I hope I'm doing the right thing! :(

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Carrots&Mints

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Hi all, as some of you might know my loan horse is being put to soon.

Rang his owner up today and we discussed best to do it next week and get it over and done with, which I agreed as much as I don't ever want to :'(

Anyhow I've thought long and hard about this next bit which is... Im going to hand him back over for her to deal with on Sunday. I just want to remember him nice a snugly in his stable munching on his haylage and scoffing his tea. I don't want to remember him being brought in ready for the deed to be done. I also don't want to know what time Or which day it's going to be I just want a message from her to say he's gone.

I want to remember happy memories not sad ones and I really don't think I could cope very well at all with him and would be a blubbering wreck which I don't want him to see.

So on Sunday I think im going to say my goodbyes :(

I just love him so much I don't want to let him go :(

Sorry for wittering on
 
It's totally up to you but I would hate not knowing until i got a text :/ It might be worth going just for closure?
I almost didn't want to be there when my horse was put to sleep in march this year but then I thought, if I'm there, I will be the last person he sees, it's not the nicest thing to see in the world but it does make you feel that you were there until the end, especially since you are lucky in the sense that it is a planned euthanasia like mine was not an emergency situation.

But like I said its totally up to you, it's down to the individual, I just thought I'd share my experience with you to show you that it's not always a bad idea to be present at things as sad as what will happen next week.
Whatever you decide, I hope everything goes smoothly for him and you :).
 
Sorry but owning an animal isn't all pink and fluffy. There's good times and bad, in sickness and in health etc etc etc. Ask yourself who you're doing this for, him or yourself? Would he be more reassured if someone he knows and trusts is standing holding his lead rope and stroking his neck and just loving him, or a virtual stranger. I think you're doing it for you, not him. You can still remember him munching his haynet but how can you possibly live the rest of your life not knowing whether he was terrified or calling for you or whatever. Stay with him up until he is sedated directly before the final lethal injection. He won't know anything beyond that and you can go. But no tears til then. Be strong for him...he's got noone on his side now except you. Don't let him down.
 
I agree with moodymare that it's your choice.

I had to have my belovid mare put down in 2010.
I had owned her for 12 years and she was my whole world. She fell ill at the end of 2009 and I was told she wouldn't make it passed xmas 2009. :( I gave her the chance to fight the illness and she seemed to be doing well. In early June 2010 she took a down hill dive. I thought I was going to loose her. I was due to go away with my parents on holiday in July and wasn't going to go. But just before I was due to go Lucy perked up again so I went. 3 days into the holiday my vet phoned me in tears. Lucy had gone down hill overnight and had given up the fight. I had to make the heartbreaking desition to let her go. I had no way of getting home. So on the 3rd of july 2010 my belovid mare was gone and I never got to say goodbye. I still to this day feel guilty for not being there for her i'm in tears typing this now. I just feel like I let her down by leaving her when she needed me most. :( :(


As I said it's your choice but please don't make a choice you will regrette. I didn't get to choose. If I could have I'd have been there for Lucy till the very end. I owed her that atleast. She owed me nothing.
I hope whatever choice you make is right for you and I hope everything goes as smoothly as it can for your boy and his pain is over soon. xx
 
You hope you are doing the right thing: you think, it seems, that what you propose is best for you. Who will be looking after him from Sunday when you 'hand him back to his owner'? Has he a strong bond with you? Or his owner? Who is going to be making his last days as lovely and special as possible? He may spend his last days wondering where you are and why you aren't around. I believe our duty to animals is to ensure they have the best life and the best death that we can give them. I hope this is what you do, at the end, for this horse.
 
I think you will regret it as its not the best thing for him.

He needs to think its just a normal day up to the end. If his carer and routine changes a few days before it could unsettle him. They do miss people and notice when someone else is looking after them.

Not saying you should be there at the end, thats individual choice, I dont know if I will be able to do it. But I would not abandon mine a few days before.
 
I can understand you not wanting to be there, or when its happening, im like that, but i think handing him back before, isnt right, if his owners will have him put down on your yard or have you a friend that will be there for him on the day, you dont have to be there.
 
This is the time that he needs you the most, if you can be brave enough to be there I would just as it would help reassure him keep him calm with a voice he knows talking gently to him stroking his head.

Times are quite tough when having animals in our lives, but they give us so much back just from loving them through good and bad times.

I did this with my lad and to me it was closure to his sudden illness, just to be there holding the leadrope stoking his head talking gently to him kissing his head telling him how much I love him and thanked him for everything.... (THE hardest thing ever in my life to do) but I had to do it as my final loving act as his owner.

I would be there but thats my opinion, if you really don't think you can do it say your goodbyes keep as normal as you can around him and best of luck whatever you deceide you do and remember the good times as these will outway all the bad ones tears turn to laughter in the end honestly.

sending hugs
 
at the end of the day it's down to you and everyone copes differently - but - you may end up regretting not being there at the time.

12 years ago I had made the decision to have my beloved mare PTS and arranged day with vet. Day of the deed I groomed her, led her out to the garden for some lush grass and then held her while vet prepped her.

Just before he gave her the final injection he told me to walk away, which I did. I regret it to this day. I should have been with her right at the end and not left with the vet and my OH.

Vet thought it was what was best for me, not to see my mare go down but looking back I feel awful that she might have been stressed / worried as she wasn't always chilled with vets etc.

No one is forcing you to do anything but do think long and hard as you may come to regret not being there for him at the very end :(
 
I really feel for you OP. I think you probably are feeling worse now after reading these replies.
You have no need to feel guilty, as far as I could make out you are not handing him over to a stranger! you are handing him to his owner.
For all we know the owner might want to do this herself, alone, as this is her horse.
I'm sure you have looked after your horse well and loved him whilst you had him but don't let people bully you into doing anything.
Hugs, I know this must be heartbreaking for you, whoever holds the lead rope!
 
you say you don't want to know the day or time but just get a text after he's gone, won't that drive you mad? each day you will be thinking is it today and you will jump everytime you get a text.
personally i think you should know the day and time if nothing else.

as for being there/not being there, i wouldn't not want to be there to say my final goodbyes. i have discussed this with my OH and when it comes to my big lad i will hand the rope over to him after i've said goodbye and then walk away, my horse will be fine with that as my OH does alot with him and he would be able to hold it together better than me. i couldn't not see him on his final day, i've seen him everyday since i've owned him apart from when i've been having a baby! even on them days though i've been on the phone to my OH while he was at the yard and my horse nuzzles the phone because he knows it's me.

his last days will be of him buted up (if needed) and given whatever he wants, complete pampering, polos galore and anything else he wants.

it's a personal choice but i'd rather know i was there/in the area at the time than not know anything about it.
my old mare was pts, i said goodbye then got my children out of the house (horse was in front garden and clearly visible), my OH sat with her head on his lap while the vet injected, he then helped to load her into the trailer to be cremated. wasn't nice for him but he said he felt he had to do that for her.
 
OP I'm totally with you. I have never been there when my families' horses have been pts. I don't think you being there would make a whole lot of difference to the horse and may make you feel a whole lot worse. Why upset yourself even more?

Everyone is different and whilst some people might regret not being with their horses at the end, I have not once regretted my decision not to be there.

eta and I think it's a bit unfair of other posters telling you that you're doing the wrong thing - it's entirely up to you
 
I'm still handing him over back to her on Sunday. Having being diagnosed with depression previous to getting Alfie and Alfie helping me get over life's problems I cannot let myself get ill again. His owner loves him just as much as I do and he does remember her and has a strong bond with her aswell as me. Shes had him since he was 4 years old and he's now 18 so I think he'll be in the right hands. As for not knowing what day it'll keep my mind at peace, yes I will be wondering what the next text will be but at least I'll know he's in a better place.

I'm heartbroken Alfie is my best friend and I am going to miss him so much so please, horrible comments are not wanted here. Thankyou.
 
OP non of the comments have been horrible, they have been straight and to the point, as one poster said animals need those they know to the end. I think you will become depressed again by not knowing and end of feeling guilty for not being there. You can always walk away at the final time. I also suffered from depression once, i got over it by being strong.
 
I think its a personal choice.

I was there when my old lad when but that was an emergency colic. However with my other boy I chose not to be there for lots of reasons. I don't regret it as I remember walking away and looking at him with his ears pricked and a huge mouthful of hay.

Do what's best for you and the horse. As his other mummy will be there you shouldn't feel any pressure either way. Do what feels right for you on the day.
 
I sort of agree with Box of Frogs. Stay with him until he is sedated, if you can. This is what I did with my boy last year, then I returned to see him when he had gone - literally a couple of minutes later. This is what I would do again. Awful to have to deal with though whichever way you do it. Thoughts are with you .x
 
I sympathise with you OP, it is not nice to have to be present when a beloved pet is pts. However I'd be concerned abut this horse if 'handing him back to his owner' means that he has to move yards for the last few days of his life. If he does I think it would be better for you to look after him until the appointed day, when his owner will be present to deal with the vet. If he will be staying on the same yard, I think it's up to you. It wouldn't be my way but you are the one who has to live with your decision.
 
i had a horse pts whom i had only had for 5 weeks.he had colic.even though i only had him short time i loved him so much.i was the one holding the rope when he was led from the stable.i was there holding the lead rope when the injection was given.be there for your horse.
 
I agree with pearlsacarolsinger.
I wouldn't want to be travelling a beloved horse only days before due to pts. If staying at same yard then fine.
I understand you don't want to be there. A compromise in my mind would be if owner could look after at current yard for the last day or so.
Its a personal choice but someone once said to me before having my lad pts 'they are there for you when you need them so its only fair for you to be with them when they need you'
its made me change my mind i went up and was there until the knackerman came, YO took leadrope and i walked away when told, i was on even 3m by time it was done. I couldn't watch but i was there as long as i could be.
Hugs to you op- its very difficult but the travelling would bother me x x
 
This is a very personal subject and I don't think there's a right or wrong. Haven't been there for a horse being pts but was for our first dog. He was effectively out of it but yelping, I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do, but on reflection I'm not so sure it was. My other dog died a year ago, I left the room because I knew he was going and it was his time. I don't regret the decision. Dogs will usually try to be alone to die, and I'd prefer that myself given the choice. I'm not sure it would be better for my lad for me to be there if I was barely able to keep it together. I would hope to be there until sedation if I have to make this decision but after that I'd be happy to leave to the vet. The last step is one that every living creature must ultimately take alone. OP I am sorry, I wish you all the best and strength for the days ahead. You should not feel any guilt, as you have loved and cherished this horse and that care will be what matters to him most. Xx
 
Thankyou sadken, that's really moving.

I won't be able to hold myself together not one bit. I am not strong enough to cope with it, I love that horse to peices and I think it would panic him if he saw me in such a state. It doesn't feel like its set in just yet but I already feel like im losing part of myself. I just want him to be pain free :(
 
He will trust people. Your absence won't make a difference so don't beat yourself up please. It will be a painless stress-free passing for him, he will be respected. Cry buckets, but don't get ill, when I have had to do this in the past the build up to it was the worst, once the deed was done, I felt better. Take care.
 
He won't know what is about to happen, it will be no more traumatic for him than any other vet visit or injection. YOU falling to pieces, however, might be very upsetting for him and putting yourself through that will really serve no useful purpose. Some people want to be there, some do not - it is a personal choice and doesn't really involve the horse at all.
 
singing dawg said:
He will trust people. Your absence won't make a difference so don't beat yourself up please. It will be a painless stress-free passing for him, he will be respected. Cry buckets, but don't get ill, when I have had to do this in the past the build up to it was the worst, once the deed was done, I felt better. Take care.
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This. Totally. With someone competant holding him he will have no idea what is happening and will not "need" you there. He won't be at all stressed. If anything, an upset owner is more likely to give him stress than anything else.

I had my trusted friend and instructor there when my first pony was put down. I knew I would have been emotional and upset him. She gave him a polo just as they shot him, and he didn't know a thing.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You are doing the right thing if thats how you feel.xx
 
OP, I am so sorry to hear about your beloved horse. Of course we all do things differently and neither way is right. My youngest daughter's horse broke his leg in the field end of summer last year. It was so unexpected and although he was not my horse I had a lovely bond with him and adored him and miss him every single day. I could not be with him in the field waiting for the vet to arrive as I was so upset. Both my daughters stayed with him and a good friend. When the vet arrived and confirmed what we already knew I stood next to him, gave him a kiss and after giving my youngest the choice to stay or leave, she kissed him, fed him a treat and we both went inside and fell to bits. My other daughter stayed with him right til the end, cradling his head until he was gone. She was calm, kind and respectful.

I agree that if you are going to get upset then say your own goodbye and leave as he will pick up on your distress. I have been there for our other horses but could be calm and to me thats what is important the horse remaining calm and unstressed. You will cope and in time live with what has happened as you will have chosen to do the right thing for him and you. Big hugs at this awful time x.
 
I have read the first two responses and want to say I agree with moodymare, but also agree with BOF, I think it will be hard, but I would say be there for HIM, it is the greatest gift you can bestow and you will always cherish the fact that you were able to be there, being there to say goodbye and hold your boy is not something you regret believe me x so sorry for what's happening xx
 
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