How to get over seeing a traumatic fall

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Rider12

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Last weekend I was XC schooling with one of my close friends.
As her horse approached one of the fences, he lost his footing and slipped, falling on her. It was a simple unavoidable accident, and her horse was okay, but she wasn't. She suffered a broken pelvis and a severed spinal cord. She probably won't walk again. She is 22. Even though it was an accident and no ones fault, I feel like it is mine for suggesting that we do some schooling together. She's been my best friend since primary school, and she's been there for me through my life, and I repay her like this. Has anyone dealt with something like this? How to you forgive yourself?
 
Big hugs. You had to witness a horrible accident never mind that the badly injured person involved is close to you. It is only natural that you are going over events and trying to work out how you could have made the outcome different but sometimes we just have to accept it is just life when these awful accidents happen. I am not saying it is easy to do or happens quickly but please do try to stop blaming yourself for suggestion the outing and feeling guilty. You cannot help her by going over what ifs as that is not helpful in the long run to either your mental health or your friends healing. You cannot turn back time. All you can do is be there to help your friend and her family in anyway she/they need it and focus your energy on ensuring that you are there for her through this difficult time.
 
Please get some expert help. PTSD is very common after such things and can take years to get through if you try it alone. Having just come to terms with my ptsd 18 months on, I wish I had spoke to someone at the time.
 
That's awful for you and your poor friend .
Years ago friend s and I were at a X club schooling clinic and one of the riders had a tiny tiny baby the baby was at the clinic with granny .
The pony ( lovely Connemara ) misjudged a corner ( the type they built before they blocked in the tops ) and jumped into the jump as if it was a bounce it was hideous it happened in slow motion but the pony managed to climb out somehow without disaster .
It affected me for months I saw it happen over and over again in vivid colour the approach the realisation the pony had read it wrong the collective intake of breath from those watching , granny's face with the baby in her arms it was awful.
I was also present when Polly Phillips was killed she galloped past me seconds before the fence which I was just could not see ,three seconds later she was gone it affected me for a long time .
I have no helpful advice except I think your reaction is normal .
 
How awful for your poor friend. But it was NOT your fault; it wasn't anyone's fault. Accidents happen, you have to understand this. Every time we get on a horse we must realise that it is a dangerous activity, accept the risks, and decide if they are reasonable. Wishing your friend a hopeful recovery.
 
Sending best thoughts and wishes. Big hugs - make sure you talk about it and being there for your friend will heal you both xx
 
Good grief, what an awful thing to happen and witness.

You may well be in shock, so please take care of yourself and talk about it with someone if you need to. It wasn't your fault, it was just an awful accident. Lots of love xxx
 
Firstly, this is not your fault, it was obviously a terrible, shocking accident. Please don't pull away from your friend as she needs you right now.

I'd thoroughly recommend speaking to Jo Cooper - I had a horrific accident where my horse died and Jo helped me to get over it. They used NLP with the children who saw their families slaughtered in the Kosovo/Sarajevo war. I was totally sceptical but can't deny the effects and, ten years later, they still work and I used her again recently for something completely different and she's helped again.
 
alainax said:
Please get some expert help. PTSD is very common after such things and can take years to get through if you try it alone. Having just come to terms with my ptsd 18 months on, I wish I had spoke to someone at the time.
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Agree with this, it's absolutely not your fault and if you find you continue to feel this way then please seek help.

I was witness to a double-fatality motorcycle accident and gave help at the scene and subsequently had to give evidence at the coroners court. It affected me for a very, very long time afterwards and I guess now it was PTSD but i never put a name to it.
 
This was not your fault, your friend's fault or the horse's fault. It was a tragic accident. Riding and handling horses is dangerous, and we all take the risk every day, because, right or wrong, we have decided it's worth it. I am so sorry to hear what's happened to your friend. Be kind to yourself and to her. She will need your support, and it's important that you have people to support you too. Big hugs to you both x
 
I have an inkling as to how you feel, but you mustn't blame yourself at all. Tragic accidents like this, are exactly that, accidents.

What would you say if this had happened to someone else ? You, would no doubt be saying what everyone on here is saying.

Take care, and sending big hugs to you and your friend
 
Thanks to everyone for their kind comments. It's going to be a long hard year. The news is, she's paralysed. I haven't slept all night. I'm seeing a counsellor in the next few days.
 
I went through a traumatic experience five years and 11 months ago. It's an entirely different to what you're going through right now but my dad said something to me that really helped me.

He told me it was actually ok to feel guilty. Of course it wasn't my fault, and intellectually I knew it. I just couldn't feel that way. He said something to the effect of, "Christie, you're being totally irrational but actually right now you're allowed to be. If guilt is what you feel, then that's ok but don't panic about it. This has happened- and as much as this tragedy has happened to him, something terrible has happened to you too. No one expects you to be thinking clearly right now and maybe you should give yourself the same grace."

Rider12, you are not to blame for what happened, you couldn't possibly be. But if that's how you're feeling right now, then that's ok. Give yourself a break, let yourself feel all the awful, confusing things that grief and shock bring, and understand that you're not thinking clearly right now.

I think sometimes guilt is what we feel because feeling like we have some control over things is less terrifying than realizing that we are actually powerless. The truth is you had no control over this and when you're ready to see that, you will. Until then, it's perfectly ok to be irrational.

I can't tell you how sorry I am for you. And how much I am wishing you well.
 
Rider12 said:
Thanks to everyone for their kind comments. It's going to be a long hard year. The news is, she's paralysed. I haven't slept all night. I'm seeing a counsellor in the next few days.
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Glad to hear you are getting to speak to someone, and yes it will be tough but your taking the right steps.

A fellow livery died in a freak accident at a yard I was at 2 years ago. I wasn't there, and not directly affected by any means, but still felt the shock waves. (Not where my ptsd came from) You will manage to get through this, your counsellor should really help with the how part.
 
Rider12 said:
Thanks to everyone for their kind comments. It's going to be a long hard year. The news is, she's paralysed. I haven't slept all night. I'm seeing a counsellor in the next few days.
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I'm glad you're getting help.

This is a thing that has happened and can't be changed, all that can be changed is what you do next. Please don't let this accident, which was not your fault, damage your friendship. It's not uncommon for witnesses to a friend's accident to withdraw from them, unintentionally or not - not knowing what to say, or feeling somehow responsible, is TOTALLY NORMAL.

I wish both of you the best.
 
smja said:
I'm glad you're getting help.

This is a thing that has happened and can't be changed, all that can be changed is what you do next. Please don't let this accident, which was not your fault, damage your friendship. It's not uncommon for witnesses to a friend's accident to withdraw from them, unintentionally or not - not knowing what to say, or feeling somehow responsible, is TOTALLY NORMAL.

I wish both of you the best.
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^^ this. And echo the comments about not withdrawing from your friend. It may well be difficult for you at first and that's totally understandable. I know someone who suffered a spinal injury while training a friend's horse... some of us rallied around and others didn't - I can understand that they felt awkward but I know that my friend valued our support and company hugely at what was a frightening and lonely time.

Take care of yourself first - and then don't be a stranger to your friend, its obvious that she means a lot to you, and you will both find a way through this.
 
There's some great advice on posts above and I can't add to that - but hugs, and lots and lots of positive vibes heading your way and that of your friend xxx
 
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