How do you say goodbye?

I really feel for you but believe me, this is the worst part. I had my boy shot in April this year and the absolute worst worst part was waiting after I'd booked it. I felt sick everyday, and I was so anxious that something would go wrong as he was very highly strung and could be really hysterical about things.

I was with him right up until the knackerman arrived and he took over at the last minute - I spent the last hour or so with him just feeding him loads of carrots and apples and giving him lots of cuddles. I groomed him a bit too - pointless really but I felt better giving him a bit of a tidy up because he was really muddy from living out. When the guy arrived and came over, I gave him a last cuddle and a kiss and then walked away, and it was over less than a minute later. That was when the grief really hit me, but it was much easier than the dread and anxiety I'd had before - and was also a relief that it was over and done with.
 
I knew with minto the night before what was going to happen and had the vet coming out at 8am the next morning to confirm. Awful night. Vet came and agreed. We agreed it would happen at4pm. I stayed with him all day in the stable, he was calm, lay down a bit. He was sedated and I stayed with him till the end. It was really calm.
However shortly after I had to have my other horse pts. He had been injured and had been at the vets for over 2 weeks. The vet rang me in the morning and said he has deteriorated to the point we had already agreed to pts. I drove straight over. However i didn't stay. He was distressed and I didn't trust myself to stay calm when he was so distressed and the last thing he needed was for me to make him more anxious. So I said goodbye and left the vet and nurses to do it. I felt he knew them well having been there for so long so wasn't being abandoned. I firmly feel i made the right decision for both of them.
 
It's incredibly hard, I knew only the night before I had to have mine PTS 2 weeks ago. I'd been away for the weekend and came back to find him on 3 legs with what was likely acute laminitis. At 30+ there was no fixing it without months of box rest which would have been really unfair on him.

The hardest part was phoning the vet in the morning, while my horse had his head out of the stable window whickering at me. He was still bright eyed, still happy, but his body let him down.

I held him until the vet had to take over and stayed until he was gone.

I still look for him in the field, 5 and a half years of driving past and looking out for him, it's a hard habit to break.

For some reason I was ok last week and but now back to being a blubbing mess this week.

I've got to make the decision again in the coming weeks for another one, I'm dreading it :(

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow OP.
 
Oh god Bens Mum, I am having the hunt come for my mare tomorrow too. For various reasons I had to pre-plan the day about 10 days ago. It has been the most horrendous time. I have cried so much. I just keep thinking of walking away and never seeing her again.
Just remember you are doing this for him and he will not know anything about it.
I hope you get some quiet time with him in the morning before he goes. xx
 
Thinking about you today OP. I hope everything goes as well as can be hoped in the circumstances. Stay strong. You are doing the most responsible selfless thing we as horse owners can do for our horses. He will be free of his pain so take comfort in that.
Once it's all done; give yourself time to grieve and be sad, cherish your memories, and above all be good to yourself. Hugs xxxxxxxxxx :(
 
I'm sitting at my desk at work thinking of you today OP. My heart goes out to you and I know how you feel having gone through this twice in 6 months. It does get better and easier but it takes time, please be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. You are a true horse lover and owner....not everyone can say that. Putting your horses needs before your own is the ultimate act of kindness. Take care. xx
 
I've said my goodbyes. I didn't care about getting trampled and actually he let me cuddle him and we stood together in the field for about half an hour. Took a couple of nice pictures where I'm not totally hysterical. He was really calm it was odd and very affectionate again totally out of character I talked to him and it was like he listened.
Sat in the car now sobbing I can't really face going in the house and seeing all his pictures and everything.
I miss him so badly already that it actually hurts. I don't want to say here what's happened but the last two years have been horrific and the things I have done to hold on to him. He's always been there at some of the worst times of my life not having him anymore is just awful.
Thank you to everyone who has been so kind it really has meant so very much xx
 
I saw my friend clinging to her horses neck sobbing into its mane the night before her horse was due to be pts and its something that is ingrained in my memory forever. So if you cannot control your emotions or don't feel like you can then you really need to stay away, otherwise its not fair on the horse who will pick up your emotions.

I've had a previous horse pts and I was in shock and felt blank, like I had no emotion at all. It was very surreal. I was like that with our dog of 14 years also, very blank, no crying, just chatting away to the vet as the deed was done, people must have thought I was very callous, yet as soon as I was outside the surgery I cried my eyes out. I guess everyone deals with it differently but we have to put aside our grief at the time for our best friend.

I'd like to add that those who have the day booked a week in advance, I think you are all very brave. If I have to make the decision about my boy I will want the deed done there and then, I cannot think of anything worse than having to count down days, hours and minutes and waiting. I get anxious thinking about it anyway, when the day comes -my heart races and my legs feel like jelly - that's just thinking about it, never mind doing it. I would be incapable of waiting any length of time - I know I would. Each to their own, its a matter of personal choice at the end of the day.

big hugs xx
 
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applecart14 said:
I saw my friend clinging to her horses neck sobbing into its mane the night before her horse was due to be pts and its something that is ingrained in my memory forever. So if you cannot control your emotions or don't feel like you can then you really need to stay away, otherwise its not fair on the horse who will pick up your emotions.

I've had a previous horse pts and I was in shock and felt blank, like I had no emotion at all. It was very surreal. I was like that with our dog of 14 years also, very blank, no crying, just chatting away to the horse like normal, people must have thought I was very callous. I guess everyone deals with it differently but we have to put aside our grief at the time for a best friend.
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The last one was injection and I was the same no emotion at all the vet asked my friend if I was ok. This time I've had a long time to think and he's so special to me.

My friend is with him I've come away I don't want him upset or sad when they come.
 
You poor thing, I have been reading through these posts welling up. I have no idea what your going through as I am yet to go through it but it will come one day and even thinking about it makes me well up.

You have done a very kind thing by your horse - cherish your happy memories. Sending virtual hugs xx
 
I read this post this morning and got quite upset, thinking about how awful you must be feeling. Been thinking about you today and really hope that you're okay. Xx
 
I was awful this morning felt better this afternoon and now this evening I'm in floods of tears again it just comes and goes in waves it's so hard.
I can't imagine it feeling better anytime soon. He really was my rock silly as it sounds and I can't believe I've cried all over him for the very last time.
I do have another horse but it's never going to be the same he has taken such a piece of my heart with him
 
Oh darling. It does hurt, beyond what words can describe. You will cry many times more, but each will move you closer to being able to remember with smiles and not so many tears. Hugs.
 
Thank you all the support here has really helped and meant so much X
He went off with his head in the feed bucket totally relaxed I couldn't have wanted more than that I just hope that moving forwards to thinking of happier times will happen I hate to see all the pictures round the house and not be able to smile anymore
 
glad it went ok for him, obviously a bad time for you.....time really does heal and you will be able to think of him and smile eventually..i have been through this 3 times and it never gets easier to make the decision or to deal with how devastated I felt afterwards....I can now look at pics of my old horses and remember the good times and not the bad things....hope you soon feel better and remember that he is happy and pain free now...
 
In the coming days and weeks you will find that you cry a little less and smile a little more. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself. Sending massive hugs xx
 
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