how do you accept it?

pottamus said:
I lost my lovely horse that I was just about to buy following a loan agreement...I had spent all my waking hours with him and hacking for hours on end just enjoying the world and having his company...I lost him to colic very suddenly that no one could do anything about. I was devastated as I am sure you are and thought I had nothing worthwhile anymore or anything to look forward too. I was inconsolable...as you are...and my poor OH could not cope with my grief after only a few days.
Barely 2 weeks later he made me write down the things I loved about my lad and the type of horse I liked and he scoured the papers to find some for me to look at...it was harsh and he literally dragged me kicking and crying to view some horses that he thought might be right...I was totally against it and did not want to know. He then heard about a horse through a work colleague that was in Llandudno...we are in Derbys! He sent for details from the owner and photos...the photos alone made me smile...for the first time in weeks apparently.
He drove me all the way to Llandudno to ride the horse and when I got there I liked him and when I rode him he made me laugh hysterically as he spooked at his own shadow and tried to follow my OH walking in front and kept shoving him from behind...to get a move on!
To cut a very long story short...he is my boy and has been for 7 years now...although the pain of writing this and thinking about my beloved horsey previously is still enough to make me shed tears.
I will never forget my lovely fella, it is still hard to think about now and I still miss him even though I now have a wonderful character that I could not be without ever.

Try to remember the good times...you will be happy again and you will find a way of dealing with the pain...I am not saying you should go out and find another horse like my OH made me do...but what it did do was give me hope, make me have something to look towards...I hope you find that too. Take care.
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I am so glad you have got another horse that you have loved and cared for :) i do have a pony and i love her to bits, but she will never be him, he was the kindest and sweetest pony that did not deserve the suffering :( or to have been pts at just 19 :( he deserved the whole world, and i miss him, seeing his cheeky face popping over the door, i get a kick in the stomach everytime i expect to see him ... and i don't :( I just want a little less pain, just a fraction of the pain and hurt to go away and i hope in time it will but for now i will just have to bear it.
 
i can really hear myself in what you are saying. We lost Benson and Charlie in a horrific accident in February, I was riding with a friend when hit by a car.
The thing that has helped me so much is councelling. I go and see a wonderful lady once a week, just to talk. I have talked about all of my feelings, sorrow, anger, frustration, everything, and after 6 months I can finally begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Talking is a great healer, as is time. You will never forget him, but you will learn to live with it. I miss Benson every second of every day, but its not that acute grief anymore, all thanks to talking.
Be kind to yourself, you will get through this, but I think you need some help with it. xx
 
I wish I could offer advice, the truth is is, I don't know why I'm not experiencing the pain you are right now, I thought I would be after my two were pts last wednesday. Whether that is through age, life experience or what I don't know. I miss them very much, but not in the sense that I feel pain for them when I think of them or realise they have gone.
All I can offer you is huge ((((((hugs)))))) I hope it gets easier for you in time. Take comfort in the fact he is pain free and happy and one day you will see him again. You did the best for him, don't dwell on the past too much.
In regards to your other pony not living up to his standards....I know how that feels. Try your hardest not to compare and love her for the pony she is.
x
 
Awww ((hugs)) I do know how awful you feel. We lost one 8 years ago and I can still cry over him and so can my daughter. We lost our beautiful boy 3 weeks ago so again it is very raw still. I know from last time that we will get better. You are young and things can be so very black when you are young. My daughter was 16 last time and I know she really really suffered.

Please, if your parents are horsey - talk to them. It is awful as a parent watching your child suffer grief and not being able to help them. If they cannot help you they would, I am sure, be happy for you to see someone like a berievement (sp sorry) specialist. You will feel better, I promise, but right now that won't help. Grief, as Laura said, is the price you pay for loving someone. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to talk to people on here, but try your parents too.
 
This is so sad, it brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mare through an accident when I was 22, I am 41 now and it still hurts and I still cry sometimes. I don't know why it's taken ages to get over it and why some people get over it quicker than others.

I love what your friend said, that the greater the love the greater the pain. This was my first horse, she was a rescue and we loved it each other in that magical way that you get once in a lifetime. So I feel so sorry for you but I know, through experience, that you will learn to cope with it. Sadly it is part of life's rich tapestry that we live in and makes you the person you are.

I did'nt want to forget her and I did'nt want anyone else too either, so I talk about her still constantly (I am sure OH is sick of hearing about her!!), I have loads of photos of her around the house and by my bed.

One thing I did do though which I found helped and kept her memory alive, was give out a challenge trophy in her name at a local event. It does'nt have to be expensive and make it mean something to you that reminds you of her. Mine was the highest placed, smallest horse in a ODE, as she was tiny but beat all the big eventers, that meant something to me. Just may help a little?

I wish you all the best, PM me anytime if you want to chat as I know its so hard.

Take care x
 
I have just come back to the post to read the comments again ... just to help let it out again again, thankyou to all of you for giving the time to give me your advice, as i know it is all true, i just can't accept it :( after the show i was so happy yesterday, but the fact that the arena turned to a mud pool reminded me of a local show i did with bracken, we won :) he loved charging through the mud, i wanted to cry but i managed a smile... i think this is how i deal with my pain, some days i am mess others i can block it out ( i find it hard to be open, and easy to shut people out), but i had a break through i know i need to deal with this in a healthy way and i am trying, but i am looking into getting help, just someone who can stand me pouring out on them, thankyou again to all of you.

Becky
 
Glad to hear that you are sometimes seeing a little chink of light:) One day at a time is all you can do and you sound as if you are going to get there in the end. Many many people on here have been where you are now - take care of yourself and give yourself time and space.x
 
misst said:
Glad to hear that you are sometimes seeing a little chink of light:) One day at a time is all you can do and you sound as if you are going to get there in the end. Many many people on here have been where you are now - take care of yourself and give yourself time and space.x
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I really hope i can come out the otherside ... just not yet. Thankyou x
 
You will sweetie, you will. It is a long journey and you need to find your own way in your own time. There is no rush and sadly no one else can do it for you. Those of us who have been there (and are doing it again:() understand and are here for you x
 
You need to not feel guilty. One persons grief does not lessen anothers. The whole point of a place like this is to give support and advice and friendship. I always hate it when people point out "someone who is in a worse position than you" - it does not lessen your pain or their pain to compare. You will, one day, make sense of all your pain, but for now you should just take any support offered. I am sure, in time you will do the same for others:)
Only because you loved him so much do you feel so bad. I am sure the nasty people in this world suffer less, but I am sure they love less too. x
 
Please don't feel bad that you're crying so much. It's nature's way of healing. Some people heal fast, others not so - whatever makes you feel "better". Trying to hold in grief is the worst. I've never had a horse pts yet, but I remember feeling like the world was going to end even when I sent one of mine to his retirement home (a lovely one, with an old owner of his). More recently I lost a close, close friend. Someone who I'd known since I was 4 years old. We shared everything - childhood, first ponies, first horses, first boyfriends weddings etc etc etc. When something/somebody is that close to you and they go, it's unbearable. You will feel better with time. Don't rush it. Big hugs to you x
 
im so so sorry - it may not help but try to think of the good times you had together, how happy yu made him and him you - great big huge hugs, i know id be destroyed if anything happened to my boy - please think of the good times and remember he is in horsey heaven waiting for you xxxxxxxxx
 
misst said:
Only because you loved him so much do you feel so bad. I am sure the nasty people in this world suffer less, but I am sure they love less too. x
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I actually dont think that's a fair assumption and I'm a little hurt by it tbh.

OP everyone deals with things differently. The peace will come when you are ready for it and probably when you least expect it. Beating yourself up for feeling the way you do is only making the pain more intense. The grief is normal, embrace it and allow it don't fight it. Don't feel guilty for missing him, be pleased you do. Grief is a very odd thing and it effects us all very differently and also differently each time it happens throughout our lives. I hope if you do seek some councelling to help you through your feelings that it works out for you and the peace comes. Stay strong and keep loving that wonderful pony you have. x
 
I know exactly how you feel. I lost Catembi in Feb 2007 after nursing him for 6 months, & it was simply unbearable. There was no way that I could come to terms with it. I loved him so much, and having to catch him in from the field one last time to take him to the vets was the most awful, awful thing that I've ever had to do. No-one should have to take their best friend to be PTS.

I took it very hard, but someone on here said something that helped. They said that rather than aiming to get back to 'normal', I should realise that the best I can do is to move forward to a new 'normal'. This made sense to me. Once you've realised that it is possible for devastating things to happen, you can't un-know it, so it is natural that your perception of the world will be different from this point onwards.

Three and a half years on, I'm doing okay. I still use him as my user name absolutely everywhere, and always will. He is always going to be my avatar picture. It helped me not to think of grief as being a process which has a start and an end. I stopped trying to 'get over' Cat & accepted that I could keep him in my heart & mind for ever if I wanted to.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I wouldn't wish this despair on my worst enemy. Please don't feel bad about your strength of feeling. Even now, there is nothing I wouldn't do to get Cat back. You have to let Nature take its course, and find your own way through it in your own time.

(((hugs)))
 
Thankyou again to all of you, and catembi what you are saying does make sense, i have changed my priorities and perception of the world i don't want to care about the unimportant things my friends worry about i see a bigger picture... i won't be the same again maybe i will find a new 'normal'. Thankyou everyone for the hugs they are much needed.
 
People handle grief in different ways. What you have to think of is the fact he's no longer in alot of pain and most probable cantering around with his buddies in horse heaven.
 
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