I feel like I just don’t fit in

[Chianti]

I did try this…. I got radio silence

That's rather sad and very unkind of the other liveries. I do share your pain. I have a fairly little pony and nobody wanted to hack out with the old lady and the pony with short legs. I always hacked alone which I didn't mind but I knew that my pony would like company occasionally. I was really lucky that a new sharer started on the yard and she asked me if I'd like to go out with her so that became a weekly date. Are there any other yards local to you where there might be someone who would want to hack out? Often people who have their horses at home are looking for hacking partners. In the mean time try and smile and do your own thing at the yard. Give it time but if you really want hacking buddies and the other liveries don't respond then you might be better looking for a friendlier yard.

 

[mini-eventer]

I get the same quiet often I message my yard group and radio silence.

Apparently there is a rumour that I gallop about all over the place! I absolutely do not.

I can be a bit nervous but I do like a good trot and do work towards a good fitness plan so do get plenty of cantering in when ground and fitness allows.

I am happy to do slower hacks and tend to only ask when I am looking to do a short steady one.

Consequently if I need to do a longer faster one I would often choose to go alone as it seems that the majority don't like to go off the farm or above trot

 

[emilylou]

I like to hack alone and with others. But if I’m hacking with others then I only enjoy it if..

It’s early in the morning, once a week (no more ), they are happy to ride at a good pace but also don’t want to trot on roads as I don’t like doing that, they are ready to ride at the time we agreed and I don’t have to spend ages waiting around for them to be ready and they don’t want to talk constantly the entire time- though some chatting is nice.

As you can imagine I am excellent company

I don’t mind babysitting people a bit but equally don’t want it to feel like the rides focus is a schooling exercise for the other persons horse, unless they have specifically asked for help with xyz

I have limited time to ride and sometimes don’t know when I’ll be fitting it in that day, so if someone was always wanting to ride with me and know what time I’d be doing it, it would feel like a bit of a bind as some days I don’t know and wouldn’t want to feel boxed in to a schedule

Having said all that I would have replied to a plea for a riding buddy to the group chat and said when I could perhaps make it work. If it’s the same time every week then much easier for me to factor in

 

[cauda equina]

I second the suggestion to get hacking confidently on your own
It may be that if people get to see you as a confident hacking buddy, rather than someone nervous who needs nannying, they'll be keener to ride with you

 

[MissMay]

So I don't like hacking with others except one other family member as we are the same so it's easy.

I hate waiting for someone I Like to work off my own time
If you said in the text your horse is nervous or that you dislike hacking alone I also wouldn't have responded in case you thought we were life long hacking buddies
I also dislike commiting to someone I don't really know in case it turns out they aren't nice and suddenly I'm attached to them or they make comments to others etc. I like to figure someone out from afar first but that's a once bitten twice shy

 

[atropa]

It's a tricky one. I don't mind hacking in company but I'm another who has big horses who like to march forward, one in particular I have spent a lot of time getting forward as she was quite nappy with me when I first got her..it is surprisingly difficult to find hacking partners who go at the same speed.
I also like to keep my schedule very flexible and please myself so it can be difficult for me to commit to riding with someone else. This is made even more difficult at this time of year.
I would feel terribly sorry for someone on the yard who was looking for a buddy and getting consistent radio silence though, and likely would arrange a ride or two with them.

 

[nikkimariet]

I like to hack alone and with others. But if I’m hacking with others then I only enjoy it if..

It’s early in the morning, once a week (no more ), they are happy to ride at a good pace but also don’t want to trot on roads as I don’t like doing that, they are ready to ride at the time we agreed and I don’t have to spend ages waiting around for them to be ready and they don’t want to talk constantly the entire time- though some chatting is nice.

As you can imagine I am excellent company

I don’t mind babysitting people a bit but equally don’t want it to feel like the rides focus is a schooling exercise for the other persons horse, unless they have specifically asked for help with xyz

I have limited time to ride and sometimes don’t know when I’ll be fitting it in that day, so if someone was always wanting to ride with me and know what time I’d be doing it, it would feel like a bit of a bind as some days I don’t know and wouldn’t want to feel boxed in to a schedule

Having said all that I would have replied to a plea for a riding buddy to the group chat and said when I could perhaps make it work. If it’s the same time every week then much easier for me to factor in

I don’t suppose you’re near me you & pony sound great

 

[LadyGascoyne]

I pay someone to ride one of my horses while I ride the other. One of mine hacks out alone beautifully but the other is more nervous and does better with company.

I would pay that person to take another horse or their own horse if I couldn't take my other mare for some reason. Is there someone who might commit to accompanying you, at your pace, to your requirements for a fee?

 

[Fire sign]

Hi, this isn’t directly Horse related but I felt this may be the best place to seek some constructive suggestions. I’m really struggling at the moment. It’s been a difficult year and i have been let down by people I had once been close to (Horsey friends)

As a result it’s really knocked me, my confidence is on the floor and it’s impacting my riding. I subsequently feel like I’m not good enough for my horse.

I’m on a new yard which seems friendly, no one is nasty or bitchy yet still no one will ride with me, I’ve asked them and after one ride I get dropped, I’ve really thought about the topics discussed on the ride, made a conscious effort to listen to them, enquire about them and their horse and I regularly go out of my way to help people out, but now I find I’m being dropped. I unfortunately can’t take my mare out on her own, she is just safer in company but because of this I find I’m having to school and she’s getting a little sour to it.

How do people make and maintain friendships, I’m really struggling here.

Which part of the country are you in then ? Someone local may be able to meet up with you for horse fun !

 

[Kirstineridesagain]

I’m confident I’m doing all that, I just feel so flat because we both live hacking and now it’s few and far between I’ve even set up a local Facebook friendship group for horse riders in hope to meet like minded riders

Wish you were closer! I’m forever looking for hacking buddies. I don’t mind solo hacks, but my share horse is so nappy on his own it becomes a walk out and a slow ride back. I’ll be moving onto the horse I recently bought soon (well, after her foal has been weaned)and I really hope the new yard has more sociable people on it.

To be fair it’s probably got a lot to do with my slow horse - although he’s faster in company, he’s still slower than their horses. The weird thing was when a new lady joined to exercise a laminitic pony, going slowly at first, and I asked her a couple of times to join her and she said she preferred going solo. Next time I was up she was going out with someone else.

I’m the type to only have a few, long term friends, I find it hard to make new ones although I consider myself a fairly sociable person who can make small talk. But I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s probably something annoying about me, have no idea what it is, and therefore not everyone’s cup of tea.

 

[Kirstineridesagain]

So I don't like hacking with others except one other family member as we are the same so it's easy.

I hate waiting for someone I Like to work off my own time
If you said in the text your horse is nervous or that you dislike hacking alone I also wouldn't have responded in case you thought we were life long hacking buddies
I also dislike commiting to someone I don't really know in case it turns out they aren't nice and suddenly I'm attached to them or they make comments to others etc. I like to figure someone out from afar first but that's a once bitten twice shy

You sound lovely!

 

[kerrieberry2]

I feel your pain! there are so many people out there that just go with you when it suits them!
could you put a post on your local horsy FB pages, to see if there is anyone on a near by yard that might be interested in a riding buddy?
do you have a yard group chat, where you could post asking if anyone fancies hacking with you each weekend! then hopefully they'll see that you're keen to go out and might start asking you more often!

 

[MissMay]

You sound lovely!

You obviously never had an experience where someone waits for you with their nervous horse they can't hack alone and tries to crash every single ride you have.

Horses are an expensive enjoyable hobby and most of us have busy full on lives how we choose to spend our downtime might be hacking in silence, using the hack to call a friend, working on something in particular and not having the pace and direction of the ride dictated by someone who is worried.

Many an instructor will work on your hacking they will come on foot and show you how to navigate and be your guide for working through things I don't think it's fair to expect others to do that when you don't know what they use riding for. People might use it as the only down and alone time they get and it's a mental health space.

Sure if someone pops in a WhatsApp group and I want to go ill attend but if someone makes a whatsapp group because they can't hack alone and want me to babysit them on my only hour of silence a day..... no

 

[IrishMilo]

I think in 99% of cases it's nothing personal and people just have things to be getting on with/want some alone time etc.

That being said there are people I would never hack with from previous yards, and I imagine them me, as we just have different preferences. I know people who will hack in walk for 2 hours straight which is my idea of hell. Or be constantly chatting to their horse because they're nervous, or saying how spooky they're being when the horse simply blinked. It's nothing personal but if I've made the effort to ride I want to enjoy it.

I have a friend who I used to have a blast with, we both had little turbo ponies at the time and we'd basically go drag hunting just us two!

 

[Annagain]

Have you been open about needing a bit of help rather than just trying to organise a ride? I'll ride with any of the girls at our yard but wouldn't necessarily put myself out to do it if it was just a casual riding arrangement. I'd be more inclined to ride at a specific time or go on a certain route if someone had asked for my help to get hacking. I know some might be put off doing that but I'm always happy to, mainly as I knew what it felt like when I was in that boat with Charlie.

 

[paddy555]

I'm someone who would do anything to avoid hacking with others. However if someone told me their horse wasn't good to hack alone I would work with them on that problem. That may be using another horse, long reining their horse, a bike or simply walking with them.

If your horse isn't happy alone can you find someone to help with the problem. What about an instructor who will take your mare out a few times for you and you can go by car and watch them? then swap over and they give instruction when needed. An experienced rider on your yard who is happy for a bit of cash to ride alone a few times for you? (presuming someone is insured of course). Is the problem partly you? in that case can you hire a very safe horse and go out for a couple of rides alone.

I feel if you solve the horse and your problems then you will soon find yourself going out with others.

 

[9tails]

Can you pinpoint anything that may have caused those you've hacked out with to not offer again? For me, there are a few things that would put me off:

• Those that HAVE to go in front
• Those that only want to walk
• Those that are too nervous and screech
• Those that can't control their horse
• Those that are unkind riders or call their horse names
• Unkind and judgemental gossipers

 

[Alibear]

I would also recommend you keep asking on the yard message groups; one day, it will suit someone, and it might grow from there.
I say this as it's worked for people I know and hack with.

 

[fidleyspromise]

It might not be you but that their horse isn't suited to yours, they want to just relax and enjoy their horse or they want to go faster.

My friend has a horse with a fast walk so it gets frustrating for her and her horse when they need to stop often for others to catch up. It's her downtime wherecshe limited riding hours to get away from everything so she wants to just enjoy her hack. - when we go put together we canter up and down steep paths, wind in and out of narrow trees and very, very few people are comfortable with that.

I ride more often so I have more time to give to more nervous riders or horses. My horse is slower so a good match for most. I am happy and willing to go out with anyone however I don't want 3 days of my weekend taken up babysitting as I want my horse to be able to relax and do her thing too. She nannies when I need her to and then gets zooming with my best friend letting off steam.

There is another rider I go out with. She's confident but not so much on the dodgy paths me and my horse like so when we go out I choose paths that have a slight difficulty but keep it positive. I've got her popping over a few logs out and about. We joke about her needing wine after a ride out with me - especially on the paths I think are OK and then realise it's not.

Another rider gets nervous at trot if shes not in front. I then take charge deciding the best formation for everyone but I've worked as a riding instructor and taken hacks out since i was 15 so its natural for me to look after and check on everyone despite it being their own horses and/or the horse and rider being perfectly capable.

I went to a photoshoot yesterday and three horses were not happy going in the water so my cool little Highland led them in, one followed no issue but I could see his rider felt he needed to be in front (he was speedy) so we led them into the water and I told her to set off. I held my mare back, told a Confident rider to go and I stayed back with the last horse to help him out. I had fun, my horse was sensible and she got to have a few gallops.

Let people know you need help out hacking. Get on local groups and ask if anyone has a horse that could go out hacking with you as you're lacking confidence.

 

[Fieldlife]

Can you pinpoint anything that may have caused those you've hacked out with to not offer again? For me, there are a few things that would put me off:

• Those that HAVE to go in front
• Those that only want to walk
• Those that are too nervous and screech
• Those that can't control their horse
• Those that are unkind riders or call their horse names
• Unkind and judgemental gossipers

those that have different views on what ground is suitable for what pace and dont want to compromise.

those that dont show consideration to the other ride before changing pace.

those that get to a regular canter spot and blast off without discussion

dont wait or show common sense. I had to get off to relock a paddlock (we'd been riding inside the field on a hack). Person I was riding with crossed a busy road with their horse, away from us whilst I was mounting from said gate. Even though we were riding home together. Not helpful, and potentially dangerous. Common sense would be to stand nearby whilst I mounted.

Those that dont vary where they canter / or dont start slower and increase pace once horses being polite (few I know have trained horses to take off at all likely canter spots)

Negative nellies, there is someone in my local area that complains all the time about everything. Not my ideal companion.

Some horses dont like each other, or dont have compatible paces. Not necessarily size as some small ones cover ground. I do get irritated if companion walks / trots slower than my horse, and it isnt bad ground, and makes no effort to keep up.


Not that I think OP is necessarily doing anything wrong.

 

[MuddyMonster]

You sound lovely!

I don't think that's fair. You have no idea what they are like as a person and if you can't say anything nice, why not say just say nothing? Everyone has their own reasons.

I mainly hack alone and it's nothing personal to most but more that their idea of a nice ride differs to mine and we all too hard to compromise on how we spend our free time.

I've hacked plenty with people when it's aligned.

 

[Caol Ila]

It can be hard finding hacking buddies.

My mare hacks solo, and does not believe in hurrying anywhere (I mean, she does trot and canter on the trail, but it's so rocky here and there is almost nowhere to do sustained stretches of that), so it's a pain to hack her with horses who walk fast. I end up nagging her a lot to keep up, and I think we both get annoyed. I know who we can at least adapt to, and who not to bother with. I am also more paranoid than other riders about footing, and I know who will trot/canter on stuff I won't. I avoid them.

My gelding does not hack solo. He is also not fast due to short Highland legs, but unlike my mare, he will put effort into scurrying along to keep up, but obviously that only goes so far. He'll never move at the same pace as a fast, long-striding warmblood. On weeks hacking buddies are in short supply, he just doesn't get out that much.

 

[Flowerofthefen]

You obviously never had an experience where someone waits for you with their nervous horse they can't hack alone and tries to crash every single ride you have.

Horses are an expensive enjoyable hobby and most of us have busy full on lives how we choose to spend our downtime might be hacking in silence, using the hack to call a friend, working on something in particular and not having the pace and direction of the ride dictated by someone who is worried.

Many an instructor will work on your hacking they will come on foot and show you how to navigate and be your guide for working through things I don't think it's fair to expect others to do that when you don't know what they use riding for. People might use it as the only down and alone time they get and it's a mental health space.

Sure if someone pops in a WhatsApp group and I want to go ill attend but if someone makes a whatsapp group because they can't hack alone and want me to babysit them on my only hour of silence a day..... no

My friend wanted me to babysit her on a hack which was fine. I got to yard, did my jobs, was about to get my horse ready but friend hadn't even turned up! She turned up an hour late, she had got drunk the night before, she didn't even say sorry for being late. I didn't arrange to ride with her again!!

 

[paddy555]

r and taken hacks out since i was 15 so its natural for me to look after and check on everyone despite it being their own horses and/or the horse and rider being perfectly capable.

I hadn't seen that written before but I am exactly the same. I took a lot of rides out, a lot were beginners so obviously was totally looking out for and judging every situation for every horse and rider. and it became automatic.
I find now 50 years later I am still the same. In a group of horses and people I am still looking out for everything and everyone. I can't seem to just mind my own business and concentrate on my own. I'm sure most are more capable than I am but it is still there.

 

[happyhorse978]

That's a tricky situation. Try not to think too deeply into it, there may be various different innocent reasons behind it. It's not nice that the other liveries are ignoring your messages though, they should give you an answer "Sorry I can't hack because..."

For example, I do prefer hacking alone, but I do hack out with one of the liveries at my yard as her horse is pretty good the majority of the time, so we know that works. I have a young horse who is very well behaved, but he is sharp and sensitive and I have put a lot of time and effort into getting him out hacking confidently and relaxed. Therefore, I am careful with who I hack with as I wouldn't want to go out with someone whose horse is ridiculously silly and potentially upset mine. I also find others aren't always particularly considerate of others needs, for example my horse likes his own space out hacking, he would get a little claustrophobic and worried if the other horse was walking right up close to him and brushing against him, and I find it really frustrating when I have to repeatedly ask for them to not be so close that our stirrups are touching!!! I would simply rather go alone. I understand not everyone is like this, however it does make you a little cautious, particularly on a sharper/sensitive type where something like that could easily worry them or set them back.

I always think it's tricky with new liveries especially - some people say their horse is a saint to hack and then someone will go out with them and then find out it definitely is not a saint, so I do wonder if there is an element of people wanting to see what the new horse is like before hacking with them, if that makes sense? On that note, I wouldn't hesitate to nicely explain to someone that I'm not going to hack with them at the moment because it wouldn't be suitable, or the hack they want to do wouldn't be suitable for me. For example, two of the lovely liveries at my yard go out hacking together galloping through the fields, which is lovely for them, but it would not suit my young horse right now and whenever they have asked me if I wanted to go with them, I have politely declined/explained. I much prefer to do my own thing, i enjoy my time with my horses and I don't see it as a 'social' time with other people, I like it just being me and my horses. However, I am always polite and friendly and i get on really well with all the liveries. Yes a hack with a friend is lovely, but i also like to be able to go out on my own too.

However, that being said, if a livery was struggling to get their horse out and needed someone to accompany them, I would offer to come out on my other pony who isn't fussed by other horses antics. Alternatively, in the past I have offered to walk out on foot with someone who needed company. It's nice to be nice! I do understand how you are feeling, it is hard when you feel like that.

Basically, try not to worry too much - some people just really like spending alone time with their horse, and it's not personal. It might be worth seeing if there are any horsey facebook groups you can join in your area, and asking if there is anyone who would like to hack out with you nearby? And as others have said, it is a good opportunity to get your horse comfortable hacking out alone. Best of luck xx

 

[Fieldlife]

It can be hard finding hacking buddies.

My mare hacks solo, and does not believe in hurrying anywhere (I mean, she does trot and canter on the trail, but it's so rocky here and there is almost nowhere to do sustained stretches of that), so it's a pain to hack her with horses who walk fast. I end up nagging her a lot to keep up, and I think we both get annoyed. I know who we can at least adapt to, and who not to bother with. I am also more paranoid than other riders about footing, and I know who will trot/canter on stuff I won't. I avoid them.

My gelding does not hack solo. He is also not fast due to short Highland legs, but unlike my mare, he will put effort into scurrying along to keep up, but obviously that only goes so far. He'll never move at the same pace as a fast, long-striding warmblood. On weeks hacking buddies are in short supply, he just doesn't get out that much.

Sharer for the mare, who only rides when you hack, so both horses hack together?

 

[Hormonal Filly]

I just wanted to comment and say I've been in exactly the same situation as you! I'd like to say I'm a easy going, friendly person but try to stay out of the gossips and yard 'groups' I'm not sure if I should of taken it personally, but it definitely feels that way so know how you're feeling.

I have been at my yard 2 years now, and there are 3 people I was regularly riding out with (before my horse broke)

Some people take a while to warm to new liveries, could it be that? Is there a local horsey Facebook page for the area? I met some friends by posting on our local group for hacking buddies!

 

[fidleyspromise]

I hadn't seen that written before but I am exactly the same. I took a lot of rides out, a lot were beginners so obviously was totally looking out for and judging every situation for every horse and rider. and it became automatic.
I find now 50 years later I am still the same. In a group of horses and people I am still looking out for everything and everyone. I can't seem to just mind my own business and concentrate on my own. I'm sure most are more capable than I am but it is still there.

It just doesn't go away does it? I'm only 25 years on from when I started looking after other riders.
I have no maternal instinct but give me a less confident rider and it comes out.

 

[throwawayaccount]

its hard isn't it you're not the problem, i do think being ignored on your WA group by the others is rude tho. (that said, i sometimes read and forget to reply, so maybe its just this?)

i know its not the same, but have you got a friend that could come to the yard with you and walk out on foot or cycle next to you for now?

 

[Caol Ila]

Sharer for the mare, who only rides when you hack, so both horses hack together?

No, no, no, no. I backed the mare myself and am far too neurotic to share her.

I just live with it and have a friend who rides the gelding, so he goes out with her sometimes (or was, before he got a hole in his foot).