Husband Avice - Please Help cont......

B

BlueberryPocket

Well-Known Member
Joined
9 November 2008
Messages
127
Location
Scotland
Visit site
Followng on from my above post things have got better, worse, better, worse, better, WORSE.

Alot of the suggestions made on the other post were very helpful and have indeed been tried, dicussed etc

My husband anounced that if iwas to fall pregnant he would want me to sell the horse, when i made the suggestion of still owning her but putting her out on loan, he was horried! He thinks it's IMPOSSIBLE to be a mother, wife, continue to work and have a horse - i have pointed out that huundered and thousands of people do it.

I feel he's putting in a very awkward position and is making me chose between him and Vienna whichat the end of the day it really isn't about.

This is all from my side and there are two side to every sorry and I know he allows, if thats the right word to use, alot and it is a huge financial and time commitment. Not that he pays anything for the horse. But i'm sure he could comprise a bit more.

He doesn't want us to split up and neither do i but he doesn't want horse/s to be any part of his life and very much do, welll my life/childrens life.

Stalemate!!!

I dont know what i expect anyone to say or suggest as he is not open to any sort of comprimise. I just really needed to vent.

Thanks for reading/listening
 
Not open to "any sort" of compromise doesn't sound good for a marriage
frown.gif
 
hi sorry dont think ive read any previous posts, this sounds like an awful situation, and im guessing you are hoping to have kids in near future. Now for me i would not be willing to sell/loan my horse out whilst i was pregnant or when i had children.

My point of view is you only get one life if you enjoy horse riding and owning a horse then you should do what makes you happy and make the most of the time you have.

i think he is being very pig-headed and selfish.

(((hugs))) for you hun x
 
I havnt read your other post but heres my opinion- If you think you can manage with a baby and a horse then he should support you. Presumably you were into horses when he met you? If so (or even if not) he is being a complete prat! Horses are part of you, therefore he should accept that, even if he doesnt love them. I think it is ridiculous for a partner to expect someone to give up something that is very important to them just because they dont have the same love.

Thousands of riders manage children and horses. Is not easy but perfectly do-able. It sounds like your husband needs to stop being so selfish
 
Yep hugs... sounds like you need them... I guess you both need to sit down and evaluate what you want from life.. I know my OH would prefer life without.. yet he helps me out and knows (and encourages) me to have time with Peds - his reasoning is if I dont it's a waste of money :-) but I value his compromise beyond gold...
 
My husband gets fed up when I spend too much time on a saturday helping out at the riding school!
I think you are meeting him half way if you do loan your horse out. His only compromise is the horse has got to go.....which is not a compromise at all.
Have you tried showing him how a loan home could work out better?
Is it because of the financial commitment of owning a horse?
 
My husband is not horsey at all and, I'm sure would be happy if I didn't have them. But its my life too and I need horses. So he accepts this and supports me. By helping and supporting me it makes BOTH our lives so much easier
I am a mother, I rode throughout my last pregnancy and have been able to continue to keep my horse, compete and be a bloomin fantastic mother
grin.gif
plus I work part time as well and I run competitively (marathon mainly) . I don't have any family nearby to help so if anyone knows about compromising its my husband
grin.gif

BUT before we all start feeling too sorry for him I also compromise back by being supportive of his career which is incredibly important to him.

It is about communication you need to sit down and see where are the areas that compromise can be made and where there is no negotiation.
Is it
1) He doesn't like the idea of you riding whilst pregnant? Would a sharer help
2) Financial costs -
3) Time - This is never considered a valid arguement in our house as everyone deserves some time away from their children
3) What else is worrying him?

Its only by talking out the specifics that I think any movement will happen on this one.
 
Really sorry to hear your story. Why can't you work and keep a horse? I worked full-time for 27 years including looking after boys 13 months apart and a HUSBAND who I can tell you makes work than any horse!!!

I put up with 25 years of football, cricket, squash and golf before I bought a horse.

If you can cope with a job and a husband you can certainly look after a horse.
smile.gif
 
No babies in the immediate future then........

What an odd person he sounds to be. I wonder if he would feel the same if your hobby was golf, or hill climbining? I suspect it would be.

I can't bear this sort of emotional blackmail - and there would be only one answer for me I'm afraid.
 
If you havent any children yet then tbh you wont understand fully what a diffence they make to your life, time consuming is one of the major things aswell as exhaustion when they are young!!! If you dont want to give way over your horse (and why should you) maybe he will consider a sort of 'wait and see' agreement whereby you set a time limit and see how you and he cope once you do have a child, maybe six months and by then hopefully you will have a routine worked out, maybe a sharer, or at least six months to whittle away at his reservations (suggest a bottle of wine or two before broaching the subject to get him happy ) . You will be giving him the best gift he will ever have in his life dont forget!! There is always a way, you just have to find it!!! Good luck and dont give up (oh and dont get angry or stroppy coz that makes them put their foot down further lolol)
 
Hi

I haven't read your other posts, BUT as someone said i think men are very good at putting themselves first, work, golf, snooker etc ..
I am a single mum with two children aged 1 and 6. I have a pony and foal (i bought the pony when my youngest was 8 months old, in the middle of winter) I have a relationship with the children's father but we don't live together, i work and pay for my keep, the kids, horses etc..Put yourself first, they do...Do what makes you happy. If you want it all, you can have it, you just have to work hard. Hugs
 
Personally I think he's very jealous of your horse.

I would have your husband put down if I were you, he's going to be nothimng but trouble if he's going to use your horse against you!all the time. If you got rid of him and kept your horse you'd be happy. If you kept husband and got rid of horse you'd be sad.

Theres your answer.
 
mine would never tell me to get rid of my horses, kids or no kids. I had them when i met him and that was something he just had to like or lump.
Plus the fact i would be a right miserable b**** if i didnt have my guys.
I think if he wants to keep you he should start acting like it and do something to compromise with you, iys not unreasonable to say/think that.
Whatever you decide good luck xx
 
I think he is being quite unreasonable to make these decisions BEFORE you two have even tried to work things out with a horse and a baby. Of course babies are time consuming and hard work but loads of people cope with babies, jobs and horses so it's always worth a try.

It is a bit weird that he is being so inflexible when there is no reason to be like that at all. Is he spoiling for a fight? Is all this really about something else?
 
[ QUOTE ]
Personally I think he's very jealous of your horse.

I would have your husband put down if I were you

[/ QUOTE ]

laugh.gif


I havent read your other post either, but my husband was a bit like this, he kept saying when and if we havechildren I cant have horses, or comments to that effect. He was interested in them when we first met, then went off them,

I told him a few months back that under no uncertain terms would I sell if we had family, I said IF it came to the point that I couldnt cope I would loan but would never sell, he huffed for a bit then agreed to that.

For me theres more to it than the horse, its the fact someone is trying to run your life for you. Even though you are married and have to compromise, he should to, he should not dictate what you do, thats a completely different matter.

It sounds like he is just using it as the perfect opportunity to get rid of the horse

Hope you get it sorted soon.
 
i commented on your other post, and i think i'll probably end up repeating myself so i won't waffle...

however, i'll let you into mine and my hubby's mantra...

"it's you and me against the world"

no matter what, we support each other. we love and trust each other's decision making. and we both want to see the other person is happy.

now, i know i'm very lucky with my husband, but i do also know that relationships should be a partnership where each individual is supported to grow and develop and be supported and happy.

you need to sit down with him, talk about this and see if you'll ever be that partnership. if you love each other, you should try to make it work.

but, if there isn't any compromise (on either side) then the relationship can't work....

good luck my dear, whatever you decide. xxx
 
Look, I haven't read your other posts, but the phrase 'if I was to fall pregnant' (as opposed to WE are ... )makes me wonder whether he is fully committed - or perhaps a little bit scared - of having a family.

A lot of men do find the thought of a family and the changes to life style/finances, etc quite terrifying. If you feel that is possible, then I feel you need to paint pictures of how you will combine all to make a happy family. Paint pictures of a happy life with horse and child .... and encourage him to tell you how he would envisage family life ... and look for the common areas in your mutual future life dreams. Explain that sometimes you just have to be brave and go for it ... there is never a perfect moment to start a family when everything is guaranteed to be perfect!

On the other hand, if you both have incompatible thoughts of how life will be then that is something you need to think about now!
 
I had my hackles up prepared for this battle when I was pregnant with my daughter. I growled at him that there was no way I was going to sell my horse and that if he tried that tack, he'd regret it (stern stuff!)

Anyway, he was angelic and never once complained about the expense of keeping my horse eventing with a friend (i felt way too sick to ride, etc when pregnant but I know loads of people that have managed easily).

Bizarrely though, when my horse came back after I'd had my daughter I realised that an active and sharp competition horse was the last thing I needed when looking after a brand new baby. So I sold him
crazy.gif


Typically a few months later I'd got my daughter into a routine and felt more normal and started really missing having a horse. My husband lent me his hunter for the summer and I had a lot of fun but, was glad to send him back when I found out I was pregnant again.

I know this doesn't answer your question but I never questioned whether I'd want my horse post birth and was surprised by my quick decision that this just wasn't right - he was a sharp competition horse though and I think had he been a quiet plod, I would have kept him.

I think you should try a sharer or loaning him out as that doesn't close off any of your options but might keep your husband happy - but equally suggest that since you're compromising, it's only fair that he compromises too.

That said, if you're finding fault with your husband, is now really a good time to bring a baby into the family. Babies are fantastic and turn your life upside down, in the best possible way, but you get exhausted and invariably this will cause more arguments anyway so you need to be 100% sure of the relationship before you risk bringing a baby into the environment.

Good luck with your decision and follow your gut instinct - invariably that'll be the right choice.
 
I think you know in your heart that a marriage without compromise is a hard place to be. It is weather you want to be there and how much you are willing to give up in order to make him happy. IMO he is being selfish and out of order. It's good though you know this before you had children with him, you have some tough descision making to do. My opinion is that it is very controlling and selfish to expect you to give up something that is essentially part of who you are. Huge (((hugs)))
 
[ QUOTE ]





That said, if you're finding fault with your husband, is now really a good time to bring a baby into the family. Babies are fantastic and turn your life upside down, in the best possible way, but you get exhausted and invariably this will cause more arguments anyway so you need to be 100% sure of the relationship before you risk bringing a baby into the environment.



[/ QUOTE ]

i agree with this, i just forgot to write it...

babies can be great (if you like that sort of thing..), hey, i'm pregnant with my third... but... they can put a HUGE strain on relationships, if there is a small crack there... a baby will turn it into a giant crevice...

also some husbands can get very jealous of the baby... if he's jealous of the time you spend on a horse... you might want to worry about how he'll react when you're super dooper hormonal and clutching onto your baby, devoting every second of your life to it...
crazy.gif


i do really feel for you. but, smile! and chin up.
smile.gif
 
Haven't read the other post but don't give up! MY OH loathes horses and every minute spent with them. We also have two kids.
A combination of lying and sneaking things on them does the trick, they are male and very simple. They can only think of one thing at a time. They are also far more stubborn than should be possible in a human.
1. Never give them an ultimatum.
2. If you are giving them something to think about say it as they go to work/to mow the lawn/for a drive - somewhere that they will have time to think.
Sex helps - no sex makes them moody, lots of sex makes them easy going.
wink.gif

Will go and look for your other post now...
 
Just read your first thread and he sounds a bit difficult and selfish. A difficult one but you have to have a life of your own, as long as hes not getting too neglected - unlikely if hes never there- then whats his problem.
Best of luck.
 
HOW VERY DARE HE! Do not breed from this man. They only get worse. Decide what YOU want from life and go for it. I would put him on permanent loan with a view to sell!
 
Hmmmmm, I am thinking that my partner is commiting adultery :S

My horse is responsible for everything from famine to the war in afghnistan.

Tell him to wind his neck in.

It seems that they want to sap every inch of pleasure from us, dosnt it.

Of course you can have a baby and a horse, it is a little more difficult at first, but now that Daisy is now 3 she gets really invilved.

Oh forgot, heres a good one for you, he and his family ( what the hell has it to do with them anyway) say she cant have a pony until I get rid of Dexter!!!!!!!!!! wheres the logic in that.

He is staying and OH and family can get stuffed.

OHHHHHH and realx, sorry my reply turned into a rant.

Feel free to vent splein on my PM if you like
 
We've been happerly married for 40 years, never had kids from choice as both from big families, but through good times and some very bad times, the oh has never once asked me to sell my horses and the other girls that have replied give you your answer.Sorry but you can have children and Horses.
And Gails tell his family to get stuffed Yeh!!
 
Regardless of baby or not if someone tries to stop you from enjoying what you are passionate about I don't think a relationship will ever work in the long-term. If love of horses (or anything else) is part of your spirit then its like someone is trying to crush your spirit. If you decide you have different priorities if you have a baby then thats different - I think many people do.

If anyone told me I would have to get rid of my cats or horse I would tell them to get stuffed (maybe thats why Im still single
grin.gif
) I did dump a boyfriend as soon as I found out he was allergic to cats!
 
I think you need to take the horse out of the question all together. He sounds exceptionally controlling, and that is not a healthy situation in which to bring a child. My husband makes a lot of rude muttering noises about my horse, but he knows how much she means to me, and so he seems able to cope with her.

Whatever the issue was, whether it was horses, cars or bl**dy peacocks made of glass, I don't think its acceptable for either party in a relationship to dictate to the other what they can and can't do.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top