I feel like I just don’t fit in

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SL500

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Hi, this isn’t directly Horse related but I felt this may be the best place to seek some constructive suggestions. I’m really struggling at the moment. It’s been a difficult year and i have been let down by people I had once been close to (Horsey friends)

As a result it’s really knocked me, my confidence is on the floor and it’s impacting my riding. I subsequently feel like I’m not good enough for my horse.

I’m on a new yard which seems friendly, no one is nasty or bitchy yet still no one will ride with me, I’ve asked them and after one ride I get dropped, I’ve really thought about the topics discussed on the ride, made a conscious effort to listen to them, enquire about them and their horse and I regularly go out of my way to help people out, but now I find I’m being dropped. I unfortunately can’t take my mare out on her own, she is just safer in company but because of this I find I’m having to school and she’s getting a little sour to it.

How do people make and maintain friendships, I’m really struggling here.
 
That’s a tricky one, you are probably not being dropped, it just sounds like at the moment you’re quite dependant on others to hack, whereas they’re not depending on you so are probably not even thinking about it in that way. I have a horse that I can hack alone, others on my yard can only go out in company. It’s my personal preference to hack alone, and although I do occasionally go out with others if they ask me, or if we are coincidentally hacking at the same time, I never ask them. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them or don’t regard them as friends.

You don’t say how long you’ve been on the yard but maybe people just aren’t thinking about it in the same way you are. It sounds like a friendly place so maybe in time you’ll get into a bit of a rhythm with it and find that others start including you in their hacking plans 😊
 
I find some people like hacking solo, some like hacking with particular horses or people. Some horses aren’t as good at faster work with more than two people. Some people want to chat & confide in friends alone hacking. For some people it’s their main downtime and don’t want to share.

Hacking speed / behaviour is a bit different for different people too. Not everting assesses ground & terrain the same.

Do you have yard FB / message group? You could try asking if anyone would be up for hacking with you as your horse is better in company.

Sharers might be worth approaching too.
 
When I used to hack a lot I hated hacking with others, because we all have different reasons for hacking, its a bit like shopping with someone, you both end up not getting all the things you need. Depending on the size of the yard it may be hard to find an exact match, and they this time of year hacking horse are restricted.
I think you have to be honest about what you want from the hack, is it a pootle or a hour mainly trotting with the odd canter, and time to chat when you are walking cooling off for the last half mile. My take is if your talking often you are not really aware of what’s going around you and most of riding out is seeing spook events ahead and preventing them.
If your horse just needs the confidence of company perhaps there is a older child you could go out with. I walked on foot and riding for hours with my children, if someone could have taken them I would have had more time for mucking out and poo picking.
There is also yard routine, I was taught always muck out before you ride, but now I would always do it straight away if the weather is good, you can always muck out in the rain. So if someone is going out even if its not your routine, make time.
Try not to take things as a slight. I spent three x20mins last weekend reassuring my cleaner that there was nothing wrong with my husband because he didn't stop to chat while scrapping off his car in morning. Some of us are just too involved in the now and the next job we have to do.
 
Are you well matched with the other riders from an ability perspective? Or is one of you wanting to walk most of the ride whilst the other rarely walks and prefers trot/canter.

I mostly hack alone as can't stand pootling along. Equally if my horse is being an arse, I want the opportunity to fix it without relying on someone else to do the sensible thing (i.e, just hold on a minute).
 
When you say being dropped are they avoiding your messages asking to hack or do they not contact you?

Could you make a group chat with those on the yard and ask who’s hacking today and see who responds?
We had a group chat for riders close by and people would say “heading out at 6, going this route.” and it was an open invite for everyone. It was fab. My horse prefers hacking with others so I sympathise. I don’t mind either way but when she’s happy, I’m happy so I preferred having hacking friends for her.

If they’ve made it clear they don’t like hacking with you could you just ask them why? It could be as simple as they don’t like going as fast/slow, short/far as you, trotting on the road etc. You don’t have anything to lose to ask them what the issue is if they’re not hacking with you anyway and it could be something easily changeable that you’ve not realised.
They maybe also don’t realise you’d be happy to do their ride and happy to tag along with whatever their plans were.

You sound considerate and thoughtful so make sure timekeeping is punctual and be as easy going as possible.
 
I think it's also trickier this time of year as hacking opportunities are much more limited which means people have their own plans of what they want to do during a hack. Im the person who often goes further than anyone else wants to 😂 so people would ask to join me but the quick follow up question would be 'how far are you going. . . '

Honestly I think it takes time, one of my best riding pals took a while to warm up, partly as YO wanted my pony to go in a field with her horse when I first moved on (that didn't happen then but did a couple of years later! My current main hacking buddy has just left the yard (we had similar needs/speeds/timings, I appreciated hers was better at gates)
 
SL500 said:
Hi, this isn’t directly Horse related but I felt this may be the best place to seek some constructive suggestions. I’m really struggling at the moment. It’s been a difficult year and i have been let down by people I had once been close to (Horsey friends)

As a result it’s really knocked me, my confidence is on the floor and it’s impacting my riding. I subsequently feel like I’m not good enough for my horse.

I’m on a new yard which seems friendly, no one is nasty or bitchy yet still no one will ride with me, I’ve asked them and after one ride I get dropped, I’ve really thought about the topics discussed on the ride, made a conscious effort to listen to them, enquire about them and their horse and I regularly go out of my way to help people out, but now I find I’m being dropped. I unfortunately can’t take my mare out on her own, she is just safer in company but because of this I find I’m having to school and she’s getting a little sour to it.

How do people make and maintain friendships, I’m really struggling here.
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If you find out, let me know! 🙂

I've never been very good at friendships, I find them exhausting:

Making small talk, trying not to offend, hoping they have the same dark sense of humour, and basically trying not to be weird and scare them off! 😄

I think finding someone who is on your wavelength, and generally has the the same thoughts and opinions as you, does make it a bit less work. But i do think that lasting friendships are the ones that form and develop naturally, it's not something that can be forced.

I hope you can find someone to ride out with regularly. Would it be worth asking the YO if she knows of anyone needing a hacking buddy?
 
Recreate yourself as organiser….make it known you d like to ride on a regular basis…we had a Tuesday morning hack.. 3 or 4 of us…and had picnic lunch afterwards or coffee and cake if it was winter afternoons. Create a WhatsApp group and you ll find that if you are the regular lynch pin others will opt in and out as their schedule allows. It’s worth a go.
 
It’s so hard trying to find hacking friends as most people want very different things. I’m a nervous hacker after a scary experience , some days when my steed feels calm I’m up for canters /lots of trots etc , however other days, when he’s brimming with excitement I’d rather pootle. Therefore I’m not an ideal hacking partner, I started with walking in hand and now have him hacking alone.Strangely he’s better alone, than in company , not strong or silly ….. see if you can build up to going alone.
 
Midlifecrisis said:
Recreate yourself as organiser….make it known you d like to ride on a regular basis…we had a Tuesday morning hack.. 3 or 4 of us…and had picnic lunch afterwards or coffee and cake if it was winter afternoons. Create a WhatsApp group and you ll find that if you are the regular lynch pin others will opt in and out as their schedule allows. It’s worth a go.
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This would drive me to the hills. I hate all that idle chat, and it becomes a witches coven.
 
bluehorse said:
That’s a tricky one, you are probably not being dropped, it just sounds like at the moment you’re quite dependant on others to hack, whereas they’re not depending on you so are probably not even thinking about it in that way. I have a horse that I can hack alone, others on my yard can only go out in company. It’s my personal preference to hack alone, and although I do occasionally go out with others if they ask me, or if we are coincidentally hacking at the same time, I never ask them. It doesn’t mean I don’t like them or don’t regard them as friends.

You don’t say how long you’ve been on the yard but maybe people just aren’t thinking about it in the same way you are. It sounds like a friendly place so maybe in time you’ll get into a bit of a rhythm with it and find that others start including you in their hacking plans 😊
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You’re probably right.
 
FlyingCircus said:
Are you well matched with the other riders from an ability perspective? Or is one of you wanting to walk most of the ride whilst the other rarely walks and prefers trot/canter.

I mostly hack alone as can't stand pootling along. Equally if my horse is being an arse, I want the opportunity to fix it without relying on someone else to do the sensible thing (i.e, just hold on a minute).
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That’s a perspective I’ve not considered, thanks
 
Midlifecrisis said:
Honetpot I suppose in some yards this might be the case so I understand your reaction however on the couple of yards I’ve been on where we ve organised this it’s worked well and been supportive. Thinking about it though we ve been women of a similar age, experience and outlook.
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That sounds lovely
 
southerncomfort said:
If you find out, let me know! 🙂

I've never been very good at friendships, I find them exhausting:

Making small talk, trying not to offend, hoping they have the same dark sense of humour, and basically trying not to be weird and scare them off! 😄

I think finding someone who is on your wavelength, and generally has the the same thoughts and opinions as you, does make it a bit less work. But i do think that lasting friendships are the ones that form and develop naturally, it's not something that can be forced.

I hope you can find someone to ride out with regularly. Would it be worth asking the YO if she knows of anyone needing a hacking buddy?
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I have asked the YO but I guess they can’t suggest someone else in case they feel they’d like to go alone. Tricky isn’t it
 
motherof2beasts! said:
It’s so hard trying to find hacking friends as most people want very different things. I’m a nervous hacker after a scary experience , some days when my steed feels calm I’m up for canters /lots of trots etc , however other days, when he’s brimming with excitement I’d rather pootle. Therefore I’m not an ideal hacking partner, I started with walking in hand and now have him hacking alone.Strangely he’s better alone, than in company , not strong or silly ….. see if you can build up to going alone.
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Thank you for the suggestion I’m going to do that 🥰
 
Midlifecrisis said:
Recreate yourself as organiser….make it known you d like to ride on a regular basis…we had a Tuesday morning hack.. 3 or 4 of us…and had picnic lunch afterwards or coffee and cake if it was winter afternoons. Create a WhatsApp group and you ll find that if you are the regular lynch pin others will opt in and out as their schedule allows. It’s worth a go.
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I did try this…. I got radio silence
 
Peglo said:
When you say being dropped are they avoiding your messages asking to hack or do they not contact you?

Could you make a group chat with those on the yard and ask who’s hacking today and see who responds?
We had a group chat for riders close by and people would say “heading out at 6, going this route.” and it was an open invite for everyone. It was fab. My horse prefers hacking with others so I sympathise. I don’t mind either way but when she’s happy, I’m happy so I preferred having hacking friends for her.

If they’ve made it clear they don’t like hacking with you could you just ask them why? It could be as simple as they don’t like going as fast/slow, short/far as you, trotting on the road etc. You don’t have anything to lose to ask them what the issue is if they’re not hacking with you anyway and it could be something easily changeable that you’ve not realised.
They maybe also don’t realise you’d be happy to do their ride and happy to tag along with whatever their plans were.

You sound considerate and thoughtful so make sure timekeeping is punctual and be as easy going as possible.
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I’m confident I’m doing all that, I just feel so flat because we both live hacking and now it’s few and far between I’ve even set up a local Facebook friendship group for horse riders in hope to meet like minded riders
 
SL500 said:
That’s a perspective I’ve not considered, thanks
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You'll probably find once you're happy to go it alone, people will want to ride with you!

I've had youngsters people didn't want to hack with (they'd be ok to ride with me, then ask what horse I was riding 😂), difficult horses that no one wanted to hack with and as soon as they started becoming civilised to hack alone and I was totally fine with being alone, miraculously more people wanted to ride with me.

I have to confess, I don't particularly enjoy "babysitting" horses or riders. I do it occasionally for friends and plan it in consciously as a more chill ride, but don't make a habit of it just because their horses acting up sometimes upsets my horses, or the rider gets worried and I'm not a good therapist to try and help them through it 😂
 
I've found the occasional hacking partner but I'd say that I've had to make quite a few offers to find the right one. I don't take people not being interested too hard, because they could have many reasons for it. There have been times when I rather hack alone than deal with chatter and other people/horses.

Some people like to be alone, some like to be with a certain person or people, and you're not always going to be that person or people. It's fine, but it is hard, I get it.

I don't fit in super well at my yard in some ways, especially because I'm one out of two that ride a particular discipline. I was so excited when someone else came to the yard and also rode the same discipline with the same type of horse, but we don't get on well at all. So it was a bummer.

Can you take your mare out in-hand alone? You could do handwalks.

Some people are also spontaneous, so they don't do planned hacks and maybe you just don't catch them at the right moment. So there's that too. On top that some are fair weather riders or less motivated in general at certain times of the year.
 
Try to not take it personally and make it a priority that you get your horse hacking alone, I know it's difficult ,I've been in the same position when I was on a livery yard & had a young horse who needed help to get out hacking, I had to sort myself out. I have my own place now & have had several young horses and virtually no help but have got them out alone, including the mare I currently have who was a nightmare, so I would try to get help , even if you have to pay someone to start with and get independent, makes life so much easier.
 
irishdraft said:
Try to not take it personally and make it a priority that you get your horse hacking alone, I know it's difficult ,I've been in the same position when I was on a livery yard & had a young horse who needed help to get out hacking, I had to sort myself out. I have my own place now & have had several young horses and virtually no help but have got them out alone, including the mare I currently have who was a nightmare, so I would try to get help , even if you have to pay someone to start with and get independent, makes life so much easier.
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Thank you for the focus I needed 🫶🏻
 
Don’t be worried to get off when you do start hacking alone, I’ll probably be culled for this but I frequently get off if there’s something scary , lead past, then hop back on. For me I relax as soon as I’m off, once his head hits my chin and he tenses up I do exactly the same, which is not helpful, I relax as soon as off. He is an angel on the ground though and relaxes following me, feeding me to the lions/cows….
 
I would make a real effort to get horse hacking alone. I'm very lucky as mine will hack alone or in company. I ride with a friend at a set time on a weekend. It's early doors so done and dusted so I have the rest of the day to myself. I really don't like arranging to ride at any other time anymore. My weekend time is precious!! Perhaps the other riders there are like me!! I just really like doing my own thing. O hope you get it resolved and start to enjoy your riding.
 
Also echoing what everyone else is saying about trying to use this as an opportunity to get your horse hacking alone. Just take it slowly, celebrate the small wins and build it up gradually!

Just to add another perspective, I’m one of the only ones on my yard who regularly rides but I typically tend to go on my own even if others have asked. It’s not that I don’t want to ride with people, but at this time of year where opportunities to ride are limited i have to make the most of any break in the weather!

My mare can also be a bit of a worrier and sometimes it easier to just deal with the worry on our own rather than upsetting another horse - I know my mare hates lorry’s so if we’re going a route that takes us past the tip then I’ll avoid going out with any horse that might react to her theatrics! It does mean that i don’t risk going out with new people in the yard till i know a bit more about what their horse is like, generally if they’re hacking alone i can reasonably assume they’ll be fine to ride with.

Best of luck with it all, it’s not fun at the time but if you use this opportunity to develop yours and your horses confidence out hacking you’ll probably find everyone will want to go out with you!
 
OP - that’s tough. Does it need to be a hack out though? One of my mates is someone I love to hang with as she is smart, funny and so insightful, but her horse is a clown. I won’t hack with her. As she doesn’t address her horses bad behaviour and it impacts our ride. Her horse, her way of doing things. So we do our own thing and then have a coffee, chat and laugh afterward.

Another mate does a different discipline to me. I can’t do the stress of big eventing weekends away competing. But if she is competing close to home, I love going to watch her, walking the course with her etc. she is truly the best story teller and when we should be focussing on her course walk, we are instead having a good laugh. Love the time I spend with her, but hacking out with her for me is not pleasurable as she goes at the speed of light.

Build your friendships from a wider base. Find what you really enjoy about the person and how you share experiences, even if they are really diverse. Deep friendships form, you spend time together but not necessarily hacking together.
 
My horses walk on. Years ago it was called ‘walk march’ my friends dawdle and only trot or canter up hill. Drives me mad and my horses get fed up keep stopping and waiting. It’s impossible to chat. If I’m invited to join them I ride my elderly retired pony who enjoys a chance to graze while on a hack. Maybe your horse is either too fast or too slow. Hope it works out for you.
 
Agree with all comments made, and adult friendships are hard! Everyone is busy and has their own prerogative.

I never joined my previous yards group hacks. Rooni is dreadful with traffic, I ride slightly before the sun rises all year and as long as he’s had a 20/30 min jolly away from the school once a week that’s a box ticked for him.

I only hacked with one other person who was there at sparrow fart and her is a SAINT, and I’m still friends with her and still hack with her! We would be on for 5.15am before work mid week, it was great!

I’m a chronic overthinker, but it does sound like you are over thinking.
 
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