expecting her to have been handed back in the winter anyway.

Ravenwood was given plenty of notice. It was their choice as to when (within reason) the loan ended..they chose this Saturday..

I feel DREADFUL...even more so after this thread but I have my 12 yr old to think about too..

Sorry if that seems like a rant...but in that this is a public forum and people know the people/pony involved I thought I'd add my little bit even though I know I should've said nothing..

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Sorry you have had to explain yourself Honey. Some people get defensive when they don't know the full story.

I understand fully Ravenwoods position, and also yours.
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Very sad for both of you.
As you know, we lost Phantom in Jan, Rachel is 12. I felt truly awful and guilty as hell, because she was there with him and I couldn't get to her in time. I wanted to crush all the hurt away, but couldn't.
It was devastating, but she has come through it, we had many tears of course, but she is strong and has my horse to ride, and a new one to look forward to. We also had a pony out on loan, and I'm so glad she is back home (although I didn't ask for her to be returned, it has been a blessing)

Fleur, you will get over the guilt (outwardly anyway) and your daughter will be ok. If you are anything like me, inwardly you will feel bad, but we do our best and the kids will be ok. :hugs:
Honeypot, I hope you and yours both feel better when your pony comes back, it will help you enormously, as it did me.

Big hugs to both of you and your kids
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QR. I feel sorry for your daughter but it has been an important life lesson.many 12yos have their ponies sold on because they've outgrown them although I understand that is somewhat different.
I also didnt see any criticism of parenting skills.
certainly dont blame the loaner!
 
I was inconsolable when I was 11 and outgrew my Welsh Sec A (Pippin). He was a loan pony and although my feet were virtually on the ground when I rode I couldn't bear to part with him. I cried for days when he finally went. I think whether the pony were loaned or owned, they have to parted with eventually and it's always horrendous.

Could you look to get her something new for her to focus on? Maybe not immediately but soon?
 
I have no wish to offend you Skewbald, and am very sorry that my post upset you. I have no doubt that as parents we all do our best for our children, and was in no way criticising your skills as a parent. I didn't even know you had children! I was trying to say that if I was beside myself with grief, the last thing I, personally, would want would be someone saying 'onwards and upwards'. I would want sympathy, understanding and a lot of cuddles - not an egg sandwich. I am truly sorry that my post upset you. It was clumsily worded, and I can see how it could have been taken the wrong way.
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Please believe me, I have absolutely no wish to upset you.
 
I actually agree with Skewbald. Feel very sorry for the OP's daughter and am sure by the sound of it Mum is giving her lots of support and good advice, but end of the day that's horses for you and if you are in the hobby/sport, you have to be prepared to pick yourself up and start all over again and again and again.

Most 12 years old when presented with and if necessary made to do an alternative, ie OP's horse, will very quickly get over their upset.

OP your plan to try again with your horse sounds a good one, your daughter has learnt a lot with the loan pony, now she can get her teeth into getting to grips with your horse - what a lucky girl she is to have the opportunity.

A lot of 12 year olds would give their eye teeth just to touch/ride a horse once a week or less, so she isn't that badly off.

Edited to add : Honypot - after reading your post, my condolences go out to you and your daughter and I would like to say, you are absolutely right to have your pony back to help with the grieving process.
 
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Having offered my opinion, I had my parenting skills sneered at by Sooty saying 'I'm glad you're not my mother' - and yes, you are right. That is way below the belt.


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Please believe me, I was in no way sneering at you or your parenting skills. As I have said, it was clumsily worded - your way of dealing with the situation is not how I would have wished to be treated had I been a distraught child, that is all I was saying. I think my unfortunate comment has been commented on enough now - I can only apologise.
 
From what I remember 12 is a horrible age. She has just started to gain some independence for herself and started setting her own goals. She has now had the summer she dreamed of taken away. But she will get over it in time, I would just reassure her that she has done a fantastic job with this pony and that the owners will be very grateful to her and that she will have other opportunities in the future and that you will do your best to find her another pony when the time is right.

I had a loan pony taken away from me at 13, and I was devestated. As soon as I got another one though I soon forgot about how upset I was.

Hope she feels better soon x
 
Oh, how awful
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Not much advice I'm afraid but can offer sympathy and hugs.

We're in a similar position, daughter wants a pony to ride but doesn't want to give up Jelly(unrideable asbo pony).....it's a horrible dilemma and she sobs whenever the subject is raised.

take care

Bethx
 
I have to admit, I also agree wholeheartedly with Skewbald, RW's daughter needs comfort, something to make her feel better, and then words of onwards and upwards. The pony is going, no point in dwelling on the fact.

My daughter is 11 and (poor little love) has to deal with being bought horses, to bring them on, and then she has to give them up. This happens regularly. Yes she will always have her childhood pony but the others, to which she develops a deep bond with, are here on borrowed time. She knows this from the word go, doesn't help any when the horses are sold though! I get tears and upset every single time I sell one of her horses, but each time it become easier for my daughter to give them up to fantastic homes. Then she gets another horse or two and life becomes lovely again for my daughter. I accept this is a hard life for an 11 year old (and she was much younger as this has been happening for a few years now) but I am hoping that the life-skills she is gaining from this, will set her up for life.

I didn't see any criticism of any parenting skills, I just saw people giving their opinion on what they would do.

Honeypots; I hope your daughter is pleased to have her pony back after the upset of losing your horse. Two children about the same age; both having a tough time; both having to learn lessons in life; both with great mothers who will keep them safe and help them through these rough patches.
 
That is exactly why we didn't get my pony on loan. He was up for full loan, and the girl promised that she wouldn't take him backa s she was going to college. My Dad was the smart one and refused to let me have him on loan, so we offered her £3,500 for him and she agreed. A few months later she gave up college and is sick as a pig that she sold him, so she's now looking for a new horse.

I think that this is something to learn from, but she will get over it. Just let her cry and make sure you spend most of your time up the stables, grooming and riding so she can spend her last few days with the pony. I feel really sorry for both of you, maybe pony hunting will help her, as if she has a new pony asap, then it will help take her mind off her old pony.

Hope she feels better soon x
 
Fair enough, Sooty, I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it.

I think this is a clumsy medium!
I didn't mean that I had no sympathy for the OP's daughter, either.
I'm just of the 'Oh well, that's life, now lets get on with it' school of thought, that's all.
 
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I would want sympathy, understanding and a lot of cuddles - not an egg sandwich.

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by the way and on a complete tangent, you have no idea of the moments of understanding and love shared over fried egg sandwiches in our house!
With my mother, now long dead, a fried egg sandwich (with, when older, a bottle of guinness!) was the ultimate bunker fare, around which we would rally in a crisis.
I still declare fried egg sandwiches (and cocoa!) with my two when the going gets tough.

Egg sandwichhes and sympathy are so not mutually exclusive!
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hi
i've not had time to read all of the replies but i went through the same as a child/early teenager. Its not nice!
i must say that getting another did help. I also though stayed incontact with the loan pony and used to go and visit her - it was nice to stay incontact. At one point after a friend wanted to take her on loan (i had my own horse by then and couldnt take her back on as my parents understandably wouldnt let me have 3!) it upset me the prospect of a friend loaning her - as she was 'mine'! (friend never took her on loan)
Needless to say, many years later, when the pony was retired and i had grown up and had my own place - she came back to me and was eventually signed over to me at my wedding!
I guess, maybe if she knows that one day, it may be possible to get the pony back (if she wanted to, by then she may have moved on).
If you are going to look for another - what area are you in? The lady i loaned mine from loans a few out on full loan and as long as she knows the pony is being looked after, is fab and never bothers you etc and she has pretty much run down her business now so when they go on loan, its long term, if you are nearish she may have one that may suit your daughter?
 
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