How do you cope with PTS?

For me, thinking about it was much much harder than getting the deed done. It's always 'last morning', 'last feed', 'last Wednesday'. The horse doesn't know that, but we can't help but think it. I've used the hunt, and calling them was THE hardest phone call ever. When they've arrived I'm more composed, and can deal with it. If it's right for the horse, then I'm happy its done. My old pony was done 3 years ago, and I walked away smiling and knowing I did it right and she was thanking me. A horse I had done last year was harder, he had been suffering too long and the guilt was immense. I was so sad to see him go and wished it had been done much much sooner. On top of that, although lovely and quiet, the kennel man was new to the job and took too long, so it only added to the anxiety.
As far as I'm concerned, it anyone is thinking it's close, then the high chances are it needs to be done. Have to be brave.
 
Fools Motto said:
For me, thinking about it was much much harder than getting the deed done. It's always 'last morning', 'last feed', 'last Wednesday'. The horse doesn't know that, but we can't help but think it. I've used the hunt, and calling them was THE hardest phone call ever. When they've arrived I'm more composed, and can deal with it. If it's right for the horse, then I'm happy its done. My old pony was done 3 years ago, and I walked away smiling and knowing I did it right and she was thanking me. A horse I had done last year was harder, he had been suffering too long and the guilt was immense. I was so sad to see him go and wished it had been done much much sooner. On top of that, although lovely and quiet, the kennel man was new to the job and took too long, so it only added to the anxiety.
As far as I'm concerned, it anyone is thinking it's close, then the high chances are it needs to be done. Have to be brave.
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I felt much the same too. Seeing my dear old girl lying dead on the ground, what I really felt was relief- relief that it was over (the run-up to it is much worse than the deed itself) relief that it had gone smoothly and calmly, relief that I didn't have to worry any more with November 5th approaching, relief that she didn't have to struggle with the mud in the gateway any more, relief that she wasn't going to decline any more. I hope that makes some sense. But then I suppose I just had to cope because I went through it all entirely alone, and 2 years on, not one person, not even family has asked me how I am without her. Ah well.
 
For me, if I know nothing else can be done then its slightly better. I knew my last horse wasn't going to get better even though he was only 11, I knew that if I didnt do it within the month that I risked him having a massive colic or internal bleed (rapidly growing melanomas). I also knew he was uncomfortable although he was being very stoic. I booked a date nearly 3 weeks away (I also wanted to make sure stepkids weren't about) and that was my only mistake because those last days were horrendous for me-awful. I booked the last couple of days off work but had actually lost it there a couple of times before that as well as crying myself to sleep every night. I should have got the first available slot and not tortured myself. When it was done, I cried-I also cried pretty regularly after but was able to get on with life OK and keep it together in public. OH was there to help me, thank goodness.

Having a horse taken from you by sudden illness or accident is a whole other ballgame I would think.
 
My first pony had come down suddenly with awful, awful colic, having never had a poorly day in her life. The decision was done for me - I was only 18 and she was 24 and she'd only been out competing a few days before and was brilliant. I was heartbroken but I did get over it although I cried pretty much until I got her ashes. I had always told my mum she'd live in my bedroom, she still does now 10 years on in my own house :)

My other little mare had an injury which took a long time to heal, then promptly got a second injury. She didn't cope with the quieter life and I didn't feel box rest was fair to her at this point. I decided to have her put to sleep, she was only 15, but her dignity and quality of life was more important. I booked her in for a week later - believe me it was the longest week of my life. But I made it the best week of hers, she was buted to the eyeballs, turned out with my big lad who doted on her, and when it was time to go I even plaited her so she thought it was party time. I was much, much more upset on the run up to the event, but once it had been done I felt so much more at peace. I held her until the end and my other half held my hand and we walked off feeling sad but glad it was over. I cry more about her now, 4 years later, than I did at the time.

hope it all goes as well as it can, big hugs to you xxx
 
horsebenny said:
I lost my 7 year old to Grass Sickness a couple of months ago - it is still breaking my heart, nothing can make that easier just now. My old boy I lost a few years ago after 16 years (he was 24) at least with him it know I gave him all the life I could, with my mare all the life I could give her - and the foal I'd planned - will never happen. For me that's tougher..
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Yes for me it's the age, the sudden loss, the uncertainty of why it happens to some horses and not others. To lose a young horse out the blue. I don't get through a day without sobbing my heart out. I've bought a new horse (putting her on livery ). Hoping once she's here it will help because at the moment the guilt at getting another one and the unfairness at needing to get another one is just breaking my heart. I've lost plenty of animals, I'm a shepherd and my dogs are my work mates, love them very much but this is the worst pain I've felt in my life to be completely honest. I think if she had been old it would be easier to accept.
 
The run up/waiting is very hard.

I have been there with my first three dogs, my first horse and around ten other horses that I have held for other people. The reason I can cope with it is that I can always convince myself that I must be as normal as possible for the animal's sake. I never want my stress to affect them. The tears don't come until the vet has checked for signs of life and said they have gone.

When I've held horses for friends, it has always been horses that have known me well and followed a discussion about whether they want to be there or not. Some people can't do it and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Only you can decide if you will be able to be calm for your horse's sake.

Be kind to yourself and, if you can, take time of work for a day or two after. I have inevitably beaten myself up with "what if's" and "maybe we could have tried x" in the first couple of days and that makes it very hard. However, although the grief doesn't go away, I think you do get a kind of peace after a while because you know that you did explore those avenues and actually took the right decision.

My thoughts are with you OP. Hugs
 
I'm teetering on the edge right now. My companion pony has had colic 4 times this year, the last 3 in 3 consecutive months. After the last (mild) bout the vet said that I should consider calling time on him before it happens again. I now have another companion in place and have to book the pony with the hunt sooner rather than later. The irony is that he's skipping around the field like a 2 year old - he's 23/24 - and blooming. It's so hard, I know it has to be done, I know the longer I leave it the more likely it will be in an emergency and he will go in pain, but he's so well at the moment. I can't face next week (my birthday & selfishly I don't want to) so I think it will have to be the week after. It's the thinking about it in advance I hate - I know he doesn't know anything, but I do and I feel like a murderer!
 
I could never book in advance. I knew I would have to do it sooner or later with my mare when her laminitis episodes were getting closer and closer together and no management routine or drugs were helping her at all. But she was such a happy little thing. The light of my life, and I so much didn't want to extinguish that flame. Then finally, I thought we'd won the battle and she got to go out again in the field and had a great few days. But then she decided to chase and try and bite the two year old (she was a crabby thing with any horse that was below her in the pecking order, though sweet as pie with humans or more dominant horses). I saw her do it. She slipped and did thee splits in the field, reinjuring a tendon in her shoulder which had taken over a year to come right. I guess that forced my hand really. I realised that she would never get to go out like a normal horse, or eat like a normal horse. I got the vet and he confirmed what I was thinking. It was about her quality of life. She would never again get to just be a horse. It broke my heart but I asked him to do it there and then, so I couldn't change my mind. It was 100% the right decision and I am sure that it was exactly the right time, neither too soon or too late. She didn't go as peacefully as I would have liked. Ran sideways and then fell down with a thud and rolled on her back kicking. It seemed awful at the time, and the image haunts me, but in reality she was chomping away at her feed and the falling and kicking was probably only about 6 seconds. The vet said she was unconscious by then and it was just reflexes. Who knows for sure? But if she suffered at all, it was fleeting. I have only recounted this detail so that people know what to possibly expect. Most horses go far more peacefully. In fact three others I saw PTS by injection just sank down to their knees and then seemed to fall asleep. Another fell more suddenly, and had some heavy breaths for several minutes after she fell, but again the vet said she was unconscious by then. I would still on balance go with the injection, but mostly because I would want to stay with the horse to the very last second. If that was not important for me, then I would certainly consider the gun as I think if done right it is more instant.
 
FfionWinnie said:
Yes for me it's the age, the sudden loss, the uncertainty of why it happens to some horses and not others. To lose a young horse out the blue. I don't get through a day without sobbing my heart out. I've bought a new horse (putting her on livery ). Hoping once she's here it will help because at the moment the guilt at getting another one and the unfairness at needing to get another one is just breaking my heart. I've lost plenty of animals, I'm a shepherd and my dogs are my work mates, love them very much but this is the worst pain I've felt in my life to be completely honest. I think if she had been old it would be easier to accept.
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Yes, I know what you mean. I don't think I'm out of shock yet. I too am getting a new horse, but he won't replace my mare. She will always have a special place in my heart. I can't think about her without getting upset and I can't get the horrible way the disease manifests out of my mind so having another to focus on will, I hope, help. I too feel guilty but it is something I just feel I have to do for the healing process to begin...
 
It is more difficult to accept HB and Ffion because they're young and something like GS comes right out of the blue. I know exactly what you're going through as my mare who died 2 years ago had twisted gut and it's the same thing whereby one minute they are fine and the next boom! you know they are dying and there's nothing you can do about it. I was exactly the same as you two in that I simply could not stop thinking about her and I couldn't stop crying when I did think about her. I felt cheated. She was only 6 years old and they're not supposed to die at such a young age. The whole of last year, every day was just as awful for me as the day she died. I'm coming up to the second anniversary of her death though and it has started to get easier. I knew it would, but it's been a very long time since an extra-special one of mine has died so I kept feeling that it never would get better, but it has. Hugs to you both in these raw days of your healing xx
 
It is such a difficult thing to deal with but it's part of horse ownership, I had a much loved mare put down 2 years ago, due to a field accident so I had no choice. I'm now facing the same decision with another very much loved mare, she is going blind, she is bright eyed & bushy tailed for now but I won't let her go blind, her last days will be happy ones & not spent frightened & upset.
I've shed many tears but of course she's oblivious & enjoying being spoilt!
I like the Whinny The Pooh quote on an earlier post.
 
Apache Warlord said:
The deed is awful, but it was done quickly, and you cope because you have too.
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Just wanted to add 2p here - agree with everyone else in that you do cope because you have to, and gradually it gets easier but have to disagree with Apache Warlord on this - whilst the decision, the guilt etc is awful I was strangely surprised how peaceful it was when i had my mare PTS.. much like others i gave her loads of her fave food, cried a lot and have cried a lot since.. but I didn't want you to worry it was horrifically unpleasant or anything like that because it can actually be quite peaceful and she went very peacefully which was actually quite a relief afterwards - i had been dreading it but that bit was actually better than expected if that makes sense? x
 
I lost my best horse in August - she was 21 and retired (injured her back a year or so before and was paddock sound but needed to be worked properly to ride and I decided she could just relax for the rest of her days). She taught me to ride properly ( she was my first horse) and forgave so much - she was by no means a plod but looked after me, something my current mare doesn't seem to able to offer at the moment! I'd had her at home for almost two years, livery before that and my parents for a good while before that. I wanted her to have a long and happy retirement and everything I did with my horses was based on my care for her (I got her a companion as she would fret when I rode my other mare, they were all fed because I fed her, they all came in last winter overnight because she started to hate the mud). She broke her leg in the field, it was bad and high up and I knew so got a vet out and told them she would need to be PTS. She was so good waiting and I stuffed her full of apples - the vet was brilliant. I was gutted, still am (I find it very difficult to think about it and write this) - the logical part of me thinks she had a cracking summer, looked better than ever (gleaming coat), loved being out 24/7, had no real health issues to concern her day to day, so she went at a good age but with a great quality of life - it doesn't stop me missing her. I allowed myself to cry and still do - no good bottling it in. It helps.
 
Ceriann

You post made me cry! She sounded like a lovely & lucky horse - I have also stood in the field with an injured horse waiting for the vet, such an awful feeling, looking at your beloved horse thinking "you trust me & I'm having you killed"
 
this thread has been very throught provoking. I've wavered between "it's better to plan in advance as you can come to terms with it" to "it's better as an immediate decision needed so you aren't fretting over it" since it was started, and I've come to the conclusion that it is simply horrendous either way.

I lost my first horse last year in less than ideal circumstances, and was halfway inbetween the two scenarios. He'd been hospitalised with colic/intestinal paralysis, pulled round then went down with peritonitis. He failed very quickly at the end, and the vet left it too long before calling me (in my opinion), and by the time I got to the clinic Pinto was very distressed, and unable to stand. The head vet on duty had a bit of a hissy fit because Pinto was unable to be moved to the theatre (where they have easy access for removal). I had the spectre of pts hanging over me for over a week, then it was lifted, then within 24 hours it had to be done on an emergency basis. Because Pinto was so distressed, and because of the infection causing both jugular veins to collapse, they had to administer the injections into the vein behind the elbow, and there were more than 6 people involved at the end. I was told to "go away" while the injections were administered.

18 months down the line I still beat myself up every time I think about it. You can "what if" yourself, but being on the wrong end of "better a day too soon than a day too late" - it is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
 
turkana said:
Ceriann

You post made me cry! She sounded like a lovely & lucky horse - I have also stood in the field with an injured horse waiting for the vet, such an awful feeling, looking at your beloved horse thinking "you trust me & I'm having you killed"
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I was definitely the lucky one - I bought her roughly 16 years ago from an overstocked yard for a snip - graded 3/4 ID. She had ringworm, was an orangey bay colour, terrible hooves and hadn't been ridden in months (too boring for an electric seated owner!). She ended up almost jet black and a real head turner at shows. She was safe as houses unless you asked her to wait on a run or put her in big groups and she'd think she was hunting and you'd struggle to hold her.

The shock is horrendous but I did everything I could to hold it together for her - vet told me I'd got to her quite quickly (I hope so) and I told her I would make it stop hurting and that's what we did.
 
Casey76 said:
this thread has been very throught provoking. I've wavered between "it's better to plan in advance as you can come to terms with it" to "it's better as an immediate decision needed so you aren't fretting over it" since it was started, and I've come to the conclusion that it is simply horrendous either way.

I lost my first horse last year in less than ideal circumstances, and was halfway inbetween the two scenarios. He'd been hospitalised with colic/intestinal paralysis, pulled round then went down with peritonitis. He failed very quickly at the end, and the vet left it too long before calling me (in my opinion), and by the time I got to the clinic Pinto was very distressed, and unable to stand. The head vet on duty had a bit of a hissy fit because Pinto was unable to be moved to the theatre (where they have easy access for removal). I had the spectre of pts hanging over me for over a week, then it was lifted, then within 24 hours it had to be done on an emergency basis. Because Pinto was so distressed, and because of the infection causing both jugular veins to collapse, they had to administer the injections into the vein behind the elbow, and there were more than 6 people involved at the end. I was told to "go away" while the injections were administered.

18 months down the line I still beat myself up every time I think about it. You can "what if" yourself, but being on the wrong end of "better a day too soon than a day too late" - it is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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I am so very sorry you had such a horrendous experience - it's tough enough as is. Please don't blame yourself - there are so many what ifs - we all do what we think is best fir them with facts in front of us.
 
OP I could have written your exact post just a few months ago, and I had my horse of a lifetime pts by injection on 4 October.

My first piece of advice is, do not underestimate how hard it will hit you. Just get ready for it as best you possibly can.

You sound the kind of owner that I am and I watched mine like a hawk, alert for any clue as to how he was feeling. He honestly did let me know when it was time and I'm sure your horse will do the same for you.

Ridiculous speak and thought of "I'm killing him" is to be banished the second it arrives (and it will - you are realising the gravity of the situation and the responsibility placed on you. You didn't get to have all that fun with him, for no subsequent dear price). Technically yes you are. But the line in the poem someone mentioned above (which I had not seen - so thank you) "but this last battle cannot be won" must resonate with you as it is the awful truth. I wish you all the best and I am so sorry xxxx
 
OMG I am in floods reading this thread especially having looked up the 'last battle' poem. I can see my darling dog lying asleep on her mat in the hall, and am thinking of my 2 horses round the corner in their stables… it is a long, long time since I lost a loved animal (30 years) and the pain of the loss was why it took me 25 years to be able to face loving one again… I so agree with the poster who said you don't get over it, you just get through it. Will give all of mine a special hug now. Blessings to those of you who are grieving right now. x x
 
Mr heart goes out to you. Ive had to make this decision a few times now, most recently, a couple of weeks ago. It hurts like h£ll. I also lost my mum last year. All I can say is that life is constantly moving forwards, not backwards or sideways. You will do what you have to do as you are a caring and loving horse owner, then you will be a bit of a mess for a while. But you will keep moving forwards, through the processes that we go through until we one day find we are smiling and laughing again. Be sure to surround yourself with good friends and family who understand, and cry when you need to cry, talk when you want to talk, and be kind on yourself. Can you book a holiday to get away afterwards for a few days ? Were all different and deal in our own personal way, but you'll come through it I absolutely promise xxxx
 
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