How to deal with a another owner who always has to make the discuss about them and their horse

[Mary3050]

Hi Guys,

Asking this question for a friend who’s as her whits ends and wants advice but doesn’t want the Yard seeing the post .

So my friend is on a livery yard and apparently one livery is always on the yard . Well from what she says they are always sat in the arena chatting to the instructor . Even when my friend has lessons this livery will be going on about her, her horse or what ever. It sounds like the instructor and livery are good friends, my friend says she feels that the instructor isn’t fully focused on her lesson and she can’t discuss what she needs to because this person is always around. Then when my friend books lessons the person will then say oh can I do mine too etc .

Apparently it isn’t just with the instructor it’s anyone who is around to listen about her , her horses and how amazing they are etc . It happens with the physio and farrier who does all the horses on the yard . My friend said it getting to the point where she can’t discuss her horse with the physio because this person is always interrupting to discuss her horse . Non of these professionals seem to want to address this likely due to the money this individual spends .

It seem everyone likes this person or at least pretends to like them . My friend wondering if she is just easily annoyed as everyone else likes her … I don’t think it’s my friend . I think people pretend to like This person because she bring the professionals coffee, lunch , nips to get them things from the feed store the list goes on and presents etc . I have been meet this person and do think she like to compete with my friend . I notice what ever my friend says or suggests she will oppose too .

For example my friend is an expert in her field and people who know what she does often ask for advice or about post they see on social media etc but this person has some remotely related qualification and likes to try prove she knows more or just make it seem like my friend is an idiot. It’s like a doctor receptionist pretending to know more about the brain than a brain surgeon .

I think this person is just jealous but is there anyway to nip this in the bud ? As my friend loves her yard and instructor but feels it’s hampering her horses progress .

Thanks in advance for any suggestions

 

[Cortez]

Here's what I do: say "how fascinating" and change the subject.

 

[Apercrumbie]

Has she tried the "sorry do you mind, we're in the middle of a lesson" approach?

 

[AmyMay]

Here's what I do: say "how fascinating" and change the subject.

Exactly.

But in the case of the instructor- get a new one.

When she has the physio and busy body appears - she tells them to speak to the physio on their time, not hers.

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I don’t understand why your friend wouldn’t just say something to this person and to the professionals involved?

I would say to the instructor and person X, at the time, “X would you mind giving us some space, I’d like some time to work with Instructor on my own.”

 

[Boughtabay]

Given your friend thinks this person is well-liked but potentially jealous, I wouldn’t want to outright tell them to b*gger off and wait their turn. Could make for an awkward dynamic on a yard they sound otherwise happy on. I would however manufacture a lesson situation where i could simply say “sorry, do you mind having this chat later? I’m really in a rush and need to finish on time today” this hopefully makes it clear that the other livery is infringing on their time, but also hopefully says to the instructor that normally were they not “in a rush” they’d expect that chat time added to the end of the lesson. From there I’d get more blunt depending on the result

 

[Boulty]

Has your friend tried directly telling her to bog off / to wait her turn / that she’s paying for XYZ professionals time and so would like to actually have their attention.

Alternatively if she’s fond of doing coffee runs “Oh I’m so glad you’re here X was just saying how desperate they were for *insert worlds most complicated coffee order here*” every time she’s interrupting to hopefully get rid of her for a bit!

 

[Abacus]

I agree with the above replies. Your friend does need to man up and speak either to the professionals or to this person, initially politely. Person X might be quite unaware that these occasions are not public and all-welcome and will possibly be mortified - so a gentle word might be enough.

 

[Quigleyandme]

I would have a quiet word with her in private. There would be no need to be rude. Your friend only needs to explain this person is unwittingly disrupting her lessons and could she please allow the physio, farrier, et al to work with her horse without interruption. If this falls on deaf ears she should advise the instructor that she is dispensing with her services in favour of somebody more professional that will concentrate on their pupil.

 

[Boulty]

Oh & if majorly cutting into lesson time then state to instructor that you’d like to have the extra chatting time added on the end (which will put her behind) or you will start deducting it from what you’re paying. (Or could just passive aggressively come & halt in the middle of the arena every time the chatting starts and not start actually doing anything until the convo ends… depends on how childish friend wants to be)

 

[marmalade76]

Talking about her own horse all the time shouldn't really be a problem, just make an excuse/ say you're busy/walk away. But taking up the time of professionals you're paying is not on at all and I would absolutely say something.

 

[Glitterandrainbows]

I know someone exactly like this !!

 

[Backtoblack]

Ditch the instructor and move yards

 

[silv]

I know someone exactly like this !!

Indeed the horse world is littered with them!

 

[Gloi]

The person might just be lonely

 

[The Fuzzy Furry]

Oh & if majorly cutting into lesson time then state to instructor that you’d like to have the extra chatting time added on the end (which will put her behind) or you will start deducting it from what you’re paying. (Or could just passive aggressively come & halt in the middle of the arena every time the chatting starts and not start actually doing anything until the convo ends… depends on how childish friend wants to be)

I have done the latter, got fed up with rather expensive but v good coach chatting on phone and then to another client, so just stopped.
It took 7 minutes for them to realise..... I handed over 50% of the lesson fee at the end and said that's what I thought my lesson worked out at after stoppages of time...... they didn't disagree! I didnt go back.

 

[ihatework]

Talking about her own horse all the time shouldn't really be a problem, just make an excuse/ say you're busy/walk away. But taking up the time of professionals you're paying is not on at all and I would absolutely say something.

This.
And brief the professionals in advance that she might try it and you’d appreciate their support. All they need to do is acknowledge her and say next time she can book an appointment/ lesson immediately afterwards

 

[Sossigpoker]

Sounds like the person may be lonely and certainly lacks self awareness.
That's why I'd try the kind approach first and say something like "I'd love to chat to you about this afterwards but right now we're in the middle of a session/lesson so do you mind if I come and find you later ?"
Or something along those lines

 

[Wishfilly]

Is your friend generally a fan of their instructor? If not, might it be time to find/try someone new? I know that's maybe a bit of a drastic step, but if you could have a new instructor come to the yard, then it's less likely the livery will interrupt, and probably easier to say "Sorry, can you wait until we're finished?".

I would also say to the physio in advance that she wants to discuss her horse with the physio today, and then remind them of that fact when this person starts up.

I know it's difficult for professionals, but I sort of think they are part of the problem here- their focus should really be on the client who is paying them at that time!

 

[SEL]

Is there any chance this livery could have ADHD? I only ask because I was on a yard with someone who did and behaved just like this.

 

[94lunagem]

I agree with others, the first step is to be firm but kind. Perhaps something like “I’ve got a lot to discuss with XYZ today, would you mind catching up with them during your own appointment”. Other livery might just not be very good at reading the room and a few friendly and polite boundaries might do the trick.

 

[blitznbobs]

Ok I must be old but I’d say something to the instructor about it being only 30 mins and can we get on with it … or more likely just ditch the instructor and as far as her talking about any subject I don’t want to I would just walk away. The expert thing, I am a dr and have had this all my life, I tend to say something along the lines of, ‘well if that is what the internet says ‘ and then walk off …

 

[Nudibranch]

I think I've said this before but...
Maybe just let your friends sort out their own issues? You might find yourself less worried or anxious if you step back from everyone else's problems.

 

[Mrs. Jingle]

Ok I must be old but I’d say something to the instructor about it being only 30 mins and can we get on with it … or more likely just ditch the instructor and as far as her talking about any subject I don’t want to I would just walk away. The expert thing, I am a dr and have had this all my life, I tend to say something along the lines of, ‘well if that is what the internet says ‘ and then walk off …

Perhaps it is an 'older' person thing. I would also be just addressing the instructor, farrier. Physio or whatever clearly and directly. And I would also just walk away. I think with this sort of person the subtle approach rarely works. Just get straight to the point, annoying person gets the message or move on.

 

[ThreeFurs]

I have a fellow livery in her early twenties who has adhd, is on the spectrum and host of other issues, and I just think she's very original and sweet. Her speech isn't pressured, and she can control it, and she's the first to volunteer to help, but sadly she's been asked to leave a couple of major local barns because the 'alpha females' [the bullies] think she's odd.

But it sounds as if person in question is liked, but is unfortunately 'a talker'. 'Talkers' talk for a number of reasons I've found, but oh boy, can they talk. Its an un-interruptable flow. I have one in my village, and when in the mornings she comes the other way along the path while I'm walking my Cairn, my heart sinks. It shouldn't, she's a salt of the earth, but I know my inner timetable for the day is at violent risk. There you go.

The problem is, we mostly like to be polite, and avoid confrontation, and not hurt people's feelings, and some think face to face skills /social tact, are suffering as we are online so much. It could be anxiety? It could be god knows what, but its costing your friend time and money, and I'm afraid these are things worth hurting other people's feelings for.

Your friend could always invest in a vast, overt looking old fashioned pair of headphones, wear them everywhere, and when she starts up, tap them and say 'sorry, can't hear you!'. In the decibel hell which is a busy civil service department years ago, this was my go -to. I recommend the classic 'Sennheiser' style pair of 'cans'.

 

[Winters100]

We had a lady like this at the yard where I keep mine. She was a bit odd, and very quick to take offence at perceived slights, but actually I found that dealing with the issue firmly but kindly did work. I used to ask her politely to leave if I was with the vet / physio / farrier, just saying that I preferred to discuss things on a 1 to 1 basis, so would she mind leaving us. I did however feel that she was lonely, and did not want her to feel excluded, so I made time to speak to her at convenient moments, and would take a coffee for her sometimes and sit for 10 minutes, or if I was busy tell her that I needed to get on but we could talk while I did my jobs. On getting to know her I discovered that she had a rather sad life, she had lost her house after a relationship breakdown and was living in a tiny rented flat. Her work was as a language tutor, so she also missed out on friendships with colleagues. I have no idea if she had any other issues, as I don't know a lot about these, but I did notice that she would sometimes say odd or inappropriate things, which I think caused many people to avoid her. My advice would be for your friend to deal with the issue as kindly as she possibly can, since we never know what others are going through, but if she can establish a friendship with this lady and make her feel valued, then it will be much easier to tell her directly something along the lines of 'listen, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I get really distracted when others speak to the instructor during my lesson, would you mind awfully leaving us alone during these times?' I hope it works.

 

[Orangehorse]

I don’t understand why your friend wouldn’t just say something to this person and to the professionals involved?

I would say to the instructor and person X, at the time, “X would you mind giving us some space, I’d like some time to work with Instructor on my own.”

Yes, that's a bit more diplomatic, even though the message is the same!

 

[LegOn]

I think when it comes to the lesson - she should have a word with her instructor to ask the other livery to leave during her private lesson, just say you are feeling an impact from the distraction & would prefer it wasn't a fully observed lesson! The instructor should be able to deal with this on a professional level & if not saying something along those lines to the livery should do the trick - but it does need to be direct and with zero question on the outcome.

I had a livery who was similar but you have to be direct because turned out in the end she was undiagnosed autistic and appreciated being told when the line was crossed. A firm but fair 'I have limited time with farrier/physio/instructor and wish to speak with them privately' is a good approach!

 

[MiJodsR2BlinkinTite]

Is there any chance this livery could have ADHD? I only ask because I was on a yard with someone who did and behaved just like this.

^^^ Yep exactly my suspicions too. This individual may very well not have a clue how they are coming across and if your "friend" adopts a confrontational approach I think it either wouldn't achieve anything as in would be blatently ignored, OR it might escalate the whole thing and end up making the situation much worse - which might then bring all the Harpies and Supporters of this particular person out in force. It happens.

The way I would tackle it would be to have a quiet word with the professionals involved beforehand (ring them) and say that look, you/friend would really appreciate it if they could have some private time during the lesson/consultation to discuss YOUR horse and/or YOUR riding progress. Explain that you have felt a bit shouldered-out by another individual at the yard on prior occasions and that you would like some privacy at the next lesson or appointment. It may well be that the professional/instructor concerned is already aware of this, embarrassed even, and may then say well actually I'm glad you've said this because..........

Having a prior word would hopefully give a chance for an action plan for both the professional and your friend for IF this person does disrupt the session. The professional should adopt a robust approach as they should be giving their 100% attention to the client who is actually PAYING for the session rather than anyone else who just happens to rock-up! Perhaps if this person is still persistent friend could say something like "I'm sure you have other things you need to do XXXX, its just that I've paid for this session and would like to get the most out of it". Or words to that effect.

IF you (friend rather) have gone to the trouble of having a quiet prior private word with the professional beforehand and they STILL allow this person to interrupt the next session, then frankly I think you would be perfectly justified in dispensing with their services. As a professional they need to be objective and give the client who is actually paying for the session, their fullest attention.

 

[Cinnamontoast]

I know someone exactly like this !!

I think we all do! I think I wrote on here the other day about a sharer (not mine and I don't think she was still sharing anything!) who would stand with me when the vet was there as though she was a co-owner! I had to ask her to give me space and time with the vet alone. It all came to a head when I came up early to find she'd got Beau out to groom him!

There have been some politer suggestions than I would have offered. Is your friend young and feels unable to tell this person to shove off? Body language is very useful, standing between farrier /physio and other person and dominating the discussion, but I would tell her that it's my appointment and she'll have to wait for hers to have the chat. With the instructor, speak to the instructor before the lesson and say that you feel she isn't focused because of fellow livery's endless chatting. Or get rid. Is it a formal instructor or usual member of staff giving lessons? Either way, if your friend is paying, presumably, she needs to speak up, she's paying for a service and is owed full concentration.