How to deal with daughter who has lost confidence?

[Gwena]

Hi, I've hit a bit of a brick wall with my daughter, 9yrs old. She's a quiet girl and tries her best to please and usually hides all type of emotion (which does make her quite hard to read sometimes).

We've had this new pony for 3 weeks now and only just managed to get a saddle that fits from the saddle fitter.

She had her first lesson on her tonight at the new livery yard with her lovely riding instructor. Pony was fine albeit a bit stubborn to get into trot and she did get a bit whizzy on one corner. Nothing that daughter would normally bat an eye lid at. But she was awful. Stiff sat forwards wouldn't let give the reins any slack and very very quiet and pale!

It didn't help that the YO's husband was bombing about in a tractor swinging a big bag of rubber chippings from its scoop (am really not happy about this, I did say to him this is daughters first proper ride & didn't know if it was a good idea but he carried on anyway). Daughter is wary of tractors after seeing me on a horse a couple of weeks ago nearly go down a ditch backwards on a horse!

The instructor was brilliant she even got on the pony to show daughter that the worse (or is it worst???) thing that she would do would be scoot forward a couple of steps and reassured her that she could handle it. After the lesson she said she was sorry if she had disappointed me. Gutted :-(

Less than a week ago she was cantering a 6yo 16:3 round the school so don't know whats happened!

How would you handle this?

 

[sophiebailey]

Take the pressure off her, let her spend time grooming/treating/plaiting the new pony, playing games in hand with treats, taking it for walks etc until she really wants to get on and start riding.

Kids confidence can come in peaks and troughs I think, so leave her to her own devices while she's in a trough and encourage her to head towards a peak I hope she feels herself again soon, she may just feel pressured to impress you on her new pony and justify its purchase and that's making her nervous?

Would it make her less nervous if you didn't watch the lessons? Xx

 

[toffeeyummy]

My daughter is 9 and her confidence has peaks and troughs! I would say its still very early days with new pony and give her time. Try and go at her pace, I find it's very easy to put pressure on them without meaning to especially if you know they can do more. I really took a step back with my daughter on her pony he can sometimes be a monkey and I was telling her what to do but in fact she was quite happy just walking him round the small paddock one day and I kept telling her to trot him on. In the end I thought does it matter she only walks today? No. Now I potter about doing jobs whilst she rides him and slowly but surely they have become a partnership at their own pace and now she happily canters around the field and pops some jumps. Give them time, relax and smile!!

 

[Gwena]

When she ask if she's disappointed her I smacked her about the head with the rolled up piece of paper I had in my hand and told her not to be daft & that there was no pressure (to which she laughed - thank God!).

I think I might get a lesson on her so she can see her in work. I asked the instructor if she thought it would be better without me there and she said that with her it makes no difference if I'm there or not - for positive & negative stuff.

I feel so helpless that I can't make her feel better & its a journey that she can only make by herself. Frustrating!

 

[Honey08]

Yes give her time. Take her out on the leadrein if need be for a few weeks. Hack about. Set up some games in the school for her to play about with. Natter on about how well behaved the pony was when the tractor was around and how much better it was than the one you rode etc... It will come. Most people feel a bit over whelmed on a new horse, whatever their age..

 

[FfionWinnie]

Reassure her you are not disappointed indeed you are very proud and don't say much more I think. My daughter is a lot younger but first time on new pony was begging me to hold her and shouting "she's moving!!" a few weeks down the line she is getting annoyed if dad wants to hold her leg and wanting to jump logs . So I'd just let her mess around for a little while and find her feet with the pony.

 

[Gwena]

Sorry Toffeemummy - posted at the same time as you! I do think that she needs more bonding time, and if its at walk then as you say if its just walk then thats what it is.

 

[Gwena]

....and at the same time as loads of others! Thanks for the replies - is making me feel a lot better about the situation x

 

[Godknows]

Is it because you have changed livery yards? Can I ask why didn't you stay at your last yard? Everything is a big change for such a young child. They get confident at one yard and used to things. This is a new pony, New yard and lots of loud noises. Or is she just afraid of the pony?

 

[Gwena]

She got lessons at a riding school where she loaned for a while. Lovely big indoor arena. That closed a few days ago. We have also been helping at a friends yard and the the opportunity came to take on this pony we chose this livery yard because I know the ins & outs of it and we all take it in turns to do the morning shift!

 

[AprilBlue]

if i were you, i would let your daughter and her pony have some bonding time, maybe if you have a round pen you can do join up (there's plenty of videos on youtube) and join up will increase the trust+bond between human and horse. and then after that, maybe your daughter will feel better on her pony because she will know that she is able to trust him.

hope it helped

 

[MrsJ]

my little girl (6) is described as totally gung ho! really ballsey and super super confident! She will hop on my 15,2 boy and canter him around the school, do bounce jumps with hands on her head and no reins on a 14,2 pony yet the minute we put a pony on loan for her in the summer holidays, who incidentally is a 12h super sweet little thing who will put up will put up with endless amount of faffing and grooming we had tears and trauma ever time she rode!!

5 weeks into the holidays after weeks of grooming, washing, bonding and a couple of bare back turn outs she (finally) asked if I would take her out on hack.

During the hack I was then met with a very excited little girl who wanted to canter and gallop through the meadows, head down, bum up cheering yeeee haaaa as this little thing whizzes past me on my 15h boy and friend on his 16h boy!

Let her find her feet with the new pony, leave her to groom and play, when she's ready she'll be back to her normal confident self! xx

 

[Gwena]

We have a round pen - the pony follows her like a puppy in the field!

I did have a thought that the other day we were muck picking and pony got the wind up her tail and was prancing about with her tail up and head tucked in having a whale of a time bucking and farting - she's a black Fell with full mane and looks really powerful. I wonder if my daughter realised the strength of her having seen that display and its got her thinking a bit

 

[toffeeyummy]

Also, my daughter lives leading him around the field and sets up little courses for him! She bathed him by herself today (I was there though!) and even though it was a mess etc she had loads of fun and it all goes towards the confidence

 

[showpony]

Very early days but very important not to let your daughter be overwhelmed. 6 wks " bonding" is gen what it takes, suggest she does lots of in hand work , even lots of small in hand hacks on the road etc, and just spend some quality time getting to know the pony. Also I think a couple of lunge lessons would be worth a go, would help her nerves. Oh and don't take this the wrong way but don't watch her lessons as she won't think you will be disappointed in something you haven't seen!

 

[toffeeyummy]

Ah yes, my daughter also saw her pony prance around the field and buck etc, she looked a bit shocked and I could tell she was thinking "bloody hell he'd better not do that next time", I quickly laughed and said isn't he having fun playing but it's a good job he knows not to do that when you're riding him because he loves you so much. That seemed to work!!!

 

[MrsJ]

Oh and don't take this the wrong way but don't watch her lessons as she won't think you will be disappointed in something you haven't seen!

thats great advice. I rarely watch my daughters lessons and when I'm greeted with "mummy I fell off" she just gets a "oh well!!"

 

[Gwena]

Ok so plan of action:
- going to the yard but not suggesting riding - but maybe asking daughter to walk pony round school and put a few poles down for her to walk over.

- getting a few more half hour lessons booked with her favourite teacher but conveniently do the poo picking when she having a lesson.

- get her to watch a few clips on YouTube of join up and games to play with pony.

Do you think I should ask her to ride or just leave it to her lessons for the time being? I don't work on a Monday and Friday so I could sneak in a few lessons while she's at school so I get to know her better too. (I'm not pony squishing btw - I'm 9st3 & she's a Fell so will be able to handle it!).

 

[toffeeyummy]

Another thing I thought of too, riding in a group with other children? I know my daughter does a lot more at pony club when she's cheered on by her friends? X

 

[MrsJ]

I would probably leave it to the lessons for the time being. You'll know when she's ready ......it'll be 6am on a Saturday morning, she'll be up dressed in her jods bugging you to take her xxxx

 

[showpony]

Let her make the decisions on what she wants to do on the pony on days where no lessons, keep it casual when you go up, " sure we will start with a bit of grooming " and see what we will do from there, this way she won't feel any pressure at all.

 

[FfionWinnie]

I would definitely ride the pony myselhf on a daily basis until she wants to, keep her ticking over and find out what the pony is really like too.

 

[Gwena]

Ok - Thanks again for all your suggestions, I feel a bit better now too! I'll let you know how it goes.

 

[Littlelegs]

Just leave her to it, at 9 I'd leave it to her as to when/how she rides. I usually ask my 7yr old for her own plans regarding pony, although rides by choice almost daily, think its good for them to learn to plan, eg lunge, flatwork, jumping, hacking etc, as well as stuff like whether pony needs a bath, clip etc. Obviously you explain why not if plans unreasonable. And try not to be anything but confident yourself. If you are fretting about stuff like yo in a tractor, chances are that your fear will transfer to her.

 

[Gwena]

Good idea re getting her plans for the pony.... You guys are great!

 

[showpony]

she sounds exactly like my LO Who @ 5 will canter around a course of jumps ( with directions being shouted at her ) I actually don't watch her lessons any more as at such a young age she has NO fear but I turn grey looking at her

my little girl (6) is described as totally gung ho! really ballsey and super super confident! She will hop on my 15,2 boy and canter him around the school, do bounce jumps with hands on her head and no reins on a 14,2 pony yet the minute we put a pony on loan for her in the summer holidays, who incidentally is a 12h super sweet little thing who will put up will put up with endless amount of faffing and grooming we had tears and trauma ever time she rode!!

5 weeks into the holidays after weeks of grooming, washing, bonding and a couple of bare back turn outs she (finally) asked if I would take her out on hack.

During the hack I was then met with a very excited little girl who wanted to canter and gallop through the meadows, head down, bum up cheering yeeee haaaa as this little thing whizzes past me on my 15h boy and friend on his 16h boy!

Let her find her feet with the new pony, leave her to groom and play, when she's ready she'll be back to her normal confident self! xx