Husband and horses

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TrotterR

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Hello…I’m relatively new to both the equestrian world and this forum so I apologise if this has been discussed, but I just wanted to a) vent…and b) see if anyone has any advice!
I also apologise for the format, I am on a mobile 🙃
So, my daughter started riding 5 years ago and then we had a lovely little pony on full loan for a couple of years, and as she progressed we realised she needed more and so early this year, in the depths of winter (crazy, I know) DH and I bought her a lovely little 13.2 cob. He is an absolute dream, and a pleasure to own. I love him so much!
He is on DIY at a yard 15 minutes away. He’s stabled over night and out during the day. I pay for muck out and turn out AM and then I fetch him in on an evening and sort haynets etc. and this works perfectly for me. My daughter rides most evenings after school and every weekend and it’s her only hobby because she loves it so much. This is where the issue arises. My husband is NOT horsey in the slightest, and I expect nothing from him. I work full time, drop my daughter at school every morning, go to work all day and pick her up from after school club and take her to the yard to ride and help with jobs and she loves it. Mondays and Fridays my DH picks her up from after school clubs and I go the yard straight from work and do my jobs. I’m normally home for 5:30/6ish. I take DD with me to the yard on weekends where she rides, plays with her friends and also helps with jobs. I financially cover all costs of the horse, pay the majority of bills at home, including all of our mortgage and don’t ask for any help off my husband for the actual physical side of taking care of the horse. And yet, my husband moans and moans about ‘being left on his own’ on weekends and moans about us being out after work/school. We don’t have any other children for him to look after while me and DD are out at the yard.
I’ve asked if he’d like to come with us to the yard and he never does, but I love love love spending time with our pony and my daughter and love every second I get to spend at the yard.
I work a shift pattern so have one day off in the week to do housework (which admittedly consists of disinfecting the bathroom and running the Hoover around ha!)
My husband has no hobbies and I think this may be the issue, and I understand this isn’t something I had when we met so has kind of changed the dynamic of our home life since my daughter started loaning and now owning our own. Has anyone been in the same boat? I guess I was just looking for a bit of a vent because I finally found like I’ve found my place in the world at the age of 30 and feel like it gets clouded by my husband being negative and giving me anxiety that I spend too much time out enjoying myself…or am I completely in the wrong here?
Thanks in advance for your replies!
 
Thank you so much for your replies! I’ve been running it over and over in my head that I’m being unreasonable and I am out of the house a lot with work and then the horse etc. and I ended up coming here to vent because I took DD out for a big hack in the sunshine today, then we messed around grooming him and sorting his field out because he’s going out 24/7 for the summer and we had such a lovely day. We were out for 4 1/2 hours. When we got home he moaned that I’d been out all day and he had to do three tip runs by himself without my help. I just find it so draining when I’ve had such a lovely day to come back to negativity! He’s really a great husband, we both work full time and he does help around the house…but he can’t expect me to not have hobbies and spend all my free time watching TV with him can he?! I’d understand more if I was leaving our daughter with him and swanning off all day 🤣
 
I'm afraid I agree with the others! He needs a kick up the backside and some encouragement to get his own hobbies. He ought to be grateful that your daughter is so happily engrossed in an outdoor hobby that keeps her fit and off her phone. And it's a shame that he wont get involved - I mean, how many mums spend all of Saturday taking their sons to football when they have zero interest in the sport themselves? I don't think one morning a week getting stuck in with something his daughter loves should be THAT much of a chore.

ETA - could you deliberately set aside one long morning or afternoon per weekend to do something non-horsey together? I do see his POV a bit better if you're out every evening and both weekend days, but on the other hand, 6pm home every evening is not unreasonably late.
 
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OK, not saying I agree with his behaviour, but if you used to do a lot together as a family and now that has changed i could be more sympathetic to the way he is feeling, he may be feeling insecure, as if he isn't 'needed' any more, even jealous of your relationship with your daughter. Is your husband a practical man? if so could you say you have a problem at the livery and wondered if he could fix it, eg check the fencing, stable etc, get him involved in the non horsey part of horse ownership. Would he go out as a foot soldier or on a bike when you go for a hack. IMO a man needs to feel wanted and needed!

Going forward, have you tried to have a conversation about his behaviour and fears, compromise and may protect 'family time' for all of you together.
 
nagblagger said:
if he could fix it, eg check the fencing, stable etc, get him involved in the non horsey part of horse ownership. Would he go out as a foot soldier or on a bike when you go for a hack. IMO a man needs to feel wanted and needed!
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Yes this is a good idea, my husband is brilliant at this. He started out doing the practical stuff, then he got to know the horses, and now he can feed them and put rugs on.
 
TrotterR said:
When we got home he moaned that I’d been out all day and he had to do three tip runs by himself without my help.
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What is needed is less stuff that goes to the tip or a bigger car :cool:

Could he be feeling a bit pushed out by the rather lovely bond you and your daughter have around the pony?
 
Well it's tricky. I think all horsey people have been here at some point or another. Ultimately he's probably feeling lonely and left out. You need to talk to each other rather than just telling him to man up, otherwise you are on a highway to resentment and tbh marriage breakdown. Is there a compromise to be had? 4.5 hours is not the whole day, if you get up early enough you could be done by lunchtime.

Although it would drive me nuts if he had a clingy oh who only wanted to watch telly. But tbh if horses is not his thing you need to respect that too.
 
Whilst I agree that he shouldn't be moaning about you being out with your daughter because having a hobby is a good thing and he should be happy that both of you are happy; I also think if you're out most days, you do need to make some family time too and finding a balance. He has the option to go with you but this shouldn't be the only option if he wants you all to spend time together.

Obviously if his idea of spending time together is sitting indoors watching TV, then I totally get how hard it is to be in when you could be out with your horse enjoying the weather as it feels like a waste so he also needs to get some ideas on doing something together if he wants family time.

I think it would be nice for him to compromise as well and come with you to see your daughter ride sometimes and you can always go for a walk or some lunch after to make a day of it.

There's no reason why you all can't spend time together before or after you've been either. There's plenty of time in a day!
 
Relationships are about compromise.

Obviously it's lovely you and your daughter have this but I can understand he's maybe feeling a bit left out. It's not a whole day but obviously 4.5 hours is a fair while to be by yourself. Did you tell him how long you would be? If not I can understand why he's feeling put out; maybe in future it's worth trying to stick to a time frame or at least an estimate and encourage him to plan activities for himself that will fit that time line. I must confess someone having nohobbies feels a bit bonkers to me! Also it might be worth making the effort to schedule in some things he can do with your daughter with just them together, and also you and him do things together. He absolutely should try and get some past times of his own though, it's not healthy to just aimlessly fill time nor to be dependent on just one or two other people for down time/socialising (though I do appreciate some folk are just introverted naturally which is ok but what's not ok is getting resentful because 'your' people are doing another activity).
 
Putting myself in your husband's shoes, I would definitely struggle if I suddenly didn't have the family time that I valued in my life any more. I know I'd be hurt if my family were out without me doing a hobby that didn't really include me, every evening and on both weekends days. Reasonable or not, it is how I'd feel.

And I also absolutely detest moaning so I can imagine how frustrating that is for you, it would drive me mad too so I do understand how you would be feeling that it's an unfair downer.

Whilst I can see that joining you at the yard seems like a reasonable option, I do know what it's like to try to insert yourself into an activity where you're about as much use as chocolate teapot and are probably more of a hindrance than a help. That's why I leave husband alone with his rowing, even though he always says I can join him and always extends invitations to regattas and trips.

I also know, from experience, that a partner feeling surplus and redundant in a relationship is a horrible and really isolating thing. I have seen it with my own husband when my career took off. I thought it was great that I "didn't ask anything from him" and could run my life, my finances, my horses, our home without asking for anything. It took me a while to realise that asking him for help wasn't piling on him or being a burden, and that actually being able to support the person you is a really valuable and affirming part of being in a relationship. Being in things together, shouldering burdens together, carrying the weight as a couple means we are much closer now.

Drawing more attention to the fact that you aren't asking anything from him, or for him to pay for it probably isn't the route I'd go down. I'd probably go in the other direction entirely. I'd think about asking him to take on some of the burden at home that allows your daughter to have this amazing hobby, and show a way that he is actually contributing to it. Could you maybe delegate something meaningful for your husband to do in the evenings? Could he cook, perhaps? Coming in from a long active day to a lovely meal is such a nice thing, and I always feel a sense of accomplishment and pride being the one to put it on the table.

I do think having one's own hobby is wise for any horse person's spouse but a hobby alone can mean less time as a family not more, and more distance in a relationship. I would do that in tandem with making it a family contribution to supporting your daughter's hobby, and recognising those contributions.

As well as the above (and I will probably not be universally popular for this), I would look for a better balance with the horses. I would probably be doing one or two quick nights a week - chores and out - and then one day on the weekend where things were it was a morning ride, back by 11/12 or something like that.

I think it is tempting to get fully immersed in horses but if it's to the point that it excludes balance in your home life, and doesn't leave space for any other interests to develop for a child, that isn't necessarily a good thing. Children do sometimes lose interest, and as time goes on school might become demanding, university might not leave time for riding, moving into the working world can mean a step back from horses, and having different skills, hobbies and interests is a way to mitigate feeling an immense sense of loss of identity if / when those realities hit.
 
Thank you all so much for your replies. It’s been really helpful reading them all.
I 100% agree with replies regarding DH feeling left out and lonely, and probably a bit redundant now, which makes me feel upset that I’ve let it get to that. I really love him so much, we’ve been together for 10 years and I can’t imagine being without him! I do tell him this regularly as well! But the moaning and sulking just really got to me tonight and I couldn’t see that I should probably empathise with him more. Although, I still think he should get himself a hobby haha.
We do also have four dogs…three labs and a springer spaniel that we all take out for a walk together most evenings after we’ve got back from the horses, and then DH and I always sit down together to eat dinner and watch some TV after DD has gone to bed, so we do have some time together. I can see how it’s probably not enough though.
I felt in my head that I’ve been balancing things quite well, in what is an incredibly busy life I’ve made for myself…but the horse has seemed to have taken a toll on my husband and my other family. I don’t see my parents and sisters as much now either, so I will definitely take on board maybe having a time limit for horse time…maybe a couple of short days where DD doesn’t ride and a weekend day where we’re out early and home early.
I really appreciate the support and advice…as someone not from the equestrian world trying my best for my daughter, it’s so difficult to navigate sometimes and so easy to get carried away with something you enjoy doing so much!
 
I can relate and I’ve had rather heated debates about the amount of time my hobby has taken up over the years. We’ve had some really low points where he went into martyrdom more de cooking and cleaning BUT moaning so much!
Now I always say how long I’ll be. Ask if he has plans. Ask if he needs space or would prefer I walked the dog etc. I doubt the balance is perfect but communication is key! I swan off for six hours every Sunday!
 
TrotterR said:
Thank you all so much for your replies. It’s been really helpful reading them all.
I 100% agree with replies regarding DH feeling left out and lonely, and probably a bit redundant now, which makes me feel upset that I’ve let it get to that. I really love him so much, we’ve been together for 10 years and I can’t imagine being without him! I do tell him this regularly as well! But the moaning and sulking just really got to me tonight and I couldn’t see that I should probably empathise with him more. Although, I still think he should get himself a hobby haha.
We do also have four dogs…three labs and a springer spaniel that we all take out for a walk together most evenings after we’ve got back from the horses, and then DH and I always sit down together to eat dinner and watch some TV after DD has gone to bed, so we do have some time together. I can see how it’s probably not enough though.
I felt in my head that I’ve been balancing things quite well, in what is an incredibly busy life I’ve made for myself…but the horse has seemed to have taken a toll on my husband and my other family. I don’t see my parents and sisters as much now either, so I will definitely take on board maybe having a time limit for horse time…maybe a couple of short days where DD doesn’t ride and a weekend day where we’re out early and home early.
I really appreciate the support and advice…as someone not from the equestrian world trying my best for my daughter, it’s so difficult to navigate sometimes and so easy to get carried away with something you enjoy doing so much!
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I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, I think it happens to absolutely all of us at some point, and in some guise or another. It's all a juggling act, and juggling is hard. And then you add horses, and that's another dimension. I feel like I went through a similar (possibly worse, as my husband was really very unhappy) rough spot and we have figured it out, and I feel we are better than we have been in years now.
 
The trick is definitely to make him feel wanted. Are there any other dads who turn up at the yard? It’s surprising how some dads suddenly become very involved in the horse world having previously been very anti. Could he do some minor but essential ‘tasks’ at the yard? Fix something that’s not quite right or alter something for you or is he not very handy? Even coming along to ‘help’ your daughter could be a small step in the right direction.
 
Patterdale said:
he does help around the house

‘help’? He f***ing lives there! Who’s he helping, the housekeeper?

Tchah.
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Exactly!

I cannot believe the responses suggesting that you have to placate him and that you have to make more of an effort to include him and consider his feelings.

He is a grown man. Surely he has the intelligence to fill his own time if he is bored? Can he not talk to you like an adult and arrange things to do together? Why does it fall to the woman to coordinate outings to keep him happy? If he wants family time surely he can suggest doing things as a family rather than sulking?

How did he think that the pony was going to be looked after daily without someone physically going and doing it? Why would all that money be paid out and your daughter not enjoying hours with her pony?

At the very least he should be using his words like an adult and articulating what his problem is and proposing solutions. It is 2026, women are not here to placate adult babies who are throwing tantrums because they aren't the centre of attention.

What is stopping him from spending time with his daughter at the stables? Nothing. What is stopping him suggesting trips or outings as a family? Nothing.

His daughter is very happy at the stables and being with her pony. Why is he not there too supporting her if he is missing out on time with her? There doesn't need to be other men there to keep him company, especially if his issue is that he wants to see more of his wife and child!

He needs to get a grip and grow up. You do not need to slice yourself even thinner and become a mind reader to soothe an adult who is having strops.
 
My husband is a builder so he’s very handy and has done a few jobs at the yard when I’ve asked…but like a lot of tradesman, when it comes to work on our house/the yard, it can be left months because he’s been doing it all week, why would he want to do it on a weekend too?
I think the issue is also that he wants me at home to help with jobs like painting and tidying the garden on the weekends, and often after a 40 hour work week and the horse and my DD, I admit I don’t really have the energy for! And I think to myself, he can do the garden while I’m out with DD helping her ride or taking her to lessons, which is obviously he finds unfair. How do other horsey mums find the energy to complete the menial, boring tasks haha?!
We had a big group of friends when we were younger and we were the first to have a child, which meant we drifted slightly from them. We still see our friend group often though and he’s going on two holidays with his friends this year, so he has options other than sitting at home twiddling his thumbs…he does have friends he can choose to see or gardening to do etc. He just doesn’t do that!
I know it’s a big lifestyle change, even from going from full loan to owning a horse for a family, but I’m trying to see whether he’s being a martyr or if I’m actually just being completely inconsiderate.
He sulked with me all night last night and I did point out that he’s ruined the time we did get to spend together yesterday by being childish!
I do agree with the above comment that everything seems to fall on me, as the woman to do everything, I feel like I’m looking after two children sometimes! Is it just me, or is this common with horsey families?
 
I've only got what you have written to go on. He may tell it differently but as far as I can see it:

You pay most of the the bills
You pay the full mortgage
You work fulltime
You do all the childcare
You manage most of the housework with a bit of input from him.
You manage your child's only hobby fully both time and cost wise.

What is his contribution to your shared life?
What does he do with his time?
Why can't he contribute more financially and practically?

You say he wants your help with the jobs that he as a tradesman could do. Why don't you want HIS help on childcare, schoolruns and paying for the house?

I think you've discovered a hobby that lights you up, and gives you really valuable shared time with your child which you juggle an extremely busy life and a whole load of responsibilities to deal with.

Not only that but you are showing a different way of living/being to your child who is gaining huge skills when otherwise she might not:

- Time in nature
- Responsibilities for an animal
- Friendships
- Resilience
- Sport/exercise
- Achievements
- Companionship of an adored animal.

She will benefit emotionally and physically hugely from all that.

Perhaps this has made you realise how limted a beer/telly/jobs around the house on a weekend life can feel. Not a problem if you both enjoy that but I would never ever live like that. I think he needs to either expand his own horizons, develop some of the skills you are currently teaching your child or suck it up. Or stay miserable if he insisted. But that would totally be a 'let him' problem as far as I was concerned.

I do have sympaty for him but it's a bit like when 2 people are unfit, overweight, drink a lot but together convince each other that this is all fine. Then one joins a gym, gets healthy, starts feeling great. And other one deeply resents that. It does dramatically change the dynamic but the solution is not for the person who is much happier and healthier to settle for going back to a way of being that does not feel authentic to her, but a rut she was in but has broken out of now.

You have blossomed and are doing things of value. He is stagnating. He wants you to join him in his stagnation. No thanks.
 
Either hubby buys himself a good pair of walking boots and starts to walk out with his daughter and pony, or you tell him straight to grow up and work it out for himself. This is your daughter's hobby and he should be very happy that she isn't sat in her bedroom gaming. I must admit, reading your post, he doesn't appear to contribute a lot to the family and wonder whether this is the male ego thing? If he wants you around to share tasks at home, then he has to be around to share family time. Good luck. Men can be quite unreasonable when they feel that their child is pushing them out of favour - some do see themselves as the eldest child.
 
I’ve not read all the replies but you are not alone! We have a similar situation (one child one pony we do everything together he stays at home) and we’ve had the same sort of issues! I think a lot of it is they feel left behind, excluded etc so we’ve tried to do family stuff around the horses, family holidays etc and it does help. We are now about 5yrs on and we are out more than ever competing, he sometimes comes to watch etc but it’s not his bag at all and finds horse people awful 😂

He’s a lot better now he’s accepted that’s his lot! He has few hobbies and friends too so that really doesn’t help (also some MH issues which he’s having help for) but ultimately my take on it is that it’s mine and my daughters thing and if he chooses to not take part then this is the consequence! He’s ok with it now but we do occasionally get a few gripes! It’s more common than you think to be honest!
 
I will add that my OH has zero interest in the horses. And did find the time we spent at the yard hard at time as it dominated family life for years. He never complained though because he could see the vakue for the rest of us. And he had his own hobbies and was full of ideas of what else we could do so my kids grew up not just with horses with me but also swimming club which he always took them to, bike rides with the family, loads of walking. He took them to XC races and fell races. Did the Sea-to-Sea ride with them - a multi-day trip. He saw absolutely loads of them because he made the time to do fun things with the family.

Basically it is his choice to sit around sulking. It's high time women stopped feeling responsible for the emotional development of their partners. Supportive, yes. Responsble for, no.
 
I suppose you need to think a bit about how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot as it were... what if your daughter had got into golf- a similarly expensive and time consuming hobby - and he was the one taking her there every day and leaving you at home?

I stayed single for a long long time, partly because I didn't want to have to explain myself or compromise. I do finally have a partner who genuinely wants to be involved in the horses (the retired herd now live at his place) but he loves the farming / fixing side of it.
He also plays golf. Which is an excellent way to spend 5 hours away on a weekend day. I love it - its my relaxing time once I have the horses done, knowing that he won't be back for a while and I can have a bit of time to myself or I can stay on at the yard for longer and not feel like I should be coming home.
I'd say he does need a hobby of his own - golf is an excellent choice for time and money drain - but also it IS possible to spend a bit less time at the yard as they are time warps which expand to fit the time allowed. Maybe together schedule actually nice family things to do on the weekend afternoons, so that he understands that you do want to spend time together, just not slobbing around doing nothing (cause then tbh you may as well be at the pony!)... what did you do before the pony came along?
 
I’m the last person to try and placate a sulky man child, but if you want the marriage to continue (do you?) then some discussion is needed going forward.

HHO tends to leap in on such threads and call men out as selfish and useless. Yes, some indeed are, but marriage is a partnership and give and take is required on both sides.

That didn’t mean that the OP should dance around to enable poor, grumpy behaviour but instead to try and get him on side. Is he even cut out for parenthood, or does he resent his daughter for the time she takes up?


My long suffering OH has tolerated my very expensive and time consuming horse habit despite being completely non horsey himself. He is a fantastic dad and got fully immersed in the lads junior cricket days, including managing their junior teams, even though he is not a cricketer himself.
 
sportsmansB said:
I suppose you need to think a bit about how it would feel if the shoe was on the other foot as it were... what if your daughter had got into golf- a similarly expensive and time consuming hobby - and he was the one taking her there every day and leaving you at home?
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I genuinely think if this were the case everyone would be cooing and applauding a wonderful dad and asking mum why she can't just use the time to deep clean the oven.

Can't escape gender expectations here!

I'm not unsympathetic like, I also sprung this lifestyle on my OH. Went from "maybe I'll start taking riding lessons again" to having my own horse on DIY in 3 years and he struggles! But he does spend the time doing housework, he makes dinner 90% of the time or works on his own projects and just gets reasonably frustrated when I'm gone for multiple weekends in a row or I'm not home till 9pm. It's a conversation though, not a guilt trip yap that I'm expected to put all the work into fixing.
 
I can see it from both sides. I have the horses who are obviously very time consuming - OH isn't really bothered and has gotten into his own time consuming hobbies to keep himself busy, golf, motorbikes and football. The flipside is I think he is now actually busier than me and I do feel we are ships passing in the night sometimes :oops:

So I can sometimes be the sulky OH sat at home alone, it's not that I resent him doing stuff he enjoys, but I just get a little lonely and feel like we've disconnected a bit sometimes, especially as he has zero interest in the horses (though why should he). I'm not sure if it's helpful but what makes me feel better is when we carve out some time to actually 'do' stuff together - not just the mundane day-to-day of eating dinner, doing the garden or walking the dogs etc. But an afternoon going out somewhere and spending time together for the sake of it. I'm quite independent and don't want to live in OH's pocket, one afternoon together is usually enough for me to want some alone time with the horses again 🤣 But perhaps you could compromise by setting some time aside each week to do something as a family that is totally non-horsey and OH could be included in?

On the flipside owning horses does tend to make your quite selfish as well I think, as the horses always have to come first, and I have to ground myself a lot. I'm always so exhausted from the horses that I just don't want to do stuff at home like spend a day sorting the garden or doing DIY etc. which has come to a head a few times with my OH when he's admitted to me that he feels I don't have much interest in or really contribute to our home and treat it a bit like a B&B. :oops: I can see it from his perspective, those things just aren't important to me, but they are to him and so I try to make more effort.
 
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