How do you say goodbye?

B

Bens_Mum

Well-Known Member
Joined
30 September 2008
Messages
1,118
Visit site
This week has been about the longest of my life waiting for my boy to be PTS tomorrow. I can't sleep i'm so stressed and I thought that I was doing well and had come to terms with it but today I just cry and cry.

I'm lucky in that I work for myself so I've got away with not doing much at all. I have tried staying away from him then I feel bad but being there makes me so desperately sad.

Hes not had a great week but this morning of course he looks fantastic cue massive breakdown. I truly can't believe how painful this is. I so want to call the vet to do anything but I know its not fair to him and would only be for me.

My friend is holding him tomorrow I know that I would let him down badly I've done all my others before but he is very different and I know my state will upset him too much.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I don't know if to go up in the morning and try and spend some time with him or if its kinder to stay away. I really wanted to brush him but hes acting very erratic so I can't really take him out of the field safely and his eye sight is very poor so I don't want to upset him. I so want to do it right but I don't have the words I miss him so badly already and hes not even gone.
 
Imo, the best thing is to approach this from the horse's POV. Give him the best day, that he will enjoy, that he can have within the limitations of his condition.
Personally, I stay with mine, I feel that because they are special, I owe it to them, in return for all that they have done for me.
You will probably find it easier afterwards, to concentrate on memories of the things you did together.

Thinking of you.
 
Pearlsasinger said:
Imo, the best thing is to approach this from the horse's POV. Give him the best day, that he will enjoy, that he can have within the limitations of his condition.
Personally, I stay with mine, I feel that because they are special, I owe it to them, in return for all that they have done for me.
You will probably find it easier afterwards, to concentrate on memories of the things you did together.

Thinking of you.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I have always stayed but I am really in a bad way over this one and as hes being shot I don't want anything to go wrong or him to be upset. My friend is doing it who feels him so he should hopefully not think anything is a miss and those doing it are very good. He doesn't like needles so it seemed the best option.

I think i'll go back up later when its quiet I just don't want loads of people about interfering i'm not someone who goes in for public shows of emotion.
 
My honest advice? If he is well and happy at this moment, then chat to the vet. Say you cannot cope with a pre-planned PTS and want to be able to call it a day on a day when you feel it is right. I did this with my mare. I spoke to my vet and said I would call him one day and just want the deed doing there and then. I don't mean waiting for an emergency, or for when the horse is suffering, but waiting for a day when you absolutely know it is right and are with him and can cope with it that day. I know others will disagree, but unless your horse is suffering then I believe it is absolutely the right thing to do for your long term peace. I am so sorry xx
 
Go up later and spend some time with him, cry, sob, wail, he won't mind...
Give him lots of treats & hugs. He's so lucky to have an owner who knows that he's struggling and who would rather he went with dignity....

He will be absolutely fine with your friend - if she usually feeds him he'll like her and feel relaxed. You could pop up again in the morning and give him a treat so your last memory is of him happily munching.

I promise you that this is the worst part and that tomorrow at this time when he's gone you will feel relief (for him and yourself). I won't say that you won't be incredibly sad still, it never gets any easier - I'm sat here saying all this with tears rolling down my face coz I've been there more times than is my fair share really and I have two old ponies who might not be up to another winter...

Sending virtual hugs - horse owning is very hard at times...
 
Its such a painful time for you, been there got the tshirt. He has no preconception and will be perfectly relaxed and happy with your Friend. You need to ask yourself, would you being there distressed upset him?. You wouldn't want that. My view is better now while he is feeling well, you will see this afterwards. Sending you a hug. Its the kindest act in life that we can do for our beloved horses and pets even though it breaks our hearts.
 
Thank you so much. I guess that you are right. I think this must be the worst bit. What a good idea i'll go shopping and buy him all his favorite things and we can have a picnic.

I have been here before too but my hand was forced this time I had to choose. I think that is why this is so hard he could be dragged on a bit more but its not whats right for him at all he won't take the medication and has started acting really oddly spooking at nothing not knowing people. There is clearly something else going on as well as the cushings and the lameness i'm pretty sure he can't see. Other horses are beating him up which never happened before he was always the aggressor. Poor little man hes so loved.
 
Better a week too early than a day too late. It is the hardest part of having horses in my opinion. I put down my favorite horse nearly two years ago and I am crying now just thinking about it, I still miss him. I wish you strength and your special horse a quick end. I think it is good to hang out with him before he goes, these memories will be very important for you down the track. I don't think you need to be there at the very end unless you really want to be, he doesn't know anything is going to happen. take solace in that. You are doing the right thing for him, hard as it is.
 
I always get them in to a routine before they go, so on the day its just like any other. It also helps me. I use the hunt so I leave them with the hunt staff and go for a walk for 20 minutes and when they come back they are gone.
So if your friend normally feeds him I would let her do that and try not to worry. Most fallen livestock people are used to coming out quickly, so if you do not like the premeditation get one you can ring the night before.
To be honest its sounds as if you have both been through enough, time to let go.X
 
Thank you for sharing what you have all done. Its the hunt staff coming and they are very good and kind. My friend will stay with him he will be fine with her there my being in a state will stress him out. I'm looking at old pictures and he really isn't the same horse hes half of it seeing those older pictures hammers it home.

I'm going to get some bits and treats together and go up in a bit. I'll hand the money and everything over so I can just pop in tomorrow morning as I normally would then keep out the way. Its amazing how they hold your heart hes had more of my tears than any person ever has.
 
I know what you mean. When my mare was going to be put to sleep I wanted to be with her as much as possible, but it was so painful and sad to be there. When I was at home I wanted to be with her but when I was with her I wanted to be at home.

In a way it was a relief when she went as all the waiting and stress was over.
I was upset, sad and lost but it was the only thing I could do for her.
I was at peace with the desison because it was the right and only thing I could do.

If I was you, when you are ready, go up and say your goodbyes, spoil him with his favourite treats, take photos if that's what you want, clip a bit of mane or tail. Cry with him. Then leave him be.
If your not going to be with him say your final goodbye and remember him as he is.
I'm so sorry for you.
I know how hard it is.
 
I couldn't hold my old boy; I was hysterical with grief and he would fed off that and been distressed. My wonderful friend who he knew and trusted totally was with him.

Do what is right for you and your horse, only you know what that is. You are not a lesser person if you decide you can't do it.
 
So very sad for you, most of us have been in the same position and some get into our hearts more than others.... It's agony....all I can say is what a lucky boy to have been so very loved by you . Thinking of you and him X
 
I felt awful in the lead up to my son's loan pony being PTS. I felt so sick the day before and on the morning. The hunt was coming to do her and a very kind friend had offered to hold her. We said goodbye the night before, I'd told the children that I was taking her back to her owner. Gave her some carrots and left. That morning I got her in, cut a piece of her tail off and my friend took over. There is really no right or wrong way to do this, you do what you feel comfortable doing. At the end of the day a peaceful passing is in everyone (and equines) interests. ((HUGS))
 
The absolute worst bit for me, and it was a planned PTS, was not the actual death of my beautiful old friend, but going down in the morning to feed her and seeing her happy face watching over the door for her breakfast, and then her obvious pleasure at finding it contained lovely sweet coarse mix and no horrible tasting drugs. A ghastly cold and clammy hand gripped me completely and I felt just awful about what I was doing. I had to carry on around her as though it was a normal day while I waited for the vet to arrive. Once his car turned in though and I had explained through my tears why I wanted to have her put down (they have to ask I believe) I was able to detach myself from the situation and deal with it as though it was just a normal vets visit. I guess I'm quite lucky in that I can do that. I had it all again 6 months later when my dear old cat went the same way.

Good luck OP. I promise that you will feel some relief when it is all over and the pressure is off you.
 
The waiting is the worst part by a long way. My horse had an injury before Christmas and we fought and fought for him but couldn't go on and even though there was no choice the 48 hours preceding him being PTS were awful. I was with him when he was shot and it was ok, sudden and quite a shock in that respect but for him he had his head in a bucket and knew absolutely nothing. I kept saying to myself "he knows nothing, he knows nothing". It's horrible but when it has to be done it has to be done.
 
The waiting is definitely the worst bit but you know you have made the right decision for him.

Stuff him full of goodies today and know that your friend will make sure he's safe for ever.

Also sending you big hugs.
 
I had my boy PTS just over a year ago and it still upsets me thinking about it. Ive held a few friends horses when its been done but i was in far too much of a state to hold him so i took him down the drive and handed him to my husband and ran back to the yard to stay with the others whilst the hunt man did the deed. The noise was unbearable but i know it was the right thing to do. All he was concerned about was stuffing his face in the big bucket of nuts i had given him when i handed him to hubby. You are doing the right thing for your boy and we won't be aware what is happening. Go and enjoy a picnic with him and leave with those memories. Will be thinking of you tomorrow x
 
I've lost two but both due to accute issues. With the second I managed to be practical, in that I went and got loads of apples and stuffed her full of as many as she would eat whilst waiting for vet to arrive to pts (she had a broken back leg in the field). Whilst mine was forced I had luckily spent some time with her the night before just fussing her and taking pics - I'd just moved them to a green paddock and my last memory before the incident is seeing her happy, enjoying the fresh grass. Try and make your last memory a happy one,treat him, fuss him, make him feel special - it does help. If you can't hold him don't worry - he will be with someone he knows and trusts. It is awful and I will be thinking of you but you're doing the right thing for him x
 
Bens_Mum said:
Thank you for sharing what you have all done. Its the hunt staff coming and they are very good and kind. My friend will stay with him he will be fine with her there my being in a state will stress him out. I'm looking at old pictures and he really isn't the same horse hes half of it seeing those older pictures hammers it home.

I'm going to get some bits and treats together and go up in a bit. I'll hand the money and everything over so I can just pop in tomorrow morning as I normally would then keep out the way. Its amazing how they hold your heart hes had more of my tears than any person ever has.
Click to expand...

I am sure it will all go smoothly. I prefer to have them shot, and as we never sell on, we have had to organise it several times. It sounds as if the delay between the booking and the actual event hasn't done you any good at all. We always make sure that they have their head in a bucket and, honestly, they know nothing about it. Our local hunt brought their own bucket of feed!
Your plan sounds like a good one.
 
It's amazing what a place they have in our hearts isn't it?

It's worse at home I went to see him and he's not him anymore. The sparkle is gone he's unable to see very well and is jumping at nothing. He couldn't find the sweets on the floor I had to put them in his mouth and because he was shying at nothing it's hard to do much but he doesn't seem distressed at all. It's almost like dementia I think that he has some sort of tumor in addition to the cushings and everything else he's clearly breaking down slowly. He's much better at some points than others that's why it's so hard.

The wait has been horrific and I'm sure tomorrow will be sad but seeing him everyday when he's a shaddow of himself is so hard too. It's the right thing and that has helped me a little.
 
the hardest part is now, make a big fuss of him, spoil him and say goodbye and leave your friend to feed him as normal. he wont know anything is different and will not be upset... when I lost my last horse who I had owned from15 months to 24years old I cried for most of the week and immediately after the deed was done but then I couldn't cry anymore , but also felt relief that she had gone without knowing what was going to happen. I had her sedated and stayed with her feeding her mints until she stopped chewing them and was almost asleep on her feet and then left my friend and the vet with her and as I walked away the gun went off and I didn't look back. it is a horrible thing to have to do but we owe it to them. my current horse is 25 and has advanced cushings so I know her time is limited and I will have to go through it all again...and will do so as soon as her quality of life is compromised. good luck tomorrow...
 
I left Catembi at the vets. He'd been there several times before, the most recent time about 2 years beforehand for xrays & remedial shoeing (totally unrelated to final illness) so he knew that all that would happen is he'd stand about for a bit, get some xrays done & I'd be back to get him in a few hours' time. So I left him eating hay, gave him a brisk pat & went. As far as he knew, it was just another boring morning at the vets & I didn't want to be upsetting him by hanging round his neck & wailing. It sounds so awful to have patted him & gone, but I didn't want to distress him or for him to realise that anything was up & it was the only way I could manage it.

As everyone else says, the waiting is the worst part and you'll feel better once it's done.

T x
 
I have nothing to add, as I've never been in that position before with a horse. But I think I'd want to spend some time with him tomorrow, create a last amazing memory, take loads of photos.

All the best to you, I will be thinking of you both tomorrow. x
 
I've very recently had the best horse I have ever had PTS by gun.
I agonised for ages and the run up to it was awful. I knew I couldn't be there when it was done and I didn't want him to see me upset. So I went in the morning, fed him a bag of carrots, gave his arse a good scratch (his favourite thing) and then left when the knackerman arrived. I don't regret not being there for one minute.
Once the deed is done dealing with the grief I have found to be easier than the distress in the run up. Thinking of you x
 
**DO NOT READ IF THIS IS A SENSITIVE SUBJECT FOR YOU**






was in this position for the first time this year - I have had one PTS previously and left him at the vets, I don't regret that one bit but this time I knew I had to be there for Frodo's sake.

It was just as I had imagined - he spent the day in his field in the sunshine, I wandered out and brought him his tea, we walked up to the top field while he had mouthfuls of feed, the lovely knackerman simply asked me to stand behind him, covered Frodo's eyes with his arm and that was it - over in a second. I apologise if that is too detailed and upsets people, but it helped me greatly to know what it would be like - I remember saying in astonishment "it is just like they said, they drop instantly" I hope all goes well tomorrow xxx
 
Thinking of you. There is literally nothing harder.

I couldn't have beared a long wait for my girl. I initially decided with my vet on a Thursday evening and had planned to have the weekend with her and have the vet out again on the Monday. But by the Friday morning, I could bear no more and begged them to come straight out.

On the Thursday, after the decision was made, my friend arranged for a local photographer to come and take some pics of all 3 of my girls together. I cherish these and still look at them everyday - over a year later.

She had laminitis and there was no way her last day and night was going to be stuck in on box rest so we filled her full of iv pain relief and she spent the night with her friends. In the morning she came back in and we lay together in the stable a while. Then about an hour before the vet was coming, my friend turned up with bags of carrots and polos and we took her to the grassiest field on the farm and she stuffed herself silly. That is where she then went to sleep.
I stayed with her holding her, talking to her and reassuring her right until she went down. Then I left. I could see in her eye that she was anaesthetised as she went down so I feel reassured that I was there when I was needed and comfortable with my decision to leave when I did.

My friend stayed until the end (I work at the vets anyway so the vet and nurse were both friends and colleagues too) and then took my other two down to say their goodbyes to her.

As strange as it sounds, it couldn't have gone more smoothly - from the decision to the deed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I miss her everyday, but I know it was the right thing for her and I felt a sense of ease once it was done - just like everyone said I would.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top