How do I give up?

Eriskayowner

Eriskayowner

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Feeling very low at the moment (I don't "do" Christmas for many reasons) but have been feeling like this for a while.

I have no enthusiasm for going to the stables anymore and honestly don't think I'd miss riding.

I have a horse on loan (Jazz) which the owner can't afford to keep so I've been paying £400 a month plus extras (shoeing, clipping etc) for full livery. Owner wants horse to stay at yard. Feel very lonely at yard. It's a great yard but no-one there I'm "friends" with as all different ages to me. I'm the youngest owner at 27. Next oldest is mid-30s but has two young children so, although I get on with her the best, it's difficult to find time to ride out together etc. Jazz and her horse are also very different and Jazz gets wound up on rides as he has to go v slowly and wait for her.

I don't want to let owner down and god knows what'll happen to Jazz (he trips a lot - I broke my coccyx over the summer by him tripping), he's extremely fast, won't jump (been overfaced, panics in the school, totally traumatised but is actually the most brilliant horse in the world. I love him to bits.

How do I tell owner/YO that

a) I feel so lonely I don't want to go to the yard.
b) I can't actually afford to keep paying £500 a month (also paying another £200 a month for Mousey as well on top). I'm permanently skint - I've worn the same skirt to work for nearly 2 months.
c) I'm frightened I'm too heavy for Jazz anyway - he's 17.2hh Hanovarian x Cleveland Bay but keeps having 'back issues'. I havent seen him for 3 weeks since back lady came out. And if I'm too heavy for him, I'm too heavy for most.

Sorry. Have read so many posts today - love your horse, you'll regret it when they're not here which has made me feel even worse.

I hope that you do have a good Christmas tomorrow,

E
 
I always find it best to write things down in a Pros and Cons way, highlighting the absolutes - which in your case the two that leap out are: you love the horse, and you can't afford it.

So, either owner accepts that horse has to move yards or you accept that you have to keep handing over a large portion of your disposable income to ride him.
 
Thanks Mrs. M - you are always very sensible in things like this. There just seem to be so many more cons than pros. I think if I was happier at the yard (although being a manic depressive then this is probably my fault than the yards) then I might be a big more enthusiastic about going down, so it would be more cost effective overall.

I just don't know :(

The added complication is I teach the owner's grandson so it could lead to an awkward situation at Parents' Evening!
 
Not awkward if you are open and upfront about it. It is an awful lot of money and the owner must realise that. Give her notice, if that is what you decide to do and keep cool and calm about it :). We'll be here for you should you need us :).

As to the manic depressive bit, well, you can't help that can you lass. Why not have a look around at other yards with spaces/that you like the sound of? That way you could give the owner an option. Bear in mind that if the owner refuses it may spark a bit of a downward spike, but as you are not happy regarding the current circs, it couldn't be any worse :)
 
I started to feel like giving up a few months back. I knew i loved the horse but there was something that wasnt right.

I decided to move yards and iv never been happier.

I love going down, infact cant wait to get up in the morning to go see the big dope.
Only problem now, OH is moaning that the housework is slacking lol id rather spend my time just fussing and having fun with my boy :)

Speak to his owner, she may understand and let you move

Big hugs
 
Thanks guys - you are all brilliant. The weather isn't helping at the moment - couldn't get to the yard even if I wanted to so will make it my NYR to ride as much as possible (will help with the weight loss and getting him fitter to carry me better - win-win!) and see if things go better at the yard. If not, I'll talk to owner about a possibility of moving him. Poss to a DIY/part livery yard where I will have to go and see him more - positive spiral instead of negative one.

You are all brilliant - thank you soooo much for your replies. I'm sure you have better things to do on Christmas Eve! X
 
Please dont feel bad about loosing motivation. Like you say the weather and time of year certainly are not helping.
Give yourself a break, is there someone else to look after them for a while? I felt like this with Benson a few years ago, luckily I had my OH to do him for a few weeks and I stayed away completely. And when I felt ready, I went back, and it was like starting again and it was great.
 
Oh, Hun, I do feel for you! MrsM has uttered her usual wise words. All I can add is, it's a huge amount of money to be paying every month for something that is supposed to be fun, and patently isn't. Perhaps if you discuss all the options with Jazz's owner she may allow you to move to another yard, especially if you've researched it thoroughly first. If he is a bit of an awkward "placement" she may realise that it is better to have him with you, somewhere else, than to lose the benefits of you paying for her horse. I know that sounds harsh, and she's probably lovely, but she has got it all ways. She gets to keep her horse (does she actually have any involvement with him?), in the style he and she are accustomed to, and someone else foots the bills. Fine if you can afford it, and are happy with the overall situation, but you can't, and you're not. xxxxx
Have a lovely, worry-free Christmas Day!
 
Thanks groom42. I think I would be hard pushed to find a different yard around here which would be to the same standard at present. It is a great yard, and I think if I was 10 years older or at a different stage of my life. I think owner would find it very difficult to find anyone else to take on Jazz, and I've also bought him a £500 saddle, £50 bridle, £100 breastplate and £60 half pad. Owner did say she'll sell him to me for £1500 which he's not really worth but at least I could move him then. Lots to think about. Need to make a list, I think, as Mrs. M suggested :)

Thanks everyone xxx
 
Mrs M is always very wise, I have niticed!

I will add that I wonder if keeping him on full livery is part of your problem? Obviously it has been an absolute godsend in the current weather, but maybe if you *had* to go to the yard more you would build some bridges with the other liveries and make friends. Age really isn't a huge obstacle with horses to chat about! I feel that possibly it has been too easy for you to miss days and the longer you miss then the harder it is to go back amongst them.. as a virtual newcomer again.

No offence meant.. just thought it was an idea to consider.
 
No, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I had my other horses on DIY and I felt a bit better about it. I don't think I could do the mornings but it would also help my work-life balance if I *had* to do Jazz after work. I tend to stay at school until 6 or 7 at night but don't really need to anymore!
 
Whatever you decide I wish you a Happy New Year. Coping with MD is very difficult in itself (Mother in Law has it) so do put yourself first. Have you thought of getting a sharer near your own age? part livery might be a lot easier then and yoou would have company and a shared interest.
 
That sounds like a good idea anniearab. I have got 2 yards in mind for a possible move - will research costs etc. Neither are particularly far (and nearer owner but she has another horse at current yard). Sharer is a thought but he'd not to everyone's taste ;) !
 
I think this weather is very depressing in itself. Its just so cold. When it warms up, things may not seem quite so bad. You must sit down with the owner and have a long talk about things, especially moving yards...
 
Many people who I have spoken to that have given up riding after so many years have always regretted it. You love your boy, and I think it would be such a shame for you to let him slip. Some very wise words of advice have already been given - Pro's/Con's, Sharer for OH or friend??, move yards (I think this is a must and would really help you out, both financially and socially, and talk to the owner. If you do decide to buy him, get the price down a bit. You know what he's worth, so go for that. Hope you have a lovely lovely Xmas.
 
talk to he owner of jazz. tell her you are struggling financially. tell her what you can afford. maybe she will pick up the shortfall. (shortfall being cheaper than having to pay the whole bill!!) why dont you stick a sign up at your yard saying hacking companions req at xy times? people pop in and put of yards and miss people and oppertunities! Good luck whatever you decide.
 
Dont give up completely you really will regret it. Simply tell the owner you can not afford it any more, 400-500 is a lot to pay for a horse that you do not own. I have loaned 2 of my horses out and was realistic if i wanted the perfect person for my horse they would have to be moved. The lady that ownes him should have seen that you are more than capable of taking care of him so i am sure would let you move him than worry about paying the money herself and having another horse to worry about.

OR how about giving up for 2 months and with the money that you have saved you will be able to pay for more than half of him. If he is quite quirky he sounds like he is it will be quite hard for her to find another person willing to spend so much and she will see that it really isnt so bad for you to move him.
 
Just to add another opinion to the pot here, I echo everyone else's sentments in saying that I tink you would regret giving him up. From your post I get the impression that you don't actually want to give Jazz up, but you're just not happy with the current situation.

Firstly, don't feel guilty for losing motivation in this weather and at this time of year....The majority of us feel the same and when living with MD I know those feelings can be a lot harder to get through at times.

Secondly, I think the idea of Buying Jazz does sound like a good plan PROVIDED you can get him for a fair price. However, moving to a yard that is more financially viable and more suitable for your situation is obviously the first consideration.

Like everyone else has said, talk to his owner after Christmas, explain your situation and give her some options to consider. For example, research some yards so you can show her you've thought it through, let her know you might be willing to consider buying him if the price was right (and have price in mind if you are considering buying) and finally, let her know that you cannot continue with the current situation as you simply can't afford it and you feel you have little involvement in Jazz's care.

Hope you've had a lovely Christmas so far and I hope you can come to a good compromise for all of you :-)
 
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