How long does it take to fully grieve a loss

[nuttychestnut]

Nearly 6 months ago I lost my first pony of 14 years to a broken leg. The loss was sudden and completely unexpected. She was 17 years old but I thought I would have at least another 6 years or more to enjoy her.
If I'm honest I'm struggling to stop the tears and feelings of grieve for her. She was more like a sister than a pony to me.
I've not lost anyone that I've had such a bond with, so is this behaviour normal?
Will I be able to start to look back and only have happy memories and not have to remember a detailed and vivid horrible flash back?
Sorry if I have brought back bad memories for anyone but it just isn't getting easier day by day. Plus I feel uncomfortable talking to a counselor as I think they might just laugh at me.
Thanks

 

[_GG_]

Nearly 6 months ago I lost my first pony of 14 years to a broken leg. The loss was sudden and completely unexpected. She was 17 years old but I thought I would have at least another 6 years or more to enjoy her.
If I'm honest I'm struggling to stop the tears and feelings of grieve for her. She was more like a sister than a pony to me.
I've not lost anyone that I've had such a bond with, so is this behaviour normal?
Will I be able to start to look back and only have happy memories and not have to remember a detailed and vivid horrible flash back?
Sorry if I have brought back bad memories for anyone but it just isn't getting easier day by day. Plus I feel uncomfortable talking to a counselor as I think they might just laugh at me.
Thanks

If a counselor laughed at you I would want to punch them. They should do nothing but help and support so do give that a try. To be honest, the grieving process never really ends, it just evolves. You could go 50 years and still have days where the pain cuts you in two. It should evolve to a point where you can remember your loved on, human or animal with a smile and enjoy happy memories most of the time. How ling that takes is extremely personal and different for everyone. I think you probably could do with speaking to someone but knowing first hand your position after losing Fly the same way in May...it is so unjust that it can be hard to process.

Look after yourself. Xxx

 

[Capriole]

No set length of time at all, how long is a piece of string. I lost a horse about five years ago and I'm probably still grieving, and lost horses more recently that I didn't really grieve for, just accepted.
counsellors will not laugh at you. They hear all sorts of stuff, and laughing at their clients pain would be a bad career move, at the very least.

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

It will take as long as it needs to for the hurt and loss to fade. It is always difficult with a sudden loss.

How about you try and contact the BHS? They have a friend at the end support system. They maybe able to put you in touch with someone to talk to.

http://www.bhs.org.uk/welfare-and-care/euthanasia-and-friends-at-the-end

 

[Illusion100]

So sorry to hear you are in such pain.

I lost a 3 yr old (shattered knee) 11 yrs ago and still feel sad about it but no longer the pain you are in.

I lost my beloved eventer last June, he was 25 and I'd owned him 15 yrs. I'm still very cut up about it, I think of him everyday and even typing about him now is filling me with tears. Yes, your behaviour is very, very normal. It will take a long time but may be helped with counselling.

Wishing you the best and although it will take time, it will get easier. PM me anytime if you want to chat. xx

 

[maccachic]

This may help (I can't find the original but this one is close):

Imgine a glass jar and 3 balls: a large one, a medium one and a small one. The ball is my grief and the glass jar is my world. The way people, including me, expect grief to go is that initially, like the large ball in the jar,mit takes over my entire world. It leaves no space to breathe, do or think of anything else. Then after a while, maybe after the first year, the grief shrinks. The ball is now a medium size and fits in the jar with some space around it. My grief is less, I have space to do other things in my world. After a while more, maybe after 2-3 years, the ball is now a small size. It fits in the jar that is my world easily. I could even ignore that it is there some times if I want to.



Does that sound familiar? Does that sound like your idea of grief? It certainly was my idea of grief before I lost Jane. Well, it is bullshit.

The ball of grief does not shrink. I don't want it to. It is the only thing I have left of Jane. What shrinks when you lose someone is your world.

So imagine this: at first, the ball of grief only just fits in the glass jar that is my world. There is no space to breathe or think of anything else. After a while, I am ready to expand my world a little. It is not the ball that shrinks, but the glass jar that goes up in size. As I venture out in to the world again, as I meet new people, do more things, the jar expands. There is now more space around my grief. It is still the same size but my world is bigger. As I continue to grow my world, the size of my loss, the grief, stays the same. But it DOES get easier to move around it.

Eventually, my world has expanded enough for my grief to not be in the way of everything I do all the time. It is not the grief that has shrunk, but my world that has grown. And that is the only way I can work around it, give it the place it deserves and still have a life beyond grief.



The original explanation of this is by Barbara Monroe.
http://emergencybunny.blogspot.co.nz/2012/01/ball-of-grief.html

 

[*sprinkles*]

So so sorry for your painful loss.

No counsellor will ever laugh at you. It's their job to support and guide you to work through your feelings and they are professionals. If you feel like this might help you to move on then it's something to think about but I don't think you've given yourself enough time to heal. Everyone experiences grief differently and it can be different day-to-day too. One day you may feel stronger only to fall apart again the following day - all normal. It's incredibly hard not only when a friend like your pony passes away but also when you are missing what was a huge chunk of your life which is what horse ownership becomes. You're not only grieving the loss of your dear pony, but also your lifestyle and your routine especially as it was so sudden. It'll take time to establish a new way of life.

I find being busy helps and it helps you get back that feeling of usefulness and normality. But don't be too hard on yourself, take your time. Find something you can enjoy and that you find relaxing and consuming that will shift your focus from your sadness. Don't try and push your feelings aside either though, if you need to talk about your pony or you need to cry then do. It's important to deal with your emotions and not just bury them. Don't feel pressured to move on, you need to grieve and it's healthy to.

I really hope you can start to feel better and remember your pony happily and all the wonderful things she brought you. It's not easy and it will take a long time but I promise it does get better.

 

[madmav]

So sorry you have lost your horse. Grief is weird. I am currently, for the third time, reading a very American, but hugely useful, book on losing your mother at a young age. Which I did. One of the striking comments in it is that people expect grief to be like going through a tunnel, that we will get to the other end and then everything will be normal again. It doesn't work that way. We can be fine, but then it can suddenly engulf us again. Be kind to yourself. And if you do have a therapist, talk to them. They won't laugh.

 

[Breez]

Time is a great healer. It's been 15mths since I lost my boy - and I can't put into words how much I adored that horse. The day itself still haunts me, but the fond memories of him surpass the sadness nowadays. It's a horrific experience and I really feel for you, but sooner or later you begin to be thankful for the time you were able to spend together, and that your paths ever crossed at all.

Sending big hugs

 

[Clare85]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. All of us horse lovers understand how it feels.

I lost my beloved Oliver almost 14 years ago. Tbh, the pain has never really gone away, it just rears its head less often. My feelings of loss are still very raw and sometimes a memory or a photo will just make me tear up and I have to find somewhere quiet to have a little cry and compose myself. It's the same with my beautiful dog Casper, who we lost last December.

It is like losing a family member and I really think talking to someone would help you. A professional counsellor would not laugh at you so don't be afraid of seeking help with your feelings. As someone else suggested, do contact BHS Friends At The End, who will hopefully be able to suggest someone. Don't be afraid to express your grief, it's important to let it out and there is nothing wrong with a good cry.

Time is a great healer and it does get easier to deal with. You will be able to look back with fondness and smile at your pony's memory, but you will also always have those heart wrenching moments. Take care of yourself x

 

[nuttychestnut]

Thank you all for your lovely replies.
I'm glad I'm not alone with my feeling and time frame. I'll stop putting pressure on myself to get over her.
As I have another horse I did have to visit the yard the next day, I think this might have been a bit of a mistake.
I will give the BHS a call as find a local counsellor to speak with.
I just want the memories of that evening to disappear & the feelings of regret. Did I say bye? Did I tell her I loved her? God I can't even remember hugging her in her last moments. It still doesn't feel like it was me who saw it and dealt with the whole thing. I don't normally cry in public but I was wailing and screaming like a child, I even let the vet hug me.
I feel massive regret that I should have left work on time the days before the accident and spent more time with her, gone for a hack, brushed her etc. Also I'm not a massive photo/video person so I feel like I don't have many photos of her, I know I have loads but due to this digital age some people literally have 1000s.
She has taught me that time is precocious and to live in the moment and enjoy everything, no matter how small. Cliche (sorry!)

 

[minkymoo]

This may help (I can't find the original but this one is close):

Imgine a glass jar and 3 balls: a large one, a medium one and a small one. The ball is my grief and the glass jar is my world. The way people, including me, expect grief to go is that initially, like the large ball in the jar,mit takes over my entire world. It leaves no space to breathe, do or think of anything else. Then after a while, maybe after the first year, the grief shrinks. The ball is now a medium size and fits in the jar with some space around it. My grief is less, I have space to do other things in my world. After a while more, maybe after 2-3 years, the ball is now a small size. It fits in the jar that is my world easily. I could even ignore that it is there some times if I want to.

Does that sound familiar? Does that sound like your idea of grief? It certainly was my idea of grief before I lost Jane. Well, it is bullshit.

The ball of grief does not shrink. I don't want it to. It is the only thing I have left of Jane. What shrinks when you lose someone is your world.

So imagine this: at first, the ball of grief only just fits in the glass jar that is my world. There is no space to breathe or think of anything else. After a while, I am ready to expand my world a little. It is not the ball that shrinks, but the glass jar that goes up in size. As I venture out in to the world again, as I meet new people, do more things, the jar expands. There is now more space around my grief. It is still the same size but my world is bigger. As I continue to grow my world, the size of my loss, the grief, stays the same. But it DOES get easier to move around it.

Eventually, my world has expanded enough for my grief to not be in the way of everything I do all the time. It is not the grief that has shrunk, but my world that has grown. And that is the only way I can work around it, give it the place it deserves and still have a life beyond grief.

The original explanation of this is by Barbara Monroe.
http://emergencybunny.blogspot.co.nz/2012/01/ball-of-grief.html

I haven't had the loss of a horse yet but have of my darling grandmother. This ^^ is one of the best ways I've ever read about grief. No, it doesn't get smaller but your world gets bigger.

Thank you maccachic for posting this.

 

[Red-1]

Hi,

Whenever we talk of the Charlie horse OH and myself fill with tears. I cannot even read threads such as "should I hold my horse at the end" it is still too upsetting. We lost Charles 3 and a half years ago. No one has been in his stable since, and no horse in his field.

I agree a lot with another poster, only I don't see it as a ball, I see it as a hole.

I have learned that the hole they leave will never get smaller. Some horses, the hole can heal, some leave a hole that will not. What does happen though is that your world will get bigger as other things happen, new horses come, new people and experiences and joy. The hole stays the same size, and you grow.

I really would not worry about the last few days with your horse. I believe she is now in a place where time does not apply, she will only know the essence of your love over your time together.

When I had a trauma I saw a counsellor and it helped somewhat. I saw someone who did tapping and that helped somewhat too. What helped most though was the NLP technique of Time Line Therapy. You don't even have to re-live the experience.

The NLP would tell you to take the "learnings" from your experience. To me the "learning" that "time is precious and to live in the moment and enjoy everything, no matter how small" is a precious gift to cherish.

 

[Sukistokes2]

Too me OP it is clear that you loved your horse, it shines through every line, it is also clear that your love for her would have been clear to her, so through this you did everything you needed too.
Please find someone to talk too, they will not laugh your pain is too evident for that, it has really choked me up. I have always been so lucky I have only lost animals and people at advanced old age, with the animals usually after costing me huge amounts of money. Its hard to let them go of course it is, but it is easier in some ways because you know they have lived a fulfilled life. Loosing a animal in an accident, before their time must be so painful, full of what if........?

I still miss all of my animals and sometimes imagine they are with me and talk to them, especially my little dog, Spit, who was my heart.

There was a thread on here that was about animal ghosts, that one was a classic and filled me with hope.

I know that whatever happens the spirit of my animals are with me.


I wish you well.

 

[JJS]

A big part of me wants to thank you for posting this. I lost my lovely Thoroughbred mare in May, at nineteen, in the same way that you did. Like you, I thought that we had years left. She had a bit of grey on her face (that had started coming through when she was about fifteen), but she had never had a single 'senior moment' in our time together. She was never stiff, never slow and never tired. I thought that she would be there when I married and when I had children.

Since I lost her, not a single day has gone by that I haven't felt that loss acutely. It's not that I sob every day anymore, but that I well up all of the time, and walk around with a horrible lump in my throat. I, too, constantly wish that we could have gone for one last ride, and that I could have taken a thousand more pictures and videos, that I could have known when we were taking out last picture together... The list goes on. At first, it felt like the pain was getting worse not better. For a long time, it felt that way. But now, I'm noticing that, although it's not going away, that pain isn't rearing its ugly head as many times each day. I think that must mean it's getting better.

The way I see it, though, is that it's normal. I've lost my best friend, and you can't put a timeline on getting over a loss like that. I have a new boy now, and even though he's becoming a new friend, just like people, he's not going to replace her. Maybe one day I'll think of him as a best friend too. I'll never stop thinking of her like that though, and that's the thing that makes me smile sometimes, now, when I think of her. Try to hold onto that, because you very obviously loved her, and it sounds like you were blessed to find each other.

 

[nuttychestnut]

Thank you all so much.
I do agree that my world has got a little bigger, but red-1 said it is like a hole.
I can still remember the look on her face when she saw that I was catching her in. I think she knew it was the end of our journey together. I did stay with her until the very end. I couldn't walk away and leave her in her moment of need. I mean she never ran away from me when I needed her, even if she was the reason I was on the floor! For this I am proud of myself, I put her feelings before mine.
It hurts so much because she was my first pony. I was only 11 when I got her, she was a 3 year old unbacked Welsh C who was pretty much unhandled. What a great combination that was!! But she was my childhood, all my fondest memories contain her. Losing her meant I lost part of me and my personality as I was always know as Kayleigh with Lucy. Now I am mealy Kayleigh. However the current horse may gain me the name Kayleigh and the ASBO horse!!
Does anyone else find themselves speaking about their late horse as if they are still here?

 

[BayLady]

I really like Maccachic's post, I recognise things from it. I think that instead of a ball it is a hole though.

I lost my mare 1 year, 1 month and 24 days ago (I don't even have to work it out, I just know). I then lost my heart cat 5 months to the day after that. Last year was just awful. With both of my animals it was planned, they had long term debilitating illnesses that meant their quality of life was deteriorating. In both cases I made the call probably a bit earlier than was strictly necessary, but my mare was miserable and not enjoying life any longer and my cat only had more pain to look forward to and I couldn't be sure how she felt in herself with all the drugs and I thought better to call it early than too late.

Since I lost her, not a single day has gone by that I haven't felt that loss acutely. It's not that I sob every day anymore, but that I well up all of the time, and walk around with a horrible lump in my throat. I, too, constantly wish that we could have gone for one last ride, and that I could have taken a thousand more pictures and videos, that I could have known when we were taking out last picture together... The list goes on. At first, it felt like the pain was getting worse not better. For a long time, it felt that way. But now, I'm noticing that, although it's not going away, that pain isn't rearing its ugly head as many times each day. I think that must mean it's getting better.
.

This pretty much sums it up for me to. It was awful to start with, then seemed to get worse. My family and friends worried about me a lot I think. I can think about both of them now and don't always well up with tears or need to go off and sob afterwards, and I can remember them with fondness and even a smile at times. They're both ever present in my mind and I talk about them an awful lot. Yesterday I got a tattoo (my first) in memory of them both, which has actually made me feel better.

I have a new pony now, and another cat, both boys where I had girls before. They're very different and are making a place for themselves in my heart. They can't replace, and that was never my intention, initially I needed the distraction and a way to fill the void. Now they make me smile. Both will be specal in their own ways.

 

[kandor]

I still get upset looking at pictures of the horse I lost almost a year ago. My boyfriend couldn't understand how anyone could be so upset about a horse, but she was family. I'd say keep yourself as busy as possible to keep your mind off it. Good luck!

 

[Slightlyconfused]

Nearly 6 months ago I lost my first pony of 14 years to a broken leg. The loss was sudden and completely unexpected. She was 17 years old but I thought I would have at least another 6 years or more to enjoy her.
If I'm honest I'm struggling to stop the tears and feelings of grieve for her. She was more like a sister than a pony to me.
I've not lost anyone that I've had such a bond with, so is this behaviour normal?
Will I be able to start to look back and only have happy memories and not have to remember a detailed and vivid horrible flash back?
Sorry if I have brought back bad memories for anyone but it just isn't getting easier day by day. Plus I feel uncomfortable talking to a counselor as I think they might just laugh at me.
Thanks

end of may I lost my mare that I had had for 14 years, Im still in shock that she isn't there and isn't going to be.
She was fine then she wasn't and was gone.

14 years of memories is going to take a long time to come to turns with the fact she isn't there, six months is nothing. I know that in ten years time I will still miss her as badly as I do now but I will have been able to live with the fact she isn't there better.....if that makes sense

 

[BlackVelvet]

Honestly there is no time frame to feeling better. I just think you learn to deal with it differently, maybe in a more positive way. I still have days when I have a little cry nearly two years on, but I try to smile when I think of him instead. I sadly didnt get to say goodbye which still fills me with sadness, I also have to remind myself that there are worse fates for a horse than to be unconditionally loved by some and I think he knew that. I have his ashes and shoes in my garage and actively avoid going in there, although the otherday I did go and have a sit with him (sounds stupid I know!) I had a bracelet made from his tail hair, the fastenings started to rust so I found a jeweller who spend weeks handmaking fastenings for me. I got it back last week and had a cry, I wear it everyday. Your feelings and behaviour is completely normal.

I had 9 years of happy times with him, I saw him transform from a beaten old bag of bones to the most handsome honest horse I have ever met. Unfortunatly when you become a horse owner you also take on the heartache when they go for whatever reason. I always promised myself I would not be selfish to him for my own benefit and let him go if needed, but when the time comes it never seems like you are ready to say goodbye. I hope one day he will be waiting for me somewhere, wherever that place may be.

Im in tears writing this so its proof that how your feeling is normal x

 

[maxapple]

The only thing that makes grief easier is time.

I had to have my pony put to sleep last week. I sort of acquired him 5 years ago by mistake and he was such a character and its such a big hole now that he is gone. I think once the acceptance of losing them sinks in - there's just a feeling left behind of missing them desperately and wishing you could just have them back. I don't know how long it will be before I can think about him without feeling this horrible sadness, and at the moment it feels like I will never be able to, but I know there will be a time when I can. Its just such a big hole to fill, and when they are such a big part of your life, they take a piece of it away with them when they go. Its little things that can be hard too - like when it was raining hard last night I was thinking about him needing a rug for a second before I remember he's not here anymore.

I lost my first horse 8 years ago. That time I fell apart for a few days and remember feeling my heart was breaking. I couldn't even look at a photo of him without bursting into tears for months. I had a piece of his mane that smelt of him for years, I don't remember how long it took, but one day I was able to think about him and smile about fun things we had done together and now his memory is a nice happy one and I don't feel sad at all.

Take your time to get used to life without your girl, and seek help from a counsellor to help you cope. Lots of love x

 

[nuttychestnut]

Thank you all, so much. I'm sat in work with a few tears forming.
I did take two days off work as I just couldn't stop crying. I never thought her going would hurt so much. When you watch films that show someone dying I always thought that they were OTT, but now I know that not being able to walk and non stop crying/wailing is actually quite normal.
I still feel that losing my husband would have been easier than her. (My husband is in the army so we have pretty open & honest talks about what happens after)
Just talking this through is really helping, as I just felt embarrassed with my feelings. It has taken a few weeks to pluck up the courage to post this subject here.
I'm very lucky that I felt bonded with my current horse from day one, part of the reason I brought him really. He is very much similar to my pony, apart from being bay, 4hhs taller and 200kgs heavier! Hopefully he will give me my teenage kicks once he's better.
Thank you all again

 

[Annagain]

You will have that same relationship with your new horse in time. I lost my boy 9 years ago. He was 27, but fit as a flea so it was very unexpected. He had colic completely out of the blue and it was all over within hours. He was fine going into his stable at 7pm on the Monday and was down in his stable when I went to put him out at 6am, but had eaten all his hay so can't have been in pain for long. I still well up about it now and again, but mostly - especially as time has gone on - I'm grateful that he went without suffering for too long and he took the decision away from me. I've seen many old horses go on too long so I'm grateful that didn't happen to him. I hope you get to this point in the future - it might take you a while though.

I got my new boy about 3 months later, and for a long time he was compared (unfavourably, poor thing) to my old one who had somehow turned into a saint overnight - he was anything but! As time has gone on however, I appreciate my new boy for what he is rather than worrying about he isn't. He has melanomas which are inoperable due to where they are so I know I'll lose him sooner than I should - although not imminently I hope - and that's made me realise how precious he is.
Unfortunately we often don't realise that until it's too late.

 

[WelshRuby]

Couldn't read and leave - still can't put into words how I feel about losing Raggy 5 years ago - so am sending you a big hug

 

[3OldPonies]

Just wanted to say to the OP that you have my sympathy and I'd like to send you a huge hug. Losing one of our dear friends is an awful thing and we all deal with the grief in different ways, there is no right or wrong way to feel. However you are feeling is right for you and no-one should try to take away or cover up those feelings. If you feel you need to cry then there's nothing wrong in that, you'll find that the old cliche time is a great healer is very true. You'll never forget and you'll never replace your equine friend, but there will come a point when you remember good over bad and that will comfort you.

I had 4 days off work after the accident that took my little shettie from me almost 3 months ago, I was just no use to anyone, but I had to stay strong and go back to the yard to comfort my other two. We've grown so much closer since then, and I really hate it when I can't be with them. I know they are grieving too and we are supporting each other. They show me that they are still feeling his loss in the simplest of ways - a quick look in his stable when they pass and then a glance at the ground where he died. It cuts me up everytime they do it, but we all just have a hug and a few quiet words and feel sad for a minute, then the moment passes and we all feel a tiny bit better.

 

[fuggly]

oh love , i could've written this thread i too lost my boy in december to a broken leg he was also 17 , i'd had him for 10 years , it was the toughest time of my life and still is , i quite often have moments even though i have another equally wonderful horse ( not a replacement i had him already ), it does get easier i know this because i lost one 8 yrs ago and smile and chuckle about him . hugs to you and allow yourself to be sad and cry ( i do and i'm 49 ) it's completely normal . if you want to pm and chat due to the similar circumstances do xxx