I feel so bad

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Cheetchy

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Hi all, looking for some advice.

My friend and I were at a yard and my friend was really struggling there, I thought she might end up moving si suggested we look at other yards together to see what was out there.

We found a yard which looked lovely and offered slightly more facility wise and proceeded to move our horses.

Within the first couple of days I knew I had made a mistake, I wasn't sleeping, was upset and my horse wasn't settling but my friend who had been struggling seems much happier and content.

Fast forward 2 weeks well 10 days and I've made the decision to return to the yard we left, she has been clear she doesn't want to return and has said I need to do what's best for me which is returning but at the same time has been honest and said she feels I'm abandoning her and she's losing her support.

At previous yard she was so upset and I supported her as much as I could and the move has left me feeling how she probably felt at our old yard.

I absolutely love my friend she means the world to me but I'm in a dilemma because I'm so unhappy at new yard and she was so unhappy at the old yard.

I don't feel I want to stay and she doesn't want to return.

she has said it was because of my idea to try somewhere else that she made the decision to move, and she might not have made that decision if I hadn't suggested it which I do understand but at the same time I suggest because I couldn't handle her so sad and upset, I thought if that's what it was gpomg to take to help her that it was a sacrifice worth making until now that roles are reversed and I'm the one struggling to settle.

Any advice
 
My horse is showing signs of Seperation anxiety he never had before, whinnying, sweating amd really stressed in stable.

The first week we had one need they didn't put feed in, one night water drinker not turned on, limited time with staff onsite feel like it's as quick as they can get in and out again.

I just don't feel like I can have a night off without worrying about him, amd I'm really missing our old yard
 
Cheetchy said:
My horse is showing signs of Seperation anxiety he never had before, whinnying, sweating amd really stressed in stable.

The first week we had one need they didn't put feed in, one night water drinker not turned on, limited time with staff onsite feel like it's as quick as they can get in and out again.

I just don't feel like I can have a night off without worrying about him, amd I'm really missing our old yard
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You need to do what is best for you, and your horse.
But 10 days isnt long really, it took BB longer to settle the first yard we were at 🥰
 
I moved hard because my friend very much advocated for me to. She left the yard not long after and though I was sad to loose my comfort zone it actually made me integrate more with the rest of the yard. Now I would never leave.
 
Is your friend a child? It seems she is very dependant. Even if she is, you both looked at yards together and she had opportunity to say either that she didn't want to look at yards or that this yard wasn't what she wanted.

I would look at her dependence, and see if you have encouraged it in some way.

Either way, I would be moving my horse back to the yard where you were both (you and your horse) happy. I would actually hope the friend doesn't follow as she sounds like she'd then complain! It may do her good to strike out and be independent.
 
She'd lost her confidence, and for the past 6-8 months had really been struggling mentally. I tried to reassure her and support her, I was struggling to ride because she didnt want me to gonride with her incase my horse set hers off, I genuinely thought if we moved yard she'd get a reset and we'd both be able to enjoy our horses, I genuinely believe she will be just fine at new yard but I'm just really struggling.
 
Do the best for your horse and you. If your friendship is good, then you will remain friends. Reading your last post, it appears that your friend is actually holding you back. Offering support is different from taking responsibility for someone - you are right, she needs to be a bit more independent. Is she happy with the care her horse is receiving?
 
Unless we have to take full welfare support for another I don't believe going through life being a crutch for others is really helping them or ourselves. However, your horse does have total dependence on you and you need to put his priorities first. Disengage as gently as you can while still providing support at a more distant level and you may find your friend finds the confidence she needs to get through life's ups and downs in a better way.
 
I was in EXACTLY this situation - I told a friend about a new yard - we both went to look around and decided we'd move. We got there and she and her horse settled fine - mine HATED the new place, he galloped round the field till all 4 of his legs swelled up, whinnying and sweating, he started box walking and would try and kick and bite when being handled. I lasted a week then moved him back to our old place. My friend completely understood - she has been happy at the new yard for a couple of years now. We aren't as close but that's only because we don't see each other as much - she would never have wanted me or my horse to be unhappy for her sake.
 
Mrs G said:
I was in EXACTLY this situation - I told a friend about a new yard - we both went to look around and decided we'd move. We got there and she and her horse settled fine - mine HATED the new place, he galloped round the field till all 4 of his legs swelled up, whinnying and sweating, he started box walking and would try and kick and bite when being handled. I lasted a week then moved him back to our old place. My friend completely understood - she has been happy at the new yard for a couple of years now. We aren't as close but that's only because we don't see each other as much - she would never have wanted me or my horse to be unhappy for her sake.
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This is exactly what's happened, my hirse normally a chilled gentle soul almost trampled me, he's box walking constant whinnying and sweating whenever my friend takes her horse out stable. At old yard you wouldn't have even thought my horse liked him.

She said she understood and told me to do what I thought was best for me yet now I've made the decision she's told me she's not happy about it, that it was my suggestion that contributed to her decision making, that I'm abandoning her and leaving her with no support.

I told her last night through tears that I will obviously continue to visit her and support her to which she replied just go we'll be fine. She proceeded to tell me my hirse is fine and happy it's me that's unsettled. I'm sad about it but if I stay I'll regret it.
 
I feel for you OP. You have tried to support your friend but she seems to be emotionally blackmailing you, which is very unfair! Your horse has to be your priority and any good, decent friend would understand this. Such a shame she can't reciprocate the support for you now. I hope your horse settles when you move him back.
 
Cheetchy said:
This is exactly what's happened, my hirse normally a chilled gentle soul almost trampled me, he's box walking constant whinnying and sweating whenever my friend takes her horse out stable. At old yard you wouldn't have even thought my horse liked him.

She said she understood and told me to do what I thought was best for me yet now I've made the decision she's told me she's not happy about it, that it was my suggestion that contributed to her decision making, that I'm abandoning her and leaving her with no support.

I told her last night through tears that I will obviously continue to visit her and support her to which she replied just go we'll be fine. She proceeded to tell me my hirse is fine and happy it's me that's unsettled. I'm sad about it but if I stay I'll regret it.
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She sounds very insecure and also a little manipulative (maybe alot).

If she feels she needs your support that much she could always move back with you.

I think being on separate yards might be best for both of you. you'll get some freedom to enjoy your horse and she will have to pull her socks up and ride her own horse (or sell and buy something more suitable to her ability/anxiety levels)
 
Trouper said:
Unless we have to take full welfare support for another I don't believe going through life being a crutch for others is really helping them or ourselves. However, your horse does have total dependence on you and you need to put his priorities first. Disengage as gently as you can while still providing support at a more distant level and you may find your friend finds the confidence she needs to get through life's ups and downs in a better way.
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I strongly second this comment
 
Sending big hugs your way OP - I understand wanting to be there for your friend, but the reason we all got into horses was the love and enjoyment we have with them. If you aren't having fun with your horse then it isn't fair on you xx

It's a shame that your friend can't see things from your viewpoint but sometimes things in life just don't make sense for one reason or another - move back to where both you and your boy are happy and let your friend do her thing - who knows - this might work in her favour and help her become a more confident person x
 
If you and your horse are not happy then moving back to your old yard where you were both happy makes sense. However it is only 10 days since you moved and your horse may well settle down.

Your friend is being rather emotionally manipulative. You did not force her to move. I accept it was your suggestion but assuming that she is an adult she could have said she didn't want to move although as she wasn't happy at the yard moving was a good idea for her.
 
Thank you all for your comments. Not a child I'm early 40s and she is 51.

I've had to do a lot of reflection these past couple of days but the coldness I felt from her last night has really made me think.

She never wanted me to rode woth her because she was too frightened so I respected that despite meaning I struggled to ride more than a couple of times a week.

Then her comment about me abandoning her and leaving her with no support when I left my instructor and support behind at my old yard to move with her because she was mentally struggling. Now I'm feeling it she told me to do what was best for me and that she understood yet as soon as I did it feels like she is being cold and has turned, said she's not feeling unsettled and abandoned.

I guess when I go back to original yard I'll find out how much our friendship means to her. I'll miss her terribly but also looking forward to having more time to spend with my boy.

Thanks all for your advice x
 
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