how should i deal with these people at my yard that are knocking my confidence?

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kezza123

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hi i was wondering if someone could give me advice to be more confident and to have more belief in my horse's and my progress together. my horse is called Blu and he is 9 years old and still quite inexperienced and im 15 years old who rides and schools him. Blu is my mums horse however earlier this year we had a big family problem so my mother couldn't ride and we couldn't afford someone to ride him so i stepped up and became his main ride. however it has taken a toll on me mentally. i very much enjoy riding and always will but with Blu, i feel like i haven't made any progress compared everyone else at my yard. there a several girls at my yard who have these fantastic ponies that jump quite high, event, hunt and show loads. when i tell them about how brilliant Blu was that morning in the school and how much progress me and him are doing they would give a snarky comment saying that "im letting him down by being the rider i am" "there is no point in riding him because you're only going to fail" and " i feel sorry for your horse because he deserves so much better than you ".

when i see how amazing they are doing on the ponies and how me and Blu could never compare to them i start to have doubt in my ability to ride and achieving my goals of competing in a low level BE. now when i go down to see him i feel quite depressed and that i should've given up my goal ages ago. i love him to much to sell him and i am starting to come out of that dark place i was in and yesterday i got a slight moment of self belief and motivation! So now i am trying to figure out how to deal with these girls and how to build confidence; i was wondering if any of you have any suggestions for tackling this problem head on.

my thanks kezza xx
 
Do you have an instructor who can help you? A good one should help you to focus on what you and Blu need to work on. They could also help you to achieve your goals by breaking those goals down into chunks that you can tick off eg:
Goal - to ride a low level BE.
Current issues: Dressage - loses marks due to accuracy, mainly circles. To work on: do exersises supplied to improve balance. Target to do 20m trot and canter circles in good balance.
SJ issues - rolls poles due to putting head in the air. Work on suppleness and relaxation both when jumping and on the flat. Exercises / visualisations per instructor.

When you break your goal down into little chunks it's far easier to see the bits of progress you are making.
If the girls on the yard are snarky when you initiate conversation with them, then I simply wouldn't bother initiating conversation with them.
Focus on your goals and your bite sized chunks and plug away at them.
 
I know its easier said then done but ignore them.

I am doing a Mindful Riding course at the minute and one thing we discussed was that negative comments from people are often their own insecurities coming out at me for whatever reason.

I second getting a good instructor who can help you, even if they just help you focus on you and Blue.

:)
 
Bless you, that is really sad that other girls are being rude to you when the yard should be your happy place where you can enjoy your pony. That is actually nasty bullying behaviour and you should not have to put up with it. Have they always been like this? Are there others there who are friendly to you?
 
little_critter said:
Do you have an instructor who can help you? A good one should help you to focus on what you and Blu need to work on. They could also help you to achieve your goals by breaking those goals down into chunks that you can tick off eg:
Goal - to ride a low level BE.
Current issues: Dressage - loses marks due to accuracy, mainly circles. To work on: do exersises supplied to improve balance. Target to do 20m trot and canter circles in good balance.
SJ issues - rolls poles due to putting head in the air. Work on suppleness and relaxation both when jumping and on the flat. Exercises / visualisations per instructor.

When you break your goal down into little chunks it's far easier to see the bits of progress you are making.
If the girls on the yard are snarky when you initiate conversation with them, then I simply wouldn't bother initiating conversation with them.
Focus on your goals and your bite sized chunks and plug away at them.
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Yes I have a instructor who I could talk to about what me and him need to focus on to reaching that goal . Thank you for the the advice on putting the goal into chucks and I think by me doing that I will become a bit more confident because It dosent look so daunting now x
 
Leandy said:
Bless you, that is really sad that other girls are being rude to you when the yard should be your happy place where you can enjoy your pony. That is actually nasty bullying behaviour and you should not have to put up with it. Have they always been like this? Are there others there who are friendly to you?
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Yes they always have been like that however because my mum was riding and going down there alot more then I was I never really bothered by them. But now that I'm down there 5 x a week it really hard to get away from. My mum wants me to have more friends my age and they are the only girls that are in my range. But those are the only people I do t get along with in my yard x
 
That is no less than bullying and I'm disgusted by those comments. Please please ignore them. Set your self goals and quietly aim for them. When your hear such nasty comments hold your head high and ignore them. You have nothing to prove to anyone. And most of all enjoy your horse x
 
Dyllymoo said:
I know its easier said then done but ignore them.

I am doing a Mindful Riding course at the minute and one thing we discussed was that negative comments from people are often their own insecurities coming out at me for whatever reason.

I second getting a good instructor who can help you, even if they just help you focus on you and Blue.

:)
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Okay interesting . I am trying to have a few more lesson with my instructor to get my confidence back with blu and get our minds focus on our goal
 
babymare said:
That is no less than bullying and I'm disgusted by those comments. Please please ignore them. Set your self goals and quietly aim for them. When your hear such nasty comments hold your head high and ignore them. You have nothing to prove to anyone. And most of all enjoy your horse x
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That Is what i am going a try and focus on now aswell as my goal is to try and enjoy the horse without worrying about what other people think about me and his inability to do such things x
 
Good for you!

Unfortunately there are always cliques and to be frank bitches!!

Do your best to ignore them, yes they might be doing fabulously well, but from the sound of it none of them have produced a horse from scratch which is what you are doing. If their parents pockets are deep enough then they will be riding archetypal push button horses who no their job and will carry around an average rider making them look a million dollars. It takes far more skill and talent to produce a horse from scratch and even though you aren't achieving the same results as they are, you are learning and developing as a rider and trainer and will leave them behind
 
I like the quote “blowing someone else’s candle out doesn’t make your flame burn any brighter.”





Anyone who goes out of their way to belittle and put down someone else, with no cause, is someone who is deeply unhappy / insecure somewhere in their own lives.





It is a sign of their unpleasant or unhappiness not yours.





Horse owning and riding is for the long game.
 
Ok, then I think you have to ignore these girls completely. Even though they are your age and it would be lovely to be friends with them it doesn't seem they are welcoming and accepting of you and present. I would really advise not engaging with them at all because whilst they are being like this it will only bring you down. You keep working at your goals with your instructor and you absolutely will make progress. Your horse doesn't care whether you achieve competition goals at all you know, he will be perfectly content just being healthy and happy and well ridden, so don't worry about him. You could have a look for some books and videos on line to give you inspiration as to what improvements you can make in your riding, and for schooling ideas with your horse. Set yourself some achievable but challenging goals to work for. I agree with breaking it down by stages. Are you competing at all at the moment? What would you like to be doing by December?
 
That is bullying! I don't know how big your yard is, but is there other people on the yard you can chat to instead of 'those' people. I don't think you should be surrounding yourself with such negative people.

I agree with what others have said about setting your own goals and getting your instructor to help you with this.

Have you spoken to your mum about this? I think she need to know and if she feels the need to talk to the yard owner so they can keep an eye on things too.
 
Leandy said:
Ok, then I think you have to ignore these girls completely. Even though they are your age and it would be lovely to be friends with them it doesn't seem they are welcoming and accepting of you and present. I would really advise not engaging with them at all because whilst they are being like this it will only bring you down. You keep working at your goals with your instructor and you absolutely will make progress. Your horse doesn't care whether you achieve competition goals at all you know, he will be perfectly content just being healthy and happy and well ridden, so don't worry about him. You could have a look for some books and videos on line to give you inspiration as to what improvements you can make in your riding, and for schooling ideas with your horse. Set yourself some achievable but challenging goals to work for. I agree with breaking it down by stages. Are you competing at all at the moment? What would you like to be doing by December?
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Thank you. I have many book at home about dressage, jumping and schooling and with definitely look through them all. Both of us have never completed that's why I see it as impossible. Hopefully by December I would have gone full on hunting with him and would've gone over some of the hunt jumps which will give him and me confidence in each other x
 
Hanno Verian said:
Good for you!

Unfortunately there are always cliques and to be frank bitches!!

Do your best to ignore them, yes they might be doing fabulously well, but from the sound of it none of them have produced a horse from scratch which is what you are doing. If their parents pockets are deep enough then they will be riding archetypal push button horses who no their job and will carry around an average rider making them look a million dollars. It takes far more skill and talent to produce a horse from scratch and even though you aren't achieving the same results as they are, you are learning and developing as a rider and trainer and will leave them behind
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Exactly this!!

There is no better feeling than taking home a rosette won on a pony you produced yourself.
 
dorsetladette said:
That is bullying! I don't know how big your yard is, but is there other people on the yard you can chat to instead of 'those' people. I don't think you should be surrounding yourself with such negative people.

I agree with what others have said about setting your own goals and getting your instructor to help you with this.

Have you spoken to your mum about this? I think she need to know and if she feels the need to talk to the yard owner so they can keep an eye on things too.
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Yes I totally agree! My yard is bigger enough to distant my self from them and talk to a few others. I hope the lessons will give me an idea on what step I should take next x
 
babymare said:
That is no less than bullying and I'm disgusted by those comments. Please please ignore them. Set your self goals and quietly aim for them. When your hear such nasty comments hold your head high and ignore them. You have nothing to prove to anyone. And most of all enjoy your horse x
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Agreed, honestly as an adult (now) it is sometimes shocking what teenage girls will do/say and get away with. Despite the fact that they are getting away with it now this is totally unacceptable behaviour and they will learn this in a few years' time.

Do your best to ignore them, I know from bitter experience how difficult / impossible it is, but what they are telling you is utter rubbish. little_critter's comments are spot on, set your own goals and work towards them; you will make progress and in fact it sounds like you already are progressing.

I would not be at all surprised if these ponies they are riding cost a lot of money; their bullying all sounds rather entitled, i.e. they feel they are better than you. Chances are if you had their arrogance and expensive ponies you could jump as high, etc. etc. However that's not what's important - goals should be relative to a starting point, so if you've not done much with Blu yet, everything you achieve is progress, even if it's not spectacular. It takes a relatively mature mindset to recognize that though, and it sounds like you've got that.

I really feel for you - but keep going, and remember that sometimes (even though it's difficult) just smiling and nodding and carrying on is the best way. If they can't get a reaction from you (anger, upset etc.) bullying is not as fun and they may eventually give up.

By the way, I am thirty and my current goal with my new pony is to be able to do a nice calm walk and trot round the arena on both reins, with circles at both ends. Maybe some trotting poles. So you're probably already further on than me.

Best of luck.
 
dorsetladette said:
Exactly this!!

There is no better feeling than taking home a rosette won on a pony you produced yourself.
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Yes I hope it does feel good when I hopefully get a rosette with him and prove them wrong . But sometimes I forget that I am producing my own horse and get quite frustrated with myself when I dont feel like I've done enough compared to them x
 
im afraid to say as you get older they will not get any better

as i ran in to such a person a few weeks go, in the end moved my horse

stay strong keep your head high and know you are doing your best, not all of us have endless funds and have to make do with hat we have.

so they have ponies that jump to the moon, so what they go out and compete , to me personally its not about the ribbons or the trophies its about the bond and the fact that animal weighing a tone trust me enough to be sat on their back.

ignore the ignorance of others, any one can buy a pony that some one else has put the work in to, but real horse people work for there partnership
 
Ignore them. They are not worth your time or energy! I'm sorry they are being so horrible to you but it's information about them and not a reflection of you or your abilities on Blu.

Talk to your instructor about your goals and listen to their feed back on your progress. Nothing else matters. It's very hard not to compare yourself to others but they are different people on different ponies so the comparison with them is meaningless. You just need to compare yourself and Blu today with yourself and Blu last week/month/year and keep working steadily for progress.

Good horse training and developing your riding ability take a very long time indeed but the process itself is as important ( if not more so) than the end goal. I wouldn't have been able to get my head round that at 15 though! So for now just focus on working with your instructor and enjoying the time you spend with your lovely horse. Break down your goals into small steps and Just Keep Swimming! In a few months you'll look back and you won't believe how far you've come.
 
Teenage girls are quite frankly horrible a lot of the time, and to be honest as you get older you will encounter other people in different walks of life with similar attitudes.

So you kind of need to change your mindset to one of pity for them, and a response to them of that ilk might be worth it now and again

‘Sarah, are you okay? You must be really unhappy about something to be making such horrid comments to me. I’m sure you don’t really mean to make me feel bad’
 
Hanno Verian said:
Good for you!

Unfortunately there are always cliques and to be frank bitches!!

Do your best to ignore them, yes they might be doing fabulously well, but from the sound of it none of them have produced a horse from scratch which is what you are doing. If their parents pockets are deep enough then they will be riding archetypal push button horses who no their job and will carry around an average rider making them look a million dollars. It takes far more skill and talent to produce a horse from scratch and even though you aren't achieving the same results as they are, you are learning and developing as a rider and trainer and will leave them behind

Widgeon said:
Agreed, honestly as an adult (now) it is sometimes shocking what teenage girls will do/say and get away with. Despite the fact that they are getting away with it now this is totally unacceptable behaviour and they will learn this in a few years' time.

Do your best to ignore them, I know from bitter experience how difficult / impossible it is, but what they are telling you is utter rubbish. little_critter's comments are spot on, set your own goals and work towards them; you will make progress and in fact it sounds like you already are progressing.

I would not be at all surprised if these ponies they are riding cost a lot of money; their bullying all sounds rather entitled, i.e. they feel they are better than you. Chances are if you had their arrogance and expensive ponies you could jump as high, etc. etc. However that's not what's important - goals should be relative to a starting point, so if you've not done much with Blu yet, everything you achieve is progress, even if it's not spectacular. It takes a relatively mature mindset to recognize that though, and it sounds like you've got that.

I really feel for you - but keep going, and remember that sometimes (even though it's difficult) just smiling and nodding and carrying on is the best way. If they can't get a reaction from you (anger, upset etc.) bullying is not as fun and they may eventually give up.

By the way, I am thirty and my current goal with my new pony is to be able to do a nice calm walk and trot round the arena on both reins, with circles at both ends. Maybe some trotting poles. So you're probably already further on than me.

Best of luck.
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Thank you for the advice . You have described them perfectly their parent pay for everything and get pretty much anything they want and just sit on their ponies and let it do all the work. I do get quite frustrated with them because they don't understand how hard owning and producing a horse in your own is and how lucky they are to have that much money.

I also wish you the best of luck with your new pony . I hope both of you get achieve that goal and by the sounds of it you pony has a lovely rider working with himx
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kezza123 said:
Thank you for the advice . You have described them perfectly their parent pay for everything and get pretty much anything they want and just sit on their ponies and let it do all the work. I do get quite frustrated with them because they don't understand how hard owning and producing a horse in your own is and how lucky they are to have that much money.

I also wish you the best of luck with your new pony . I hope both of you get achieve that goal and by the sounds of it you pony has a lovely rider working with himx ]/QUOTE]

I was the kid that had the unmade pony and general lack of support (not even my mother was interested) and had to chug along in an affluent pony club always being the kid that got looked down on by most of the other mothers (not all I hasten to add).

What I have seen from then and through to now is that everyone has different pressures on them. Don’t be too quick to make assumptions on these bullies (like you have done above) there may be aspects to their lives you don’t understand.

Quite often these kids that seem to be handed stuff on a plate can have quite high expectations put in them by their parents to do or achieve X, Y, Z because they have spent many thousands on that pony that has shown they can do it. Sometimes that attitude then filters onto their peers who they are secretly jealous of because the peer is just left to enjoy a pony at their own pace
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Sounds like a right nest of vipers to me, Kezza. Would your Mum be open to moving him to somewhere more friendly? I don't think there is anything of value to learn from people like that.
 

Sorry that was wrong of me to judge is that they never seem to have any regard for anyone elses feelings on how they speak and act towards other horses
 
Fransurrey said:
Sounds like a right nest of vipers to me, Kezza. Would your Mum be open to moving him to somewhere more friendly? I don't think there is anything of value to learn from people like that.
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Discuss this with my mum but she's not open to moving and I have to deal with them in a way that is easy and nice way x
 
kezza123 said:
Sorry that was wrong of me to judge is that they never seem to have any regard for anyone elses feelings on how they speak and act towards other horses
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Not wrong 😃
Just might make it easier on you to accept/manage if you can turn things around in your head.
Teenage years are hard!
 
One or two things to think about. A horse is a lot harder than a pony, you have to think a lot harder and prep for a movement earlier. Ponies for what ever reason are wired to respond quicker, successful pony riders often do not do well on horses. Ponies by the time they get to 10 have had several riders and learn to adapt, family horses may only have one or two riders, they soon become set to one way of being ridden. So you and your mums horse are still learning to speak the same language.
This aways cheers me up. A novice horse makes you look a novice rider. This also applies to a horse that’s a difficult ride. Its more difficult to look proficient on a horse when you are constantly trying to rebalance yourself or prevent it doing something it shouldn't. My daughter once won best rider on our old pony, but he did all the work, he could not go on the wrong leg. The girl that was last in the class was actually the better rider, she made the best of a very naughty ride.

In riding you learn all your life, because it not just learning to sit on a horse, understanding how to get the best out of it. I would imagine that those girls who are trying to bully would struggle. I say trying to bully you because no matter what they say the only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. While having a go at you they are showing their weakness. They are jealous. Don’t try and compete with them, you have your own path. If they say something nasty, smile sweetly. Not reacting or appearing to upset is the most annoying thing. I use this on rude people in shops, the ruder they are the more smiley I become, until they crack and give up.
As I am old fogey you would say that’s easy to say, but
I taught my two daughters to ride on ponies and horses that were perhaps not the best lookers and sometimes they were made fun of at PC, even if they did as well as expensive mounts.
Just keep at it, if you can not afford lessons get a good book about riding and use the exercises in it. Not wanting to improve is the only failure you have to worry about.
 
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