How do you deal with small children and pts thier pony? :-(

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12Feb

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As title really. My three yr old adores her pony, talks about him at home and pretends to ride him, tells other people about him etc. Going to see him is a big part of her day. Unfortunately he has cushings, arthritis and now waiting for a vet as think he has laminitis. He is elderly and thoughts had been to retire him after this summer anyway he was happily still 'working' on a bute when required for his stiff joints. He loves going out hacking etc and was still enjoying life. He is obviously feeling pretty low at moment, bit depressed, cross with life and aggressive to his companions. Still fine with daughter tho. He has been in family for twenty yrs and OH is determined not to let him suffer. So worst case scenario, how would you approach the subject of him being pts to a three year old??
 
Sorry I have no advice to give, but my thoughts are with you all and I am pleased you will be doing the right thing for the pony.

I guess a new pony might distract her and a story about crossing the rainbow bridge and joing other horses in lovely paddocks etc might help?
 
Hi, I've been thinking about this as we have a poorly pony (think she may be ok though) but my daughter is now 9 so I was going to explain it properly to her. With your daughter's age and the age of your pony I personally would just say pony died in her sleep as she was very old. Maybe sort it for when she's not there? If she was older as I say then I'd approach it differently. She will also bounce back quite quickly due to her age.
Sorry to hear she's not doing well anymore xx
 
If the pony had to be pts then I would do so and then tell the 3 yr old later that he had died. Three is too young to understand much further than that. An older child would be different.
 
We lost our shettie a few wks ago and while we were very frank with my 8yr old, my 4yr old neice is different and very attatched to him so we have just told her hes on holiday! And im hoping questions will cease as soon as soon as weve found a suitable replacement.
All kids are different and some suprise you and are more capable of handling the truth than some adults! One our liverys kids whos 7 was there with us while our old boy was 'going' and she even helped make him more comfortable and strangley requested to see him once he was gone which is something I personally couldnt have done! But it didnt bother her. Maybe at 3 tho a little story and photoshoped pics of him in carabean and swift replacement would be better! So sorry for you, its an awful situation.
 
Hard one I feel very sorry for you.

Best advice I can give is to give her some time to get used to the idea. Start telling her he is very ill, that it's serious and it's possible he might die.
She doesn't need to know too much detail.

Then tell her at the time (if you have too and your fears are confirmed) that the vet did his best but couldn't save him so he stopped him feeling any more pain.
Tell her that he was very old, that he has gone to heaven ect.

Basically you need to give her a narrative that she can understand and that won't scare her.
I wouldn't try and explain at her age that it's because of unsoundness, that's quite a hard concept for a youngster because I don't think they can understand that not being able to walk for a pony is different from what happens to a person. Illness they understand better.
 
If you are religious (as I am) then when I was little and had to be told my much loved grandmother was dead along with her 2 pets, my mother told me that my grandfather missed her so much that finally, while she really really loved all of us, it was time for her to go back to our grandfather as he was lonely, and heaven was only heaven when she would be there with him. Also told she took her pets with her as they wouldn't understand her leaving them behind. Now my grandmother actually died in a freak gas leak, and my mother and aunt were incredibly traumatised and upset but I didn't know that till much later. I just was able to understand that while she loved us, we had had her for long enough and it was time for her to go to stay with grandfather. It worked for us but they hid it for a long time from us. This was actually quite wrong in my eyes, even later, as I had a very very close relationship with my grandmother and simply could not understand why suddenly I couldn't see her any more. I thought I had done something wrong. I think you do need to explain the ponies disappearance or your little one will assume its her fault. Good luck
 
Have you discussed with the vet putting him on Peroglide or similar treatment for the Cushings? If not, it might give him a new lease of life for a while.
If he is pts maybe you could arrange a replacement to be there ready for her so you can say he had to go away and he wanted the new pony to be her friend now.
 
To start with be as honest as possible.

Don't go into the whole pts thing and don't say he's gone to sleep and not woken up as that can make some kids scared of going to sleep.
Something like he was ill and in pain and because he was so old he died and has gone to heaven. then try and answer any questions. But try and keep it simple.
 
mynutmeg said:
To start with be as honest as possible.

Don't go into the whole pts thing and don't say he's gone to sleep and not woken up as that can make some kids scared of going to sleep.
Something like he was ill and in pain and because he was so old he died and has gone to heaven. then try and answer any questions. But try and keep it simple.
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I so agree with this.

My paternal g/father died when I was about 4. I was told he died because his belly button fell out. (He had a ruptured umbilicus hernia) For ages I went to sleep with my finger pressing on my belly button!

Children accept death far more readily than adults. Not to say that the child will not be upset though by experience they are only upset if the parents are!

Be semi factual, have the pony PTS and explain after the event. Whether you tell her that she died or was PTS is up to you. Personally I go the truth route.
 
Another for honesty. Children are much better at dealing with death than many adults. We cannot pretend that death does not happen.

My children have had an opportunity to say goodbye to dogs and then left before they were PTS. Also you don't need to pretend not to be upset - grief goes hand-in-hand with love, we don't grieve for animals or people we didn't love.
 
Sorry for you in this situation.


I would discuss this with your vet to put him on Peroglide?? The other this is Chase Berries all good for Cushings - There are previous cushings members saved here and some links http://horse-care-and-advice.weebly.com/c.html.

His joints I would recommend Flexijoint by Equimins I have 8 of my yard on it ALL have notice a vast improvement to Arthritis They give you a 100% money back guarentee.. look under *J* for joints or *A* for Arthritis on the link in my signature. Its all previously posted threads from H&H members which are stored to help others like a dictionary but without people like yourself having to search and search this forum for something

Laminitis - I went there got the t shirt 11 months with it. Just lost my beloved mare before xmas I still grieving for her. Again there is loads of advice under *L* for laminitis on this link too

:)
 
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My daughters old pony had horrific colic and was pts on her 4th birthday, I was devastated over it and felt awful for her. As she was busy with a party then going to grandmas etc we managed to keep her away from the stables for a week. We then told them he was old and had got very poorly and died. There were tears obviously but being very lucky we were offered a lovely replacement for him quite soon after which helped.
We still get the occasional 'I very miss Beau' even after over a year, but she understands he got old and died without being frightened of it.
Sorry you are going through it op, you want to protect your kids from ever being upset but sometimes it's just unavoidable. Hope the pony is ok and you all get a bit longer together.
 
Oh bless I was too young to understand when my pony was put down but basically my grand dad had brought her for my cousin who then passed her on to me so my mum just told me it was time for her to go back to granddad and she would be happy and no aches or pains up their.

Xx
 
Not really the same, but we lost my mother last summer very suddenly, my niece and her daughter was staying with my sister, whom my Mum had just moved very close to at the time. She told her Great Grandma had gone to heaven to bewitch Grandad. On the day of the funeral my great niece came a long she had painted a picture for Great Grandma we attached it to a couple of hydrogen balloons, and she sent them off to Great Grandma, which helped all of us.
Good luck with whatever you decide, kids are tougher than we think a lot of the time.
 
be truthful- say you dont want him to suffer pain, and he has to go and join ?? in the big pasture in the sky. Even at 3,children deserve honesty. And maybe get the new pony first to divert attention?
The same thing happened with a friends dog recently- the 4 year old nodded her head gravely, said she understood, looked at his empty collar and lead, hung them up and went off to play with the new puppy.
 
Children are amazing and believe exactly what you tell them. It does make it so much easier to explain. Having pets and them dying prepares children for life.
I would try to find another pony and talk about what happens after death, rainbow bridge , needs a rest and to be happy in a beautiful field because he has been such a good pony all his life. You won't be able to see him but he will be able to see you and how happy you are with your new friend. It is going to be harder for you but lucky pony being loved right till the end.X
 
We had our v old dog put down at home a few mths ago & my just 4yo happily sat down with us & talked to him & cuddled him in his basket as he drifted away. It was a rather lovely ending really. We still talk to her about him..as other posters have said kids cope remarkably well. We have a book 'goodbye mog' that deals with the death of family cat v well so we ref to that too.
 
mynutmeg said:
To start with be as honest as possible.

Don't go into the whole pts thing and don't say he's gone to sleep and not woken up as that can make some kids scared of going to sleep.
Something like he was ill and in pain and because he was so old he died and has gone to heaven. then try and answer any questions. But try and keep it simple.
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This. It is always best to be honest with even very small children, without going into unnecessary detail. Children soon pick up on any incongruity and know that something is wrong but aren't sure what so begin to distrust the adults around them.

IMO you should explain that the pony is very poorly and that the vet is going to try to make it better - keep child away from the stable, preferably with a family member who can take her out for the day, without being particuarly upset about the pony themselves. When she comes home just explain that the vet said that pony was too poorly to make better and he died.
Be careful not to use euphemisms about going to sleep as that can frighten children into believing that whenever any-one including themselves goes to sleep, they might not wake-up. Be very clear that the pony will not come back. Don't be afraid to let your child see that you are upset about the pony's death. Then look for another suitable pony to distract your child.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
This. It is always best to be honest with even very small children, without going into unnecessary detail. Children soon pick up on any incongruity and know that something is wrong but aren't sure what so begin to distrust the adults around them.

IMO you should explain that the pony is very poorly and that the vet is going to try to make it better - keep child away from the stable, preferably with a family member who can take her out for the day, without being particuarly upset about the pony themselves. When she comes home just explain that the vet said that pony was too poorly to make better and he died.
Be careful not to use euphemisms about going to sleep as that can frighten children into believing that whenever any-one including themselves goes to sleep, they might not wake-up. Be very clear that the pony will not come back. Don't be afraid to let your child see that you are upset about the pony's death. Then look for another suitable pony to distract your child.
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Excellent advice. talk about heaven etc as well. We always used to look at the stars after a pet had died and see if we could spot the new star that would be our pet. ' He's gone to heaven to be a star shining in the sky so we can see him forever'
 
My nephew is a little younger than the OP's daughter so when my horse was PTS we went for a 'he's going on a lovely holiday' followed by 'he liked it so much he decided to stay there' approach, which didn't seem to raise any questions or upset, although he wasn't as close to my horse as the OP's daughter is.
 
Every child is different - only long observation can tell you how to handle it but for me I didn't hold back and circumstances helped as once upon a time I witnessed the terrible state someone else's child got into after seeing a dead bird - literally a screaming wreck for ages. So I worked in the idea that everything wears out - including animals and ultimately - ourselves.

I did such a good job I think number one daughter hoped I'd pop off quickly so she could see what a dead person looked like! Her pony (our first ) also developed laminitis three years out of four and was put down in the last bout. Elder girl was resigned - made a little shrine on bedside cabinet and that was that (7ish) number two, went rather quiet so I had a word and got all the tears (5 and some) enough for both of them - flipping bad enough for me really!

Elder girl accepted it completely - she'd already turned to ballet more than ponies and was showing promise, but this sad event had the effect of affirming number two's love of horses and it's never gone away - she and I shared about twenty years of Horsystuff and still support it even though not owners now.

Good Luck.
 
Clava said:
If the pony had to be pts then I would do so and then tell the 3 yr old later that he had died. Three is too young to understand much further than that. An older child would be different.
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This. I'm not one for sugar coating things and this seems the easiest way for one as young as yours; for older ones, I'd tell them it had to happen and why, no point beating about the bush, it's all part of life.
 
When my daughter was about 4 I had to have my horses PTS which I did while she was at preschool. The horses lived in our 'back garden' so she had known him from being a baby. I waited to tell her when I was not so upset, then told her that he was old and worn out and had died, that all things have to die to make room for new life or there could be no puppies and kittens.
I must have not have put a brave enough face on because she said,'don't worry mummy we can get another one'. Keep it simple and they will understand.
 
Firstly, I am so sorry that you are in this position. I know all too well that this can be one of the worst parts of having little ones and animals, especially when the little ones get so attached. It is hard enough accepting these things as an adult who can understand what is going on, and why it needs to be done. :(

We lost my Dutch Lop rabbit on Good Friday, and my daughter, who has just turned 4, keeps asking for him. We just said that Harvey got sick and was hurting, so he has gone where rabbits go when people don't want them to hurt any more, and that he won't be coming back. She seems to accept this, though it does not stop her asking where he is. I'm not surprised, she is out there with me helping with the animals every day, so when we lose one she is quick to notice. When she is older and is able to understand better, then we will tell her the full truth of it. Until then, that is what we say, and then do our best to distract her with helping out with the other animals. Harvey will take some time for her to get past, she adored him, but she has taken more of an interest in one of the Mini Lops so I think she has accepted that Harvey is not coming back at least. Having the other rabbits to distract her is definitely helping.

When I was a kid, people just kept telling me that the animals went to a farm. By the time I was eight, I just looked at my father and told him that farm must be getting awful full if everyone's pets kept on going there.
 
Thank you all so much for your replies. So nice to have some support. My OH is a farmer so very matter of fact and says she will just have to deal with it. Which I do agree on principle but am concerned about how to approach it, she is very bright and making connections with things at the moment, which I dont expect at her age really! She has been having some nasty nightmares the last few weeks and issues with sleeping etc so as someone said I wouldnt want to associate the two things.
 
There are some very good books to help little ones cope with and understand loss. I agree with others, be honest, but be careful not to use words such as "he was ill, or gone to sleep" as she may think that next time you are ill, or someone else is described that way, they will die. Even young children understand God and Angels, even if you don't believe in them, it is a way of them understanding the pony is no longer here, but in a happy place.
 
HBM1 said:
There are some very good books to help little ones cope with and understand loss. I agree with others, be honest, but be careful not to use words such as "he was ill, or gone to sleep" as she may think that next time you are ill, or someone else is described that way, they will die. Even young children understand God and Angels, even if you don't believe in them, it is a way of them understanding the pony is no longer here, but in a happy place.
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Which is why I think being told that my grandmother had chosen to leave us as my grandfather was missing her so much and it was his turn really helped us. We didn't, as children, feel worried about another adult going or that she had abandoned us.
 
I sadly lost my horse when my son was three. She was put to sleep very unexpectably due to colic.
The vet advised me to allow my son to see her after she had passed. I explained to him that she was very poorly and that she had to go to the stars. That night we had a look at the night sky and asked him which star he thought she was.
Even now aged 6 he often looks up at the sky and points out a star and says "Hello Vale".
 
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