Husband horse jealousy

[LHIS]

Hi everyone - I'm not sure this is the right area for this dilemma - apologies if it's isn't!

I need some advice from ladies with husbands and horses... I got a pony on loan earlier this year, he's stabled at the owners yard and the set up is perfect. My original agreement with the owner was for a part loan, but as I've settled in I find myself there most evenings after work (he's a young horse, backed last year and I'm bringing him on - so requires quite a bit of time but we're progressing well!). Like most of you, I'm horse mad, it was my first love and I adore it. When given the opportunity to have a pony again after a 3 year drought due to lack of funds I jumped at the chance.

Pony-wise everything is great. But my husband is jealous. We've been married just under a year, both mid-twenties, and prior to me having my current pony he had not experienced the horsey side of me.

I'd like to ask other ladies how they juggle this - I'm hoping I'm not alone in this particular issue?
I have tried to explain to hubby what it is I love about it, and that it is just 'my thing' but he feels abandoned and jealous. He doesn't really have a hobby and has been used to having me playing the dutiful girlfriend/wife for the past 3 years.
Sadly he isn't interested in giving horses a go, he isn't an animal lover, doesn't like getting dirty, just isn't an outdoorsy person. I've tried to encourage him to come and watch me ride in a bid to make him understand and appreciate what my hobby does for me, but he isn't interested and the only time he came to watch a lesson he spent the whole hour staring at his ipad.

We hope in the future to be able to have a property with stables (my idea being I would at home and would be in and out so this would make it easier on him), but this is a few years off at the moment so not an option.

This is also the main barrier to buying the loan pony I have, so I am keen to get this sorted. I know some compromise is going to be involved here, but I could do with some advice please.

 

[paddi22]

my husband just eventually gave in and gave up! He moaned at first, but now is landed with four that will shortly move into our back field. Just make sure you carve out time for him and then just forge on ahead with your hobby. It's not your fault if he has no hobbies. What does he spend his time doing? If he wants you to be happy, he has to understand this is important to you. Happy wife = happy life.

Mine would rather watch paint dry than watch me at a show or anything. But he is crazy about the foal now that it is at the house.

I always think you are either horsey or not, and for me its non negotiable. The way i see it is that if he had a hobby that was really important to him, I'd accept it. So it should work the other way around.

 

[stormclouds]

Hmm that is a tricky one - especially as he's new to the horsey-side of you!

I was in a fairly similar position with my OH (we live together but not married, and same sort of age as you guys). When I met him I was riding horses for a few people, but didn't have my own and wasn't ever 'required' to be somewhere all the time, every day. When we moved in together, I decided to buy my own (after a few loans didn't go well). He was a bit shocked by the amount of time (and money) they took up.

He's pretty brilliant about it all though to be fair - he comes down every now and again, acts as dutiful groom when I compete and puts up with me rabbiting on all day about pony. However, it's definitely about compromise - I make sure that I give pony a couple of evenings off a week (ride etc. before work) so OH and I get more time together, and likewise, I get weekend mornings off for a lie-in with him.

I think, being blunt, your husband has to get over it. If you can afford it yourself and it won't negatively effect what you two can do, then really he should be happy that you're not spending all day every day following him around! I hate to say it too - but is he quite controlling at all? My ex hated me riding and often 'banned' me from seeing him and seeing my horse on the same day - and ultimately it came down to 'me or the horse' (he didn't win, obviously!).

Is there anyway you can encourage him to get his own hobbies? Go see his friends or something?

I think it's really important for both people in a relationship to have their own lives/hobbies - you still need to be your own person, not just one person in two bodies!

Maybe have a proper chat with him (if you haven't already) - ask him what realistically he wants from this - is it just he wants you for 1/2 evenings a week without the horse? Or does he just want the horse gone full-stop? If he can't be rational or logical about it, then maybe it's something a bit deeper than just the horse.

You know how time (and money and energy) consuming horses are, so (in my experience anyway) I think it's impossible to do without a supportive (or at least accepting) OH.

 

[LHIS]

my husband just eventually gave in and gave up! He moaned at first, but now is landed with four that will shortly move into our back field. Just make sure you carve out time for him and then just forge on ahead with your hobby. It's not your fault if he has no hobbies. What does he spend his time doing? If he wants you to be happy, he has to understand this is important to you. Happy wife = happy life.

Mine would rather watch paint dry than watch me at a show or anything. But he is crazy about the foal now that it is at the house.

I always think you are either horsey or not, and for me its non negotiable. The way i see it is that if he had a hobby that was really important to him, I'd accept it. So it should work the other way around.

Haha yes - I jokingly mentioned the 'happy wife, happy life' mantra to him and he half-smiled. My husband is very laid back, he likes to take it easy and not to a great deal. I am on the other hand a busy body, like to be doing something constantly, can't just sit around whilst there's things to be done type. My husband's hobby is as a volunteer police officer (I used to do it too - it was the thing that brought us together) - he tends to go on duty at the weekends which leaves me free to delight in horses, but he doesn't go in the evenings after work as his job is quite stressful and he likes to vege out in the evenings, which is fair enough. I'm quite happy with him going on duty - I have a major advantage in that having done his hobby myself, and I loved it too, I 'get it'.
As you suggest, it is non-negotiable, but we need to find a way forward.

 

[HeresHoping]

Limit your time at the yard to 2.5 hours per day (spread over either end if you like, depending upon duties). It is more than feasible to do the pony in this time including all jobs. Stick at it for a few weeks and then let it slip a bit.


And a bit more.

And a bit more.

And a tiny bit more.

Mwahahahahaaaa! You have moved the status quo in your favour by stealth. You'll have been gone 4 hours before he notices. But so bowled over by the effort you've made will he be that he will have given up moaning. Also, tell him you need to get it all in now because when you have children you'll be having to reassess your 'me' time for the next few years.

Alternatively, buy him a man shed and put it up in the bottom of the garden. Into this place trains, motorbikes, X-Box, War Games models, or whatever his guilty pleasure.

When you return from the yard at 8:00 having been there since 4:00, you'll find you will have plenty of time to pour a glass of wine, get dinner on the go, do a few chores and nab the remote before he rolls in at 9:30 pm full of remorse (mainly over his rumbling stomach). At this point you can ask, innocently, 'Where have you been?'.

HTH. Brought to you with the experience of 13 years of marriage, two children and 2500 late evenings at the yard.

 

[LHIS]

Hmm that is a tricky one - especially as he's new to the horsey-side of you!

I was in a fairly similar position with my OH (we live together but not married, and same sort of age as you guys). When I met him I was riding horses for a few people, but didn't have my own and wasn't ever 'required' to be somewhere all the time, every day. When we moved in together, I decided to buy my own (after a few loans didn't go well). He was a bit shocked by the amount of time (and money) they took up.

He's pretty brilliant about it all though to be fair - he comes down every now and again, acts as dutiful groom when I compete and puts up with me rabbiting on all day about pony. However, it's definitely about compromise - I make sure that I give pony a couple of evenings off a week (ride etc. before work) so OH and I get more time together, and likewise, I get weekend mornings off for a lie-in with him.

I think, being blunt, your husband has to get over it. If you can afford it yourself and it won't negatively effect what you two can do, then really he should be happy that you're not spending all day every day following him around! I hate to say it too - but is he quite controlling at all? My ex hated me riding and often 'banned' me from seeing him and seeing my horse on the same day - and ultimately it came down to 'me or the horse' (he didn't win, obviously!).

Is there anyway you can encourage him to get his own hobbies? Go see his friends or something?

I think it's really important for both people in a relationship to have their own lives/hobbies - you still need to be your own person, not just one person in two bodies!

Maybe have a proper chat with him (if you haven't already) - ask him what realistically he wants from this - is it just he wants you for 1/2 evenings a week without the horse? Or does he just want the horse gone full-stop? If he can't be rational or logical about it, then maybe it's something a bit deeper than just the horse.

You know how time (and money and energy) consuming horses are, so (in my experience anyway) I think it's impossible to do without a supportive (or at least accepting) OH.

Hmmm.. yes I half agree with you. He is, I suppose, controlling in a way in that now that the pony has arrived he's now sharing my attention, whereas previously he had me at his beck and call if you like, and he doesn't like it. He hasn't demanded me to choose between, but said he wants more time with me. Because he doesn't understand horses, and isn't willing to come and physically watch me do all the jobs that are associated with horses, let alone ride, it's hard to explain this to him and the commitment that comes with it.

As mentioned above, his hobby is as a volunteer police officer, but due to his day job he only goes on duty at the weekends. He does see friends yes, and I encourage him to, but as he's quite a laid back person, and a total 'sofa bear' he's quite happy in front of the tv on on his games consoles.
He does understand that we need our hobbies, and that it's important that we both have our own hobbies. I just think he underestimated quite how much work a pony needs. Of course I couldn't expect him to know, he's not been near a horse in his life and his family are not animal people at all, so he's never really experienced the commitment any pets are.

We had 'the chat' and he said he just wants to see me more, and I have said I will do my best to accommodate this, but he doesn't like the idea of having to 'book' time with his wife. He is happy to let the pony stay, but wants more time with me.

Completely aside from this, to give you a little more background, we also recently moved from Lancashire to his native Cheshire. So in the move I lost my friends, my job, everything. We've moved close to his family, and he has friends here. I have a new job, but making friends is hard I'm finding - my pony is a life saver for me and the much needed anchor to help me settle in here. Prior to me finding the pony, hubby was feeling guilty for going on duty, and said he felt he had to be at home for me, as I was so reliant on him, given he was the one who moved me away from my friends and job.

p.s We moved to be closer to his work - he was commuting from Lancaster to Manchester and it just wasn't sustainable. I had no ties to Lancashire other than my friends, but it was my home. His job is very location dependant - he needs to be nearby in order to progress and do well. My job less so, having not ever known what I want to do as a career (except Police - but swiftly changed my mind after 2 years volunteering as a police officer) I work as an office manager. I don't resent the move, but it was disruptive for me.

 

[LHIS]

Limit your time at the yard to 2.5 hours per day (spread over either end if you like, depending upon duties). It is more than feasible to do the pony in this time including all jobs. Stick at it for a few weeks and then let it slip a bit.


And a bit more.

And a bit more.

And a tiny bit more.

Mwahahahahaaaa! You have moved the status quo in your favour by stealth. You'll have been gone 4 hours before he notices. But so bowled over by the effort you've made will he be that he will have given up moaning. Also, tell him you need to get it all in now because when you have children you'll be having to reassess your 'me' time for the next few years.

Alternatively, buy him a man shed and put it up in the bottom of the garden. Into this place trains, motorbikes, X-Box, War Games models, or whatever his guilty pleasure.

When you return from the yard at 8:00 having been there since 4:00, you'll find you will have plenty of time to pour a glass of wine, get dinner on the go, do a few chores and nab the remote before he rolls in at 9:30 pm full of remorse (mainly over his rumbling stomach). At this point you can ask, innocently, 'Where have you been?'.

HTH. Brought to you with the experience of 13 years of marriage, two children and 2500 late evenings at the yard.

Haha! Love this. Thank you - will try this all.
P.s I have already proposed a 'man shed' - it will be full of all manner of thing - models of sci-fi memorabilia, endless games consoles, and Star Wars DVDS. Lol

 

[paddi22]

i wouldn't pay a jot of attention to his moaning. He should understand the horses are a good way for you to make friends and integrate.
If i was you i'd buy the world most boring boardgame, and any time he goes to enjoy his hobbies (tv or games console) I'd plug them out, bring out the board game, and start moaning about how you want to spend more quality time together. After a few weeks of this i'd imagine he will be happy enough to let you go riding.

He is doing HIS hobbies, its just his hobbies are tv and consoles. Just because he is home, doesn't mean its quality time with you. This isn't quality time for you, its not doing what you enjoy - chances are you are probably just sat on the sofa half watching whatever is on. If he wants more time with you he can step away from the telly and consoles and take you out anytime i'd imagine.

 

[LHIS]

Yes good idea - I will do that. We could do with a new Monopoly board.. the dog has chewed the plastic houses lol.

When I ask him what he'd like to do during our time together I get a shrug and 'dunno'. I usually suggest taking the dog for a long walk, maybe swing by a pub on the way. He usually agrees, though reluctantly as again it involved going outside, probably getting a bit muddy, though is happier once we get to the pub bit.

I agree with your point about his hobbies being at home - and yeah I do sit there watching whatever's on with him, before sloping off and doing house jobs/gardening/baking etc.

 

[Pixie88]

How long have you loaned the pony?

I am guessing a I am similar age to you mid/late 20's and when I got my boy in July my partner was only used to me riding other peoples horses. So I didn't have the daily duties. After 2 weeks of me spending every evening all evening up the yard and him having to cook and walk the dog each night... he got a bit shirty (understandably).

My partner doesn't do horses, he is allergic to them. He will dose up and come and help me if needed, but it isn't something he wants to do obviously.
We have now come to an agreement that works perfectly for us I have my riding days and non riding days. So Monday & Wednesday I will ride and he will cook, with the aim of me being home for 8:30. Tuesday and Thursday are my cooking days/non riding days and he gets to do his man things (go and play football). I also do the morning dog walks on Mon, Wed & Fri so that he can go to the gym. This isn't set in stone (apart from Tuesday Football). Then Fridays I see what happens and we either cook or do a take-away. Weekends depend on our plans.

It is just abut balancing it all, and him accepting that horses do take a lot of time. Although according to my OH I spend more time in the tearoom gossiping then anything else!!! After 2 months of owning my boy he is happy with the arrangement because he knows it makes me happy. He has even stopped asking what I have spent on the horse because 'he doesn't want to know as long as we can afford it'!!

He will get there... Set a routine and after a few months just push it a bit... Then the routine will go as it will be winter and he wont notice

 

[fatpiggy]

He needs to man up a bit. If he doesn't want a hobby or two of his own, that's his problem (more fool him) but he shouldn't just expect you to wait on him hand, foot and finger. I do think it is important that you make an effort to do things together, but you didn't marry him to be his slave. Its a partnership, the days of the wives being owned by their husband are long gone. I'm willing to bet he just sat on the sofa and had his mother running around at the flick of his fingers before you got married too! Without trying to sound gloomy, what on earth is he going to be like if and when you have a child or two? If he can't stand you being out for a set amount of time seeing to the pony, having a child demanding unscheduled attention at all hours is going to completely do his head in. He doesn't want you spending time doing your thing without him, but is quite happy doing his without you, ie. the gaming. I think you two need to do some serious talking TBH.

 

[LHIS]

He needs to man up a bit. If he doesn't want a hobby or two of his own, that's his problem (more fool him) but he shouldn't just expect you to wait on him hand, foot and finger. I do think it is important that you make an effort to do things together, but you didn't marry him to be his slave. Its a partnership, the days of the wives being owned by their husband are long gone. I'm willing to bet he just sat on the sofa and had his mother running around at the flick of his fingers before you got married too! Without trying to sound gloomy, what on earth is he going to be like if and when you have a child or two? If he can't stand you being out for a set amount of time seeing to the pony, having a child demanding unscheduled attention at all hours is going to completely do his head in. He doesn't want you spending time doing your thing without him, but is quite happy doing his without you, ie. the gaming. I think you two need to do some serious talking TBH.

Before we met he was quite independent, he lived alone from age 20 and had a couple of occasional hobbies, mostly his volunteering policing. When we met and got together, his hobbies flagged a bit and for a while he did nothing. In the past 3 years, up until the pony arrived, I suppose I have waited on him hand and foot, perhaps it's partially my fault for playing the dutiful wife role.
My point is, he's not a chauvinist, I just think he'd had his nose put out of joint a little now that his wife has another being that needs her attention. But yes, it will be interesting when we have children, I have already mentioned that I will need him to do more (I currently do the house jobs, cooking etc - but this is because I have a system and I don't mind doing it) and he is aware that our time together will take a nose dive, for at least a few years.

 

[Goldenstar]

I have been married 26 years we where together seven years before that my OH was not at all horsey when we met .
I got him riding that helped he has two hunters now I was greatly helped by him being an out door type however he never enjoyed coming to competitions and was frankly a pain I learnt in time to leave him alone at home when I do my horsey stuff.
I still get a stream of texts asking me when I am coming home what's for supper etc etc when I am away at say a dressage lesson I used to bring it up with him and say I don't pester you when your out with your friends at the pub and he got cross arguments followed
Then I got smart I ignore the texts till it suits me then I text don't know xxxx or soon xxx and behave it a very sunny happy way when I get home if he's grumpy I behave even happier so he gives up.
Somethings are not not for negotiation ,in my book horses are not ,don't let your OH dictate how you spend all your leisure time .
But you have to be fair for instance on Thursday we are having a night out in town I hate this sort of thing but will go along and commit to enjoying it we go to his local every and I mean every Friday night it bores me rigid but I go wearing a smile .

 

[LHIS]

How long have you loaned the pony?

I am guessing a I am similar age to you mid/late 20's and when I got my boy in July my partner was only used to me riding other peoples horses. So I didn't have the daily duties. After 2 weeks of me spending every evening all evening up the yard and him having to cook and walk the dog each night... he got a bit shirty (understandably).

My partner doesn't do horses, he is allergic to them. He will dose up and come and help me if needed, but it isn't something he wants to do obviously.
We have now come to an agreement that works perfectly for us I have my riding days and non riding days. So Monday & Wednesday I will ride and he will cook, with the aim of me being home for 8:30. Tuesday and Thursday are my cooking days/non riding days and he gets to do his man things (go and play football). I also do the morning dog walks on Mon, Wed & Fri so that he can go to the gym. This isn't set in stone (apart from Tuesday Football). Then Fridays I see what happens and we either cook or do a take-away. Weekends depend on our plans.

It is just abut balancing it all, and him accepting that horses do take a lot of time. Although according to my OH I spend more time in the tearoom gossiping then anything else!!! After 2 months of owning my boy he is happy with the arrangement because he knows it makes me happy. He has even stopped asking what I have spent on the horse because 'he doesn't want to know as long as we can afford it'!!

He will get there... Set a routine and after a few months just push it a bit... Then the routine will go as it will be winter and he wont notice

Yes we're probably the same age. Your set-up does sound very similar to mine, husband is 'allergic' to animals (aka gets a bit of a sniffle - though he does have asthma so dusty environments isn't good for him). I've had the pony since Easter, he's officially a loan, but between me and the owner, he's a LWVTB and I've been planting the seed of thought with the hubster for a while now.

Your agreement sounds like what I think we're heading for - following the chat about it last night we agreed that the only way forward seemed to be having set days - set days and a share of the cooking (one of his main arguments is that he's waiting at home hungry - poor love), though I have been recently calling him when I leave the yard and he preps dinner ready for me to take over when I arrive home.

Thanks for the advice!

 

[MaisyMayhill]

I moved 9 years ago, 200 miles away from my friends and family to be with my partner in the Cotswolds. New job, no friends, did his hobby, mates with bikes. Being in horsey country, and horsey as a child, found a riding school, off I went. It was the only thing that kept me sane. Met a friend called Julie who had her own yard, hey presto, now had a friend and a free ride on her horses. Then I ended up owning one!

It has taken a few years with patience for him to understand MY hobby. I put him in charge of the 4x4 and trailer (man job) and he come to watch me have lessons and then compete he was made to feel that he was just as important part for the day. Hold this hold that, can you help me with this and that.

Yes, he was extremely jealous at the beginning, this animal taking so much of my time but the smile on my face and being happy and my hard work to take up dressage and compete on a very difficult mare and come home with rosettes, he's slowly understanding.

Though not the buying of the stuff that comes with owning a horse, those conversations, debates are very much alive!... HOW MUCH?!!! continuously rings in my ears.

Partner is now husband and is becoming a well trained groom - work in progress and now I feel I can leave him for a week in charge to go home! OK so I've had the odd phone call to say my mare is in her PJ's (stable rug) in the field!! but at least it wasn't raining or a very hot day!

He loves Badminton XC day and off to Blenheim in September.

I now own two finish work at 5, home at 6, work with horses until 8, muck out etc. then finally food, this is our life. We have a set routine and manage the horses around us.

 

[LHIS]

Thank you all for your advice and personal experience - I feel less of a mean wife now and quite justified in my sticking to my guns. And I'm glad I'm not the only one!

I think our way forward is having set days where I will do my very very best to stay away from the yard. And I'll get him a man shed.

 

[LHIS]

MaisyMayhill your system sounds ideal - even if it has taken a while to get used to.

I have a glimmer of hope that hubby may become more interested and maybe, just maybe, learn to like my pony (or any future ponies should this one not work out for any reason) just a little bit.
It's taken 3 years, but he's gone from being anti-pets, to adoring my (now 'our') dog, and though he sometimes makes out he doesn't like her that much, I find them in cahoots quite regularly. As mentioned this has taken years, so I suspect a pony would take even longer, but maybe one day he might entertain the idea of maybe helping me with some of the more fun jobs (I'd put him in charge of the trailer as you suggest).

Thanks for the advice/insight!

 

[Alec Swan]

It's often a problem for men when they're the centre of someone's attention, and then they feel 'abandoned' when the focus is side-lined! It can be very similar when a new baby puts in an appearance, and I mean it! It took me some while before I didn't resent my daughter! I got over it, because I had no choice, but when she first came home, we hated each other! That's all by the by.

I really wouldn't recommend you taking a 'stuff you, I'm doing what I like' attitude, as that will only deepen the resentment. As others have said, trying to involve him in your interests is the only real way forward, but if he's determined to sulk, and that's in reality what he's doing, and you give in and abandon your revived interest, then you will buckle over other issues too. It's such a shame that he can't take pleasure, even if he doesn't participate, in what brings you pleasure. He does sound just a wee bit self centred.

I'm not really being much help, am I? Sorry!

Alec.

 

[EQUIDAE]

I bought mine his own

 

[LHIS]

It's often a problem for men when they're the centre of someone's attention, and then they feel 'abandoned' when the focus is side-lined! It can be very similar when a new baby puts in an appearance, and I mean it! It took me some while before I didn't resent my daughter! I got over it, because I had no choice, but when she first came home, we hated each other! That's all by the by.

I really wouldn't recommend you taking a 'stuff you, I'm doing what I like' attitude, as that will only deepen the resentment. As others have said, trying to involve him in your interests is the only real way forward, but if he's determined to sulk, and that's in reality what he's doing, and you give in and abandon your revived interest, then you will buckle over other issues too. It's such a shame that he can't take pleasure, even if he doesn't participate, in what brings you pleasure. He does sound just a wee bit self centred.

I'm not really being much help, am I? Sorry!

Alec.

Thanks Alec - always good to have a male perspective to give me a little insight in to how the male mind works!
I will keep inviting him, though he will probably keep saying no. He does notice how happy I am when I come home, skipping through the door in a good mood, then proceeding to bang on about all the things Pony and I achieved that evening.
Sadly I think he could not be any less interested as he currently is - but I will keep trying.

Oh AND I always make a point of saying thank you to him for supporting me financially to be able to afford my Pony comfortably. Gratitude goes a long way with him.

 

[LHIS]

I bought mine his own

Haha.. maybe one day, if he has a complete U-turn?!

My pony is a complete sweetheart and I'd describe him a bit like a large dog, so he's definitely the right animal to try and convert him. But I think there's very little chance on getting him on board

 

[Cheshire Chestnut]

Weird, I met my OH in Cheshire as a special too...although he's a regular and I'm no longer 'specialling'. I was on a break from owning horses when I met him as I concentrated on getting a new job and buying a house. Then when we moved in together I had money for a horse again! I loaned at first, then we moved house and a new pony I had on loan I ended up buying. Although it sounds like it happened gradually, we both knew I'd end up owning him anyway, so the loan wasn't going to be for long. I don't ever think we had any moments where he's been jealous as such - I was always really conscious right from the start to always make time for him and 'us time'. I always make sure I put the horse on full livery one day every few weeks in the winter (Summer is fine as he lives out), in order to do something just me and him - I make sure I don't even step foot on the yard that day. To be honest, it's always nice to have a non horsey day anyway and a break from mucking out

He's not horsey at all so wouldn't come to the yard or show an interest, however we have progressed a lot in 3 years and he now will feed him a carrot and walk with us to the pub!

Oh and best tip of all: I bought him a Playstaion 4 and a Batman game. He now practically pushes me out the door so he can have some peace to play his game. Best money I've ever spent. Everyone's a winner!

 

[LHIS]

Weird, I met my OH in Cheshire as a special too...although he's a regular and I'm no longer 'specialling'. I was on a break from owning horses when I met him as I concentrated on getting a new job and buying a house. Then when we moved in together I had money for a horse again! I loaned at first, then we moved house and a new pony I had on loan I ended up buying. Although it sounds like it happened gradually, we both knew I'd end up owning him anyway, so the loan wasn't going to be for long. I don't ever think we had any moments where he's been jealous as such - I was always really conscious right from the start to always make time for him and 'us time'. I always make sure I put the horse on full livery one day every few weeks in the winter (Summer is fine as he lives out), in order to do something just me and him - I make sure I don't even step foot on the yard that day. To be honest, it's always nice to have a non horsey day anyway and a break from mucking out

He's not horsey at all so wouldn't come to the yard or show an interest, however we have progressed a lot in 3 years and he now will feed him a carrot and walk with us to the pub!

Oh and best tip of all: I bought him a Playstaion 4 and a Batman game. He now practically pushes me out the door so he can have some peace to play his game. Best money I've ever spent. Everyone's a winner!

Uncanny (though my hubby is a 'career special' and has no urge to become a regular - he's now a Sgt with his own team so he's loving it)! Yes, agree with the PS4 - when he muses 'shall I buy the new XXXXX game?' I always reply with a 'Go for it sweetie' or something along those lines. Entertained for hours.

I think he knows, whether or not he admits it, that this Pony (unless something goes horribly wrong) will be a keeper, and I'll do my very best to ensure this happens (I have a 'pony fund' accumulating nicely at the moment, ready to combat the 'HOW MUCH?!' remarks when the time comes to buy him). Hopefully one day he might too offer the carrot-olive branch and they can reach a truce.

 

[Barnacle]

Just a thought but could you "challenge" him to a hobby swap? You play some PS4 games with him and then he takes a riding lesson and meets your pony? Given that his complaint is that he doesn't get to spend enough time with you, he obviously cares about you and likes you being around... So surely that's a sensible compromise.

Obviously, make the lesson as positive as possible! Let the instructor know to go easy on him but also make it interesting (like, do have a trot but with someone leading) and praise him lots for his "natural talent" afterwards... I have yet to meet someone whose opinion of riding hasn't shifted for the better once they tried it (and let me tell you some of those people were dragged kicking and screaming ).

 

[Alec Swan]

I bought mine his own

NO NO NO, LHIS, forget the other ideas, this ^^^^ is pure genius, but needs a touch of adjustment! ………. What you do is this; You breeze in one day, with a "Darling, I've bought you a pressy". He'll beam at you. "Not one horse, but two! ". Turn around and leave the room. Allow him to stew on it. He'll hit the roof, but for a while you look hurt and upset, 'How could he be so ungrateful'?

Now then, eventually (and it's important that you spin this out for at least a couple of days) you acquiesce and agree that the two new pressies may not have been such a good idea, and that the seller 'may' be prepared to take them back, but does the existing pony have to go too?

If you work it right, the man will agree to anything!

Alec.

ps and as a disclaimer, OP this is all t-i-c!

 

[Peregrine Falcon]

It is all about finding a balance. Fortunately I already had one pony when we met. He gave me money for my birthday one year and I bought a mare and foal. The herd has grown and diminished and now growing again. We now have 2 kids too.

Even as a couple you need time away from each other but also make sure that you spend quality time together. We have family time every sunday too (although sometimes that is spent at a show!).

Can you invest in a slow cooker so that dinner can be ready for when he gets home if you are out with pony?

 

[Exploding Chestnuts]

It is all about finding a balance. Fortunately I already had one pony when we met. He gave me money for my birthday one year and I bought a mare and foal. The herd has grown and diminished and now growing again. We now have 2 kids too.

Even as a couple you need time away from each other but also make sure that you spend quality time together. We have family time every sunday too (although sometimes that is spent at a show!).

Can you invest in a slow cooker so that dinner can be ready for when he gets home if you are out with pony?

Or treat him to a course of cookery lessons...... maybe something cheffy, and Italian, if you like pasta.

 

[Tapir]

my husband (of 14 years)is totally non horsey but we are both independent people and don't have to, or indeed want to, spend every single minute of our non-work time together.

I don't get home until 7.30 at the very earliest in the evenings and spend both weekend mornings riding & doing my ponies. He goes to the gym after work & he also has motorbikes to play with & go on rides on. Of course if there's somewhere we want to go for the day, I get up early to do the ponies so we can spend the whole day together.

Weekend afternoons are for us to do stuff together and we spend time chatting/eating/watching TV together when I get home in the evenings. If he's at home feeling hungry, why doesn't he cook whilst waiting for you?

I think I'd be bored stiff sitting in front of the TV all evening, every evening. Would he not at least go the the gym or do something else active that doesn't necessarily involve you?

 

[fathorselover]

Hi everyone - I'm not sure this is the right area for this dilemma - apologies if it's isn't!

I need some advice from ladies with husbands and horses... I got a pony on loan earlier this year, he's stabled at the owners yard and the set up is perfect. My original agreement with the owner was for a part loan, but as I've settled in I find myself there most evenings after work (he's a young horse, backed last year and I'm bringing him on - so requires quite a bit of time but we're progressing well!). Like most of you, I'm horse mad, it was my first love and I adore it. When given the opportunity to have a pony again after a 3 year drought due to lack of funds I jumped at the chance.

Pony-wise everything is great. But my husband is jealous. We've been married just under a year, both mid-twenties, and prior to me having my current pony he had not experienced the horsey side of me.

I'd like to ask other ladies how they juggle this - I'm hoping I'm not alone in this particular issue?
I have tried to explain to hubby what it is I love about it, and that it is just 'my thing' but he feels abandoned and jealous. He doesn't really have a hobby and has been used to having me playing the dutiful girlfriend/wife for the past 3 years.
Sadly he isn't interested in giving horses a go, he isn't an animal lover, doesn't like getting dirty, just isn't an outdoorsy person. I've tried to encourage him to come and watch me ride in a bid to make him understand and appreciate what my hobby does for me, but he isn't interested and the only time he came to watch a lesson he spent the whole hour staring at his ipad.

We hope in the future to be able to have a property with stables (my idea being I would at home and would be in and out so this would make it easier on him), but this is a few years off at the moment so not an option.

This is also the main barrier to buying the loan pony I have, so I am keen to get this sorted. I know some compromise is going to be involved here, but I could do with some advice please.

Sounds a bit like my husband- i encouraged him to get a motorbike, which worked well!!

 

[Jazzy B]

I ended up divorcing my husband.... So prob not very much help and now have loads of horsey time in my 30s...

I would say, just keep the lines of communication open and dig in. Compromise is important but so is being true to yourself.