How long did it take you to 'get over' PTS?

[IrishMilo]

I feel like I'm going backwards in terms of my grief rather than finding it easier. Horse was PTS three months ago and initially I felt relatively fine but the more time goes on, the more I miss him, question whether I did enough and just cry at the drop of a hat - I can't even look at pics. I know grief isn't linear but is this 'normal'? How long did it take you to process the loss of a horse you REALLY loved and feel OK about it? I thought I would buy another one straight away but I haven't even been looking really.

 

[Michen]

Oh no IM I am sorry to read this.

when I lost Basil I definitely got worse before I got better. His was a bit different as it was sudden and catastrophic so I had no time to prepare. I went through a phase of reading his vet report over and over again obsessively. Whilst the initial sobbing my heart out phase all day passed, I was in some ways in a worse state 3/4/5/6 months later.

I bought Boggle unseen less than a month after I lost Basil because I couldn’t bear to view horses but couldn’t bear to be without one. So buying one with the intention to sell and not love seemed easier. That added even more complicated emotions into the mix but in the long term helped, though the first year not so much.
Just to add my experience of buying a “new” horse

Honestly it’s nearly four years on and I still get a massive lump in my throat whenever I look at photos or memories pop up. But I can smile about him now too.

I don’t think you will feel truly “moved on” until you have that relationship with another horse, for me that was 2 years. But the tears will stop soon in that you’ll have more control over when you want to allow yourself to have a cry. Xx

 

[ponyparty]

I definitely wasn't there in 3 months. It was more like 6-7 months for me to get over it to the level where I could start thinking about getting another (on part loan, I won't own again for a few years now). But I still tear up when talking about the events leading up to his death. Grief definitely isn't linear - I found I would think I was ok, and then the most random little thing would set me off. I still dream about him now sometimes, but it's less upsetting now and more of a "nice to have seen him" feeling.

 

[Michen]

IM this thread I posted at the time may resonate. This was 7 months later..

https://forums.horseandhound.co.uk/threads/grief.753577/

 

[Annagain]

It's still very early days, and everyone grieves differently. Give yourself as much time as you need, there's no limit to it and no 'normal'.

When I lost Eb, I bought Archie within 3 months but Eb was more or less retired and I had started to tentatively look for another one before I lost him very unexpectedly. I had major guilt, thinking Eb knew and chose to go rather than make things hard for me - which is ridiculous but just goes to show how irrational grief can be. I did all the things I had to do almost on autopilot - cleared out his stable, tidied away all his things - in the first few days so I thought I was fine but once that initial stage was over, it took me a good few months before I could go into his stable at the yard. I still well up sometimes thinking about him, 15 years on but for the most part it's with laughter at his bonkersness and smiles at the memories of great times.

And everybody on here knows how much you did for him - you definitely have nothing to question yourself about that.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

I don't think I ever 'get over it' tbh. I come to terms with it. And 2nd guessing yourself is quite normal, I still wonder if we could have done more for one horse I had pts. The answer is, in the circumstances as they were that night, 'no'.

I miss every dog, cat and horse that I have ever owned but we have to move on. It was 2 yrs before sister and I 'replaced' our first horse after he was pts in an emergency, for various reasons, but ever since, we have started looking almost immediately afterwards. Except for the last 2 when we had already planned to decrease the herd size and just have the 2 youngsters. Although that was the right, sensible decision, I don't think it has helped either of us to get on with moving on, really.

 

[Pinkvboots]

3 months is no time at all really I could still easily cry over the 2 I have had pts, one was over 10 years ago the other was 6 years ago so don't be hard on yourself, I think with everything else going on its not an easy time to have to go through this as well, I think it was easier as both times I had other horses that needed looking after and seeing to.

 

[Shilasdair]

I had my Tb PTS nearly ten years ago, and I still miss her.

The more you love them, the more you miss them - it's the price of love.

And there is no 'normal' - just let it wash over you, OP, like waves on the beach.

 

[Meredith]

I would think most of us have experienced this pain.
Everyone grieves differently.
In over 50 years of horse ownership I have had horses PTS.
The grief just changes and somehow softens.
I can still get a lump in my throat when something triggers a memory of my first pony who was PTS in 1992 aged 27.
Tears are normal so let them fall but remember the good times too.

 

[Austen123]

i had my old horse for 10 years through my teenage years and young twenties. My mum was more involved then and also loved her as she knew she could wave me off to any event or drag hunt and i would come back safe every time. she was worth her weight in gold. she had an traumatic sudden field injury at the age of 19 where she tore her suspensory and tendons (tbh, it is a blur as i was a sobbing mess). i didnt know this when the accident happened, i dropped her off to the vets for them to investigate the sudden lameness and got a call that afternoon with the start "im really sorry..." . They didnt really give us another option but PTS.
my mum drove me to the vets so we could say goodbye. When my mum went into the office afterwards to sign paperwork the vet said well we could operate but her chances of recovering were really really slim. I have come to terms with her death, i know even if they did operate her chances were so slim and months and months of box rest probably wouldnt have suited her. However, my mum, who didnt have the same bond with her that i had, has never come to terms with her death and holds herself completely responsibility for not trying to operate. to this day, she says she cant watch the lloyds advert without getting a lump in her throat and talking about her will make her well up as she feels completely responsible for the decision ..even 5 years on.

 

[doodle]

6 years down the line and it still hurts. It is maybe a slightly different hurt but just as bad. I can look at photos without welling up but I can’t talk about what actually happened in anything other than brief bullet points. I lost 2 in 7months which made things very hard. I still have the wish that I want to go back and have just one more day.

 

[deb_l222]

Probably not what you want to hear but I lost the last of my horses over 6 years ago and I still can't bring myself to have another.

My problem though is Tommy was on and off lame with chronic abscesses for 2 years prior to having him PTS, with multiple procedures to try and 'fix' him. I would love another horse but just the thought of them getting ill or lame makes my head explode so I don't.

Me kind to yourself, express your grief on here, with people that will understand it's not 'just a horse'. You will know when the time is right for another. It may be tomorrow but it may be never. Don't force it though or you may make a mistake.

 

[cowgirl16]

I don't think that you ever truly "get over" anything you lose that was very dear to you - four legs or two. I lost my old boy over 3 years ago now - he was 33 - we'd been together 31 years. I had 2 horses at the time so didn't go through the anguish of finding a replacement for him. The grief never leaves you - it just gets a little easier to bear.

 

[Gingerwitch]

Years, some I still cannot display their photos.
I also tend to move from yards where I have had a horse pts. I dont know if that is a sub conscious reaction or not.

 

[Gingerwitch]

Hugs xxx

 

[ITPersonnage]

IM I am sorry about your boy he was lovely, I lost my girl about a year ago and I do feel the lockdown and rubbish year we've all had have not helped. Take care of yourself and don't feel pressured to "get over it", I am hoping it will start to feel better soon

 

[Rosiebelle]

I am 18 months on from having my boy PTS. I look after my friends horses so still at the yard, but found it really hard. I am now looking for another horse to buy feel so guilty even looking and hardly ever now ride. I have been told the right horse will find me to help me move forward to looking forward to this in the future. At the moment I feel like giving up horses all together.

 

[doodle]

And to add. I rushed into buying another horse. I was so devastated that I felt if I didn’t do it quickly I would never do it. People saying give it time etc. Horse shopping is a nightmare and in the end I rushed it and bought the wrong horse. I didn’t get on with him at all and I sold him after 6months. I thought I would never get that bond again so stop looking, then I went to see Robin and as soon as I saw him I had that nice feeling.

 

[windand rain]

Never is the sad answer but you do learn to live with it in time it is 50 years since I lost my boy in a horrific car accident I did cry a lot but cannot live without the ponies so my moving on was to invest time and energy in my next boy. I feel it important to feel you can think about them that they have a space in your heart and never truly die while you remember them

 

[lialls]

I lost my mare 4 years ago and have struggled to come to terms with it since. I was consumed by grief for a long time. After about 4 months I felt I was ready for another horse so I bought one, and then another one after that one didn’t work out and then another one which also didn’t work out and then I broke my leg and lost my confidence and started to question why I couldn’t make it work with these horses. And I kept coming back to the same thing in my head of ‘but they aren’t Boots‘ and I so desperately wanted what I had had with her again.

Last year I really missed riding and wanted to have another horse again to build that bond with so I contacted an Equine Consulting Clinic on Facebook, I actually contacted them to help with my lost confidence and fear after breaking my leg however I didn’t realise that she can deal with a whole range of emotional experiences. Her services have been really beneficial to me and I would recommend speaking to her when you are ready.

I still miss Boots and have a cry when I think about her sometimes but it doesn’t consume me anymore and I am able to live in the present not the past. I do now have a horse and we are slowly building a bond together, I know it will be different from the one I had with Boots but I think mine and Sally’s bond will be just as special in a few years time.

I am also aware that the BHS have got a bereavement helpline which maybe useful for you too.x

 

[Asha]

I think it depends on the circumstances and on the horse. Ive had ponies PTS they where old and ready to go,and i fully accept it was a kindness. I look back on them with great fondness. However i had Harry (my first homebred PTS) back in 2018. I couldnt mention his name without crying after 6 months. I bumped into someone at a BE event and they mentioned him and i started crying right next to the SJ ring/trade stands. I took some of his tail and his socks( he didnt have feathers just a bit of fluff,) and still to this day cant face looking at it, let alone making it into a bracelet. i dont think i will ever come to terms with losing him, just so sad.
I had Pip by then so didnt really ride him, but he was my absolute pride and joy. be kind to yourself and when the time is right you will know . So sorry for you x

 

[doodle]

I still have shoes and tail and can’t “do” anything with them. Also headcollors.

 

[IrishMilo]

Thank you for the lovely replies. I feel like I'm in good company here with people who understand!

 

[PapaverFollis]

Having the next/second horse already in situ has helped me I think. I still get very sad and cry about Granny horse if I let myself. Very nearly 2 years ago. I try not to go there too often as I don't think it is healthy and I think it is very easy to get trapped in grief. There's an element of choice after this length of time to me, this may not be true to others though. Early on the grief sneaks up on you still. I didn't look for a new horse straight away but was ok finding MrT 8 months later. Ideally I think I'd have held off a bit longer but we needed a friend for The Beast before we moved them to our new house from the livery yard.

I wouldn't worry that you are very much feeling it at 3 months. It's still early days. And with all the Covid stuff it's not easy to keep yourself busy and distracted either.

 

[Roasted Chestnuts]

Two years that November I put my soul horse down. I’m still not over it. Even although I have an amazing youngster I still miss my old boy and shed tears at lease once a week for him. He was my everything.

I love Faran with all my heart but Kia took a massive part of it with him when he left and the wee man is mending it, slowly.

 

[Chinchilla]

I'm so sorry you're struggling IM. not to knock what you are feeling at all but I think this experience of it suddenly hitting you when you think you're 'over it' is pretty usual, losing what is such a big part of our lives is a shock so it would be totally normal for it to almost not feel real for a period of time. But there is no 'correct' time frame for any of the grieving process; look after yourself, let yourself cry if that's what you want to do, remember the good times and that we all know on HHO that you did absolutely everything you could for Milo and he was one very lucky animal indeed.

 

[ownedbyaconnie]

Grief is one of those things that is completely personal to you. Don't compare yourself to others or try and label your grief and think you should be over it or feeling better by a certain point because that is not how it works.

With my cat I was beside myself for weeks, he was only 4 and was hit by a car so was very sudden and he died essentially on impact. What I found helped was having a particular nice memory of selection of memories to think about whenever I was feeling particularly low.

Don't put any pressure on yourself, just let yourself cry/mope/eat/throw things, whatever you feel like.

 

[ycbm]

The problem is that your horse was young and you had to choose to let him go when outwardly he looked well That's really, really hard. You did a good, strong thing, but it will probably take a fair time yet to totally come to terms with it. I'm sorry you're struggling.
.

 

[Gloi]

I had my oldie put to sleep 2 years ago and although sad I accepted it was time and it was pretty easy to come to terms with and be happy he'd had a good long life.
However I lost a yearling suddenly from colic about 15 years ago and I still can't look at a picture of her without being upset thinking of all the plans I had for her and the unfairness of it ?

 

[blitznbobs]

grief is grief it takes a long time... my horse of a life time was about 8 years before I stopped trying to replace him but I still miss him and would love to see him again