How do you TACTFULLY tell someone their horse is dangerous?

Tickles said:
In this case the group of horses & riders clearly isn't suited to going out together. No harm in saying that. No need to criticise any of the horses/riders in so many words.
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I agree with this. You don't need to tell her that her horse is dangerous, just that you don't think you hacking out together again is wise.
 
joeanne said:
I can see what you are saying, but she had gone off, not stopped, and left me (and my 10 yr old) to deal with the end result of her lack of control.
She had also been gone a good ten mins, and daughter's pony is an oap who was out for a gentle amble. Not up to a 10 minute stretch of trotting in order to catch her up.
And I was in danger of loosing the plot and really shouting at her....again something I dont want to do in front of my girls.
Home seemed like the most sensible option!
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Aaah, see that detail sounds like you thought it through, which I'm guessing is more than she did! :)

joeanne said:
Might be something I can try Kenzo.
She knows that a group of us regularly hack out, but I guess we could swap that to a weekday as she only hacks out at the weekend.
Its more the risk involved for others that makes me feel I ought to make her understand that her horse is a bit of a nut job, and her actions are really not acceptable behaviour. You really cannot tootle off if you have caused someone else injury or damage (a proper apology would have been a good start!) especially if that person needs your contact details to claim on your insurance for the damage done.
Its silly because if it were anyone else I would have thrown the book at them. But the minute I mention her behaviour and her horses lack of control she will start to cry. Then I feel bad. Guess I need to toughen up!
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Why change your plans if its her that's the problem? In being afraid to tell her (assertively and not aggressively, mind) what the real problem is you're pandering to her and perpetuating her behaviour. It won't be pleasant, but if you can assertively say "I really enjoy your company but, I just want a quiet hacks for me and the kids and our elderly pony, and there have been too many near misses and/or accidents when my family have hacked out with you, so I think its best if we don't hack together, but why don't we catch up with a coffee later on?"
 
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tbh she doesn't sound a responsible person at all, I wouldn't be offering her my horse to ride! But that's your call......

I don't think you ditched her as she shot off well out of sight without even calling back to you that she'd wait for you further up the road.

I would avoid the situation and hack out when you know she can't. But then, I'm a woose!
 
Tell her as that as a mother your attitude to risk is very different from hers. For you anything that increases the risk to your children is a big no-no. What may be acceptable for some adults (not all!) is not when children are involved. You could also ask her why she trotted off after squashing the cyclist?
As to the crying, it smacks of emotional blackmail which to me is one of the lowest forms of manipulative behaviour and would kill off any sympathy I might feel stone dead.
 
nothing worse than a manipulative crier! you have to harden your heart a bit and not let that tactic work, because it is a tactic.

there used to be a girl like that in work and it used to drive me mad! eventually the approach that worked was, as soon as she cried i'd say "i see you're upset at this, but its a logical situation that needs a,b or c as an answer, when you get calm down and get your thoughts together come back to me and we can discuss it'. then firmly walk off and do something else

at the start she would follow me and plead her case, then i'd say look you don't need to justify what you did to me, i don't need to hear it. the issue is i was left with x, y and z

if she gets upset walk away and say "i see you're upset at this, when you get calm down and get your thoughts together come back to me and we can discuss it' and walk off
 
She probably cries because deep down she knows she is in trouble with horse (by the sounds of it), and you saying it aloud makes her face up to it.

You don't have to make her feel bad or slate her horse (even if you would really love to!). Just explain that riding out is your quality time with your children, that you treasure the time with them and that you don't always want company.

Good luck, however you approach it! :)
 
Agree. It sounds like your friend with the problem and not the horse. and she sounds the sort of person with an incredibly selfish attitude who I would want to distance myself from as much as possible when it comes to horses.

I would just explain that you feel hers and her horses behaviour is dangerous and irresponsible and you don't want to add risk to an already risky hobby, especially with your kids involved.
 
benson21 said:
Something like, really sorry, but after the other day and the incident on the bridge,I dont feel yr horse is safe out hacking, I am not comfortable coming out with you, but I am more than happy for you to ride one of mine.
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Or... I'm not comfortable about my children riding out with this horse- maybe even mention the fact the younger is scared?

I dont envy you though its really difficult
 
You don't, your childrens safety should be priorty number 1!!!!!

You are a mother, you know how these things affect children, you need to protect them. They are already voicing their concerns - you need to listen to your children and think about what is best for them.
 
dieseldog said:
You don't, your childrens safety should be priorty number 1!!!!!

You are a mother, you know how these things affect children, you need to protect them. They are already voicing their concerns - you need to listen to your children and think about what is best for them.
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^^ this hits the nail on the head I think. Its the bottom line isn't it. Who would you rather was upset, your friend or your children? Your children come first every time
 
I'd tell her straight. Why pussy foot around her? Yes be tactful but at the end of the day this friend needs to be aware of her actions. If she asks to hack with you again just say..

"Afterlast time, I am sorry no. I have to think about my children. You are more then welcome to ride one of MY horses but I have to put the safety of the people I am hacking with first."

I mean how stupid of her to trot away, did she have much choice in the matter or did the horse trot off with no breaks? Either way what if one of your daughters horses bolted after it?? Even if she was leading the horse it could of ended badly.

Yes I can see the fault on either side, but at the end of the day either her, her horse or whoever she is hacking with is going to get hurt. Sometimes with friends you have to be cruel to be kind and just tell them straight before someone gets injured. If she was really your friend she would understand that you are trying to help her.
 
Ok so I wasnt there to see what happened, but if this rider trotted away quickly, was she aware of whether the cyclist was injured or anything? Or was that left for you and your children to deal with.
Polite but firm, your children come first.
 
Be strong, no matter how manipulative she gets. Better to see a grown woman shed a few false tears than real ones from your kids if they get hurt.

Would it help to offer to help finding an instructor to improve her control or would this be taken as an insult?
 
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Well...I'm with you on this one OP:)

I lead my horses over a motorway bridge- I don't like heights- no point in my fear making them worse. We go over on foot, in one piece.

She trampled a pedestrian and trotted off to let you deal with it....she should have waited for you get over the bridge and re-mount safely before buggering off.

Tell her you don't feel safe around her horse- its her horse, her choice- as is yours to avoid it if you wish....
 
Bit ironic that out of the five riders who set out the only one who actually got a hack was the one the rest of you were kindly nannying. Since she didn't phone you until the afternoon I'm assuming you all got back, untacked, turned out, consoled your kids and friends for missing their hack etc; while she was still merrily mangling bicycles on the heath. So she can obviously hack alone. What if the ponies start napping when you get to the bridge in future, they might think that's the bit where they go back again. I'm annoyed for you.
 
No need for enemies with friends like this, if she 'dumped' on you by leaving you to sort out the cyclist how else would she 'dump' on you? :mad:

Dump her!
 
her horse did nothing any other horse wouldnt do when meeting a cyclist on a narrow bridge, sad that you say the horse is dangerous (its rider is) also if she rode one of yours what is to stop her from riding across the bridge again, the horse only does what its rider tells it, kindly tell her when you are out riding with your kids you dont want her to tag along as it is quality mommy and kids time, and other times just the two of you can go for a hack. simples, but please stop calling the horse dangerous.
 
I would say to her "Sorry, I cannot ride out with you - my child is only 10"
And I would then give her all the time she needs for her apparently tiny brain to figure that out. :)
 
A woman on our yard has a horse that frankly just wants shooting. It is dangerous on the ground. It barged out of the field and ran into a stable block. I had a headcollar in my hand so went to catch him. It literally pinned its ears back at me, aimed and ran me straight over. I now have a really painfully lower back problem and this only happened a week ago.

If same horse ever barges out again, I'll leave it and i'll sue. There is absolutely no way I will ever bother to try to catch it and I'll be going to tell the yard owners that they need to ring this woman to come and catch it because i'm not going near it.

I don't think you need tact - I think you need honesty.
 
Goodness, you have the patience of a saint to have gone for more than one hack ever with her! She appears to show no manners to you, your family or other road users.

I would say this the next time she suggests hacking together:

"thank you so much for offering, but I have been thinking about that incident last time we went out (over the bridge and the cyclist), and adding that to all the previous times when [your horse] has misbehaved, I've realised that I can't enjoy spending time with you when he's in the there. So - I'm sorry to say that I have made a decision that I'll decline your offer of hacks with [him].

No, honestly I am sure about it - my riding time is for my enjoyment and that of my family - so it's a definite no, I won't hack out with you and [him].

Thanks for your understanding, anyway - fancy a coffee? ;)"
 
Anonnymouse said:
I'm not so sure that the problem is the horse to be honest.........
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If your friend handles her horse in the same competant, efficient way she rides it in company, I'm not surprised it's bargy. I get the distinct impression that she is not terribly experienced either in horsemastership (as it used to be called) or equitation. She certainly has no idea of how to hack out safely. I'm wondering how long she's had this horse, that now has a reputation for being "dangerous" and "difficult" when actually it's just tried it on with someone, and then not been b****y well squared up properly so it carries on and gets worse, because it can.

(My cage has been rattled today, and my patience is non existant at the moment, so probably I am a bit "sharper" than I would be.)
 
Tell her exactly what you've said to us :) But to me sounds like she ditched you?!!

Selfish to put others in a dangerous situation - esp a pedestrian/cyclist.....that could end very badly.
 
horserider said:
Its your perogative to choose not to ride with a particular horse/rider. Better to be honest than do as you did. Leaving another rider on another hack without letting them know is not acceptable. It could have caused serious difficulty for the rider.
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But her friend already had left the scene...she clearly disregarded the woman she backed into, as well as the safety of the other 2 adults and children with her. Therefore, she pretty much had it coming.

jendie said:
Maybe she trotted off at speed because she was worried her horse would push the woman, the bike and itself over the bridge!!
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If she was worried, she would have not only apologized (more!) to the woman, and then announce her intentions, rather than riding off without a explanation.


I'd tell it to her straight. All of you felt in danger, and you and your children's safety come first. Like you say, you can also offer up one of your horses if she wishes to ride together. If she has a problem hearing the truth, than that's her problem, not yours.
 
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