Husband Advice - please help!

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BlueberryPocket

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My husband/boyfriend at the time has never liked the horse (as her calls her!) He doesn't have anything against her personally he just doesn't like me having a horse. He has always made that clear and takes NOTHING to do with her. I think he's been on the yard 5 times since i got her and i've had her nearly 3 years. Not that i have a problem with that, would rather his tripping face wasn't there rushing me, anyway thats ME time!

We are nearly a year married and the other night he pretty much said he might just walk out amongst other things. Anyway we manged to get over that but things have still been a bit strained.

Anyway the conversation came up about having children and he said he wouldn't be happy being pregnant or even having a/the baby on the yard as it's not SAFE! I just dont know what the answer is as i am not prepared to give up Vienna, never, ever, she is for life and i've told him that. She is also in foal!!!

Sorry just wonderd if anyone else was experiencing had experienced the same thing with their partners/husband and what they done about it? He WILL NOT get involved. I've compramised as much as i possibly can and actually feel guilty that i'm not spending enough time with Vienna!!!!

Have i just married the wrong man? as we obviously have different views about things and the futre. We have spoken about these kind of things but then circumstances change.

Sorry didn't mean to be so long!

Any suggestions are most welcome.
Thanks
V frustrared in Scotland
 
He needs to get over himself, it is important that you both have your own time and hobbies. Definitely stick with the horse whatever, tell him to get a hobby of his own instead of moaning about yours! So long as you are sensible children and horses mix fine, it gives them a great childhood.
 
he wouldnt be happy being pregnant but by god he would make millions being the first male pregnant. what is he sacrificing? maybe a bit of sex. what so you sacfrifice? your job your horse(DONT DO IT) your figure your lifestyle and then they leave home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 18 years later. if he were pregnant he would water it once a week if you were lucky. make sure he has the income to support said child in ALL circumstances. good luck
 
Hi BlueberryPocket,

I just don't know, seems men come in 3 types - either they put up with horses, or they don't, and more rarely, they actually like them.

I've had 2 of the 1st 2 varieties, + my best way of dealing with both is to encourage him to follow his own chosen hobby, while i follow mine, while envying the lucky few who have one of the 3rd variety (as i would like to share more with my partner)

My first one showed similar signs of jealousy, so while i'm reluctant to give advice to anyone, as i'm not perfect, maybe my polite suggestion is for him to get a healthy outdoor pastime of his own? My 2nd one has always done his own thing, to extent that i'm always left alone!

Maybe if you get a dog, he may start to realise the responsibilities of owning an animal? (Apologies if i'm trying to teach a granny to suck eggs!)

Tricky relationship problem, friend, and not easily solved from comments on a forum. Only you and he can do that, and only you and he know if it will work. Hoping all works out well, with all best wishes, BS x
 
Unfortunately I've had experience with this too.
My, now ex husband met me when I had horses (thats how we met) came to the yard with me every day for years, had his own horse and everything.
Then, he just suddenly started slowly losing interest and getting more and more resentful. He hates horses now, and sees them as the reason for the breakdown of our marrige.
Unfortunately, he fails to realise the reason for our split was that he was a controlling, manipulative unpleasant man!!
Good luck though because having such a fundamental difference is very hard to overcome.
H x
 
I'm sorry to hear you are in such a position. My partner 'puts up with them' and I juggle being with my horse and being with him but I don't mind doing that because I want to spend time with him as well as my horse. He doesn't resent my horse at all though and knows I need to be with her and that it makes me happy.

You haven't mentioned anywhere that you love him? If you do and that you want to spend the rest of your life with him then I'm sure a compromise can be met. If he loves you then he should be willing to make a compromise because surely he wants you to be happy?

I can't give advice like this on a forum. Only you know. I can only say that I was once in a relationship for 14 years and for most of that time, I was never my true self. It was only when I ended the relationship that I became the person I used to be once more. I didn't realise how much he had stifled me until it ended.

Whatever decision you make I wish you the best of luck.
 
Well... sadly I too totally understand this... my first husband, when I first got Ped's was fine, but it worse off very quickly (about the same time P wrapped his nashers round OH's throat and pinned him against the wall - clearly a better judge of character than me!) it carried on a year or so getting worse, then he decided as I would be riding eventually he better try too - so Keltie arrived... he got on one, crapped himself, called her evil and I dont think ever went to the yard again! It was around then (I had my daughter too by this stage) that I was given 20min incl. travelling time to get to the yard, bring them both in, muck out, feed, do rugs etc while he was at home with my little girl (bear in mind we lived with my parents)... not easy especially when I was getting calls every few min to see if I was finished yet - and if I didnt answer (leading 2 horses) then obviously I must be upto something with the guy who had his stables next to mine!! Anyway, things broke down further, and I left... he tried to sell them for meat as part of the divorce, but I'd sussed him and sold them to my dad for £1 each, and got my vet to sign them both off as worthless :-) then met my lovely other half - who, admittedly will still pull faces, but eg - I went for a ride yesterday, while he had both children at the yard, did my stable, moved a load of bedding and didnt complain about having a dust allergy. I love that man soo much!

Anyway, biccies and carrot cake if you've gotten this far... but the moral of the tale is if someone doesnt love you enough to let you BE you and at least be proud of you and your dreams... then they don't love you in the way you deserve. Only you know how you feel, Im not going to pretend to know all and say LEAVE or whatever, but I DO know you would never forgive yourself if you sold your horse for him, and that resentment would kill the marriage anyway. I think it's down to more than him resenting the horse, more like resenting you doing your own thing. Dont ever change for someone, if they love you enough, they'll help you grow :-)

Gospel over, coffee AND carrot cake AND chocolate fudge :-)
 
What hobbies does he have to keep him interested? Is this the only part of your life that he tries to control?

It's a worry isn't it that one minute he's threatening to leave you, and then another he's dictating to you under what conditions you can start a family?

I most certainly wouldn't be dictated to like this, emotionally blackmailed nor made to feel guiltly over a very healthy hobby.

I very much hope that you are able to come through this crisis, and feel able to continue with something that gives you so much pleasure.

I would suspect that it's not the horse that;s the issue - rather the inabillity of your OH to have you at his beck and call.......
 
[ QUOTE ]
. Dont ever change for someone, if they love you enough, they'll help you grow :-)


[/ QUOTE ]

i agree with this, a marriage should be a partnership where you supprt each other, love each other and enable each other's growth.

this doesn't mean 'leave him'... but perhaps you need to sit down and tell him how you're feeling and ask for his support. is there any way he can get involved in the horse? my OH likes feeling useful so i ask him to do things i can't do (fix fencing etc) so he enjoys coming down the yard with me to potter...

also, regarding children and horses... they are an excellent mix (see my sig below). horses teach children a great deal, and it is FAR healthier for them to be out in the fresh air, playing in the muckheap than it is for them to be sat at home.

only you know what's going on in your marriage, and how you feel. but please remember that you only get one shot at life, and it's short. make sure you're happy.

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xx
 
Reading your post I wonder whether this is really about horses or whether there are other problems in the relationship that are showing up as horse-related discussions.

Is it the horse that he minds, or is he a bit resentful of the time you spend away from him and the attention the horse gets?

I would imagine that he could have some legitimate concerns about a baby in a yard but, also, that they could be easily solved (e.g. agreeing to keep the baby in the car, or a toddler under strict supervision and away from loose horses, etc.), so again this doesn't sound like a concern about horses and children as such but may be a worry about something else.

Then again, what do I know????!!!! I hope you get to talk it through with him and sort it all out!
 
Does he have a hobby, time away from you at his choice? I can understand to an extent his concerns re pregnancies n riding/caring for a horse - it would be his baby too and he would have a right to a reasonable input; I don't belive that could be denied. Reminds me of a boyfriend many years ago who said my Rotweiller cross German Shepherd dog would have to go if I became pregnant - no consultation or discussion of fears and cincerns. Boyfriend became an ex soon after.

Out of interest, does your husband realize how much time and emotion a baby takes up? It makes looking after a horse seem like childs play!

My husband was so anti horses (long story), that I gave them up to be with him. I didn't have my own but rode others regularly). He knew they had been 'my thing'. After a few years and a couple of daughters, the eldest started lessons at about five years old. Husband accepted that it was her love as well: at ten she got her own pony, which husband had to look after when I work away. Within two years we had two ponies, a horse and a lorry.

Hubby still isn't very keen on horses, and as I often work away he has to look after them with daughters help, but he knows it is what makes me tick. He can't wait for me to compete the Dizzy one, just because he knows it's what I want to do. He'll go to shows (in return for a bacon butty), get up early, deal with the food, wait for the farrier/back man/saddler, etc etc etc. He knows that if he had an interest that needed my support he'd get it; as it is I'll watch football matches with him (blah!).

We're about to put our house on the Market so we can buy one with land, that way there'll be a better balancing of time - he won't mind how long we spend with the horses if he can wander out with a mug of coffee to see us.

It's a balancing act, which is totally do-able so long as both parties love each other enough to do the things they're not keen for the happiness of the other; or if they can't/won't join in, then willingly allow the other the freedom and space to do what they want to.

Oops
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gospel according to MrsM over
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Hugs n hot choccies!
 
My OH is tolerant of my horses and the time spent with them, he supports me when I need it and is willing to give a hand when needed, but he does not really have any great interest in them although due to my work he occasionally has to feed and muck out which he is willing to do. Time spent on individual hobbies is good for our marriage because it gives us space.

The only thing he complains about is that if I use his car it smells of horse!
 
You both sound very young and he sounds clingy and needy, which doesn't bode well for happiness.

The only thing I can say is that you need to keep your own loves in this life and if he loves you he will allow you that freedom for a couple of hours a day. He needs to get his own interests and hobbies and you both go off and do your own thing and then meet up back at home with loads to talk about.

If he is genuinely not interested in them because he just doesn't like them..that's fine but he shouldn't even consider stopping you that shows a boys attitude, not a mans, and you will end up resenting him, your horse is in your heart and he had to learn to share it, will he be jealous of the time you spend on the children? think about it.
 
TBH he sounds like a typical controlling possessive jealous man. I don't think its the horses thats the issue either, its about him having complete control over you and your life and what you do. eg if it was another hobby like running or swimming or something he would probably say the same things. Having a hobby, particularly a sport is perfectly healthy and normal.

I think its him who needs to be encouraged to change and to have a more healthy attitude to your relationship and other peopel's needs outside his own. If he can't, I think its you who should be thinking of leaving him. I wouldn't consider having children with a man who was threatning to leave me anyway. In fact, he sounds an utter misery!

I often wonder why people don't place more importance in partners of shared interests. As a keen runner as well as rider, I often see huge arguements caused in relationships where one partner trains seriously and the other is a complete couch potato!
 
Its reassuring to know my husband isn't the only man with a grudge against horses!!
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... My OH doesn't mind the animals per se, and his problem with them certainly isn't a "needing to control me" issue as he fully encourages our own hobbies etc; I think he just begrudges HOW MUCH time and money gets spent on them, which means we don't have much cash left for anything else
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(I don't think I helped matters when I pointed out that even if we could AFFORD a holiday abroad I wouldn't leave the dogs and the horses to someone else, just so I could go and sit on a beach with him
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I guess what I am trying to say is 'chin up' Blueberrypocket, and try to see that if he was spending ALL him time and money on fast cars or fancy boats (or whatever else) that you would be cross too- so to that end perhaps try and negotiate some 'him time' too??... and I concede that perhaps I should follow my own good advice
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yep, keep the horse,
hmm, ive never really had these problems, my boyfriend who ive been with for about a year now used to have his own ponies/horses when he was younger, but went off them and went onto bikes & cars etc. lol.

but still, i ride, and he doesnt mind that, ive mentioned to him before, ill stop going to this RDA group i went to every saturday & i only see him weekends to see what he would say, and he went mad! he said no matter what you are not quiting something because of me!
and he doenst like horses anymore, but he still comes and actually helps me and gets involved! he leads people round, grooms, feeds, he was willing to help me tackup/untack even though he couldnt remember how hes even rode once for me!

i think really, if he wants the best for you, for you to be happy, he should let you have time with the horse(s)

(btw, im only 16! and my bf's 19!)
so were both still young, and you know how teenage lads can be too but he is truely 1 in a billion!
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hes loads different to any other as youve probably realised)
 
Keep your horse! If i was ever made to choose it would be the horse. My completely non-horsey other horse is now converted and loves them as much as me and tries to help perhaps too much, he mucks out when i'm off doing something else which is getting better! lol. He just needed to spend time with them to see what amazing creatures they are. Maybe you could try the same?
 
Allways annoys me this scenario, you had a horse when you met him, the bloke is allways happy regarding the horse while trying to get in your pants, then afterwards the horse is suddenly a problem, it has to be your decision, but if the horse goes what next thing will it be taking up your time, popping round to your mums/dads/brother/sister etc you had the horse when you met him so he must have known what was involved etc, or did you marry him the day you met him.............
 
God this is a common problem/complaint. Thanks so much for all your comments/suggestions.

Yes, i had Vienna before we got married so he knew exactly what he was getting involved in, as did i, i accepted certain things and thought (before we got married) that he had accepted! Vienna but obvisouly i was wrong!! He just doesn't want to!

He has plenty of hobbies of his own, is out 3 nights a week at MMA and if he can goes surfing/sowboarding/skateboarding for the day/weekend, so am i suppose to be a good little wife and wait around at home for him - I DONT THINK SO! He says he'll give all these up (HA HA HA) when we have children but i wont be able to give up the horse!

i just dont know what the solution is apart from to leave him, i'm not even married a year, my dad will kill me! but i do love him. My head is all over the place at the moment.

AGGGGHHHHH!!! and work tomorrow - great!

Thanks again for your support/help/comment/suggestions
 
I think the point is that you are not asking him to give up his interests. He is asking you to give up yours. How selfish can he be? I agree with what has been said about - don't change who you are for someone. And don't be worrying about the fact you are only married a year. If spliting up is the right thing to do put the whole thing down to experience.
 
I'm going to post again (
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) just to reassure you (as someone who is now 2wks away from their 2nd anniversary!) that the first year or so of marriage apparently proves to be a bit of a "power struggle" for alot of couples...

My OH and I went through a similar thing (we seriously discussed divorce after a series of ridiculously large rows about the best way to train the new pup!!
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) and after speaking to friends and relatives about the arguing they confirmed how common it is to have a rocky stage after all the 'newlywed glow' has worn off! I guess this is probably because people enter marriage with various expectations and it takes couples a while to assimilate their ideas?... is it possible that forcing your hand about the horse *may* be your OHs way of testing your priorities??

I guess you need to decide whether this is a silly row (albeit about your horse which is very important to you) that can be worked through (which doesn't necessarily mean meeting his wishes, just perhaps trying to find a compromise- eg finding a sharing whilst pregnant??) or whether this is a serious unworkable difference that is worth throwing away your marriage for...
 
Can you ask him to explain why he will give up his outside activities when you have a child but you have to give them up now?! As a mother of two (and happily married to their father) I don't think its a good idea to become totally immersed in your children or partner anyway - you become very boring!
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My husband isn't an animal person at all and now puts with a smelly little Westie with the worst case of the Westie itch any vet we have taken him to has ever seen, a hamster, an Irish cob and a Shetland. I got my horse a couple of years after we married and we discussed it first. He was OK with it but only on condition that I put the animal on a part livery and I coud afford to pay for it myself. His reasoning was that he still wanted to enjoy time together and be able to go away for weekends and so forth and not have our lives totally dominated by a horse. While part livery is expensive, I did appreciate his point of view. If time spent with the horse was impacting negativly on him, then that isn't fair either.

Having said all that, when I had to give up work due to a difficult pregnancy he paid all her bills with very little complaint, becuase he loved me and couldn't bear to put me through the pain of parting with her. He has grown to love her over the last eight years and has come to recognise her as a living, loving creature that depends on him for a happy life. He has now accepted the care of a little shetland because she makes our four year old happy and is now considering the part loan of another pony to make our seven year old happy. And that's because he's a good man, full of love and able to see love in the simplest of creatures. OK this has become a homage to my wonderful husband, but the point is, love is about making the person you love happy. What your husband is doing is trying to control you. Give up Vienna for him and what's next? Nights out with the girls? Make up and mini skirts? I'm not saying he's not a good man and your marriage cannot work but you need ot make it very clear to him that you are not a child to be dictated to. If he wants certain compromises, such as no riding when pregnant and no baby on the yard, fine. Its not unreasonable and he is entitled to his concerns. But I would nip this in the bud now.
 
God i want to reply to you all individually and thank you so much for you support, words of wisdom and encouragement.

Alot of the points mentioned are valid and i fear it has more to do with him wanting my undivided attention which his own mother said. I think he is insecure and needy but not in an attention way if that makesany sense. But i just wish he would get more involved, well a wee bit anyway, not all the time but when i needed the help/support or not at all but let me do my own thing as i do with him.

He has not asked me to sell Vienna or suggest it just seems to think i'm stupid for thinking that having a husband, horse and children is unheard of unimaginable!

Every solution is try to come up with he shoots down, or says thats not what he wants - but what the hell does he want? I said he had to think about that and get back to me.........

I want my marriage to work and of course i love him deeply but all this resentment towards Vienna is making me not like him very much and worrying about our futures together.

Thanks again, i will keep you posted on how i get on, dont know how often people check topics. But thanks again, it's much apprecaiated x

He's jealous of Vienna
 
Oh dear, I am sorry for you. It seems to be a running theme doesn't it here? Show me a horsey woman and somewhere behind her there is a jealous OH/ex.

I too had an ex who got a job abroad after we had been together 2 years. As a result of being bored I got back into riding. He loved it when he was away as it kept me out of trouble, whenever he was back for a weekend (about every 3 or 4 months) he would constantly moan and complain about 'the bloody horse'. Eventually I broke up with him as I thought that if I had to spend the rest of my life with him I would rather die!

I have now met an amazing man and the fact he has a dog makes it so much easier. He loves being at the yard chatting with everyone and has helped me out loads. He loves to groom the Boy and come out with me when I hack. The difference is amazing.

you need to sitdownwith your husband and ask what it is he expects from you and viceversa. You need a balance between time together and time apart. If it is non-negotiable from his side, I would think about your options. I am not married myself, but like any relationship it takes hard work and compromise on both parties. My OH knows I will never give up my horse as much as he means so much to me and makes me who I am.

Good luck and I really hope it works out for you, I really do.
 
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