how should i deal with these people at my yard that are knocking my confidence?

[bonny]

Maybe remember that not everything in life is a competition, having horses is supposed to be fun especially when you are young. It sounds like you are all judging each other instead of trying to enjoy what you have ?

 

[kezza123]

One or two things to think about. A horse is a lot harder than a pony, you have to think a lot harder and prep for a movement earlier. Ponies for what ever reason are wired to respond quicker, successful pony riders often do not do well on horses. Ponies by the time they get to 10 have had several riders and learn to adapt, family horses may only have one or two riders, they soon become set to one way of being ridden. So you and your mums horse are still learning to speak the same language.
This aways cheers me up. A novice horse makes you look a novice rider. This also applies to a horse that’s a difficult ride. Its more difficult to look proficient on a horse when you are constantly trying to rebalance yourself or prevent it doing something it shouldn't. My daughter once won best rider on our old pony, but he did all the work, he could not go on the wrong leg. The girl that was last in the class was actually the better rider, she made the best of a very naughty ride.

In riding you learn all your life, because it not just learning to sit on a horse, understanding how to get the best out of it. I would imagine that those girls who are trying to bully would struggle. I say trying to bully you because no matter what they say the only person you have to prove anything to is yourself. While having a go at you they are showing their weakness. They are jealous. Don’t try and compete with them, you have your own path. If they say something nasty, smile sweetly. Not reacting or appearing to upset is the most annoying thing. I use this on rude people in shops, the ruder they are the more smiley I become, until they crack and give up.
As I am old fogey you would say that’s easy to say, but
I taught my two daughters to ride on ponies and horses that were perhaps not the best lookers and sometimes they were made fun of at PC, even if they did as well as expensive mounts.
Just keep at it, if you can not afford lessons get a good book about riding and use the exercises in it. Not wanting to improve is the only failure you have to worry about.

Yes okay. I am starting to realise now that it's the horse that makes them look good. I've been riding blu for about 1 year and a half. I'm not the most experienced rider and half the stuff I'm teaching I'm teaching myself. I mostly look at some schooling books i have; me and him have benefited from that greatly x

 

[kezza123]

Maybe remember that not everything in life is a competition, having horses is supposed to be fun especially when you are young. It sounds like you are all judging each other instead of trying to enjoy what you have ?

Yes I know it's meant to be fun and for me it and always will be with Blu. but the comment i have been told about me do sometimes stick in my head and I'm trying to change my mindset and not care what they think x

 

[Leandy]

Thank you. I have many book at home about dressage, jumping and schooling and with definitely look through them all. Both of us have never completed that's why I see it as impossible. Hopefully by December I would have gone full on hunting with him and would've gone over some of the hunt jumps which will give him and me confidence in each other x

That sounds great! So once you have done that, can you book a session to go cross country training? If it all goes well, you could try a small hunter trial next. If it doesn't, then you will know better what you need to work on. How is your jumping at home? If you can generally get around a course, you can go out to a competion.

 

[Pearlsasinger]

Teenage girls can be very unpleasant to each other, especially when they are feeling insecure themselves.
I suggest that you ride Blu and go home and talk to your mum about how he is doing, rather than telling the girls at the yard. I bet Mum will be much more understanding about and appreciative of the work that you are doing with the horse.

I think you also need to stop putting yourself under pressure. Unless he has hunted with your mum and you know that he is sensible, I really wouldn't take him hunting this season, wait until autumn hunting next year, work towards it by taking him to xc clinics and hunter trials, so that you have something to work towards.

 

[Baywonder]

Oh sweetie - they seem like a really nasty bunch of bullies. As others have said, please try to ignore them, and focus on you and Blu. Is the YO any help or aware of these girls and their antics?

With the help of your instructor, keep your goals in sight. When you win your first rosette you will feel so proud - and don't forget to come back on here and tell everyone about it!

 

[hihosilver]

This is vile behaviour and is bullying. I would talk to your Mum and really think about moving as it really shouldn't be like this- its not normal. If your mum wont move write down what they are saying and doing so you have recorded actions. Try to ignore as the less bothered you seem they will hopefully get bored. Talk to YM if needs be show her the evidence. Btw its most likely to be jealously!!!

 

[little_critter]

Also - keep a diary or a note book. Write down your goals and your bite sized chunks. Then make a quick note after your schooling sessions eg worked on X, found he was having difficulty with Y, tried Z. Next time we need to work on A. Then you can look back and see what problems you used to have and have now worked through. You will always have something you need to work on, be that riding an accurate circle or perfecting one time changes....something always needs work but you will see that you are getting over each hurdle.

 

[Jill's Gym Karma]

Unfortunately this kind of negative, belittling behaviour is found in schools and workplaces all over, but I personally think it can be particularly virulent amongst teenage girls in a horsey environment.

Bullies thrive off the reactions they create. Pretend not to hear them, that you're in a day dream. Look slightly bored with whatever they say, humming to yourself. They will eventually tire.

Also nothing to stop you being friendly with older people on the yard. I'm always impressed with the maturity and manners of the teenagers we get doing RDA volunteering; they might enjoy your company if you're polite, keen and willing to learn/help.

 

[Highflinger]

I think you are probably doing a lot better than you think and those making the nasty comments feel threatened that you are progressing and will overtake them. I have leaned that most nastiness stems from jealously and fear - they are jealous of your Blu, your dedication and your ability.
They will probably shortly outgrow their push button ponies and have to move on to horses - that will show up the "riders" from the "passengers". When I was 15 a number of friends moved up from ponies to horses - only one carried on riding - all the others the ones I though were the "wonder" riders gave up after a few months as they found a horse too much.
If you are having instruction and doing your own reading you will definitely progress. The one piece of advice I would give my 15 year old self is not to care so much about what others say.
Keep u the good work, enjoy Blu and good luck.

 

[vmac66]

As long as you are happy with your progress and your horse is happy then ignore them. There are people on my yard that go out competing every week and look down their noses at me as, but I wouldn't let them near my horse. Being able to jump and compete does not make you a good rider.
Take your time and enjoy your horse.

 

[Hack4fun]

Social pressures on yards can be acute. That is not easy, but the best thing to do is to let them enjoy their horses and you enjoy Blu. It is entirely up to you what you do - there is no obligation to do anything. There is a whole Facebook group devoted to unridden equines for example. You do what you want, and enjoy Blu in the way you want to. That's the most important thing. Who cares what your standard of riding and jumping is. Frankly, it doesn't matter. I know you want to do BE in the long term, but enjoy the present too. You will learn tons schooling Blu. Ignore the nay sayers.

 

[Melody Grey]

Bless you, that is really sad that other girls are being rude to you when the yard should be your happy place where you can enjoy your pony. That is actually nasty bullying behaviour and you should not have to put up with it. Have they always been like this? Are there others there who are friendly to you?

Sounds like there's some jealousy in there.

 

[OdinsMum]

I’m sorry the other girls are being so rude to you and I’m sorry that it’s making you feel down.
What I try to remember is you and your horse will make progress in your own time together, the bond you have with your horse is a personal thing and nothing happens over night. Keep up the hard work, It’s not easy to ignore the negativity but at the end of the day what you do with your horse is none of their business.

 

[Jules111]

I think you should be really proud of yourself. You've stepped up and taken responsibility for Blu and clearly helped your mum along the way. That is a huge achievement and something you should really pat yourself on the back for.

You have ambitions and I've no doubt you are making improvements towards those goals. I expect the mean girls are secretly insecure and jealous, frankly that's their problem. It often helps to find ways to just avoid conversations with the nasty girls, maybe wearing earphones and avoiding a conversation. You don't have the time and energy for their crap. You are too busy getting on with your own life.

I don't want to disagree with your mum but you really don't need to limit yourself to friends your own age. Is there an older person at the yard who you could hack out with, have a hot chocolate with and generally just spend time talking horses with. I regularly hack out with some of the really nice younger girls and have some really good chats. Believe me, my teenage years passed quite a few years ago but that doesn't mean we have nothing in common. My young daughters "best" friend at the farm is 52, they have lots of laughs and often discuss horses and plans for future events. We have horses in common so we don't need to limit ourselves to a specific age of friend.

I hope you have some support in real life, nobody should have to suffer bullying and i'm really sorry you are going through this. Please make sure you have somebody to talk to.

 

[Tonto_]

Ignore them!

I completely know where you are coming from. I've been there, I am there. All of the girls I used to be friends with are competing BE100 when me and my loan pony are just trying to get a canter transition but don't forget to look at where you started!

He wouldn't let me mount, he was complete unbalanced, on the forehand, lazy and sluggish. Now he can work in an outline, doesn't spook at everything he sees, his trot and walk actually go somewhere.

So don't forget to look back and take notice of all those little mile stones that you've already achieved! They count just as much as the bigger ones that you're working towards

 

[OldNag]

I suspect they are jealous.

There's some really good advice above. Easy to say I know, but you need to find a way to ignore them.

 

[southerncomfort]

Yes I know it's meant to be fun and for me it and always will be with Blu. but the comment i have been told about me do sometimes stick in my head and I'm trying to change my mindset and not care what they think x

Hi Kezza, if the comments are coming to you second hand via someone else, perhaps ask this person not to tell you what's been said in future. I'm sure they mean well, but what you don't know can't hurt you.

Also, what I've found is that one of the very best ways to deal with nasty bullies is to be as nice as pie to them. Give them a big smile and shout Hello when you see them, compliment their ponies etc. They'll find it much harder to be bitchy when you are being so friendly and pleasant and nice.

Lastly, it might help to know that most bullying behaviour stems from jealousy and insecurity and is much more about them than you.

They probably see Blu flourishing and changing in to a really good horse with you and they know they wouldn't be able to produce their own horse the way you are. 🙂

 

[Cavalier]

This may sound harsh but it is not meant thst way at all. I feel for you as bullying is disgraceful. I was having problems with someone at work and a very wise friend said to me that we are all responsible for our own feelings. What he meant was that I could choose how the people around me affected me. So I could choose not to let the bully hurt me in the same way that the bully chose to try. It takes practice but it really helped me to take that on board. Good luck and enjoy Blu for who you both are not who others think you should be.

 

[Foxychops]

Blu sounds lovely and you sound a very sensible caring young lady. Have you heard of Karl Greenwood. He is a confidence coach amongst other things. He explains really well why people act the way they do.Have you ever thought they might actually be a little jealous of you and Blu? You may not be making huge progress but you are making progress. I think if you ask around most riders will tell you that they feel as though they are not progressing, but if you look back you will realise you have actually come a long way. Keep doing what your doing, get your trainer on board and you will be flying xx

 

[R_oh]

I would certainly address the issue with your yard owner as behaviour making people feel like that is simply unacceptable, a good friend of mine also stepped up to ride her mothers horse under similar circumstances due to her being pregnant. At the time she could barely canter and the horse was only 5 and was very green. Over the last couple years they’re now regularly out competing and she now owns my old horse too. It’s definitely possible so just put your own set of blinkers on and as easy as it is to be said just try your best to ignore them! If you can get out to have some lessons at other arenas with out there eyes on you I would! X

 

[Shilasdair]

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that the other liveries are saying the things you claim they are saying.

I've been around horses, and their teenage owners for a long time, and I have yet to hear anyone saying 'Kezza, there is no point riding him because you are only going to fail' or 'I feel sorry for your horse because he deserves so much better than you'.

It's just not what real people say.

 

[Jules111]

Shilasdair I'm afraid you are very much mistaken. You really must have your head in the sand if you think bullying doesn't exist in Livery yards. I can assure you there are many "real people" with the ability to make others feel absolutely awful. There is a reason there is a mental health crisis in this country and anxiety and depression is a major issue for young people.

I'm not sure what the aim of your post is, it certainly doesn't help a young girl who is having an awful time. Just because you haven't experienced this type of bullying does not mean it doesn't happen. It may be more helpful to expand your own knowledge of bullying and mental health amongst young people before accusing a 15 yr old girl of lying on a forum.

 

[The Fuzzy Furry]

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that the other liveries are saying the things you claim they are saying.

I've been around horses, and their teenage owners for a long time, and I have yet to hear anyone saying 'Kezza, there is no point riding him because you are only going to fail' or 'I feel sorry for your horse because he deserves so much better than you'.

It's just not what real people say.

Shils, I've got to disagree with you here. Not just teens being vile either.
This is almost exactly the same as has been said by 3 x 30 somethings on a yard, to a very shy lady I know, so much so that her confidence has been knocked right away and she asked me to help her sell her horse!
Ive managed to get her back on board, and in the last month shes now back riding out, has moved horse from toxic yard to decent one and is slowly gaining confidence again.

 

[Shilasdair]

I always appreciate people who disagree politely. Maybe I'm wrong. It has been known (obviously we don't tell my partner that, right?).

Jules11 - I didn't say bullying didn't exist.
I said I didn't believe that the reported comments were realistic (and I have a lot of experience with horsey teenagers from working in the equine industry).