I Hate My Life What Is The Point Of It All

ebonyallen

ebonyallen

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Not sure if any of you have read my posts before, but I have lost my leg above the knee along with other major health issues. To cut a long story short I have been trying to improve my riding and have been having lessons once a week and really thought me and Ebony were getting somewhere at long last, back in April I posted to say that first time since lost my leg I felt great, well how blooody wrong does that feel now.

I schooled Ebony today on my own and that is a first without my instructer she was good and we even had a canter which is a huge leap forwards, then someone asked if I would like to go out for a hack in the afternoon, great thought I as unless someone helps me I can not ride, we went out and it was horrid from the moment we left the yard to the way back. We came acorss everything you could think of and every since we were chased up the road by a tractor Ebony is very wary of anything large she will shake with fear. We then came to a busy main road we had to cross, and we had to wait a long time to get across she got fed up and would not stand still, I turned her around and then she just went backwards towards the road,my friend had to block her path to stop her going into the road. We get across and then to end it all my false leg came out of the iron and was just hanging there with me just feeing scared out of my life, my confidence has now gone and I feel the one thing in my life that gave me a reason to try and carry on has let me down, I know thats not fair of me to say, but thats how I feel, all I have done is cry and cry even now as I right this I am crying. All I want is to be happy and that is not what I am feeling at the moment, so what is the point, I do not know why I am pouring my heart out on here but have no one else to tell, I just feel like saying enough is enough and just giving up, every time we seem to get some where I just go backwards again feeling even more useless. Sorry to bore you with this just feeling very sorry for myself.
 
So sorry to read this. I think you've maybe picked the wrong time of year to go hacking if she is nervous as they have started cutting the crops and there seems to be a multitude of heavy vehicles on the road.
I hope after a nights sleep you will remember all the good times you have had riding and have the confidence to have another lesson. Just explain to your instructor what's happened and you will be sure to re-gain your love for the horses.
Good luck
 
Ah honey, don't be sad.

Sounds like life with horses. They always do this to us I think. One step forward, three ( at least!) back.

Try and focus on the positives. This morning sounds great, try and think about that and put this afternoon to the back of your mind. At least until you feel ready to deal with it anyway.

Hugs xx
 
You poor love, what a rotten end to a good day, I should think you horse is saying the same and you both have been doing so well. Put it down to a bad couple of hours and come out fighting tomorrow, just as you have done in the past.:)
 
Have you thought about getting someone else to work on Ebony's nerves when out and about? It's no surprise you'd be nervous, but it probably doesn't make for a good situation for her to get her confidence back. A good trainer should be able to 'bomb proof' her fairly easily and quickly (for example, my nervous youngster came back broken and bomb proof in 3 weeks with a very good trainer). I think you need to be able to rely on her at this stage, not feel like you need to be emotionally for her as well as physically strong - you're not superwoman after all!!
 
Firstly, massive hugs.
So sorry today went all wrong, I know its hard but try to put it down to a big blip and start again tomorrow. From what it sounds like, you have been through tough times and you are bound to have times when you feel low. Just remember you are an inspiration, not many people could achieve what you have.
 
Sounds like a poor end to what started like a decent day. However, you have to think back and think what you did achieve, don't dwell on what went wrong. You had a good schooling session you felt confident enough to go out on a hack. Your horse was a bit of a wally (arent they all on occasion) BUT you got through it and completed the hack (i assume). I am not even going to try and pretend i have any idea of how you must feel but I am guessing it does make you feel a little more vulnerable and it is easy to lose your confidence a bit when stuff like that happens. Tomorrow's another day, I think you will get through it and i am sure Ebony will redeem herself! We all have moments of despair whatever our individual circumstances are.
 
Ebonyallen, I think you are amazing! I think you should congratulate yourself actually for how much you do with your horse.

I absolutely regularly lose my confidence and I have no excuse. You are without a lower leg, yet you school and hack, which I haven't done in months, and I have both my legs.

You are an inspiration to us all. I know we all get 'down' sometimes, but I really think you should be really proud of yourself.

Chin up lovely. It always gets better. You'll have good days with your horse, you'll see. No more tears.
x
 
Don't be sad, I'm afraid that is sometimes how it is with horses. Like someone said there is alot going on with tractors etc on road and it obviously blew her mind a bit! Have a good nights sleep and you'll feel more positive in the morning I'm sure xxxxxx
 
Poor you :( we all have day like this, dont worry. Its krap feeling like that but remember that amazing feeling you have when u eventually overcome it (which you will) You have come too far to throw it all away and you are quite entitled to have days where you feel a bit sorry for yourself, you shouldnt feel guilty. I saw the title of this post and i was surprised when i saw it was yourself who had posted it as I was in awe when i saw the pics of you and ebony in a previous post- i thought you looked absolutley stunning together!!.....try and remember how lucky you are to have her and remember how she has helped you. Sounds as though you have climbed bigger mountains than this before and have come out smiling just as you will again ;) x
 
Certainly sounds like today needs to be written off.
Forgetting about today look at everything else you have achieved, by yourself & with your horse - you are amazing
 
oh sweetheart just a huge hug - its a bad time and you are allowed that and some self pity. But remember how far you have come. sleep then in morning say ok that happened yeaterday was yesterday but today is a new day- as said talk to your instructor and look to her for guidance bt most of all rememeber how far you have come draw a line under today and think ok lets start again - you are amazing for what you have achived so remeber that ok truelly amazing :) xxxx
 
oh hun that is hard However don't feel it is down to you and your leg. It isn't!! If you were healthy there would be something else, as others have said it is more to do with life and particularly life with horses!!

Not as bad as you but I have not long ago had my 3rd lot of surgery on my ankle. Each time it has happened I have thought it was all behind me and I could start and get on with my riding life, like you how wrong was I??

As I say this is my 3rd time and I am half waiting for something to go wrong yet again

If its not my ankle it is my arthritis so I can't win either :D
 
Look at what you did achieve.

I couldnt do what you have, you are such an inspiration to so many people, im amazed just that you had the guts to get back on, thats amazing in itself, let alone the fact that you are schooling alone, and schooling WELL.. jeez theres members on here that struggle with that (me!).

Ebony dicked about by the road, thats hardly your fault, read the amount of threads on here where fully able members struggle, losing a stirrup is scary for everyone at some point, and i cant imagine what its like for you, but dont let that upset you. look at yourself and what you are doing, its immense. i wish i had an ounce of the strength you do.
 
I have huge admiration for you, what you have and are achieving. Christ you have had a pretty crappy day and fully deserve a good vent and a glass of wine. We are all shaken by our experiences with life and neds, but bloody hell, have a look at what you are doing, it's awesome!

Have a good sob, sleep and look with fresh eyes tomorrow. You are an inspiration x
 
You sound like an extremely brave person whom I would find an inspiration. When you wake up tomorrow everything won't seem as bad as is does tonight. Keep smiling :o) x
 
No, no no, you've got it all wrong - you are still doing brilliantly. You really are :) I haven't got your problems but I couldn't have faced what you coped with today. Honestly, you did fine and tomorrow is another day when you can carry on and build towards your goals again. Horses never give us an easy time each and every time we ride them, even the most placid ones.

I hope you can regain your confidence by the time tomorrow morning comes and go out and have a good day doing whatever it is you decide to do. I've not read your posts before but you sound like a bloomin' trier and I admire you immensely for that!
 
You are a very brave person to push yourself above and beyond for your riding! I dont think i would cope in your position, don't punish yourself, but give yourself a pat on the back, you got through it!! :)
Try some more lessons in the school, and don't push yourself to ride out until you get more confidence back.
Horses are all about highs and lows, unfortunatly sometimes the lows bring us to question why the hell we put ourselves through it. :)
Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you considered driving as a way to stay conected to horses, it can be great fun (with the right horse) and may be a lot more comfortable, and therefore give you more confidence, just a thought. :)
 
myhorsefred said:
Ebonyallen, I think you are amazing! I think you should congratulate yourself actually for how much you do with your horse.

I absolutely regularly lose my confidence and I have no excuse. You are without a lower leg, yet you school and hack, which I haven't done in months, and I have both my legs.

You are an inspiration to us all. I know we all get 'down' sometimes, but I really think you should be really proud of yourself.

Chin up lovely. It always gets better. You'll have good days with your horse, you'll see. No more tears.
x
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This. With bells on!!

I haven't read your previous threads, but you can see from this one that you have had a difficult journey and are doing really well.

Focus on the fact that you schooled her for the first time on your own - AND IT WENT WELL. Thats fantastic, and something that you can build on.

It sounds as though your horse is not easy to hack out regardless of your leg. That could have happened to any of us. You can just tell from what you've achieved that you will get over this.

I agree that it may be an idea that someone more confident hacks your horse out until Ebony has more confidence - same as it would for anyone who is nervous of hacking their horse out. It could well be that Ebony is not going to be a good hacking out horse. Plenty of horses aren't. Whatever happens, it is not due to your leg.

Give yourself a break, and look at how well you've done so far. Keep us posted on how you go on.

Hugs.xx
 
Aww poor you I hope you're feeling a bit better about this after reading previous posts. Just try and take things back to where they were going right, away from busy roads etc and keep it to doing things you are happy with in a safer environment. Good luck and don't give up, it will get better :)
 
Oh hunny.

Firstly, hugs.

Secondly, it's how a lot of us feel at some point or other.

Thirdly, hang on in there. It will get better, it always does. At times it will be horrible and awful, but the good times will outweigh the bad.
 
myhorsefred said:
Ebonyallen, I think you are amazing! I think you should congratulate yourself actually for how much you do with your horse.

I absolutely regularly lose my confidence and I have no excuse. You are without a lower leg, yet you school and hack, which I haven't done in months, and I have both my legs.

You are an inspiration to us all. I know we all get 'down' sometimes, but I really think you should be really proud of yourself.

Chin up lovely. It always gets better. You'll have good days with your horse, you'll see. No more tears.
x
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Agree with this poster, dont be so hard on yourself, you are a brave rider who has just had a **** end to your day.
 
To have such detemination is a credit to the fight you have inside you, many people go through what you have and give up and just accept, rather than pushing forwards to remain doing the things that drive them.

so. youve had a bad ride, sweetie it happens to us all, 2 legs or one. go back to things that are easy for you and your horse and build your confidence up once again.

also just a thought but the rides your likley to go on, instead of having a lesson pay for your instructor to take her out on the routes, horsie gets to know routes, and any little issues that pop up instructor can iron out.

I would guess you have a lot of faith in your instructor, so maybe ask a friend if instructor can borrow a friends horse, you on yours, and hack out together, so if things get a bit tense she can talk you through it, with you having the confidence in her.

keep going chick, being determined is actully the biggest help of confidence there is

all the best xx
 
Aw hun the lack of nerves and bad days happens to us all. I forget to breathe if there's another horse in the manege with me or if I'm jumping - even if its two inches off the floor. I used to shake head to toe if someone asked if I wanted to hack. You are not alone.

Look how far you've come in such a short period of time. Chin up hun.
 
well I cant add much to what others have said really..... I am kinda recent on here so have not seen your whole story but it does sound as if you are a fighter really. I cant speak for anyone else but I know I have days feeling that low sometimes too ...... and the feeling of "betrayal" when your horse does not listen to you when you thought you had a great relationship ( they all have LA LA days :rolleyes: ) .... but if you have had those great days before you will have them again. :D

Ebony might need time to get over her fear of tractors so you can be relaxed about hacking out ...... and she needs you to help her do that. Even if its just to stand near a road at a time you know will be busy with them trundling up and down so she can become habituated to them again.



She must be a great horse to have adapted to the different leg feel if you lost your leg during the time you have had her..... or even if you got her afterwards she still had to adapt from her previous riders.



I bet in years to come you will be telling the ever growing and humourous account of how you stayed on a prancing wild horse with said leg hanging off and you singing in gay abandonment :D :D :D



so as has been said .... go have a wonderful slurp of whatever liquid will relax you ( even if its hot choccy) ...... snuggle up with a good book or in front of mindless TV . then have a good night sleep

then go and cuddle your horse tomorrow (((((((0)))))))))))



ps heres Matthew ..... he fell off RDA ( he has cerebral palsy and epilepsy) horse and broke his hip ..... but like you when you lost your leg he was determined to get back riding.. and I bet you will again too. This is him on Taz a few weeks ago.


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For what it's worth I think you are amazing, I often lack confidence and I have the 2 legs I was born with... I think you should be very proud of yourself (easy for me to say I know) perhaps wait till after harvest for next hack.

Wish I was half as brave as you
 
Wish I knew how to do a smiley clap :( you have come sooo far, don't let this stop you.

This is a rubbish time of year to hack, many noisy things that smell funny and make loads of dust, I have not lost a leg and also have not dared to get in the saddle of a year, so please do not think your lack of confidence is down to your leg, it is purely a lack of confidence, that most of us if we admit it experience.

Go back to the school, build up confidence, have fun, dont put pressure on yourself or your horse, and when you are 100o/o then maybe go out for 5 mins and build on that
.

I only broke my hand in many places and lost all confidence in my ability which was at the time doing minor 3 day events, would love to start again but unlike you have not got the guts

Sorry soo long, I think I have been venting my own worries

Good luck and keep at it xxxx
 
myhorsefred said:
Ebonyallen, I think you are amazing! I think you should congratulate yourself actually for how much you do with your horse.

I absolutely regularly lose my confidence and I have no excuse. You are without a lower leg, yet you school and hack, which I haven't done in months, and I have both my legs.

You are an inspiration to us all. I know we all get 'down' sometimes, but I really think you should be really proud of yourself.

Chin up lovely. It always gets better. You'll have good days with your horse, you'll see. No more tears.
x
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This, totally and completely!

Ebonyallen you ARE an inspiration, we all get down from time to time, but you have battled some real issues and should be extremely proud of yourself, it takes real guts to get as far as you have and I for one admire you. Everyone has confidence crises from time to time, even someone with as much courage as you have, I know that with the inner strength you obviously have, that you will get through this one. It must have been awful for you and most of us have no conception of what you are going through, we are still willing you on nonetheless.

xx
 
I don't know you well enough to give you a boot up the bum so will go for the nicely nicely reply.

We all feel like that sometimes, its nothing to do with your leg, I had a really crap day last summer when I nearly went backwards under a forage harvester!

You sound like you have come on such a long way, and it was unfortunate that you had the mishap with the false leg today.

How would you feel about being led whilst you hack out,perhaps by the other horse and rider?? Might give your horse all the confidence and you, that you need??


chin up, tomorrow is another day, it can't be good every day! XX
 
So sorry you're feeling like this. I remember reading and responding to your post in April and I thought you were one gutsy lady. I understand why you would be scared today with everything that you met along the way but you did really well. You said yourself she was frightened rather than just plain naughty.

I hope that after a good nights sleep you'll feel more positive tomorrow. You really have come a long way so it would be a shame to give up now.
 
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