How do you get over the death of a foal?

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BayJosie

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As some people may remember me posting about, I lost a foal in March this year. It was the first foal I’d ever bred. I did absolutely everything. Every scan, drug, procedure or whatever was offered to me during the pregnancy – I did. I was breeding a foal for me to keep and I was silly enough to sit day dreaming about jumping our first fence or going on our first hack together. I had the most amazing vet throughout and I listened to every piece of advice that was given to me. It wasn’t something I went into lightly.

The anticipation leading up to the event has got to be the most exciting thing I have ever gone through, it feels like it was yesterday when I was rushing down the yard at 4.30am in the morning with the news that Josie had foaled.

But I just can’t ‘get over it’. Norah was only with us for a day and I know it doesn’t compare with owning a horse for a lifetime, or even a number of years but I still think about her every single day, I still have a little cry when I think of her, or if I see something that reminds me of her. I try and hide my true thoughts and feelings from those around me (colleagues and the like) becuase I sometimes feel like I should just ‘get over it’ but every day I feel SO guilty and unlucky that this happened to us. I have some amazing memories even just in that short day of her being in the field with her proud mum and I know I am so lucky to have these but I just can’t seem to ‘let go’ and just accept that it happened? I can’t surely carry on living like this?

Does anyone have any good ways of dealing with it? How did you eventually just let go and accept things? How did you deal with those around you who didn’t ‘get it’?

Urgh. Sorry, stupid moan post. But needed to have a bit of a vent. x
 
I am so sorry for your loss. I think it will be a case of time healing the wounds. You waited so long for Norah and obviously had high hopes for your future together, so you must allow yourself to grieve for your lost foal and for your lost dreams.

I hope you soon feel better. :)
 
As above. Don't just get on with it. You need to grieve. You had months of anticipation and dreams which have come to a tragic end. The hurt lessons with time butdon't keep it in.
 
We lost our foal this year too after a difficult birth.
I don't think there is an easy way to get over it.
But time does gradually ease the pain,life does go on and things will get easier.You won't forget your foal but you will soon be able to move on.Be easy on yourself and patient!
 
Hi There its really not easy we lost a foal in march that was from my best mare, and my friend and we also had high hopes for her little one the ony way we have dealt with the loss is to put her back in foal and wait for her next one and hope they are both alright it does help take your mind off the loss, but you are likey never to forget.
and I am sorry for your loss.
 
I think time as others have said and maybe making some new plans. Not necessarily a foal but maybe some time for you and your horse and maybe a new direction. Keep an open mind and be kind to yourself. I really felt for you when you lost Norah and as it was very close to when we had our foal I felt it could so easily have been me or indeed anyone who breeds.

How is your mare? Do you still ride her? Maybe you could have some time just to think things over and go with what you feel would be best for the both of you. Also don't hide your feelings. Talk to people and let them be there for you - if you don't tell them you are feeling down they will not be able to help you. Sometimes talking really helps the other person may not have the answers but just saying things out loud can help you process things and find your way but also they just may be able to add a different perspective or idea.

Take care x
 
What a horrible experience for you and your mare to go through. I lost my 5 year old in January and am still devastated, not a day goes by that I don't think about him.

I just try and focus on the horses that are still with me and treasure every last moment with them, we can just give ourselves time. I don't think you ever really heal, you just learn to live with it.
 
Hi BayJosie,

My situation is very similar to yours. I too was breeding to keep and I especially wanted a foal from my mare. It was going to be my first and only. Dolly had regular check ups, vaccinations, and positively bloomed throughout the whole pregnancy. She had been at stud with Clodagh on here's mare, and we were forever comparing tummys, udders etc, and as Clodagh's mare was due first, we were texting every morning with "no news yet".

The morning Dolly foaled will be in my mind forever. It was bank holiday monday. YO owned called to say she was in labour, but she knew something wasn't right and told me to call vet which I did as I was running out the house. By the time we got to the yard, literally 5 mins later, the foal was out, but sadly had died. I keep playing it through my head wondering if I had been there, would it have been different. I do not blame YO one bit. I know she did everything she could, including trying to give the foal mouth to mouth, but it wasn't to be.

I do still get tearful thinking about our foal, she was so so perfect. I am not sure if what you have gone through is worse, actually getting to know your foal and to then lose her. I remember your post and it did bring tears to my eyes then.

I think we all deal with these things differently. Dolly is going back to stud next week. I have had her blood tests back and am just waiting for her CEM results. Some people might wait a year, but I feel I need to do it now.

If we are successful in getting our foal this time around, I won't ever forget the foal we lost. I just hope that losing her will become much easier.

If you ever want to chat, feel free to PM me. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

xx
 
Im so sorry to hear this, i think time is the best healer and you know you did everything you could have possibly done, dont let it put you off breeding again it would be a shame for that to happen, especially as you will what to keep the foal
 
I can identify with your feelings and the experience you have had. I decided to breed from my mare after a few years of contemplation. I was always too frightened to do it case of something going wrong. However, eventually i went ahead as i wanted a foal to keep for the future. Like yourself, i did all the reading, research, sought advice, etc. I arrived one morning to find that my mare had foaled by herself and everything seemed fine. I was very excited and overjoyed that she had foaled and all appeared well. However, my mare became very unwell and was taken to the dick vets in Edinburgh. To cut a long story short she had a suspected twisted gut and surgery was not an option due to the fact that her stomach had ruptured. This was the most devastating experience of my life and i was inconsolable. This was almost a year ago and i still cant talk about it without becoming upset. You need to grieve and talk to someone who does understand your loss. When this happened to me i wanted to give up horses completely but had to carrry on for my orphaned foal. I am lucky to have him and treasure the wonderful memories i have of my mare who was also my best friend. 'what ifs' are wonderful things but tragedies do happen and often there is nothing that can be done to prevent them. Things do get better in time.
 
i think that, as with grieving over the loss of a person, the only thing that helps, eventually, is time, which deadens the pain.
could you perhaps and buy a weanling, so that you have a foal this year, another lovely little thing to lavish your attention on? that's what i'd do.
(very sorry if that sounds heartless, though.)
 
I think those of us who have lost a foal understand what you mean.
It doesn't matter how many foals you have bred, every one is special and so full of potential, we dream about what glories they might obtain, how wonderful their temperaments are going to be, and how beautiful they will look when grown up.
I have been breeding for many years and can recall every foal we have lost, from the 6 week early twins, a chesnut colt and an exquisite bay filly, to the wonderful colt we lost a few years ago who died of an infection despite all we and the vet tried to do to save him.
I often think about the colt, as when I see his relations all the same age as he would be now, I know he was superior to all of them and that really hurts.
Breeding is I'm afraid fraught with problems, and although it's very hard, you have to accept that it won't always go well. It's much harder when like you it was a first and much longed for foal.
I would try again in your shoes, it's unlikely to happen twice and it really will help heal that loss.
Time does help and it hasn't been that long for you yet..
 
Five years ago my dad wanted to breed from my Russian event mare. She was injured and owned by my dad so I agreed. We choose an ideal stallion and went ahead. 11 months later she gave birth to a beautiful colt. Sadly though he had but his feet into her rectum and pulled it out with him. She was rushed to hospital but could not be saved.
Our colt was taken in by a stud who sadly had a horse who foaled there but tragically had no eyes. The little filly was 3 days old and only kept alive to allow the mare to foster. The beautiful filly was pts and our colt fostered.

The same year my first brood mare foaled. Text book. I realised things could work. Sallyann had a stunning chestnut filly.

My best friend wanted to breed her own foal for herself and as she wanted something special I could event it. Sallyann being such a super mum and brilliant breeding was put back in foal.
She foaled one of the most stunning chestnut fillys I have ever seen. The filly died 17 hours later. We were devastated. We did not leave the fillies side nor did the vet. We tried everything. The stallion was 1st Oct terms so my friend also lost the 2000pound stud fee.

Due to our earlier experience we contacted the national foaling bank to be told that the same stud who took our colt had lost mare. There wasn't really a decision to make they were loaded and gone.
It really helped me to be able to help them back. I can't answer for my friend but felt like some good had come of it.
The stud owner put sallyann back in foal, we did have a slightly rough pregnancy towards the end but she foaled a bay filly 3 weeks ago. The filly is perfect. My friend sadly I don't think has dealt with it so well, she saw it and said " its nice but I would rather of had last years".

Not a day goes by when I dint think of last years filly. It was a dream that went drastically wrong. My event mare retired last we and went straight to stud. The thought terrifies me but at the end if the day someone very wise on here told me she could break ka leg eventings. I can't wrap her in cotton wool. I will worry about her all year and pray for a good outcome.

Last night my mums mare also foaled a filly. This year we have had 2 fillies which is great and a relief. Sadly though I know for as long as I have horses at some point u will have to deal with lose again. But is it bested to of loved and lost or never loved at all.

I really hope the time can heal you as it has healed me. Good luck with what ever you decide to do. Pm me if you ever need to talk. Good luck x
 
Sorry to hear of your loss. I did exactally as you did, bred from my mare to prodce my next horse, Hugo was everything i wanted and more sadly he died at 8mths old whilst livign out at the stud after weaning (he had lukemia - PM gave us that result there was nothing i could have done even if i knew) i was a mess for a long time and even went off my mare as i partly blamed her (wrong i know) anyhow he would have been 3 on the 4th June and i still think about him all the time this year has been hard as i think of the what we would have been doing now...breaking him etc,
O what i'd do just to have 5 min with him now to see what he'd grown into alass that will never happen.
I have a free covering back to the same stallion but still Im not ready to do it, hopefully the time will come (the vets have advised the chances of the same happening are VERY silm)

ps i have his ashes at home and when the day comes that my mare goes to I will put them together somewhere special
 
kerilli said:
i think that, as with grieving over the loss of a person, the only thing that helps, eventually, is time, which deadens the pain........
(very sorry if that sounds heartless, though.)
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Agree with this totally so that makes me heartless too I suppose.

Like with the death of a person (and I'm not comparing the two for a minute, there is no comparison,) you have to move on. The world doesn't stop because your world has crashed, it still keeps spinning and you have to keep up; it won't stop you thinking about things that might have been but you can't alter what's happened so face up to it and move on.
 
sammiea said:
i have his ashes at home and when the day comes that my mare goes to I will put them together somewhere special
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I have my foals ashes at home as well. Wasn't sure I wanted them back, but I was pretty certain I would regret it later if I didn't have them. As my foal never got to see any part of the world, they will also go with my mare when the day finally comes.
 
Thankyou so much for all the lovely replies. It brought tears to my eyes. So emotional right now.

With Norah, she was fine on her first day with us, she ate and seemed bright. the vet even said to put her out in the field (was lovely really becuase it means I have hundreds of lovely photos of her with her mummy) but during the night she went downhill. she was unable to stand and was rushed to the vets the following day. They told me she had septecemia, a collapsed lung and that her intestines did not work. To keep her going into later life would have cost absolutely thousands and eventually the kinder thing to do would have probably been to put her to sleep, but I begged that they tried everything. It wasn't to be, she passed away in her sleep shortly after 10pm 19 March 2010.

she was perfect. She was huge. I'd dreamt for so long about the moment when I'd have my own foal. (I sound like a child, but you know, it wasn't like that) I dreamt that she'd be skewbald but never thought she'd be competely white except a brown head! And the comedy of it all was having smoeone announce she was a colt - so little Norah spent the first day of her life as Noah! I often wonder if, if she could understand what we were saying, she'd be yelling "FOR GOD SAKE, I'M A GIRL"

I didn't take her ashes back, as I find that concept of that (animals and human) a bit creepy but I kept a lock of her tail and some of her forelock which i will always treasure. Someone also made me a bracelet with 'Norah' written on the silver.

As someone has pointed out, it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. She was amazing and I know that had she have made it into later life she would have provided me and my whole family such joy & fun. We would have galloped round cross country, we would have BE Evented.

x
 
(((HUGS))) and I wish we didn't have to feel the pain we do, but if we didn't then it would mean we didn't care and I wouldn't want that.

My foals, like your Norah, are all very much planned and dreamt about and I suppose for me they are a substitute family - I always wanted a large family but to cut a very long story short I had 10 pregnancies, 3 of them with twins by IVF and have one beautiful daughter now 16, born at 29 weeks - I lost her twin at birth, another daughter at 26 weeks and a son born at 24 + weeks who died a few days later, the rest I lost between 16 and 20 weeks.

With my mares I have had 2 foals slipped at 7 to 8 months, 1 born 6 weeks early and then I lost Holly too, and a still born filly, a colt foal I sold got grass sicknes weeks late and was PTS aged 8.5 months. Then my lovely Louie is having problems. I want to stamp my feet and scream sometimes that life is not fair and I have had more than my fair share of grief but in reality it will make no difference. The members on this forum have been my biggest source of comfort since I lost Holly and her colt in March and my heart aches for all those on here that have lost mares or foals this year.

I suppose you just have to carry on and hard as it seems time does help to dull the pain. You will always remember her and you have some gorgeous photos to treasure. I would try again but when you are ready. I was ready to give up after Louie was born but the birth of Ellies healthy colt last week has restored my confidence and I will breed again just with a years break.

Sadly my best friend may lose her Filly today so all in all I think it has been a really bad year for breeders.

In time you will be able to look back and remember Norah with smiles and also know that you did everything possible for her and during her short time she was well loved.
(((HUGS))) and don't hold it in when you feel sad, talk about her and cry if you feel like it and if anyone ever says 'its only an animal' kick them!!

xxx
 
Made me cry again now as well! You don't sound like a child. I was exactly the same and I am 37.

I am so glad you have lots of photo's. We took 4 of Storm and I have them saved on my computer, backed up to disc, in my photobucket account, just everywhere so there is no chance they will ever get lost.
 
BayJosie, you and TheresaW's stories really broke my heart.

Because here's me, with a mare I barely did anything with, who wasn't scanned, who wasn't given the best of care, who spent the snowy period shivering in a field without a rug and only then was she started on hay and feed, who was moved into a stable a month before (and managed to hang on for a month after, cowbag) and who had me, my family and a couple of friends present with her, no vet.
I did no Ig testing and only found out after Dorey foalled that her vaccines had been forgotton about.

And yet right now I have a smashing, healthy foal. I didn't dream about riding her, I drempt about riding Dorey again. Had no dreams and aspirations other than getting Dorey showjumping. You could argue that I didn't want my foal. Just Dorey back.

I find the whole situation horribly cruel. After Norah passed, I sat in my stable blubbering that I might lose Dorey. It hit home how dangerous this thing called breeding is. I worried about River too, and if she'd be okay, but I really wanted Dorey to come out ok. I wished she had never gone to stud, I wished she'd slipped it, I wished a lot of horrible things.

I don't know when it's going to get better for you guys, but I know this year has proved you don't need to be a top stud with the best facilities. You don't need to be a worried owner checking every five minutes. You don't need to leave your mare out in the snow to her own devices.

When Mother Nature wants her children back, her call is indiscriminate. She'll take anyone's baby.

As long as I own her, Dorey will not foal again. I cannot bring myself to go through what you have, or worse, lose Dorey.

I think you're really brave putting Josie back in foal. Don't change a thing though, keep dreaming, keep hoping, because I don't think you did anything wrong.
 
What a terribly sad post, i'm so sorry.

I don't think you ever get over loss as such but the raw emotion does fade in time. I think we grieve for the loss of what might have been and the opportunities missed. I also think there might be anger at a foal having her life cheated away from her. There are so many unwanted, neglected horses where death would be a blessing and you have had one who would have been loved and cherished with all that brings.

My mum lost a newborn who lived for 2 days and she was distraught, its quite natural to feel bereaved.

xx
 
Harper_Gal said:
BayJosie, you and TheresaW's stories really broke my heart.

Because here's me, with a mare I barely did anything with, who wasn't scanned, who wasn't given the best of care, who spent the snowy period shivering in a field without a rug and only then was she started on hay and feed, who was moved into a stable a month before (and managed to hang on for a month after, cowbag) and who had me, my family and a couple of friends present with her, no vet.
I did no Ig testing and only found out after Dorey foalled that her vaccines had been forgotton about.

And yet right now I have a smashing, healthy foal. I didn't dream about riding her, I drempt about riding Dorey again. Had no dreams and aspirations other than getting Dorey showjumping. You could argue that I didn't want my foal. Just Dorey back.

I find the whole situation horribly cruel. After Norah passed, I sat in my stable blubbering that I might lose Dorey. It hit home how dangerous this thing called breeding is. I worried about River too, and if she'd be okay, but I really wanted Dorey to come out ok. I wished she had never gone to stud, I wished she'd slipped it, I wished a lot of horrible things.

I don't know when it's going to get better for you guys, but I know this year has proved you don't need to be a top stud with the best facilities. You don't need to be a worried owner checking every five minutes. You don't need to leave your mare out in the snow to her own devices.

When Mother Nature wants her children back, her call is indiscriminate. She'll take anyone's baby.

As long as I own her, Dorey will not foal again. I cannot bring myself to go through what you have, or worse, lose Dorey.

I think you're really brave putting Josie back in foal. Don't change a thing though, keep dreaming, keep hoping, because I don't think you did anything wrong.
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Thankyou for that. I often think of your mare cos I think our mares were pregnant and due around the same time?

I'm not puting her back in foal though? I've done an awful lot of soul searching and decieded i need a break from this horses lark. too much heartache and stress and i need some time out to grieve and to spoil myself, so i'm putting her out on full loan for a year or two...maybe more, until i'm over this completely.

x
 
You don't.

They say that hearts don't break. What they don't tell you is that they can be so deeply wounded that they never fully heal. Time takes away the sudden grasping for breath as the gut wrenching pain sears through you, but nothing will ever stop the wellhead of tears that will always be there when you think about your baby.

Life is pain. Without it we wouldn't be alive to the rare pleasures.

I am so sorry for your loss.
 
JRR said:
You don't.

They say that hearts don't break. What they don't tell you is that they can be so deeply wounded that they never fully heal. Time takes away the sudden grasping for breath as the gut wrenching pain sears through you, but nothing will ever stop the wellhead of tears that will always be there when you think about your baby.

Life is pain. Without it we wouldn't be alive to the rare pleasures.

I am so sorry for your loss.
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You have summed it up beautifully. Thankyou.
 
Apologies, Theresa sent me a message and pointed out I had gotton Josie and Dolly confused.

Dorey and Josie were I think due within days of each other, Josie foaled the week before Dorey was due. Dorey then hung on for another four weeks!! I was truely devistated that what started off as a friendly race ended so tragically for you.

I do, however, understand your wanting to give up. When I lost Carrie I announced I never wanted another horse again. And I stuck to it. If it wasn't for my evil Mum buying a fat, fluffy gypsy pony and leaving her in the field knowing I'd be aching to get on her, I'd never have bought Dorey.
7 years down the line and you can see how that turned out!

The immediate pain never really goes away. I think of Carrie and it leaves me heartbroken all over again. But for want of a better phrase, you learn to live with it. The moments you feel that pain get fewer.

Good luck with whatever you do have planned.

xx
 
Yes, I remember, we were having a bit of a race! Josie ended up being 3 weeks late anyway! Vet says little Norah was quite happy in there but as soon as she got into the outside world she couldn't cope, probably why Josie was hanging on to her in there :(

Like you, I vowed not to do horses anymore or ever again. But I know there's a part of me that will always be devoted to them. I have managed to find an absolutely amazing loan home for Josie where she will be loved and treasured, meanwhile I can concentrate on ME for a while. I think that's really important personally.

xxx
 
It's over 20 years since I lost my mare and then her foal 3 weeks later (even after finding a foster mother) and I still hurt when I think about them. You never forget. I can totally empathise with what you and everyone else who has lost a foal /mare is feeling.
It seems to have been a very very bad year this year for mare and foal deaths.
We have a beautiful healthy foal this year and I am so grateful but must admit that I worry about every little thing that happens to him but for my dughter's sake can't show it. The birth was traumatic as he was so big and it took about 1 hour from her first contraction, even with us helping. Things can go wrong so easily and quickly.
You will never forget but time does deaden the pain.
 
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